[Cristoforo]

I haven't really gotten another woman's perspective on my situation. Basically I was with my ex for 4.5 years before she called it off last week. Now I am heartbroken and I have to move out next week. We were renting a house that her dad owned so its obviously me that has to move out. Four months ago we were engaged to be married in September of this year. These past four months have been an absolute nightmare and a trainwreck that I don't think either of us saw coming.

In December 2008, we had been engaged for 6 months at that point, and out of nowhere, I started to get these strange feelings. I started to get really nervous about getting married in less than a year. We had just moved into together and we weren't really getting along, and I didn't like the way she was treating me after we moved in and were trying to get the house organized. For some reason I started to think about all the things I didn't like about her and how she started negative behavior like her mother. I just started to get scared. On top of that I was dealing with depression that I have had for a long time. I had been unhappy with myself and I had my own issues with myself confidence.

So I told my fiancé about my cold feet and that maybe we should postpone the wedding. I told her I still loved her, I still wanted to be with her, and I just wanted to make this work and sort out our problems first. She seemed OK with this but then the next day she said she would try to be nicer to me and asked if I wanted to go ahead with the wedding in September. After thinking about it, I realized I did love her and that maybe my cold feet were just temporary and so I agreed.

About two weeks later we got into an argument about something stupid. I revealed to her that I had been really depressed lately and there were times when I didn't see a point in life. This obviously hurt her very much, but I assured her it had nothing to do with her and it dealt more with my own insecurities. She was hurt because she figured that when someone is engaged it should be the happiest time in their life. She said later that night that she couldn't marry someone who is miserable and depressed and had their own issues that needed worked on. She gave back the ring.

A day or two later we were having a discussion about what had happened and this is when I told her other things she probably didn't want to hear. I told her I was feeling smothered living with her and I also told her that I had felt a little bit of pressure to propose to her. I don't really think there was 100 percent truth to these statements, but I was just grasping at straws trying to explain to her where the cold feet might have came from. These things hurt her even more.

I took a few days and really reflected on everything and I realized that I really did want to marry her in September and that these feelings were just temporary insanity. When I told her that, she said "You couldn't have changed your mind that quickly after saying the things you did". I told her I did change my mind, I was wrong and I wanted to go through with the wedding. She refused and said she was still hurt and was protecting herself in the case that she took me back and I did it all over again. I assured her I wouldn't but she still didn't trust me.

About two weeks passed after that and we were getting along even though the wedding was called off. She was trying to evaluate if she still wanted to be in this relationship. It was New Year's Eve and she wanted to meet up with my friends and I. I was upset that she didn't take me back after I said I no longer had cold feet and wanted to get married. I guess I acted like a jerk that night and ignored her. The next day she said she was done for good.

I was supposed to move out but we talked and we sort of rushed back into things... We started getting along and I was being really good to her and I told her I was sorry for everything and that I still wanted to marry her. Then we started going to couples counseling in February and we were making progress. I realized that I had made a huge mistake, and that I no longer had the feelings I did and I knew for sure I wanted to marry her. Our therapist said if we wanted to move forward, we had to put the past behind us. And this is where my ex had a lot of trouble in. It was too hard for her to do that.

I thoughts things were going well and I wanted to get the relationship and the engagement back on track... but then last weekend she drops a bombshell and says she doesn't want to do this anymore and that she doesn't love me the way she used to and doesn't see a future with me. This crushed me. So now here I am and I have to move out. I don't really know what to think. I understand why she is hurt and I guess she could not let the past go and try to trust me again. I think she thought that I would just do the same thing all over again, even though now, I know 100 PERCENT that I would not.

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work? Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back? I feel like she is my soulmate and the love of my life. I had never felt those feelings in our 4.5 years together and I couldn't help how I felt. I looked deep into myself and I realized she is everything I wanted it and my feelings of doubt were temporary. Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together? What should I do? Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?

[talaniman]

So all she has is your word that things will change? You haven't kept your word before, why should she trust you now?

As a guy, its not a good bet that you would be a good partner.

[Cristoforo]

So are you saying that any relationship in which a person has temporary cold feet is doomed to fail? People that have broken up have never gotten back together and gotten married after some time apart? This was really the only time I broke her trust. Its hard, but I believe you can gain trust back.

[liz28]

I would be gone and stay gone.

I am glad that you didn't get marry because getting hitch don't make the problems away and the two you had plenty, which was unhealthy.

You need to sort out your own problems through counseling instead of trying to be in a relationship.

The two of you sounds like oil and water and sometimes you can't always fix what is broken.

[ylaira]

So women on here, if you were in my ex's shoes, would you bail or would you try to work things out and make it work?

It's been 4.5 years of procrastination, depression, not understanding himself, saying words not thought very well. Most likely she's certain on what she's talking about.

Is cold feet something that would break your trust enough that you couldn't ever get it back?

Certainly. You proposed to me and you said you feel smothered and pressured? What is it you really want?

Should I just move on or is there any hope in us getting back together?

Move on and kill that hope. You had your chances but you had doubts. Things will just go back on its old ways.

What should I do?

Move on. Take what she said and deal your own issues.

Should I just move out and do NC and work on myself and not think about her or talk to her unless she contacts me?

Move out. Sort out your own depression. Any woman wouldn't want to deal with a depressed man. No matter what you say, we will always think it's us.

[Cristoforo]

But I really didn't feel pressure. It was something I told her when we were trying to figure out the reasons for my cold feet. I brought up that I felt a little bit of pressure. But the day I proposed to her, I knew I wanted to marry her. We were engaged 6 months and the whole time I knew for sure.

Why didn't she just bail for good when it first happened? Why did she give me another chance by going to therapy? Obviously, she was willing to try to work things out but for whatever reason I guess it didn't work.

[liz28]

For whatever reason she decided she wants out and bail just like you did.

Maybe she got sick of the agruing, I don't know I am in her head.

You need to accept it and let it go, for now. The two of you had a rocky relationship anyway with all the back and forth. Maybe she got cold feet.

[Cristoforo]

Right, but I don't think I really 'bailed'. I never wanted out of the relationship. I just got confused but then I knew what I really wanted. But I guess it was too late.

[mudweiser]

I would have left. The whole, I'm ready, not ready, would just frustrate me and it'd be a waste of my time.

Sarah

[Cristoforo]

Well, it wasn't the cold feet that caused her to end it, it was the other things I said, mostly how I was really depressed and didn't see a point in life, and that I felt smothered.

So for what its worth, just basic feelings of cold feet don't always push the girl away. She was willing to accept that, until I told her the other stuff.

[mudweiser]

Well cold feet for me is a big factor. Means your unsure about me and having second thought of even having a relationship. It doesn't matter what you say, it's the fact that you aren't willing to jump in. And in addition for you to be telling me that you feel smothered and not seeing the point in life would just confirm my thoughts and I'd be in the end annoyed with dealing with someone with such a negative mentality.

Like they say misery likes company, but I, for one, won't be his.

Sarah

[Cristoforo]

Yeah I guess everyone is different. Even after all that stuff I said she was willing to give me another chance and we were going to therapy. I guess once in therapy, it was just too much for her to handle.

[talaniman]

Put yourself in the position she was in and imagine how you would feel if after 5 years you didn't want to move to the next level.

You are right, once trust is broken, it has to be earned back, and I guess she didn't want to go through that long process.

[Cristoforo]

She was willing to stick around and give me time... but when I said I had changed my mind, she didn't think it was possible that I thought enough about it long enough and could change my mind that quickly.

I should have just told her lets postpone it until this date. I didn't. I was so afraid of losing her.

OH well, the past is past. I can't change it although I wish more than anything that I could. I have to learn from this.

[Cristoforo]

I'm in a world of pain right now. I managed to get back together with my ex, whom I was with for 5 years and was even engaged to, after an 8 month breakup. The road to reconciliation was a rocky one, a roller coaster, we were always going back and forth, neither of us could get on the same page as one another, and there was even one point a couple months ago where she said she didn't want to be in a relationship with me. I figured it was over for good so I went out and lived my life instead of moping around. Thinking sex with someone else would make me feel better, I had a one night stand with a random girl whose name I don't even remember. Afterwards, I felt awful, it didn't make me feel better, it made me feel worse, and I even felt like I cheated on my ex! I guess that was because I was still very much in love with her.

I didn't sleep with anyone else after that and then eventually my ex and I started talking again and finally about a week ago, we decided we wanted to get back together and make it work. We started sleeping together again as well. Then she started to ask me if I slept with anyone else when we were broken up. I flat out lied to her and said no. She asked again. I lied. Again. I lied again. She said it was only fair because if we were sleeping together she needs to know because she didn't want to get an STD. I lied again.

Finally, one night after making love, she started berating me about it again. Saying she had this feeling that I slept with someone and that sex just felt different to her, like I was performing different or something like that. I lied again and said I hadn't. I figured if I told her the truth she would be pissed and not want to be with me anymore. I was afraid of the consequences. She kept berating me so finally I just came clean. She was very upset and said that I didn't care about her and I disrespected her body. She told me to leave her alone and get out of her life, do not call, email, text, etc. She claimed she was more upset about the lie than the actual act of sleeping with someone else, but I don't buy it. I think I was damned if I do, damned if I don't. Had I been honest from the start, I think she still would have flipped out because we were each other's firsts. We had that special thing and now I feel like because I slept with someone else and she didn't, she probably feels like that special thing is gone and because of that, no longer wants me.

It's been 5 days and I haven't heard from her. I've respected her wishes and haven't bothered it, but it is torturing me. I still love her very much and I wish I hadn't lied. I wish I hadn't had that one night stand. My friends say I should have just kept up the lie and what she doesn't know won't hurt her. Others say I did the right thing by being honest, even though I lied first. They said if I kept up the lie, it would eat me up inside.

Is it really better to be honest about what you did during a breakup if you decide to get back together with an ex? I never asked her what she did, because quite frankly, I didn't care, we were broken up, I didn't want to know, I wanted a fresh start with her. But she seemed to care a lot and just berated me about what I had done. If I had kept up the lie, I'd still be with her. Now, after months of working to get back together, she's gone again and I am miserable. I would do anything to have her back! What advice can anyone out there give me? Did I do the right thing by finally coming clean?

[redhed35]

I went back and read over your other threads..

It would seem you have not changed at all,and for her perhaps it was a case of the same old same old...

More heartache.

Maybe she will come back again,and maybe she has just had enough of the relationship for good.

[Cristoforo]

How have I not changed? Obviously I did somewhat or else she might not have been willing to give us another shot. What's in the past is in the past, I really don't see a need to bring up my previous posts from 8 months ago.

[sabrewolfe]

I think you should really leave it alone now and take some time to figure out what you really want. Jumping in bed with other people to try to get over someone is a big mistake. You need to decide for yourself if sex is something sacred between you and someone you really love or just something to do to have fun. I wouldn't worry about trying to figure her out or what she's going to do, you have enough to figure out with yourself.

[Cristoforo]

Wow... just because I had a one night stand with someone means I have a ton of problems? People have sex all the time. I wasn't asking if sleeping with someone else was the right thing to do, I was asking if being honest in this case was the right thing to do and what I can do to earn her trust back. I've already realized after the one night stand that I only want to have sex with someone I love, my ex.

[amicon]

You should have told her the truth straight up. At the time of your onenightstand you were broken up so what you did then was your business. But not coming clean the first time she asked you was a mistake and once the trust is gone only she can decide if she wants to try and rebuild it.