[solost8904]

And me and.. ex girlfriend.. dated for 5 years. We started dating when we were only 15 years old. Were both 20 now. She has always been somewhat insecure about things. She has never really trusted me which was annoying because I have NEVER cheated. Anyway about 2 months ago we almost broke up because I wanted to go to an amusement part with my friends and she got mad because she didn't trust what we would be doing. I feel like that was the end. Ever sense then I have just felt.. fed up with us. We almost broke up then but I decided not to just because we have been with each other for so long. But for the last 2 months I feel different about her. I have been falling out of love, finding her less attractive, not wanting to see her or talk to her. Well last night she brought it to my attention that I have been hurting her because I haven't been showing her love. And I told her how my feelings have been changing and I decided we should break up. Now this is where it just gets bad. All my live I have never met another person on this earth that was as much like me as her. We agree on almost everything, we have the same interests, same hobby's, and we had so much fun together. But the thing is.. at the end of our relationship I felt like she was more of a "best friend" than a "girlfriend". It burned my soul to tell her I have been falling out of love.. every second I remember her cry's, begging me to stay and that she will change... ;-( but I feel like she is to late. Like my mind has already made its self up, and decided to move on. But in the last 5 years.. I really have cut off all ties with my friends. I didn't mean for it to happen.. but I got along with my girlfriend SO much better than anyone else.. so of course I wanted to hang out with her instead of anyone else. But now we broke up.. I have no one to talk to. I have friends at work/school but we don't talk outside of that.. I'm starting to be unsure of weather or not it was a good idea to break up and honestly I just don't know. I feel like I should wait a month or 2 so I can have enough time to think about it. It absolutely kills me to think about how bad she is hurting right now.. but there is no way we can talk or be friends. After we broke up we talked on the phone talking about when went wrong.. actually did more crying than anything. We have never met anyone more like us in our 20 years on earth than each other.. and we want each other in each others lives but it just can't happen. I am just so lost right now especially with no one to talk to about it. So I just need advice.. what should I do? Should I wait a month or 2 and then see how I feel? We have been together 1/4 of my life.. and every day I miss her.. but I feel like I miss her as my best friend and not as my girlfriend. I'm just not sure if she's the one. I'm just so confused. Thank you to whoever has read to this point. I really really appreciate your time. Thanks

[Imabadman]

I personally think that you're right. You need to step back for a few months and evaluate what you had and where it's going. If she cares about you she would understand this and allow you time to reflect and reevaluate.

This is still a break-up though. So with that being said she's free to do as she will also. Real relationships don't have "breaks" buddy, they have breakups and reconciliations. Reconciliations don't alwas happen and don't always succeed.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

But in the last 5 years.. I really have cut off all ties with my friends. I didn't mean for it to happen.. but I got along with my girlfriend SO much better than anyone else.. so of course I wanted to hang out with her instead of anyone else. But now we broke up.. I have no one to talk to. I have friends at work/school but we don't talk outside of that.. I'm starting to be unsure of weather or not it was a good idea to break up and honestly I just don't know

This in itself is very unhealthy for you both, as we all need space to grow.

I think waiting a few months is the thing to do, and maybe you will both learn friends, and activities apart, is a good thing in a relationship..

[solost8904]

Thanks guys.. I miss her so much. But I feel like she was beginning to seem like more of a friend than a girlfriend. She's the best friend I have ever met in my life. 1 side of me wants to be back with her. 2nd half wants to move on NOW. I'm so torn. I can't stop thinking about how upset she was/is.

[talaniman]

Shrug your shoulders, and get your life back. Yeah, break ups suck, especially long ones, like you had, but that doesn't mean you won't have a better one when your ready. Heck, you may have a LOT of good ones coming. Heal first, there is no hurry.

[solost8904]

I'm just so confused. We haven't talked sense the break up about 5 days ago.. like half of me is saying She's THE ONE GET HER BACK! The other half of me is saying.. She's NOT THE ONE! How can I decide if she's the one for me? Like threw the day I feel like I'm bi-polar because during the day.. there are times where I miss her so much I just want to call and tell her I love her. But then there are times in the day where I don't even want to think about her. How do I know if she's the one? There is no other girl I have my eye on. At work or in class there are no girls that get my attention..

[bjohnrupp]

im just so confused. we havent talked sense the break up about 5 days ago.. like half of me is saying SHES THE ONE GET HER BACK! the other half of me is saying.. SHES NOT THE ONE!. how cna i decide if shes the one for me?? like threw the day i feel like im bi-polar because during the day.. there are times where i miss her so much i just want to call and tell her i love her. but then there are times in the day where i dont even want to think about her. how do i know if shes the one? there is no other girl i have my eye on. at work or in class there are no girls that get my attention..

Hey Solost- I'm glad I read your thread because I experienced the same thing as you years ago. Take my advice---do not go back to her. Tell her you two can be very good friends but that's it.

I wasted all my 20's because I was in the same predicament as you. I stayed and now years later I wished I didn't. Once you move to friends status the relationship is done and there's no getting it back.

You were so young when you met if you stayed with her and eventually got married you will regret it later on in life. I know you two love being with each other and you both blew off your friends so you could spend all your time together. Don't ever do that again. Youe gf/ex-gf sounds exactly like my ex. You need time apart and your own friends.

Once you isolate yourselves and don't have separate lives the relationship becomes stale/predictable and your partner takes the place of your friends so eventually she becomes just a friend.

You did the right thing by ending it. Go out and date other people but be there for her as a "friend' only. Hope this helps!

[Silverfoxkit]

I don't think that you will be able to know who or what is really right for you until you know you. You are going to have to find yourself as an individual. This is not a revelation or decision you can make in one day, or week, or even a month.

Of course its not going to be easy being separated from someone you just spent a fourth of your life with. It can be scary. It will absolutely hurt but it is something you are going to have to cope with in order to be happy in the end. It sounds like to me that she needs this same time to also find herself, whether she realizes it.

A person that is happy with themselves and by themselves makes for a happier relationship. If you know who you are and what you want then you don't have to be plagued by the doubts and fears that have been bothering you both so much. You don't feel the need to constantly cling or worry if you are more assure and happier with yourself, a problem that she especially has.

If you give it some time and let yourselves grow a little then if you do get back together you will find yourselves happier, and if you don't then you will have learned to cope.

[solost8904]

thanks man.. I appreciate your answers. The thing is I just don't want to date anyone else.. especially if I do decide its completely over.. I'm not going to want to date for a while. And every girl I work with/ have class with just are not my type.. =/ just so frickin confused. Its so hard now days finding a girl in college that isint obsessed with party's, myspace/facebook, and has some relationship experience.. I'm going to wait another week or 2.. I hope I just get a sign that said if she was the one or not.. because I just have NO idea. :(

[rockie100]

You stated what you were feeling in this relationship. If you were to return, those same feelings would also return. She would also have reason to think differently about you. You, and she, will find friends. This is a heathly aspect of life you were both missing.

[bjohnrupp]

thanks man.. i appreciate your answers. the thing is i just dont want to date anyone else.. especially if i do decide its completely over.. im not going to want to date for a while. and every girl i work with/ have class with just are not my type.. =/ just so frickin confused. its so hard now days finding a girl in college that isint obsessed with party's, myspace/facebook, and has some relationship experience.. im going to wait another week or 2.. i hope i just get a sign that said if she was the one or not.. because i just have NO idea. :(

Yeah I don't blame you when you said you don't want to date anyone else. My fiancé dumped me 2 months ago and I still have 0 desire to date anyone. I know what you mean when you say they're not your type- I'm real picky to and when you have a certain type there's not many around.

Being that I could tell you obviously still love her very much I would say give it some time- don't contact her and tell her not to contact you! In 1 or 2 months if you are missing her badly then get back with her and try one more time... but the important thing is for both of you to disappear from each others lives for now- this is the only way you'll know in the end.

[solost8904]

OK so its been like 5 days sense the break up (and sense we talked). Well last night she sent me an e-mail saying how she got the job she was trying to get, and that she misses me a lot. So should I send her an e-mail back? I know everyone believes in the NC rule's. And honestly I don't think I will respond. She doesn't understand the fact that I don't know if I love her or not. And if I send her an e-mail it will let her know I still care about and love her.. which I'm not sure if I love her.. but I do care for her. Any advice?

[bjohnrupp]

ok so its been like 5 days sense the break up (and sense we talked). well last night she sent me an e-mail saying how she got the job she was trying to get, and that she misses me alot. so should i send her an e-mail back? i know everyone believes in the NC rule's. and honestly i dont think i will respond. she doesnt understand the fact that i dont know if i love her or not. and if i send her an e-mail it will let her know i still care about and love her.. which im not sure if i love her.. but i do care for her. any advice?

Tell her that you miss her too and you care for her BUT you need time alone for a while to see how you feel from being apart from her

[solost8904]

Tell her that you miss her too and you care for her BUT you need time alone for a while to see how you feel from being apart from her

I was thinking about that.. but she's hoping we get back together right now. And I don't want to make her think we will because I just don't know.. I feel like if I say I miss her to, that she will hope even more we will get back together.. thanks for helping me threw this

[bjohnrupp]

i was thinking about that.. but shes hoping we get back together right now. and i dont want to make her think we will because i just dont know.. i feel like if i say i miss her to, that she will hope even more we will get back together.. thanks for helping me threw this

Hmm Good point... ok I think then you're only option is to be friendly with her still and answer her but I would just say "thanks" when she says she misses you. I don't think no contact is the best option right now. If she says "do you miss me?"- just say you don't know right now and you want space and her contacting you isn't helping things

[none12345]

Sometimes you don't know what you got till its gone.

[bjohnrupp]

Sometimes you dont know what you got till its gone.

Very true- that's why I told him they need to both take time alone and so he can see how he feels with her completely out of his life

[talaniman]

You don't want to give her false hope, do you?? There are enough post on this forum about people who after they get dumped wonder like hell what the ex means with every contact from them, and it tears them apart. Your on the other side of the coin, so why would you put her through that confusion? Leave her alone, so you both can have a chance to heal.

[emopunk7]

By not responding, you will be helping her in the long run. In a strange way, it is actually caring by not contacting her at this time.

[solost8904]

Ah man guys.. I have been missing her like crazy. She's all I think about.. and I'm starting to think deep down maybe I do love her. One of the things that was tearing us apart was that I'm a lot more mature than her. I'm going to be a police officer soon and I have always acted older than my age. Were both 20.. and I act like I'm 25-30.. but she acts like she's 15 still lol. Maybe if I give her a few months of NC.. she will finally grow up and mature. Over this summer I went to a military style police boot camp and I matured A LOT. It was very intense.. I feel like she hasn't had that "push" into adult hood? Anyway.. appreciate you all very much. My buddy of mine went threw something like this with his girlfriend, they broke up for about 3-4 months. Got back together.. and now there a lot more mature and have an even stronger relationship. The only thing is I don't know if I can go 3-4 months without her. This past 7 days.. have been unbearable. Every 24 hours feels like 24 days to me..