[whatsnext2009]

This is kind of long, haha.

Met a girl who lived about 90 miles from me around Jan. Started dating became exclusive hit it off well. I'm 24 she's 20. She still has a few years of school left, and I'm graduated and working full time. Only saw her on the weekends. We both made efforts to see each other, whether I went there for a night, she came over for a night, or we met in her hometown. We rarely got to spend all weekend together. Once school ended she moved back home. She worked a lot and took a course and her work schedule was so different each week it was hard to plan. Things went pretty well I met her family numerous times including some extended, as well as she has met mine. Throughout the relationship she seemed happy and if I ever asked her, she agreed. We did at times wish we were closer, but sometimes I thought it was best we weren't since during the week she has school anyway. So that would give her time for focus. Things were moving fast and we were getting serious. Not marriage or anything but just spending our free time together and numerous daily updates of what was going on. At about 3 months she said I love you.

She did have a serious ex-boyfriend, started in same town then long distance mostly like a flight away, for like 2 years when she was 17-19. Her parents didn’t like him because she would ditch school to fly and see him and fly places like that. So she would lie. Okay. Now with me, she didn’t want to lie to her parents so she rarely did, and we wouldn't do anything crazy like she did with her X. her parents liked me.

Around 4 months in the relationship summer she went cold one weekend and was being very distant. Toward the end of that weekend we talked on the phone and she said that she just wanted to hang out with her friends, since she didn't see them at all this summer, because the time she had off we would have plans. I just told her she should communicate that more. And then we moved on.

Now throughout the summer she only visited me about 3-4 times. I visited her a lot more, mostly for a day or for an evening and because her schedule stunk. We didn't really get a chance to spend ALL weekend together. We always talked about in the fall when school started then we could spend all weekend together and maybe a weekday trip here and there since she would have a car up there too. But she did say there were certain weekends that she couldn't hang out, which was fine. She wasn't the only reason to go up where she was in school and/or her hometown. I had tons of friends in both places, both mutual or not, that I would see on my trips too both with her and alone. So she knew if I came to see her and she had plans, she didn’t have to feel obligated to see me, since I had others I can easily go out with etc. So that was totally fine with me.

We talked numerous times during the day. Skype, voice, email, text, sometimes it was just to say hi and sometimes we actually had big things to talk about. But I know at times especially this past month it was a bit much. But we were both just going with the flow.

Around 5 months she did a surprise visit to me. That night I tried to look at her phone and she freaked out. She said she doesn't like anyone taking her phone. Whatever, I kept on the phone and then started looking through her messages, not what, but from who. A guy she dated briefly like 4 years ago who she knew since little, and was her first, was on there. (I didn't know it was her first until later). I know he likes her because she's told me this, but she said he randomly texts to go to to church or whatever. So no big deal, I don't care. I was pretty secure about the relationship and trusted her. The only reason I looked at her phone is because she always looked at mine. Mine was always with me, always sitting there, because I had to have it near me.

We had our 6 month anniversary and then shortly after she was being kind of weird. Over the phone she said she felt overwhelmed. (Because at 6 months I asked her what she thought. Since at 6 months u either want to be with the person, or u don't, u should know. Whenever we talked about future, she got very iffy. She almost never wanted to plan too far in a head, maybe no more than a month or so. Which whatever, fine.) So we got to talking and she said we should take a slight step back. She was overwhelmed with the texting and the emailing and phone calling. She said the I love you and I miss you and I want to be with you texts were too much and constant. I told her we've always talked multiple forms that since day 1, so I hope you haven't always felt this way. So she said let's just relax on talking as much, but she had to go. (she runs away from serious convos a lot with her excuses.) She said she'd call in an hour. I knew she had plans and things to do, I didn't hear from her until well into the night. She said that she felt we need to take a break. Stay together, but just take a break and see if she misses us, misses everything. Fine.
She calls me that next night to talk, and I talk like normal. Then she asks if she can call later and we can skype. We traded pictures from our recent trip and she acted happy. Towards the end of the skype I asked her so what's up. Finally she said she wants to be with me but she doesn't know about being in a relationship. Goodnight. I love you.

I guess I’m just here to vent. Throughout the relationship I noticed she would do her best to avoid any arguments. Especially in person, since we only had so much time together and she didn't want us to be fightting. We really never fought though. I’ve spent HOURS reading different stories, including 2 in the sticky, and I see every time someone says they need a break, there’s someone else in the picture. I am 99% sure that her first from the phone text is not a threat. Right now I think she was just overwhelmed with us and her free time was us, and it was constant. And now with school starting and her preparing for that, she will be busy the next 3-4 weekends. But that’s my 2 cents. I will update you soon, as I know she will call soon.

[Mikis]

Well it looks like she isn't sure about the commitment idea. She clearly likes you but seems afraid and uncertain about the future. It seems that she is actually overwhelmed with all the events. Remember she is still young. Her previous relationship that she embraced with such effort has really had an impact. The problem lies within her. She seems confused and wants to slow down and understand what she wants from life and where she's going. I would advise you to have a stress free talk about how she feels and what is troubling her. Let her know that you are there for her no matter what painful secrets she might reveal. Let her know that you are willing to listen and help her solve what ever is on her mind. Take it easy on the "I love so much" part cause this will make her feel uncomfortable. Just show her that you really care about her feelings and you do want her to be happy no matter how it will effect you because she is really thinking too much about how you feel and that makes her feel anxious and stops her from unfolding her troubles.
Good luck!

[whatsnext2009]

Thanks so much Mikis. She told me about her past relationship when I asked about it back in the beginning. I know that she didn't like how they were together a lot for like 5+ straight days at times. She knows I will be her for her and support her for anything.



Yesterday morning she calls me at work. I'm thinking ? She just wanted to say good morning and I told her I couldn't do this. I can't talk to you when you are thinking about breaking up. She said she had to go, (again, but I know she was getting to work), and would call me later.I said okay then let's finish this conversation tonight I hate dragging it. 2 hours later, an email, "how is your day going?". I didn't respond. At night she sent me a text saying goodnight. I said are you going to keep your word on what you said about calling me? So she calls me. We talk for about 40 minutes. First she tries to do small talk like we usually do how you doing etc, yadda yadda. She asks why I didn't respond to her email, I said no small talk. She asks, did you just delete it? Me thinking who flippin cares? She said the past few days she didn't know what she wanted. We talked via email durin those days about me coming up the first few weekends since she cannot come to me with her schedule. She was busy the next 4 weekends with moving in and work and school starting. She wanted a break because she felt that she didn't see her friends this past summer (I toldher that's not my fault as it takes 2, and plus her work schedule was absurd), the relationship was moving too fast and serious, originally distance wasn't an issue and now it is (which baffles me since I told her we could meet during the week if we miss each other, and if we were in the same city then things would be even more serious.. so she'd run away anyway, and she just said she wants to see if she misses us, so why is distance even relevant), we are both at different places in our lives. She did consider me one of her best friends a month ago, she loves talking to me as we can talk endless about anything, and in person the enjoyment we have is remarkable. She wanted to take a break, like 30 days, get settled in with school and see how we are, see if she misses me, everything, but she still wanted to talk daily. I told her she has 2 options. A) Work out our differences and stay together. B) break, that means breakup in my eyes, so no contact. She got mad that I would be willing to not talk to her and said something about our friendship. Well needless to say, we went break up.

I realize she's young, but for her age she was quite the mature girl. But
I guess I am confused on the reasons for break. Because they all just came down trickling and she didn't really talk to me about it in the past. Part of me says talk to her and be that great friend and supportive person, but the other side is telling me okkkkayy so I'm not going to give her the cookie and the steak. Or whatever that line is, haha.

If we were to get back together there would be some definite changes, and I'd make it clear that it's okay if we didn't see each other every weekend because she I know felt bothered that I wanted to hang out every weekend. And I know she wanted it to be a little different where she could be with her friends all weekend, and have more time to miss me. But part of me also realizes she doesn't need to see that person every weekend (even though we mostly have the past 6 months) is because her past serious relationship of 2 years she wouldn't see her ex for months, and I think she's in 'that mindset'. But again that's that small chance IF we get back together.

It is just confusing, because you love someone, and you say you're in love with them, yet you are willing to talk away from it and not even ATTEMPT to work on it? She said she's tried, but that was on her end, we didn't both work together on these issues since they were never brought up.

I don't expect a reunite with us, but I know I will be running into her in the next month or so at the bars.. So far I've kept no contact.

[whatsnext2009]

And by no contact I mean so far its been like 12 hours, ha.

[amicon]

Keep going.before you know it it ll be twelve days!:-)

[jmw0713]

Here are some of the things I see:

1. She doesn't know what she wants. This is bad. This shows that her interest in devoting time to you and your relationship is wanning fast.

2. Communication problems. She has problem adequately communicating how she feels to you and you have problems adequately communicating how you feel to her.

3. Distance. Distance always puts a major strain on a relationship. It makes it much, much harder to retain that physical intimacy and bond needed for a healthy relationship.

4. Age. She is still growing. You are too. You are both at different points in your lives. She is in the middle of her college life, you are at the end of your college life. You are about to take the next step with getting your career and working toward becoming established. She is still in college party mode. She wants to live it up and be free to explore all her options, while you want a relationship and commitment from her. It is not really anyone's fault that this has happened, but more than likely the age and timing in which you both entered this relationship wasn't right.

When a girl is in to you, I mean really in to you, she will do anything she can to spend time with you.

Now that you are broken-up, it's time for you to quit worrying about her, concentrate on graduating and your career, and start living your life and becoming successful. She is at a whole different point right now and is not ready to settle with one person. She is free and wants to explore and I think it is fair for her to do that, just like it is fair for you to go out and see what opportunities exist for you. She wants to spread her wings, you already have and are about to take off.

Go NC to make it easier on you both to move on. If you run into her at a bar, be cordial, pleasant, and polite. Sometime things just don't work out either because of all the external circumstances surrounding everything. Just know that neither of you are at fault, it's just the way it worked out.

[whatsnext2009]

Thanks JMW.

Actually I am already graduated, have an AWESOME job, and have my own company. Haha, those were such a turn on for her. She loved that I was goal orientated and had my head on straight.

But yeah now she definitely came to the I don't know what I want. I want to be with you, but I don't know if I want a relationship.

I do see what you mean by her wanting to be in college party mode. But she was like that spring semester, she would go out during the week, and then on weekends when I was there we would all go out, or she would come see me for a night where we would relax and do non alcoholic, mostly, activities. Part of me thinks she'll do that the first few weeks, then she could get partied out like she did all last semester and then realize she's missing what we had. But that's what we'd like to think right? At least that's how I'm seeing it.

When doing NC, how do you know if it is right to respond if she really sees that she wants us back and doesn't really care about the whole party scene as much, as last spring?

[jmw0713]

If she wants to get back with you will know. She will do anything to communicate that intention to you.

Until then, assume the worst and start getting yourself back into focus.

[whatsnext2009]

Understood. But where do you know when if she is trying to communicate just because she wants me to be a friend , as opposed to really wanting to get back together. The whole pie and piece thing

[talaniman]

You will know because she will tell you. Don't dwell on what she wants right now, just do for yourself, and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule - Do your own thing after a break up, and don't worry about someone else's thing.

[amicon]

Concentrate on YOU don't waste time worrying about her thoughts or actions.

[whatsnext2009]

Yeah. I have been. I went out last night, it was a good time. I started rekindling with old friends, have plans to meet out with them this weekend, including a few attractive ones, ha.

Just in the back of my mind I don't see her as walking away.

I dated a girl few years back that didn't want commitment, so I gave her the cold shoulder no contact. A week later she wrote me a long email saying how she wanted to be with me. Then poof. We were together. Ha but that was luck. Of course not together now but I learned from my mistakes, kind of, well, not really, since some mistakes I made again in this most recent relationship.. haha damn

[amicon]

We all make mistakes-we re human-hopefully we learn from our mistakes!:-)

[xadmin]

She has another person in mind. I went through this and it's similar. She has somebody she wants to experience dating with and she is not sure if sticking with you is a good idea

[whatsnext2009]

But on the trust we had and her talking about me with her rents its hard to see how it could be like someone else involved.

[whatsnext2009]

She just texted me. I no CONTACT !
If she wants me, I think I'll know, but her text was short, so psh

Miss memuch lol

[jmw0713]

Any contact from her will be meaningless. If she wants to get back together, which is highly unlikely, she will definitely let you know in another way besides a crappy text. Hell, if she texted you wanting you back, I wouldn't take that either. What a lazy way to attempt to convey your feelings to someone...

[whatsnext2009]

Yeah. It's funny to me because past few weeks if I asked her are you happy she would say, if I wasn't happy I wouldn't be with you.

Then it was like a light switch, poof, step back, no break for 30s, no breakup. Ha.

I'm disappointed it was a phone breakup, but hey, it shows about that person.

[talaniman]

I hate it when they push your buttons just to get a reaction. Any reaction will do.

[whatsnext2009]

She's back..

I was out on fri night, her friend saw me at bar time and texted her. She sent me a message saying hey when do you want to get your stuff. Then I talked to her and then sat we tlaked like we weren't broken up, I had her meet me early sun morning to talk. She said she didn't want to break up, she just was too overwhelmed and I put her in a situation of either being together or nothing and she became pressured to just make a decision.

We decided a few things will be changed, like the understanding that she was tired like the past 4 weeks because of her work schedule and on her open day we had plans so she couldn't just sleep in or relax. So hopefully things work out for the best.

She did say what upset her the most was that I refused to talk to her after we broke up and would avoid her attemps to contact.