[dihydrogenoxide]

I'm dating a recovering sex addict, and I need to know what to do.

I'm an eighteen year-old, extremely intelligent freshman in college, studying to be a chemist, and I am a lesbian. I am completely comfortable with my sexuality, but the girl I am dating is bi and not completely sure. However, she tells me she loves me for what's in my heart, not my pants. I'm the type who lives for the moment, and in this moment I know I love her. She makes me so extremely happy, so I really want to make our relationship work. We have a great deal in common, and though we both have our issues, we have both been very supportive with each other. I am a scientist, and somewhat emotionally retarded and I have a hard time expressing myself, but this girl makes me want to be better, and work harder on this.

We were good friends before we started dating, and she had expressed to me that she had an addiction to sex, that she had been sexually abused, and that she had been with many men because of her addiction. I did not take it seriously at first because I did not understand entirely, but after researching, I now understand how serious the problem is. Her last relationship was with a man for over two years, and he was emotionally abusive. She had only been with one woman before me, and that was not a serious monogamous relationship.

The problem: after about a month of dating, she and I had what I thought was a healthy sexual relationship. However, I soon realized something was not right. She would go out of her way to not touch me or have sex with me. After about a month of us both pretending nothing was wrong, a friend sat us down and told us to cut the . What it boiled down to was I still had trust issues after she had cheated on me with two men, and she was having issues with our sexual relationship. She said she was having problems figuring out her sexuality, and she was working on overcoming her sexual addiction. The solution we came up with that night was that I am not supposed to initiate any physical contact, and we would not have sex until she was sure she was in a good place with her addiction. But I am concerned; she still spend hours upon hours looking at porn and masturbating. She will tell me afterward, and say she did poorly and will try harder. I don't know what I should be doing to help, and quite frankly, the whole not having sex thing is really hard on me. I'm trying really hard to make this work, because at the end of the day she makes me really happy, and I know she loves me. She had been drunk and upset when she cheated on me, and she was petrified of losing me. It had been only about a month into our relationship, and since then we have worked on the trust issues that resulted. But I don't know how to help her with her porn addiction, especially since I want her so bad myself. I just really need what to do to help us both. Any advice would be appreciated so much.

[dihydrogenoxide]

I should also mention that when we were having sex, she would mention how much she misses the emotional connection that she has with a man during sex, that she doesn't get that with a woman... specifically me. I want this to work, but aside from just hanging in there, I don't know what to do. Thank you for you help

[Fr_Chuck]

If you are just "dating" then why would she not be free to date others, what you want is a relatinship where there is no outside dating.. Sounds like she is not ready for that yet.

[dihydrogenoxide]

... when I suggested an open relationship so she could be with men, or even other women if she wanted, she said no because she cared about me too much.

[excon]

Hello di:

She ain't bi.

excon

[dihydrogenoxide]

Hello di:

She ain't bi.

excon

Elaborate?

[excon]

Elaborate?

Hello again, di:

She likes getting, but she don't like giving.. Doesn't sound lesbianish to me.

excon

[Jake2008]

Excon could be right here.

But, even if he is, her confusion over her sexual past, including abuse, is not something you are likely going to be able to 'fix' for her. She has some major issues going on there.

Love isn't something to negotiate, you are either in, or you're out. That is where, I think, excon is coming from. She's in when she wants sex, and out when she has to deal with the relationship part.

If she were a friend of mine, I'd have her in counselling. There are no quick fixes to having a past of abuse that carries on into adulthood.

You are in dangerous territory to presume that your research has correctly identified why she behaves the way she does.

[JudyKayTee]

You are in dangerous territory to presume that your research has correctly identified why she behaves the way she does.

Out of greenies - so here's some applause. Dangerous, indeed, to research and diagnose unless you're a researcher or physician.