How do I know when to call it quits
Hello,
Never done this but I'm at my wits end and I need something to change. I've been married for 10 yrs now. We have 2 boys (4-8). I feel the relationship we have is just dying and I am numb to everything except my boys. I love my spouse, I truly do but not the way I use to. It's more like a very close friendship anymore. Over the years the time they would have to spend with family had been taken by other activities and I feel like we're constantly on the backburner. Church and the involvement therein has taken most of any extra time we could have as well as very poor time management. That's the one thing I thought that might change a bit when I was dx with luekemia. I even tried taking more of an active interest with the music protion of the church but I just didn't enjoy doing it. Bible study is something I am trying now but I feel it's not something I'm doing for the right reasons.
Anyway... I went from working full time to now staying home. They went from working part time to working full time and it was only because had to push them to do it. Financially we were heading south and it didn't seem to register that the only obvious action was for them to start working a full time job. It was a big adjustment for both of us as we did have "other" plans (me to work... them to stay home) but life changes and you just do the best you can. So because of my illness I am always home and I take care of the house as well as our boys the best I can, even though I suffer from various side affects from treatment (which is going well) so my days constantly fluctuate. Constant fatigue is the worst and if you haven't experienced it, well, it's just hard to make people really understand how debilitating it can really be. Fighting to stay alert and awake all day is tiring in itself. The good thing is I've always stayed in shape and still try to keep control of what I can. I think to myself that sometimes because I do push myself so hard that everyone sees me do all that I did before so I must be "ok". I do this by ingnoring how I truly feel and carry on with what needs to be done. I hate feeling "limited" so I won't or at least I try not to be limited. Overall though, I feel completely unappreciated, neglected and honestly it seems like I just "exist". My feelings like I say are numb as oppose to being resentful before. As weird as it sounds for me to even say this I just want to be taken care of sometimes too and I hardly feel that's important to the other person... or at least not as important as it should be. Any form of intimacey is pretty much nonexistant. I am usually the instigator when it comes to anything sexual. Hugs and kisses don't feel like anything to me anymore although I think they still feel something for them. I've also thought maybe this is all in my head since I've been sick. All I know is I wanted someone in my life that would be there for me as much as I am there for them. I have thought about divorce but I can't imagine how my boys would deal with that or how living arrangements would be afterwards since I'm on permanent disability. I kind of feel stuck but then again... I really don't feel I need much. The ability to spend time with the kids is plenty as long as I have a place to call home nearby. It's all just so overwhelming so this is why I'm sharing this... My next step is setting up a session to talk to someone and see what they can tell me.
There's probably so much more to add but at this time I'm surprised I can think of this much! Thanks for reading this and I appreciate any suggestions...
