[notsurewhat2do]

Ok, same question different situation.

My girlfriend(20) and I (21) have been going out for 1yr and half. The last month she has been acting sad. I kept asking her what's wrong and she said her family was stressing her out. We live together. Her family does stress her out quite a bit. Well, a few weeks later she said she wanted a break. I asked her why and she said it wasn't me, just her life. Now, I know generally girls say "oh it's not you, I just want time". We decided while we are on our "break", we would not see other people. Since she lives with me she will also stay here sometimes, or her parents. We worked it out and came to a mutual agreement. At first I was very sad and upset. We love each other very much.

Now, here is where it is confusing.

This agreement was made one week ago. She comes over and we talk, she makes dinner for me after work(even tough I tell her she shouldn't to reduce stress.) Also, the nights she sleeps over to go to work the next day, she holds me. We told each other we love each other one last time while on this break.

Now, I believe this was a good idea to keep the drama down. However, I find myself so confused at times and don't know what to do. I may be setting myself up for another heart break if she decides not to come back. When she is with me I feel everything is OK. But in reality, we aren't dating anymore and that hurts me because anything is possible (finding another person, etc.). So after work she went to her parents. She called me to tell me she made it. I told her that she should stay there for a few days because her actions are confusing me. She said OK, and got off the phone.

What should I do? Should I be nice to her and still show her I love her so she will come back? Do I distant myself so she has time and comes back? I just don't know. Now, I know every relationship is different and you can draw conclusions based on little information. But please give me your insights as the best idea. Assume we love each other very much and she is just going through a lot of emotional issues. One day she also called me crying and said she doesn't know what is going on. She may be depressed. A few years ago she was prescribed medicine.

[notsurewhat2do]

Sorry, I forgot to add another question. Do I do the right thing by asking her to stay away for a few days so WE BOTH can clear our heads?

[amicon]

A break is a break so no more sleepovers. You need to take charge of your life now,so do your own thing and go no contact -that way you can get your act together and let her sort out her own issues. I understand its hurtful but when people say they want a break that's what you give them.

[talaniman]

I think having her stay home is the right thing too, as that's what she ask for. When a lady tells you she wants a break, don't get confused, ask her why. If she doesn't know, leave her alone until she does.

Whatever the communications breakdown, give her space because mature committed couples, work together no matter what life throws at them. That she wants a separation to think, give her all the space she wants, and just do your thing.

When she figures it out, she will let you know. Fair warning though, this is no time to go catting around like a young horn dog though, but good clean adult fun is acceptable.

[Devorameira]

I'd put a stop to it unless you enjoy heartache. I'd go complete no contact!

I hate it when girls play this card. It is just cowardly. In my opinion she’s saying that even though she still likes you a lot and may be atttracted to you - she doesn’t want to actually be with you. It means she’s 95% sure she doesn’t want to be with you instead of being 100%. She wants to keep you around as a back up plan, then if she doesn’t find someone she likes better she’ll come back to you, but if she finds a guy she likes better she can easily and without guilt let you go. When a gal wants to take a break what she really wants is to know that you’ll be waiting with open arms if she decides to come back. That’s what makes it so cowardly. She doesn’t totally want you right now but she also doesn’t want to risk losing you if she has a change of heart

Some people take breaks and do get back together. It does happen, but not very often. She's letting you down easily while trying to keep the door to your relationship open by giving you a sense of hope that the break is only temporary. This is only a temporary break if she doesn’t hook up with someone new and she starts feeling lonely. She’ll only completely come back if the loneliness gets the best of her and there are no other prospects. If she meets a new guy the break will be for real. If she’s loving single life the break will last a very long time, at least until she tires of flying solo, and still then there are no guarantees that she’ll land back with you. She may opt to settle down with the first new cute guy she meets. Then how will you feel?

Accept this and live your life as if you were broken up for good. Date other girls. Don’t hang out with her and don’t contact her. This is the only way you’ll stay sane throughout “the break.” Treat it as if it were a complete break up. Who knows? Maybe once you see this break for the break up that it really is you’ll find that it is you who doesn’t want her anymore. Either way, this gal has cut you loose; it’s about time you did the same.

[talaniman]

Threads have been merged.

By Talaniman last May about the same female,
You have a chance to start over, and do it better, good luck with that, but keep expectations reasonable, and talk, and listen to each other. Please don't do the moving in thing for a while. Stay independent, and see how things go.

I should have merged these two threads (and probably will) but for now, rereading your other post will help you.

[notsurewhat2do]

"I should have merged these two threads (and probably will) but for now, rereading your other post will help you."

That was an old post. I've been through this break thing with her 7 months ago. It only lasted a few weeks. She is not completely sound emotionally (she has had a lot of drama when she was a kid (parents walking out and such). But when she is with me she is much better. The reason this is so hard is because I care about her more than anyone in my life. We had plans to get married pretty soon.

When she calls or texts, should I ignore her? I don't want her to think I've moved on and give up on me if I ignore her. How should I handle that if she initiates it.

[notsurewhat2do]

I love this girl a lot.

Lets say she decides to come back? What do I do? I don't want to be hurt again. I know I may have hurt her which is why we are doing this, but I won't know if she doesn't tell me. I want to make it clear that if she doesn't like something in the relationship that she needs to tell me instead of running out and hurting me.

How can I tell her this? (assuming she comes back)

Also, if she calls or texts over this weekend, what should I do? Ignore her or answer but keep it short and sweet?

Thanks!

[talaniman]

Her past behavior is a good indication of her future behavior so instead of blowing off what happen 7 short months ago, put it in the context of now.

For sure she will do it again, because she already knows you will take her back when she is ready to come back.

Whatever her issue, needs to be resolved. So why did you take her back last time? Don't give me the love angle, I want to know how you resolved your issues last time. Why did she come back?

[notsurewhat2do]

Whatever her issue, needs to be resolved. So why did you take her back last time?? Don't give me the love angle, I want to know how you resolved your issues last time. Why did she come back?

Last time, we talked about what she needed and how can I give her more time. I did spend a lot of time with her but she need more. She also said she acted irrational by leaving. Our relationship grew stronger because of the previous separation. So I spent a lot more time with her.


This situation (in my opinion) is deeper than just the relationship between us. It also involves internal conflicts she has. I know it's a possibility this may happen again. However, I also know she has some emotional issues she can't fully help. I don't feel like I should leave her just because of that issue. I love her regardless. Yes, it makes it difficult but what else can I do since I care too much? I have never cared about a girl so much before meeting her (including past relationships). I have never opened up as much as I have with her, and the same applies to her. I'm just so lost. I told her we need to go to couples therapy so we can work on our relationship. She used to visit a counselor weekly but stopped going.

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by Talaniman;
Whatever her issue, needs to be resolved. So why did you take her back last time?? Don't give me the love angle, I want to know how you resolved your issues last time. Why did she come back?

I will ask again, take your time. I read your last post again to be sure, take away the dates, it's the same post. So the issue, obviously was NOT resolved.

But if history repeats itself, she'll be back in a few weeks. And gone again in a few months. I urge you to reread BOTH Original Posts for yourself.

But if you can live with this behavior, you don't need advice.

[notsurewhat2do]

I apologize if I misread your posts. I reread both posts. The first time we broke up was because she felt I didn't give her enough attention. We resolved that. This time is completely different! She said she needs time to figure out what's wrong with herself, that she feels sad. NOTHING to do with the previous issue of not spending enough time with her. I know I need to let her sort it out. But because I think she may be depressed, I need opinions on what to do for the following;

-When she contact me, do I ignore her or respond? I know normally I should ignore, but if she is depressed I don't know if that is a good idea.

-How can I tell her if she comes back that she needs to come up with a new way to resolve issues?

Thank you very much for your help.

[talaniman]

If she is indeed depressed, that a matter for a doctor. Since this is the second time around, leave her alone, and do be a lot less available. If she cannot respect the relationship, and do what it takes on her end, she shouldn't be in one. If you keep enabling her behavior, expect more of it.

What your doing is not love, love of self, or love of her, but intense feelings based on fear that she will leave, and not come back, fear of dealing with the issues, and doing the work.

Love is a verb, that means taking actions, for yourself, and for her. Ditch all that sweet talk caring crap, get the facts, (What the hell are you doing woman)and see what she does for herself, and as her partner, she talks to you, or she walks. Cold but simple.

You don't have to be a raving tyrant, but no more of this "I don't know" bull crap.

You have already let that work, no more, as I have said the best way to stop that sort of behavior, is not accept it in the first place, even if it means the end of this relationship.

Something tells me you should be practicing your disappearing act.

[notsurewhat2do]

If she is indeed depressed, that a matter for a doctor. Since this is the second time around, leave her alone, and do be a lot less available. If she cannot respect the relationship, and do what it takes on her end, she shouldn't be in one. If you keep enabling her behavior, expect more of it.

What your doing is not love, love of self, or love of her, but intense feelings based on fear that she will leave, and not come back, fear of dealing with the issues, and doing the work.

Love is a verb, that means taking actions, for yourself, and for her. Ditch all that sweet talk caring crap, get the facts, (What the hell are you doing woman)and see what she does for herself, and as her partner, she talks to you, or she walks. Cold but simple.

You don't have to be a raving tyrant, but no more of this "I don't know" bull crap.

You have already let that work, no more, as I have said the best way to stop that sort of behavior, is not accept it in the first place, even if it means the end of this relationship.

Something tells me you should be practicing your disappearing act.

You know, your probably right. The more I think about it, she is a compulsive liar. I don't deserve to be with a liar. She doesn't lie just to me, but everyone. If I can't trust her, I don't need to be with her. I still love her even tough she does this but I need to move on no matter how much I love her. I can find someone that is better and I'm sure I'll love them just as much. Why do I love her so much if she does those things?

Anyway, thanks for your help.

[amicon]

Moving on is a good idea. Let her sort out her own problems. You take care of your own life and disappear from hers.
Liars and their dramas are not what you want in your life.

[talaniman]

You can't help who you have feelings for, its what you do about it that counts.

Sometimes we just can't help people through their personal issues, they have to help themselves first, and the way it looks, this was mostly you doing the work, and her reaping the benefits and that's not fair.

Disappearing from her life, does make the rest of your decisions fairly easy, but hard to do. Just ignore her.

[notsurewhat2do]

Threads merged

Like the title states; It's amazing when you find all the decepticon that was blinded by love.

I was with a girl for 18 months. She feel in love with me and then I feel in love with her. We were young, went through changes. She kept her emotional issues hidden and never talked about them. We broke up 2 weeks ago for the second time (first time lasted about 3 weeks, which was 6 months ago).

However, this time I've realized a lot. I have been blinded by LOVE. I'm truly happy now. She was a liar since day one to me and others. However, I ignored it. When issues would come up about her lies, I was promised it wouldn't happen again. Yet, it still did. While my love never changed (only became deeper) I realize NOW, that in the future, I probably would have been unhappy because of the lying. Deep down, I didn't fully trust her, and I realize that now.

The reason this is important to me, is because I KNOW she will want to come back eventually. However, I will refuse. I will still be her good friend (trust me, she needs it. She is emotionally lost. I also kind of need it to since I still care about her as a person). But I cannot see myself with her anymore. I would have NEVER thought that I would have said that just one short month ago. She was my first TRUE LOVE. We honestly thought we were going to get married and were planning accordingly. Only chance of that ever happening is in 7-12 years from now, I still feel LOVE for her as a person and I know she changed and fixed her emotional issues (chances are slim to none, but anything is possible). I deserve better. I put my life into this relationship and have learned a lot. Even with all the HEARTBREAK, I have LEARNED so much. I don't regret any of it.

My taking from this; if you separate from your girlfriend/boyfriend, or having any sort of issues; Take a step back. Try your hardest to take out the emotional attachment and use your brain. See if your really able to go on with this person "as-is"? Are they worth the heartache? If the other person has a habit of lying in life, can you really trust them for the rest of your life? Take some time alone and just think, let it all out.

Thanks to everyone that has helped me through this. I'm off to live the single life and have fun, I'm only 21 and ready to have fun! I'm excited because I love challenges.

It's amazing when you find all the decepticon that was blinded by love.

[amicon]

Yes love can make us blind-and no one deserves being lied to. I hope you don't fall into the trap of falling for your exes lies ever again.
I wouldn't even be her friend.
Let her sort out her own problems.
That's what your head would tell you to do.

[Devorameira]

Congratulations for making it through all this with such a positive attitude. You are going to be just fine!

[Llisa]

If you do want to leave her (or already have) than that is the right thing to do. And disregard the following if that is so.

This is what I was going to say before I read your last post: If you really love her and want your relationship to work, then you need to give her a lot of space, more than she is proposing at the moment. Firstly, for there to be the possibility of a real future together she needs to go back to therapy and work on her trust issues. This could take along time, e.g. 3 months or longer.

Once she has overcome her trust issues she will know what she wants, either to be with you or not.

It would be healthy if you broke up properly. Once she is ready for a healthy relationship, and she knows she wants to be with you, you will be able to have a real go at a relationship, instead of being stuck in this no mans land of not knowing where you stand.