[PatBateman]

To those who are familiar with me, this has nothing to do with my ex or any girls that I dated briefly since, but rather this is a topic that I am pondering and hoping to get the members here to delve into some discussion.

I do not think a man and a woman are capable of being friends. Never have, never will.

I believe just about 99% of people out there confuse the word "friend" with the word "acquaintence". If we're talking about acquaintances, of course men and women can develop and care for such a relationship, but true friendship is another story.

True friendship requires a degree of closeness that will always threaten the purity of the intended friendship between the sexes. This necessity of closeness almost always results in romantic emotions being felt by one party or both parties, and always results in the termination of the friendship, and the beginning of a relationship, or the beginning of nothing, aka "we can't be friends anymore because you like me and I don't feel the same way about you..."

Sure, you can go out to eat with a woman occasionally, attend social gatherings, etc, but that's not friendship.

For those who disagree with me, ask yourselves who your best friend is, and what makes him or her your best friend. Chances are, your best friend is the same sex as you, and chances are, this is a person who knows all your deepest and darkest secrets, has been there for you at key times, and is a person who you share your thoughts with. You care about your best friend. If something happened to him or her, your life would change. Now, could you say the same about the 50 acquaintances you have whom you party with every weekend? Probably not. For those of you who say "my best friend is my wife" or "my best friend is my husband"... do you really believe that? Would you still be best friends if he/she cheated on you? After a divorce? After the romantic relationship dies for whatever reason? Or would you do the whole "no contact" thing and move on like many people here believe in?

So basically, because TRUE friendship requires such a deep connection, it's inevitable that opposite sexes will somehow inject a romance factor into it thereby altering the relationship, and thus I believe such a thing as being just friends is impossible. You either have a thing going on between the two of you, or you are simply acquaintances.

Discuss.

[imation]

Ah but here is an exception
My best friend is a girl. (im a guy if you didn't know)
We share our deepest darkest secrets, things we don't tell our partners we tell each other..
If there's a problem in a relationship then we are who we call on first...
There have been times when there were feelings felt, unrequited though they were. But we just said.. what are we doing? And snapped out of it...
We have something that even some couples don't have. Love.
I sincerely love her, but its not the kind of love we accociate with a partner...
I love her for she is my best friend and I can be completely and utterly myself in her presence...
So there it is, it is definitely possible to be best friends with the opposite sex, maybe you just haven't found someone genuine enough to be your best friend without thinking about something more

[valinors_sorrow]

I believe its all the same continuum. Acquaintance, friend, best friend, potential lover, lover, spouse. Where some of the opposite sex only make it to the first or second category, others have made it further and one made it all the way-- so I married him! Now what I call good friend, another man might like to call potential lover but I consider that his problem, not mine. If it interferes with our friendship, then he lost out due to his inability to temper his desire with reality and that is the key part to this question. I have and continue to be close friends with all sorts of men, including those who I have found very attractive. I am capable of managing myself so I don't feel compelled to act on this attraction inappropriately. If one does not learn to do this, then every committed relationship they are in is at risk for potential infidelity. I think it is part of emotional maturity to learn how to savor an attraction and not act on it from an honest understanding of reality.

[NeedKarma]

Yep, I have quite a few friends who are girls/women. Your definition of "acquaintance" would apply to all but your best friends. To me acquaintances are people you see very occasionally and are linked by one interest only. Your definition of friendship goes far too deep in my opinion.

[talaniman]

Val I love reading your posts as they are so well expressed. Had to spread it Yuck!
As to men with female friends, of course (me) Before I was married I had a number of female friends and we did fun things together and helped one another if need be, and it all boils down to being healthy, mature, and realistic. Respect for one another goes a long way in cementing these friendships, and respecting the boundries that being real sets. It wasn't about being lovers it was about love and respect, not sex at all as I would never do anything to disrespect my female friends. Amazingly when my wife was introduced to them SHE became good friends with them also so there was never any jealousy or resentments to work out so we all enjoyed going out and have fun and just lived. To this day they are valued friends of the family and we still enjoy each others company and their husbands are my friends as well. A little respect and keeping it real goes a long way and knowing your boundries and not crossing them. I hope you learn this one day and you'll find the quality of your life will be so enriched and fulfilling.

[K_3]

I have always had male friends that were as close as some of my female friends. It does depend on the individual. I have known men and women who cannot have a close friend of the opposite sex without it being sexual. That seems to be how their minds work. Those with that mindset will not be able to have close friends of the opposite sex. There are those that are friends because they enjoy each others company, and do love each other in a nonsexual way and will always be there for them.

I feel very fortunate that I did fall in love with my best friend. That does make it a wonderful life.

[shygrneyzs]

My best friend is a guy. We have been friends since 1974. We liked each other right away, something clicked and that bond was started. We were never romantic or sexual, although we discussed that possibility and decided that we valued our friendship over the potential physical intimacy. We overcame the typical mindset of the male/female relationship.

My friend, Rob, always has an ear and an open heart for me and I for him. It just is that way. We know each other's secrets and where the bodies are buried, so to speak. Even though we live 800 miles from each other and only get together once or twice a year, that bond erases the time and distance. He kids me about turning Republican and I tease him about staying a soft hearted liberal. Laughs. That is how we met in the first place - we both volunteered for Young Dems and were campaigning for the same candidate.

So I firmly believe that a male and a female can be best friends. If you are looking for a friend first, then you will find one. If you are looking for a sexual partner first, then you have already defined your relationship.

[Scleros]

Now... for a slightly opposite viewpoint...

I became friends with a girl in high school that I was incredibly attracted to. She had a boyfriend at the time, so I figured what the harm - can never have too many friends, right? The years wore on and my like became love, but I was mature! I could handle it! Yet, it was becoming increasingly difficult to filter out the feelings. She called me during exam week one semester in college to tell me she was getting married. I unraveled and flunked out of college. But, I didn't end the relationship because it just seemed too ridiculous a thing to lose a friend over. How could having a friend be a bad thing? And so, the years wore on... 6, 7, 8. Finally, one day she asked me who my ideal girl was. I indicated it was her. She snickered and told me I was a glutton for punishment. Our relationship ended shortly thereafter culminating in her changing her phone number. I didn't think I could miss her anymore than I was already missing her. I was wrong. I got really really depressed - oh the guilt. How could I have done this to a FRIEND! Finally ended up in bankruptcy because I was thinking about her all the time and not working. I still think about her daily to this day - twelve years later! (can u say super-chump?)

So no, I don't believe a man and a woman can be just friends. And if you think you are friends, you may not even be that.

[talaniman]

So no, I don't believe a man and a woman can be just friends. And if you think you are friends, you may not even be that.

If you find a problem with being a healthy mature human with respect for the opposite sex, as well as yourself, then just post and get help. Its not her trust me its YOU, but with help it can be overcome.

[LBP]

Tal is right... It's called being realistic. I have plenty of buddies with spectacular girl friends. I somehow manage to not fall in love with them...

[kristynn]

In my opinion, it's impossible!

In my case, it never happened...

[Scleros]

Its not her trust me its YOU, but with help it can be overcome.

It's me what? You seem to be wanting to allocate blame. There is no blame, merely outcome. Pat was soliciting opinions on the subject. My opinion is I will never attempt a friendship with a woman again. I don't view that as a problem, only a better understanding of my nature and possible eventualities.

[bp1875]

ah but here is an exception
my best friend is a girl. (im a guy if you didnt know)
we share our deepest darkest secrets, things we dont tell our partners we tell eachother..
if theres a problem in a relationship then we are who we call on first....
there have been times when there were feelings felt, unrequited though they were. but we jsut said.. what are we doing? and snapped out of it...
we have something that even some couples dont have. love.
i sincerely love her, but its not the kind of love we accociate with a partner...
i love her for she is my best friend and i can be completely and utterly myself in her presence....
so there it is, it is definately possible to be best friends with the opposite sex, maybe you just havent found someone genuine enough to be your best friend without thinking about something more

What you describe is very close to a friendship that I have. I am married and she has been with her boyfriend for almost 10 years. But... we share our souls, confide in each other, trust each other very much. It goes beyond a girlfriend, a wife, a partner, it probably defines what a soul mate would be or a friend that has become like our family. Our partners would not understand and don't but chemistry is chemistry, love and trust is earned, and to keep it real one has to put boundaries so that we respect our partners. It can be testing at times but I have never had a friend like her that I feel completely comfortable and honest with. And... when ever there is a critic that states that a Man and a Woman can not be friends then I have to believe that person is small minded and lacks the quality to have the power that we have. I will say that my friendship developed at the gym that we go to and there was a time we didn't really talk to each other until the ice was broken one day and I wouldn't even know how not to be her friend. We are tested all the time but you really need to keep grounded to make it work. All the power to you if you have a woman as a best friend.

[abc_abc_abc]

Only if you are not attracted to each other , otherwise it doesn't work. Man can't be just a friend if he likes her like a woman. So, if man doesn't find her attractive it can work. The same way if woman doesn't find him sexy etc.
Well, if it comes to sex it isn't a friendship in the meaning of this word.

It never worked with me. They always ask about friendship and some time later trying to get to your bed.