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Starry nights · Sep 17, 2009, 10:51 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

J-ELY i just went through the hole thread and re-read it paying special attention to your comments (and I invite you to do the same) i have to say i think you are just wearing this guy out,i actually feel sorry for him.you are very intellegent and have good arguments but good gosh girl let it go..take some time off from the issues to re-invent the relationship. ALSO
It seems to me you enjoy attacking him at night when he is tired and wants to sleep and i have to warn you that, that is a form of abuse,its a wear down tactic and is not healthy.chill out for awhile take things slower

Zippit--you have opened up a whole new thought process to J_ely's problem and its uncanny because it so resembles what my ex said when we broke up.According to him,I have this knack of getting a hang of people much faster than him,of having my feelings flow much faster than his.In a way,when I look back now,he must have felt a bit overwhelmed by me,you know,considering I've always prided myself on attacking problems,finding ways to solve them,communicate,analyse etc etc,do everything to sort things out.

J_ely,maybe,if you stepped back a bit as Zippit says and let go of this bug in you to fix things just now,it could give you both that much needed space from each other to figure out your next step.Cos,in any case,what you are doing's(talking,rationalising,arguing etc)not really helping.So,if you really want this to work,then don't push further in the same direction.Change your approach.Wait,watch,do some thinking,spend some ME time,allow some air in:)... You both have past baggage to clear on top of this and you both need to do it together.Before that,you both need to be on the same page where you actually WANT to save what's there between you two.As far as I can see,your partner's still not in the zone where he FEELS the need to SORT things out.Allow him to REALISE he has things at stake here,so he better get his act together,cut out all the defensive crap and be more open in communication.Let him WANT to take on some of the work in this relationship.

Starry nights · Sep 17, 2009, 11:18 PM

Originally Posted by Starry nights

Its so heartening to see this forum's regular people take so much effort in addressing the prioblems of someone in pain and confusion.Seriously,you guys and gals,you rock totally and I really thank my lucky stars I found you all out when I needed you the most.

But yes j_ely,theres a lot of thinking you need to do about this relationship you are in.If someone is forever coming back to you with shrink-talk about YOUR insecurities and not being able to DISCUSS issues maturely and instead acts DEFENSIVE and tries to make you feel GUILTY about trying to sort things out,then theres definitely a liot of ATTITUDE issues that need to be dealt with first.A lot of analysis,finding ways and means to get through to him,allowing him to come to you than you having to always take the lead and so on and so forth.Are you ready to take on so much stress in your relationship?Are you prepared to deal with his cheating ways,willing to give a LOT of TIME and PATIENCE to make this relationship work?

Thanks Mudweiser:)Though I wish I had the same sanity to save my own relationship 8 months back:)But maybe if I weren't heartbroken,I wouldn't have searched the internet and found this forum.So,more gains than losses,I would say:)

zippit · Sep 18, 2009, 04:55 PM

j-ely,
You.r very much welcome,it is a really good feeling to be gone for a few days and come back and read what I just read.Helping in here brings mutual gratification its why it works!

j_ely823 · Sep 28, 2009, 09:33 AM

Things aren't looking so good in terms of my relationship. I think there's a lot going on emotionally for us and I think its becoming overwhelming for him as he has a lot on his plate. I want him to be at peace, but I'm almost certain that right now, isn't the best time for us. I want to be with him so badly, and I would even go as far as to move out there to live with him and start a life w/ him. We need intensive relational therapy at this moment and neither of us have the means to do so. What should I say to him? He said he will hate me if I break up with him. Yet I know that I could never hate him. I will always love him and want him in my life. Help please?

J_9 · Sep 28, 2009, 09:41 AM

Is this a long distance relationship? Way too many details have been left out for any of us to give you a decent answer.

A4Effort · Sep 28, 2009, 10:15 AM

I think if both people in the relationship want to put effort into making the relationship work then don't leave him yet. Discuss this with him and see what he has to say.

Cat1864 · Sep 28, 2009, 10:27 AM

This is a continuation of a couple of other threads. I expect this one will be added to the others.

j_ely, I am going to review and see what thoughts and advice come to mind.

j_ely823 · Sep 28, 2009, 10:40 AM

Yes, It's a long distance for the past 9 months. We used to live together for like 5. Great with each other then; Almost no problems there.

I wish · Sep 28, 2009, 06:44 PM

Please keep all questions about the same issue in the same thread, so that we can follow your story and give you more appropriate advice.

I'm really sorry to say, but this relationship is extremely toxic and it needs to end, regardless of how harsh that sounds. You're just hurting yourself by sticking around. You don't have to continue to suffer like this.

Maybe you two should cool things down by taking a few steps back for a while to gain some perspective on this relationship. Then when you're more refreshed, you can see things more objectively.

j_ely823 · Oct 5, 2009, 09:38 PM

Is it so wrong for a person to still want to keep the lines of communication open with an ex. Recently there have been bombs the size of Texas going off in my relationship. There are just so many conflicts and things to resolve we are both overwhelmed so I opted for a break/ breaking up for the time being (he has a lot of food on his plate so to speak) and I have a lot of pressure as well, but mostly its directed at "me" making the relationship work. I can do it all on my own obviously. He retaliated and was enraged at my attempt to back out and present him with the opportunity to move on and do what is necessary--school and work.
I feel like I've just given up on this already and he's just pulling me along with him. Its not that I don't love him. Im just in over my head, and I prefer to have him in my life whether it be romantically or in the platonic sense. I can't bear to let him go completely as he has been my best friend, my confidant, everything that no one has ever been for me. So I resolve to stay in the relationship with weak knees and a teary eyes; things would probably be easier if I could somehow stop him from loving me and I the same. What should I say or do

emopunk7 · Oct 6, 2009, 12:32 AM

You are going to have to listen to your heart! Take some time to think!

kctiger · Oct 6, 2009, 05:37 AM

I think it is clear you need to get out of this relationship. It seems like it is ripping you apart. Love isn't always enough. It doesn't sound like you two are all that compatible. That is the point of dating, to find out. It isn't easy, but you just have to do what is best for you, regardless of your feelings. You can't just stay in a volatile situation just because you are scared to lose something.

I wish · Oct 6, 2009, 05:51 AM

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ke-395631.html

I'm guessing it's the same boyfriend?

If it is, this relationship is extremely toxic and you need to get out. Otherwise you're just torturing yourself.

DharmaSutra · Oct 6, 2009, 09:38 AM

Long-term long distance, and inablilty to emulate the same level of intimacy?

j_ely823 · Oct 14, 2009, 12:11 AM

My boyfriend and I were talking, and somehow the topic of my hair came up; first things first, I am african american and native american-usually I get confused with every race in existence besides white. Regardless, I do have nappyish/ more so curly hair. Usually right after I was it it is curly but, if I come it out its an afro. Anyway, my entire life I've been a little conscious about my hair as I grew up around latinos and caucasians with long hair either straight or curly or wavy. Only up until I began to befriend other black females such as myself did I feel comfortable about it and not so ashamed and embarrassed. Like most black females we been conditioned to think straight is the only way to go as it is most beautiful and what not. Well, Ive been watching Tyra and one of my best friends is black--she wears her hair all natural; she wears it well and people don't seem to think negatively about it. I want that freedom too. Washing, blow-drying, hot-combing and straightening all for it to sweat out in a few hours is tiring. Sometimes I want to braid it so I don't have to spend hours doing it. Recently Ive been thinking about just growing it out a few inches longer so I can wear it all natural, but my boyfriend says he prefers it straight and he likes it better that way. He is obviously not black so he doesn't understand the issue very well. It also upset me because it puts such a restraint on my hair versatility. He doesn't like when I braid my hair, but its like "dont you know" we braid it so it can grow instead of damaging it from daily endeavors. I feel like he only thinks I'm beautiful if my hair is straight and I don't like that. I want him to appreciate our cultural differences and not think I'm any less attractive than other women simply because my hair is not long and straight. What should I do? I don't want to perm, Ive had it before and it severely damaged my hair. Should I just wear wigs and weaves the entire time? I used to be comfortable with my hair around him, and now I definitely Im not. Any advice?

azif · Oct 14, 2009, 12:35 AM

Tell him what you've told us, explain how much effort it is. Try to reach a compromise.

britEl · Oct 14, 2009, 01:02 AM

Let him know how much you have to do and go through just for a couple hours of straight hair, if he doesn't understand, or at least try to understand it seems like he is only looking skin deep.

redhed35 · Oct 14, 2009, 01:46 AM

I have red wavy hair,its sometimes coarse and needs at lot of condition.

But I love it.

Your friend wears her hair with confidence, that's what you need,a little bit of hair confidence... wearing it straight or something something different for a special occasion is nice, but the hassel of styling every day is time consuming.

As far as your boyfriend is concerned, I bet he does not have to spend hours trying to sort out his hair!

Your head,your hair, if he wants a girl with long flowing locks tell him to call tyra banks,see how well he gets on!

jmjoseph · Oct 14, 2009, 02:05 AM

I think you should do whatever makes YOU happy.
If you want to experiment with your hair I would. If it ends up being easier, then stick with it.
If he loves you, then he would love you even bald.

shazamataz · Oct 14, 2009, 02:11 AM

The photo below is "fuzzy" she is a musician and TV presenter in Australia...

She is really popular and to be honest... pretty darn cool... ;)
What makes her "her" is her hair!
Make your hair a part of your personality, show it off don't be embarrassed by it!

If he has a problem with that then that is his problem, not yours.