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livereal · Sep 19, 2009, 04:37 AM

I broke up with my 3 years boyfriend two weeks ago. We had a wonderful relationship but he hurt me too many times during it and I just stopped thinking about our future and decided to finally end it since it would be unfair to be with him but wanting and hoping for someone else, someone better. We argued a lot, although chemistry was incredible, we couldn't talk things out and I let him go.

Since we've eachothers first long term serious relationship we decided to stay friends. I truly don't want to be with him anymore, I want to move on and date other people. Until I find someone I wouldn't mind sleeping with my ex which would make us friends with benefits. He is OK with that. But we're not doing it yet.

He texts me almost every day and asks me out. He says he'll always be there for me and he'll do anything I need. I'm not sure is he able to truly be my friend without hidden motives. I don't want him to interfere in my future relationships. I don't know if he really cares or just wants to keep me for himself.

amicon · Sep 19, 2009, 04:47 AM

You broke up with him for a reason.Why prolong the agony by becoming friends with benefits?You should be moving on with your life not going down memory lane with your ex.If he s not over you that's his problem to sort out not yours.

zippit · Sep 19, 2009, 04:48 AM

You are sending this guy mixed messages

And you are using sex as a way to control him and make him pay for hurting you

I hope he comes to his senses

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 04:50 AM

Its difficult to separate the emotions and feelings that surface when your in the 'friends with benefits' if you think about that term is misused... actually what it is,is a shag.. a masturbation tool...

Start no contact.. its the only way you will get perspective,and heal... how can you go meet someone and form a relationship if your still with your ex.. and that's what you are... and you are still together except not as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Its like emotional self harming every time you hook up...

You wanted out... go do that.

Get on and heal,if he wants a shag buddy let him find someone else.

A shag buddy is like dialing for a pizza,oh I fancy some 'sandra',oh I fancy cheese and tomato...

Your not the girlfriend now your just something on the menu.

livereal · Sep 19, 2009, 05:21 AM

How can I be hurting him with sex? He's a man! I'm not using him, if anybody is doing that, we're doing it equaly too each other. I don't want to hurt him for hurting me. He was a part of my life for 3 years and we can't just use NC.
I moved on, I want to be with other people. But I don't want to lose him as a friend. Having sex doesn't change anything if it's just sex.
And it is my problem too if he's not over me because what we have now won't work.

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 05:28 AM

How can you hurt him by having sex,because he's a man...

Men have feelings too! They also get emotionally attached..

What if he can't separate those feelings, if its just sex, anyone can fill that void,not just a guy you have a history with.

Neither of you will move on from the broken relationship if you continue having sex... has it gone from an act of love to an unemotional act,the outcome an orgasem and then.. thanks very much.. see you!

Why even bother?

What your doing IS hurting each other,and neither of you will move on until you start no contact and stop having sex together.

I wish · Sep 19, 2009, 05:35 AM

If you don't feel the same way about him anymore, then leave him alone. By talking to him, you're leading him on, which is giving him false hope and it's not fair to him.

Right now, it's better to leave each other alone so that you can recover from the breakup first. Furthermore, if you stay in touch, you're just dragging out the healing process and not allowing each other to move on with your lives.

Maybe you can be friends one day, but only after both of you have recovered from this experience and feel more objective about your feelings for each other.

Originally Posted by livereal

how can i be hurting him with sex? he's a man!

Do you think men are robots? Of course they have feelings too. Just look at the other users on this site and you will be surprised at how many men have been hurt by their ex gfs because of "false hope".

You sound really selfish for wanting to keep that physical intimacy, but not wanting that commitment. Do you not realize that it's giving him that false hope that you might get back together and that he might be putting his life on hold because of that false hope.

You don't feel the same way about him anymore, so leave him alone and let him move on with his life. It's not a good time to be friends now, because the two of you haven't really fully recovered from the break up. If you fully recovered, you wouldn't be thinking the same way about this possible friends with benefits arrangement.

If you two were meant to be friends, you will find each other again after you recovered from the breakup. Until then, leave each other alone so that you can actually recover from the breakup.

livereal · Sep 19, 2009, 05:35 AM

I understand but he's not being honest by saying he's OK with everything if it is really how you say it is.
I'm not the one who initiates contact. He is. If he wants it, it's his responsibility for his own feelings. He agreed to friendship and probably lied that's OK.

Now what? To just stop answering his calls? He came to my place when I didn't answer him a few days after the breakup saying he doesn't want to lose me completely and become strangers after everything.

I'm not the problem here as you may think.

I wish · Sep 19, 2009, 05:44 AM

That's the point. He's still calling you because he still has hope that he will get you back. Every time you pick up, it gives him more false hope. In which case, he will just continue to call.

You already told him that you don't feel the same way about him. You also claim that you've moved on, but he clearly hasn't. So help him get over you and stop giving him false hope.

Ignore him so that he can get the hint that you don't feel the same way about him anymore.

As for the "not wanting to loose him as a friend". Again, now's not the time to be friends. If you've already recovered from the break up, then good for you. But if you really still cared about his well-being, you would allow him to recover from the breakup as well. He won't loose you, because at at heart, you want to be friends in the future. I repeat again, let him heal from the breakup first, then you can start a friendship when all the leafover feelings have disappeared.

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 05:47 AM

You may not be the problem but your not saying NO when he comes calling..

You have to set the boundries.. you have to take control and be firm,he will get the message,but if you keep throwing him a bone,he'll keep chasing it.

What are you going to do if you meet someone you really like?

Will he understand?

Will he just disappear from you life?

YOU make the change and say NO.

zippit · Sep 19, 2009, 05:48 AM

So you made this friends with benefit deal with him
Then you said "we havent done it yet?"
And
"hes the one who initiates contact not me"
And you end it saying
"im not the proublem here"

See where we are coming from

livereal · Sep 19, 2009, 06:20 AM

Yeah now I see. I just didn't want to be rude by completely ignoring him. We had sex twice but stopped it since I felt he's making love, lots of kissing and eye contact, it was intense. I felt really bad for not being into it as much as him. I'm seen here as selfish but what I really wanted is let him go gently. I didn't quite realize I'm making it harder.

It's important for me too to keep him as a friend, he'a a great person. I would end a new relationship if my new boyfriend wouldn't aprove our friendship. By that of course I mean no sex and no romantic feelings on both sides.

redhed35 · Sep 19, 2009, 06:24 AM

You don't have to be rude,but you can't keep having sex just to be polite,that's taking good manners to far!

Sit him down and BREAK UP with him.

Be firm.

Your not really broken up,he will be hurt,but in the long run you will be doing him a favour.. and one day he will see that.

talaniman · Sep 19, 2009, 09:18 AM

As long as there is an emotional and physical attachment, he will never have a chance to heal. Not letting him heal is not being a friend to him, but being very cruel. If you care, you give him a chance to deal with the truth, and heal so he can be happy without you.

Or maybe that's all he wants is friends, AND benefits, but especially the benefits.