[fastlane]

Let us discuss about cheating and lying. To keep things short my GF lies to me but I finally got her to admit that she kissed another guy while we were on a break for about a month. Now I suppose that's okay since we broke up and both thought we never were going to get back together. But I do not know if she actually slept with someone or not. I caught her lying a lot of times like how she claims she was home when at the same time her sister said she is not home so I caught her red handed. I skimmed through her text messages with this guy and he's talking about how she was good with her tongue and how he wants to be in her. She said she left her top at his place. He says he hopes his sister isn't home so he can do things to her. I asked her one simple question in person; "did you sleep with another guy or not". She took really long to answer me and that kind of told me she did so I said I was leaving and right before I walked out the door she said if she slept with another guy she wouldn't be here with me right now. Im really confused but I don't think she would tell me anyway if she slept with another guy.

I love this girl very much. I was such a jerk to to her in the past. I want to forgive her and she wants to have a future with me, but this is not the first time she did this. There were a few times where she was seeing other guys behind my back but I believe her when she said she never touched any of those guys, just flirted and hung out with them.

My question is can you change someone through forgiveness and compassion? Can you actually get someone to stop all this madness through love and happiness? I know if I leave her she will just find someone else and do the same thing and she will never find happiness and true love if she keeps doing this.

[jaime90]

You may love this girl, but she does not love you. In fact, by lying and cheating, she is being very cruel to you, and it seems as though your relationship will not last, if it even continues. The purpose of forgiveness is generally for the healing of the person who was offended. If you come to terms with something and forgive the person who offended you, you are releasing the hurt that you hold. The answer to your question is very simple, and I'm not sure will need anymore answering from anyone else after I post this answer:
You cannot change anyone but yourself.
You may try to change this woman's ways, but there is a good chance that she does not want to change, and will not change. I'm not saying that it is impossible for her to change, I am saying that she will have to change herself.

[Romefalls19]

Couple of things, who she slept with while you guys were BROKEN up is none of your business.

Second, no you cannot change someone through forgiveness. Stop trying to change someone and worry about yourself. You seem to think she won't find love, but maybe she got tired of you trying to change the person she is

[fastlane]

Oh yeah I know it is none of my business. But at the same time I do not think its fair for me to be fooled into thinking we have something special while she is dealing with another guy.

[jaime90]

You're right fastlane. Show this woman the door, get her out of your life, and find a woman that you actually deserve. You cannot change her, you can only change yourself.

[valkman98]

Like getting kicked in the twins? I bet not, let her go on her lying way and move on. Stealing and lying are 2 major flaws. It would take too much work for me to even try to forgive what you said, so I say let go. Just the black and white of it. Best to you.

[sabrewolfe]

It wouldn't matter to me if she slept with the guy or not while you were together, just kissing another guy would be enough. Forgiving her will not make her change for the better, it will only get worse. If you forgive someone for doing something wrong, when they don't think they are, they are more apt to doing it again then they were in the first place, because now they know there is no consequence.

[CanIBuyAClue]

This may be hard for you to hear, because you obviously have feelings for her. But kick this slut to the curb. I am all about trust in a relationship, and she has shown that you can not trust her. If she did love you she would not even be talking to this guy, period.

[Gemini54]

My question is can you change someone through forgiveness and compassion? Can you actually get someone to stop all this madness through love and happiness? I know if I leave her she will just find someone else and do the same thing and she will never find happiness and true love if she keeps doing this.

You can't change anyone but yourself. Be honest, you're not the Dalai Lama, it doesn't matter how much forgiveness you churn out, she's still cheated on you a number of times. How will your compassion for her cheating ways help change her into a loving human being?

Finding happiness and love for herself is her responsibility not yours. She has broken your trust, repeatedly, by lying and cheating. In any case who says she wants love and happiness? That may be what you'd like for her, but clearly she has a different view.

Take responsibility for your own happiness and leave her to her journey. You're not her 'savior' and you're not her spiritual guru - look for your own happiness and love elsewhere.

[Romefalls19]

I would like to know something, were you guys together when she saw these other guys? Since that question is unclear I will go on another route.

You claim she violated your trust, by talking to another guy perhaps sleeping with him while you guys were NOT together. She is not your property, therefore when you are not together, she is free to do as she wants. Also, you violated her trust by going through her phone. Did she give you the phone to go through? I doubt it, so that's a HUGE trust breaker there. What she did while you guys were not together is her business, you have no right to ask her about her decisions. If you don't want to be with her because of it, that's fine but don't hold it against her that she explored while she wasn't with you.

[fastlane]

Romefalls I am all about respect and privacy. But its because she's done this over and over INCLUDING time while with me. I become confused and anxious. How can I trust her and give her privacy when she's been so sketchy these days, yet she tells me she loves me with all her heart. She's been talking to all these new guys that I don't even know (they call while I am with her).

To make things more clear, we separated she went to deal with another guy kissing him while at the same time sending me text messages telling me she still loves me, she comes over for christmas and kisses and hugs me while still talking to this dirty guy who's all over her. Well now she says that she's not talking to him anymore and that he is not the right guy for her. I want to take her word for it, but now you guys are telling me she can't change and Ill just be in for another hurt session.

Every time I ask her what she is doing or if she ever feels bad for what she did. She flips out on me saying that I need to stop interrogating her and trust her. I tell her I am just hurt because she messed up any good we had going. I ask her if she's sure she is okay. She just says she's okay but she just gets mad with the stuff I been saying and doing. But Im just looking for any signs or confirmation she really want to work things out.

[HistorianChick]

Ok, I'm not going to address all the red flags I see in this posting, but I'm going to answer your original question, "Is it possible to forgive?"

Anything is possible. But the thing with forgiveness is that you forget it. You don't bring it up in their face, you don't call them on it when you're upset, you don't look over your shoulder to see if they're doing it again, you forgive and forget.

Yes, forgiveness is possible; the real question is if you are going to truly forgive her, look past all of this, and start fresh, or are you going to constantly be wondering if she's cheating on you.

The choice is up to you, but whatever you do, commit to it. Forgive her if you choose or let her go.

Those are your options.

[Gemini54]

Freat points wondergirl. Yes, forgetting is the real issue, forgiving is easy in comparison.

Sorry, I meant to say "great" points - dang, my fingers missed the keyboard...

[fastlane]

Great point but I wanted to see if things were better. I want to spend more time with her, but she always wants to be with her friends. Well the next two days she going to spend with her friends, but she will spend a day with me after that but its me taking her shopping. Now I don't mind buying her things because she always buys me things. The thing is why does she always want to spend time with her friends and not try to spend a bit more time with me to try to fix things. Am I over my head right now? Or does it look like she really does not care and I should move on.

[amicon]

I see nothing here that tells me she's in any way willing to work on this relationship. I do,however,and interpreting the situation such as you present it,see someone who is set on doing her own thing,never mind what you think or how you feel.
Don't be available,go do your own thing and move on.

[Gemini54]

great point but i wanted to see if things were better. i want to spend more time with her, but she always wants to be with her friends. well the next two days she gonna spend with her friends, but she will spend a day with me after that but its me taking her shopping. now i dont mind buying her things because she always buys me things. the thing is why does she always want to spend time with her friends and not try to spend a bit more time with me to try to fix things. am i over my head right now? or does it look like she really does not care and i should move on.

This is not going anywhere - she wants you for what you can give her, not because she wants to be in a relationship with you.

This relationship does not have a good foundation and her behavior does not indicate that she's ready for a relationship commitment.

Actions speak louder than words - your GF is not interested in you.

[CanIBuyAClue]

great point but i wanted to see if things were better. i want to spend more time with her, but she always wants to be with her friends. well the next two days she gonna spend with her friends, but she will spend a day with me after that but its me taking her shopping. now i dont mind buying her things because she always buys me things. the thing is why does she always want to spend time with her friends and not try to spend a bit more time with me to try to fix things. am i over my head right now? or does it look like she really does not care and i should move on.

Let me get this straight, she ignores you until you're going to take her shopping and buy her things? This girl sounds like she's using you. Kick her to the curb, and definitely don't buy anything for her, it won't make her want you back. I've been there. I'm just happy that I only spent $25 at the time though lol, and didn't go nutso and give her big jewelry or anything. It's time to make yourself unavailable and do your own thing. She knows that you're available whenever she wants you, so that's not very appealing, hence why she does not want a relationship with you.