[aldepone]

I'm 22 & he's 34. We have sex like 4, 5x a week, sometimes more. But I want it like all the time. I feel like we used to have sex a lot more... but I don't know. It's been a year, maybe it's normal?

I've gained weight because of medicine and getting off drugs since we've been together. (so it's not just that I got fat for no reason) When I was skinny he always said I should gain weight. And now he says he loves how I look & I look the best I've ever looked. But I think he's lying, because he knows if he said anything else, I'd cry. I've always been extremely self-conscious about my body. What if he's not attracted to me anymore because I let myself go and I don't exercise or diet. But neither does he... so that's probably not it, right? Every time I see him looking at me, all I can think is that he's looking at how fat and gross I am. =(

When I bring it up, he gets mad because I get upset and say "You never have sex with me." And it's usually been like 2 days at the most. I should probably quit saying that, but it feels like forever. He says we have sex all the time, and more than most people do. And that when I get upset over it, it makes him not want it. I guess because I look desperate? I mean if I try to turn him on, he wants it, but I'm just not used to that. I never really had to try to turn people on. Plus when you take into the fact that I hate my body now, it's really hard. I mean I know how to be sexy. I used to dance, but I was also a lot skinnier and drunker.

I just wish he wanted me all the time, too. Why do you think he doesn't?

[Synnen]

Four to five times a week is MUCH more than most couples have.

YOU need to get counseling for yourself image.

You also need to back off. There's nothing that turns me off more than a needy, desperate, nagging partner.

You have sex plenty. What YOU need to work on is having sex because it's fun and a way to connect with your partner---NOT as an affirmation that your partner 'wants you" or "loves you" or "thinks you're attractive".

NOTHING is more attractive than when YOU think you are attractive.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes, people want sex for many reasons, some just love it. Others do it to fill a void where they don't feel good about their self or don't feel loved.

But 4 to 5 times a week is a lot more than normal for most people. Now nothing wrong with that but it is hard for many people to work, keep house and live a life and have sex every day

[aldepone]

Oh right

[Cat1864]

I read your question in the Addiction forum and I think you need to take into consideration that you both are going through major life changing events with trying to get sober and stay that way.

Your way to deal with the stresses of life including school and raising a toddler who is going through the terrible twos seems to be substituting sex for alcohol. That doesn't work and isn't any healthier for your self-esteem.

From your update on the other thread, I noticed that you are planning to go to 'meetings'. I agree that getting out and getting outside support will be good for you. I think counseling would also be a benefit.

[aldepone]

Yeah, we are going through a lot right now, and he has said before that stress affects his sex drive.

For the past week or so he always wants to 69. I mean that's great and all, but why doesn't he want to have sex with me?

Oh, and he's always done this, and I've always been way confused. We're like fooling around. Then he stops..? And a lot of the time, he has a hard on. I just don't get it.

And he's not spontaneous AT ALL. I just want him to like want me in the middle of the day and not be able to resist me. But that's very rare. I don't know what to do. It's way too predictable for me.

And I can't talk to him about this, because then I'll be nagging and desperate, which will make my problem worse.

I mean I know it's hard to be spontaneous because I have a 2 year old, but I don't mean we have to have sex, but he can at least let me know he wants me.

Is he just not attracted to me?

[Synnen]

/sigh

It's still about YOU, isn't it?

Is sex the ONLY way someone can show you that they "want" you in their lives?

I'm betting that a big part of it is that you DO have a 2 year old--and he's not willing to take the chance of another child right now. And stress DOES take a toll on sex drive.

Why does he have to want you in the middle of the day and not be able to resist you? What kind of fairy tale is THAT? Not being able to resist something isn't GOOD, honey. Having willpower and a sense of timing is a good thing. Why does it have to be like a movie, where he has to ravish you because he desires you RIGHT NOW?

You need to work on YOU. You need to discover self-confidence and a belief that you're desirable, WITHOUT depending on ANY man for that.

I REALLY think you're focusing on this too much. "spontaneous" means "whenever you feel like it, with no plans"---but ask any parent how often THAT happens.

[Cat1864]

I am sorry to say this, but you sound like a 17 year old girl who only knows about sex and love and relationships from romance books. I think like a lot of addicts you have not matured emotionally. You are still in the phase of expecting all of your self-esteem to come from other people. That isn't healthy for you or for your child to witness.

If your 'me first attitude' that you show here is any indication of your sex life, you might want to see how demanding you are in bed and if that is turning him off.

Attraction and lust are not love. No matter how much you try to convince yourself they are.

You said in the other thread that he was offering to help more with your child because you are feeling over-whelmed. That speaks more of love than wanting a quickie in the middle of the day.

[Gemini54]

Oh for heaven's sake! You need to start growing up and taking some responsibility for how you feel and how you react. This is nothing to do with sex, or how often you 'get' it.

Being in a relationship is about compromise and communication - it's not JUST about what YOU want. Clearly you've always done what you want - hence the drugs, alcohol and the 2 year old child.

I think the reason he 'doesn't want you all the time' is because he's coming off alcohol, he's tired of your demands and he's human. There is nothing more unattractive to a man than a woman who is demanding. It's nothing to do with your body - it's to do with your attitude.

Take a step back girl and look at yourself - not your body and whatever weight you may or may nor have gained - look at the way you deal with your needs, desires and impulses - you don't seem to have resilience or a capacity to deal with lack of stimulation.

Start getting some counselling or you will forever be unhappy trying fulfill your needs externally through other people rather than from within yourself.

[aldepone]

OK, finee