[Misshersomuch]

Yeah, that's what I think as well. My only problem is that I go to school with my friend, and my seat is the seat right next to him in the classroom.

On the bright side, I have just five days left of school before christmas, so I think I can make it through. I just don't know how to act towards him those five days, because I'll see him all day for those five days at school.

As far as my ex goes, I'm sticking to no contact with her. I feel better over the situation between me and my ex today, I just don't want to loose my friend as well. But even though I don't want to loose him, I don't know if I can take it if he essentially steals my girlfriend. All I know is that he does well in letting it rest for a while right now. If things are to work out between my and my friend, I think he should stay away from my ex for at least a couple of months, but only time will tell.

[talaniman]

That's up to them what they do about each other, and you have no control over that, but you can control your own actions, and remove yourself from this mess.

These things tend to have lasting effect on everyone involved, and your to emotional for the "what if" drama.

[Llisa]

Dear Misshersomuch,

I hope you follow Talaniman's advice. This is out of your control and will only serve to hurt you if you keep giving it importance in your life. All the best.

[Misshersomuch]

(I'm afraid this got quite long, as usual. Sorry!)
Thanks for your replies guys.

I know you are right, but I'm just so confused by my mixed feelings right now.

On one hand, I suspect that my friend still has a relationship with my ex, which bothers me to say the least. If he does, it's what I consider a serious trust issue - does that mean I can't leave him alone with any future girlfriends, because of the fear that he might kiss her or try to steal her? And how can I forgive him for stealing the girl I love?
In one way, I don't want her back, because of the pain she has given me. I'll always think about the risk for that happening again, of her hurting me the same way.

On the other hand, I still love her very much - despite her actions and mistakes, and I miss her so much. If she came and asked me today, asked of forgiveness and a new chance, I wouldn't be able to resist. I messed up once, in a matter of how she felt and how I acted towards her (I acted childish, you could say), and she gave me another chance. I feel that if she really wants a new chance, and tells me the right things, she deserves one.

I just don't know what to do right now. I really, really don't want to lose my friend, but as I said, if he goes after her, how can I forgive him for that?

I still want her back, but I have no idea what she wants.
I saw her twice today. The one time, I walked past her classroom and looked her straight into her eyes, sort of by accident (I didn't realize she was sitting there before our eyes made contact). She just looked at me, and I couldn't make myself stop to see her reaction of seeing me, even though I wanted to.

The second time, I saw her standing talking with her friends. I was standing with some people from my class, about 50m away. I kept looking towards her, and at first she didn't seem to be annoyed by this, but all of the sudden she walked away with her friends, might have been an incident though.

I'm thinking of giving her a christmas gift after all, to more exact, there's an artist I really like and that I know that she likes but she haven't got any records by him. I've always talked about making a best of record for her, and I was thinking maybe I could do that for her for christmas. But on the other hand, maybe I should stay away completely from her.

I really don't know what to do right now. My friend seems to be very down from all of this, and I didn't talk much with him at school today. I just don't know what to say to him. If he is in fact having a relationship with my ex, I don't know how to forgive that. But on the other hand, I don't see him as the type of doing that. But I guess people can surprise you.

One thing that I am a bit surprised by, but I guess I might just be analyzing this too much, is this.

About three months before I started dating my ex, I dated this other girl at my school for about a month. I don't really know why, because I didn't have any special feelings for her. It turned out she did have for me though, so when I realized that I didn't, and ended it, she became very hurt. I felt bad for all of this, but at the time I was so insecure about my feelings.

When I got together with my ex after this, this other girl became very mad at her, I guess you could call it jealous.
My ex felt like this girl hated her.

A couple of months later, this girl gets together with a mate of mine. They seem to be happy together etc.

In the summer however, it turns out she cheated opn him. On several occations, and it went pretty far (we're talking sex here).
At first she lied about it, but then he found out and broke up with her.

Now, I've learned that my ex all of the sudden started hanging with this girl after our break-up. Mind you that this girl used to hate my ex, and they never hung together before.
I sort of have a feeling that my girlfriend might be doing this because she knows that this girl have gotten over cheating on a guy, is this ridiculous and paranoid of me to think?

[talaniman]

If you cannot see you need to step way back from this entire situation, then I don't know what to tell you. You are to close to have an objective perspective at this time. Now your grasping for straws to explain what you don't know.

[Misshersomuch]

I know I should be staying away from all of this, especially my ex - which I believe I am, going one week of no contact now.

It's just the whole deal with my friend that's bothering me the most, and I don't think I can pull away from that as easily. I don't know how to act towards him or say to him right now, because I don't really know what the situation with him and my ex is, and I don't know how to ask him either. All I know is that if there indeed is something between them, I'll just have to avoid him for a while, because I see stealing your best friends girlfriend as something that just isn't acceptable.

But on the other hand, I don't see him as the guy to do such a thing. But then again, I wouldn't expect him to kiss her in the first place.

I will stay away from my ex the best I can, but I feel like I need to sort out the situation with my friend right now. What should I do? Talk with him again?

[amicon]

It's a tricky one,maybe you're better off leaving things as they are till after the hols-that would give you more time to get heal . Overthinking any situation is not a great idea,even though I can understand why you're doing it.

[Llisa]

Even though it is the hardest thing to do, you need to do nothing. Just leave it alone for the moment till you have more perspective. And definitely don't give you ex a present!! That would only do harm to both you and her.

You've talked with them both already. If you think about it they've alread told you what the situation is. She doesn't want to be with you. They are most likely not together and will not get together and anyway there is nothing you can do about it.

Just chin up and wait out this pain. Try to fill your time with activities. All the best.

[Jake2008]

The overthinking is a trap that will keep you in its grip, and have you replaying parts of your life over and over again.

It becomes a continuous loop, and each part becomes more and more complicated because the questions just keep repeating themselves.

Accept that you cannot read minds, see the future, or change the past. It is what it is, quite simply, out of your control.

That is the most difficult thing to accept. Keeping the thoughts going is a way of hanging on to possibilities, solving the problems in order to get the answers you want.

Try to focus on practical, day to day things that you do have control over, and that don't cause obsessive thoughts.

[Misshersomuch]

Thanks for all of your replies. The last 24 hours haven't been quite as I would've thought.

Last night, she sent me a message saying she wanted to call me. She said she wanted to talk, because she could guess how I was feeling through all of this insecurity. My first thought was to keep up no contact, but as you've probably learned by now I'm weak for closure. Besides, I felt like she might need it for her own well being as well, so when she called, I answered.

We talked for quite a while. She told me that her and my friend have very strong feelings for each other, but because of me and my well being they didn't want to do anything, to not ruin me and my relationship with my friend. We talked about this for a while, and she told me that she feels like she has hurt me way too much already, and that she doesn't want to break my heart completely.

After a while, she asked me how I was doing. I told her I was doing OK and not to worry, but I think she might have been told from my friend that I'm not doing that well. Anyway, she said that I shouldn't lie to her, and told me to tell me how I really was doing.

Before I knew it, I fell apart and just started to cry. I told her how I was doing, which is not very well, having not eated or slept properly since the break-up. She comforted me over the phone for almost an hour. We then decided to meet up today, so that we could talk plus she wanted to give me a hug.

I don't think I need to go into details about this talk, we talked about her feelings for me and my friend, and more about how they didn't want to anything with it (yet, anyway) so that they don't tear me apart. I told her I appreciate this. Most of the conversation was really just about how we both were doing and more into details abot everything.

I also admitted to her, because I felt she deserves me being honest with her, that I'm not over her yet, and that I still have very strong feelings for her. She told me that she understood, but that she couldn't do anything with it. I told her I knew that, and that I respected her feelings and wishes, and that I was trying to get over her for her sake, but it would take time.

Throughout the whole time, she was great, really. She kept trying to make me smile, gave me lots of hugs and really showed me that she still cares about me. I felt a lot better after this talk.

She told me that she had been thinking about me every day, every hour and every minute since the break. I told her that I had been doing the same for her and then we talked a bit about all of that (I don't think I need to go into all the details, or this will get far to long).

I told her that I appreciated all of her honesty, and the fact that she cares so much about me. I also said that I could see reasons for not doing this, but that I wanted her to tell me about it if something happened between her and my friend. Being honest would be best for all of us.

She told me to contact her if I needed to talk and to take care.

As I said, I'm a fan of closure,

I think I'm going to talk with my friend tomorrow, to let him know how I feel about all of this. I don't want to loose this friendship of ours, but he needs to rebuild the trust he broke in that case. I believe friendship is built on trust - I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her.

I feel one step closer to getting over her now, really. It felt good to talk with her anyway, and she sent me a message later saying that she felt the same.

What do you guys think?

(I don't think I left out anything important, but just ask if you think that I did)

[Llisa]

I think you need to stop calling her your girlfriend.

[Misshersomuch]

Whoah, yeah you are definitely right, and I've been calling her my ex for the previous posts. I guess it's what you could call an online slip of the tongue.

EDIT: If you mean in the part where I say I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her, that was meant in a more general way. Saying, if I get a girlfriend later on, I need to be able to trust him. (And she was still my girlfriend when he kissed her)

[Llisa]

I don't think that is something you should be concerned with right now. You can sort that later on with your friend when you are better, sometime in the future.

Also, if your next girlfriend loves you and wants to be with you, she won't want to kiss other guys. I think your ex did this mostly because she didn't want to be with you but didn't know what to do. I know screwy isn't it.

[Misshersomuch]

Yeah, I know that about my ex, she's been completely honest about losing her feelings for me etc. It sort of makes it easier for me to get over her, strangely enough, knowing that she doesn't feel the same for me as she used to. It makes it easier to realize that it in fact is over, rather than the relationship ending over a disagreement.

About my friend, yes, it's an issue for the future, because I know I'm far from ready for a girlfriend now. It will end up bad for both me and her if I get one right now, I'm just not ready for it.

However, I do feel like I need to rebuild my relationship with my friend from day one, therefore, I think I should talk with him, even though it's still hard for me.

[Jake2008]

I believe friendship is built on trust - I need to be able to leave my girlfriend with my friend without him kissing her.

I think you meant what you said, it was not a slip of the tongue, and it was not meant to imply something other than what it was.

This really has to stop. She needs to leave you alone and stop the b.s. your friend needs to stop the b.s. and all three of you need to live your own lives.

You cannot pretend that what you are doing, thinking, and how you are behaving will have her return to you. If she does, it will be out of pitty. What she is doing, is warming you up to the truth that she wishes to be involved with your friend, but she doesn't want you to be unstable when she does.

While that may seem 'kind' and 'caring', it is not her concern how you get over her, only that you do. Her sentiment is merely to clear her own conscience, not ease yours. And don't think for a moment that her and your friend thouroughly talk this over.

I am out of advice for you, and tired of going around the mullberry bush here.

Time to make a decision, take responsibility for your own life, let others live their lives, and get a grip on this.

Why you set yourself up to be crushed over and over again, is beyond me.

[Misshersomuch]

I know that she won't return to me, and I'm starting to accept that. I know this.

I really meant nothing else than I said I meant by using the word 'girlfriend'.

I'm sorry to seem so arrogant over this, and I'm just a little kid, but I still believe that they have talked about this. Because I know them better than you, I know how they tend to act. I choose to believe them.

EDIT: And I know I can't keep them from being together. In fact, I believe they will end up together eventually. But I also believe them when they tell me that they won't do anything of the likes as of yet. And, if they choose to do so (before I've gotten the time I need), I'm ready to just walk out on them, because if they at that point don't care that much about me, I don't see why I should care about them. But I believe in forgiveness, and I believe in giving people another chance.

[Llisa]

I agree that they are as you've said nice and kind people. That is why you liked them in the first place. But I agree with what Jake says about the bs. Even though your ex is trying to help you by talking to you. These hugs and talks aren't helping you at all.

To move on from this place of pain you need to maintain no contact. And if you want to, then talk to your friend, I can't stop you I'm in cyberspace :D lol. But I would advise you to give it a bit more time. He's your friend, he'll still be there in a few week or months or when you are a bit better.

Also I think you should only talk to him when you don't break down when you think about your ex with another person. Because when you start rebuilding your friendship with him, you can't have any ulterior motives, i.e.. Influencing him not see her. And truthfully that is one of your motives. The only outcome you can control here is how you behave.

[Llisa]

Hi again,

I found this really great post by Zeenie

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post2128432

(I only read page 18)

She gives this really great report on 13/12/09 on how she is doing a year later. And I thought you might like to read it.

[rinez07]

Hei! Its really long but went interesting as its completely genuine and straight from your heart. Its good that you are in an approx to like both your girlfriend and your best friend. And I should not regret you anyway. I appreciate your understanding. I guess, all mis-understanding are disclosed. Well, I would like to suggest you suggestions writing my own short story. Its real as you could find my interest commenting you on your note as your feelings almost exactly corresponds to my feelings these days. In my situation,I could pretend as your girlfriend. I hope its interesting to you.

This summer 09', I happened to meet a sporty girl as to my liking every time. Knowing each other better and better for the next 4 months till now, we happened to like each other. Just to like not to love. I proposed her after 5 months since our first meet in a way sending a text message 'I LIKE YOU'. We were totally not in love,I guess. From next day, we felt comfortable dealing each other in front of friends and our family members. I feel very proud to be next to her every time. I liked to be teased by my friends when I am with her. Commitments were the things we had been trying to develop. She believed me more than I did to her as I feel. I want to make it short (we knew each other very well that I feel she cannot have any reason to regret if only if I proposed her)

On those days, I was working as a tutor for my University here in Finland. I was supposed to help a sexy sweet Russian girl. We happened to be in the same apartment. We became friends. We were good friends. Although, my liking girl (near girlfriend) was not near with me, but I feel comfortable explaining how much I like to that girl to my sweet Russian friend. I know we were, we are and we would be just just only friends. In fact, I have told to my girl, that I have a very good Russian fren and bla bla. She din't have had any problem. I was happy to make strong bond between us without any feeling of jealousy. But, situation turned worst.

One day, some few weeks ago, my liking girl's brother happen to see me and the russian girl on the way to the Market. We were under the same umbrella catching hands as to the compulsion for the rainy day. I admit that seemed kind of peculiar and an image of a play boy. But, I am not. There was not even any thing that I feel describing word 'Pleasure for opposite sex'. Well, the Russian girl could only understand the situation.

Next day, in msn my liking girl sends me note that she would just like to be my friend rather than being in any kind of relationship. I was surprised. Trying to find out the reason for the note, came to know that I was actually with the russian girl. I was stopped. I didn't have any answer. Subsequently, she dumped me so easily. Those belief, those moments were just those. They are past. And today, I am just suffering. I hate myself. I ask myself- Why would I try to be with any other else if I already like someone so much? But, its just the situation that made me so 'CRAP'

Well, my liking girl she understands me. Russian girl did talk to her. Everything is okei. But, not the same feeling. I reckon, we are not meant to be together. Its life. My situation made me post in Facebook the same songs we used to like together that could satire her. My Facebook status is always highlighting those extra-ordinary moments we had. Everything I do, I do for satiring with infinite expectation so that she could be the same girl I used to be with.

I hope you understood. I love if the girl comes to me, at least talk good way. At least walk with me. At least feel pity for me. Catching hands or kissing good are so far away but happened to do the same to whom I don't love or like at all.

Analysing your note and my situation broda, I hope you just need to ring the bell of your girlfriend and then give a smooch kiss until she feels relaxed and calm. I wish my girl would do to me. I think we have almost the same story. Just the gender is different. And, that the point. That's has made me easy to share my feelings to you. You are in internet so I don't feel any regret sharing feelings to unknown people.

I am sure you will get your girlfriend back if you have courage to propose her once again, if you really feel that whatever she posts in Facebook or whatever she does satires you in a way... because... in my story.. I am your girlfriend. I want you to come to me and propose me, kiss me, love me.

GOOD LUCK MAN!

Yours unknown New friend...
CHEERS"""!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS

[Misshersomuch]

Warning: This got very long, I'm sorry and I hope you'll bear with me. I just have a lot to say.

-

Thanks a lot for your replies, everyone. I have read them all, and I appreciate all of them.

I haven't posted in a while, because I knew it would have to be quite long, and I've been quite confused you could say.

This will be more of an update than a reply, really.

-

There are some things I haven't talked a lot about you guys with.
After the breakup, I have been having serious issues of sleeping.
I counted back one weekend, and found out that I had slept a total of about 10 hours over those past five days.

I've also been having trouble eating like usual, and at the worst I was down at one or zero meals per day. This is quite unusual for me, I love eating (but I'm skinny).

Another thing I haven't told you guys too much about either, because I thought I was dealing with it myself, is that I have been having suicidal thoughts.
Not every day, but once in a while since the breakup. The reasons I haven't told you is that I always “talked myself out of it”, but I see now that I perhaps should have.

-

The day after I met up with my ex (15th), I went back to no contact with her. I didn't speak too much with my friend either, as I'm starting to feel more and more like he let me down. I don't want him to know that I feel like this, because he's been having depressions earlier in his life (as shortly described in first post), and I think he might be headed back into some of them now.

-

The next day (16th) I was back at the suicidal thoughts. Only this time, they were more intense and serious than ever, I was considering the pros and cons of different methods, and the percentage rate of success.
I'm not kidding.

At one point, I went up on the roof as well (fifth floor), but I wasn't close to the edge before turning around.

I thought “OK, this is serious” and that I no longer could handle this myself. I didn't feel like talking with anyone about this kind of stuff, as it's quite personal in one way. I decided to do as you guys plus my ex had advice me to, and I went to see the school nurse.

I talked with her for about two hours. I talked about everything from my childhood etc. (do you want me to go into detail about this? Let me know and I'll do. I won't now to keep it shorter) to the past weeks.

I really felt a lot better after this, and I haven't been considering suicide since.

At this point I felt like I needed to talk with my friend (I hadn't spoken seriously with him for the past few days), and tell him how I felt etc. But on the other hand, I still have too much in my head to think completely straight now, and I sure did back then.

I decided to talk with him but to keep it as short as possible.
I walked with him home from school, and told him that I didn't want all of this to ruin the relationship between me and him, but at the same time this isn't something I can accept. (Not going into details to keep it shorter).

He told me that he fully understands, and that he never wanted this to happen and that he messed up big time. He said he wished that all would be back to normal.

At this point I had broken down and could barely talk. I just told him again that I don't want this to ruin anything, but right now I simply don't know and that I just need some time. He told me that he understood, and felt the same way.

-

When I got home, I forced myself to eat something. After that I spent the rest of the day and evening with my sister (19 yrs), who had just gotten home for Christmas as she lives in a different country.
As I said, I spent the evening with her. I actually sat up with her until about 03 AM, and it was the first time in weeks I had been able to relax for a longer period.

As I was going to bed, I checked my phone, and noticed a lot of calls and messages from my ex spread over the past 4-5 hours.

I could tell from the messages that she needed someone to talk to, so I decided to call her back.

I don't think I've ever heard her this far down. She told me that she really, really misses me and that she just couldn't bear it anymore. She had been hiding those feelings from me, in order to not hurt me anymore. I told her that I miss her as well.

After that, I tried avoiding that sort of talk with her (for my own sake, as far as getting over her) but I talked with her for about two hours, trying to make her feel better. When we hung up (about 05 AM), we had agreed to meet up tomorrow and talk some more. I could tell she needed it.

-

I met up with her at a café, and at first I tried to focus on her and how she was doing. Of course, we came into the subject of her missing me.

I considered just rejecting her, but I couldn't make myself do it. I know you guys will object to this, but I was prepared for this and had decided already. Let me at least try to defend my decision:
I know I'm putting myself up to be hurt now. I know.
But I feel like this: no pain no gain. The first time I opened up for her, I ran the risk of getting hurt as well. Not as badly, of course, but still. I had been in love with her for two years so it was a big step for me. But I took the chance. What did I get? The best year of my life, with the girl I love.

So, I decided to be honest with her.

I told her that I miss her as well, and that I still love her. We talked things through, and we both agreed that if anything were to happen, both of us were going to need time.

Over the evening we got close and closer again, and we ended up kissing. I can assure you both wanted it (at that time anyway), as it happened rather slowly and both of us had the chance to back out several times.
After that, we both agreed that if anything, both of us need time.

We spent the rest of the evening together though, and went to eat and actually had a very good time. I felt as a friend to her at that point, nothing more, and didn't act otherwise either. I think both of us had good use of that time together, as it was a chance to relax a bit and not worry so much.

I think she felt better after this, seemed like it anyway.
-

The next few days, I didn't speak too much with her. Our only contact was over online chat, and consisted mainly of friendly chatting.
She brought up that she had been working on a Christmas gift for me, and I confessed the same.
We decided to meet up on Saturday to exchange gifts.

We met up, and she seemed very happy to see me. I hadn't seen her like this for a long time, certainly feeling better now.

What I gave her was:
Chocolate I know she likes, to cheer her up when she's down.
A CD I've promised to make her long before this happened.
Another CD I know she'll like.
A poem I wrote to her. (Love poem)

She made me open her gifts at that time, so I did the same to her.

Her gifts were great, and made me really happy (doesn't matter what they were).

I warned her before giving her the poem that she might not want to read it. She insisted on doing so.

She read the poems before my eyes. When she was done, she started crying. Then she gave me a big hug, saying it was the best gift she had ever gotten. I could tell that she was touched.

After this, we said goodbye (she's gone away for the holidays now), and wished each other happy Christmas, and gave each other a big hug. We agreed that if any one of us wanted to contact each other, we could do so by phone.

I spent the weekend with my family and buying Christmas gifts for relatives.
-

On Monday (21st) I talked with the school nurse again. I told her the truth, that I'm feeling a lot better.
I'm no longer feeling suicidal, at all, I'm sleeping much better (not normal, yet) and eating a lot more (not normal, yet).
I also told her about what happened since the last time that I met her, and she made me feel even better.

The next couple of days were spent with my family. I'm looking forward to meeting the rest of my relatives (that live in my hometown) tomorrow, another chance to relax a bit. I'm really glad I have a holiday now; it's a great chance to fix myself, if I could put it that way. I feel like I need the break.

-
In general, I feel a lot better now. As I said, I'm eating and sleeping a lot more than I did.
I also feel glad that my friend seems to be on the same page as me, if you could say that. I feel egoistic for thinking like this, but I don't think our friendship can go back to what it was if he gets into a relationship with my ex. Not for a long time, anyway.

I'm not sure, at all, what's going to happen between me and my ex. I literally have no idea. I do however feel better after we talked, because we both got to say how we felt and agreed on taking some time before deciding anything – whether it is to try again or to say broken up.

-

I do know I might have done a stupid thing by not rejecting her calls. I know I'm putting myself up to be hurt by her, and used by her to feel better. I know this.
This is a chance I'm willing to take.

However, if I find out that she in fact is using me to feel better, as if I'm the guy you can come to when you need him and leave him In a dump for the rest of the time, I will let her know that I won't accept that. I just won't put up with it.

But as long as I don't think this is the case, I'm taking the risk.

Thank you for reading all of this. I'm sorry it got so long. I hope you understood most of it, don't hesitate to ask if something is unclear or you're wondering about something.

I appreciate all replies! And Merry Christmas to all of you!