[bella99]

I really do want to get over him - I hate this terrible feelng in my chest that I always have from worry about all of this. And its just not worth it - there are so many other people out there. So my mind is made up - just another thing to get my heart and emotions on board.

As for NC, I've basically mastered all forms of communication except Facebook - that is the final frontier, but I put some steps in motion so I don't have such easy access to his info. If I must, I will delete him if I seem to be slipping up. I know I'm only going to get upset if I look him up.

I'm debating on sending him an email that basically says, For my own peace of mind, I need to do my best to stay away from you for a little while. This is a small town, and I would appreciate it if when you see me out, you wouldn't come over to say hi, or maybe just go to a different area of the bar. If I see you, that's what I'm going to do. Maybe in a few months, I'll come up and say hi to you when I'm ready, but right now I need to spend time away from you.

What do you think? I think if I sent it to him, he would do his best to honor it. I know most of the things I get upset about aren't things that he is doing to me purposefully tyring to inflict pain on me. This is just such a small town, I know I'll end up seeing him out, and I'm going to leave if I do, but I don't want him to surprise me and come over to say hi until I'm ready.

Unfortunately, we have so many friend in common, there are a lot of parties and get togethers I might have to miss, but its for my own good. I might tell my friends I'd like to stay away from him as well, so that they tell me if he is coming over, or perhaps they will invite me over once in a while with out him.

I'm still going to keep staying busy - the gym tonight, kickball tomorrow, eagles game on Thursday, wedding this weekend. I'm working on building some friendships outside of my normal group. MBA Classes start again next week, so that should also keep my mind occupied.

Let me know if you have any thoughts. Thanks guys!

[kctiger]

I would suggest not sending an email to him. I just think any type of communication right now would cause more harm than good. Just keep busy as you are and you will get through this. All anyone can ask of you is to try your best to get over him and you are doing that. Give yourself credit and keep doing the things you are doing.

[bella99]

Ok - no email - maybe I'll just write the email I would have written in this forum and not send it. If he does come up to me in a bar or restaurant around here, I'll just politely ask him to refrain next time until I'm ready to be around him again. Sound like a plan?

[breakaway90]

Bella reading this thread is so weird for me because I was in the Same situation as you and it feels like you were writing my story. I live in a small town too and my ex and I come from the same group of friends. He acted the same way as your ex did- nice to me one day, horrible to me the next. I did the NC thing and broke when he came to me saying he still had feelings (which ended up being a lie). Breaking NC was the biggest mistake I could have ever made. The fact is that people change. And it's so hard to learn that and accept it, but it's just life.

I would definitely suggest that you don't send that email. Why even waste your time and energy on him? Don't give him the satisfaction that he is so amazing that you can't even bear for him to say hi to you. It seems to me from your previous posts that if you see him around there is a chance that he may not even approach you. My ex never does, when I'm around him now he acts like he doesn't even know me. But I have truly realized that I'm better than him- and it's time for you to realize that too!

You will get through this. I thought I never would, and I'm not even fully over everything yet. But I will tell you that NC has made me a million times happier, and I am no longer hoping for him to come back or trying to plan my future with him in it. There is a brighter future for the both of us! Stay strong and keep yourself busy, don't waste your time contacting him because it will only make everything harder for you. Keep moving forward.

[kctiger]

Don't make plans to make other plans. If you see him out act like the mature and smart woman you are, be polite but short and carry on your way.

I have all faith you will handle it the best way possible, but until then, don't worry about it. Also I would suggest writing the email but posting it here. Lots of people have done that on here and it works best for them.

[talaniman]

Dog gone rep system!! Good advice KC.

[jmw0713]

You can't let him continue to run your life. Just because he is at the same place you are, doesn't mean you have to keep running away and make changes. If you keep planning your life around him, you will always be wondering what he is doing and where he will be and live with the fear that you will see him. You have to take control of your life and live it how you want, with out the possibility of running in to him at certain places holding you back from doing so.

Don't let him hold you back...

[bella99]

Thanks guys! I appreciate the continued advice. I definitely know what I have to do (and not do). He gets no more time from me, If I run into him I'll worry about it then. Truthfully I'll probably worry about it before I go out each time, but I'll try not to. He is no better than I am - just because he got back into a relationship right away doesn't mean anything. It means I'm taking time to make sure I am better, so that my next relationship works out better.

I do miss him still, and it just stinks that things turn out the way they do. Avoiding someone you used to like to hang out with isn't fun and hard work, but just going to keep on trying. I definitely welcome any other encouraging words you may have :)

[kctiger]

As far as him getting into a relationship, I have yet to get into another relationship and it has been almost a year since my break up. I have dated, but no serious relationship yet. It isn't about me being ready it is merely about not settling on someone for sake of having a title. When the time is right you will know, but more importantly when the right person is there you will be ready.

[amicon]

One morning you ll wake up and you ll be completely over him.and all this will be in the past.

[paxe]

We all believe in you Bella. I have much more month of NC and healing ahead ofyou and I can truly say I feel wonderful! Life has never been as great as that, even when I was with my ex. There is tons of threads who started NC and feel much better. It's no magic, it's common sense.

One day you will feel truly happy about yourself and that's the secret of a successful and happy life. Don't worry about him, do whatever you planned to do and get on with your life. The more active you are, the faster you will heal.

[vanheart]

Bella,

That's so normal. Im going on almost 3 mo. Of NC.
Everyday is different. But staying strong through the pain and creeping feelings are maddening at times.

Its so hard to not wonder what ex's are doing, I still do that. But what Ive realized is those thoughts don't help me one bit.

These are in a way, your own residual memories. Hes actually gone now.

All of those thoughts are in a way your speculation. Your assumptions. Like its "easy for him. And honestly, who cares? Once you start caring more about what your truly feeling and doing for yourself, those will take a back seat.

But only with time and strength. Show yourself how strong you can be.

Plus, if you share friends, you should know who you true friends are. They should be happy to help you cut the drama.

[bella99]

So I was just talking to my friend at work just about lunch and stuff. She's friends with my entire group of mutual friends, but she understands my situation.

I asked her how the parties went this weekend (that I skipped due to my ex being there and the potential of his new girlfriend being there), and she wanted to know why I didn't go. I told her I didn't go because of him and she said she would have gone anyway since it was a going away party for my friend who s moving away for 2 years. I explained why I didn't go and she said well why does it bother you, and I said because I feel like I was replaced, and I wouldnt' have been able to stand seeing him with someone else - especially since I had only found out a few hours earlier. She said she would have gone anyway to see our friend, but I just doubt I could have handled it in any mature way - and I didn't want to mess up anyone's party. She asked me if I was going to avoid all the other parties I'd be invited to, and for now - yea I probably will if he is going to be there - eventually I'll go again.

She kind of got me upset because I guess it seems like I'm avoiding my friends because of this guy, but I just don't want to cause a scene or anything. I also don't feel like being hurt every time I go out - that's no fun. If I just see my exbf even with out his new girlfriend I'll probably get upset.

So, was I right to not go to the parties? Or should I have gone to say good bye to my friend? I'm trying to work it out with her so I can see her before she goes for a bit. She is doing a last hoorah on Thursday - I atuall have another commitment, but I told her I would be there if I could. I did ask her to let me know if my ex was there. If he was there alone I'd make an appearance for a few moments and avoid him. If he is there with the girl, I won't go - I don't want to create drama for everyone.

So, am I doing the right thing by avoiding them all? I'm only avoiding them if he is there - maybe they don't quite get it?

[kctiger]

I think you are doing the right thing, and your friends should understand. There is no point in causing more pain for yourself, so by avoiding it you are doing what is best for you, and that is all right.

[Jake2008]

I'm surprised your friend is so insensitive.

I don't think you should go to events where he'll be there, with or without, his new girlfriend.

For you to know ahead of time would mean your friends would have to speak to him and see if he's coming solo or not, and that puts them on the spot.

If you are invited to an event and he is going to be there, you either don't go, or take a chance that 'she' will be there as well.

With this being so fresh, my advice is to stick to your guns, and just lay low for now. Make alternate arrangements as you're trying to do, to say goodbye to the friend that is leaving for two years.

One other thing I wouldn't do is keep explaining myself. If you are asked why you didn't attend a certain event, just say that you weren't feeling well, or you had other plans. Anything you do say about the real reasons for your absence, will most likely be spread around to all your friends, and that will get back to the ex.

You will know when you can handle attending an event when the event itself, is more important than who is going to be there.

[bella99]

Thanks guys I defintely thought I did the right thing. After the next week or so events will die down with my friends - once summer is over everyone gets busy doing their own thing. Fewer BBQs and stuff. Yea I think I will just tell them I had other plans.

I honestly am not trying to avoid my friends - I think I just need to hang out with some different people for a while, and minimize contact with people we are mutual friends with.

I don't think my friend was tryig to be insensitve, I just don't think she realized how much it hurt me that he is dating someone new.

I need to calm down - go eat lunch - get out for a walk and then get back to work - hopefully cheer up.

[amicon]

Have you had your vacation yet? Sometimes going away for a week or two can be healing-new places-new faces.:-)

[overayear]

You know its always a lot easier for people to say what they would do when they aren't in the same situation as you. I get it all the time, but at the end of the day you know how you feel and should go by what you are feeling and not worry about what other people would or wouldn't do. Half of the time its because they have never felt what you felt or been where you have. If you didn't want to see him with his new girl then you shouldn't have to. End of story. Friends should understand.

[bella99]

Yea I definitely need a vacation! I think I'll take a week in October after my largest project for work is due.

I hate that I wake up and before I even wake up he is on my mind - anyone know how to stop that?? Or how to switch tracks when you can't get someone out of your mind. Mostly when I'm at work during the day since I should be doing work but I end up thinking about him. At night its not so bad because I can go out for a walk or to the gym or invite friends over.

I was listening to the radio this morning on my way to work, and "King of wishful thinking" by Go West came on. That is EXACTLY how I feel - I wish I didn't have to fool myself into not caring though :( Here are the lyrics for anyone who hasn't heard them:

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just 'cause you cut me to the bone
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me
We were never carved in stone
If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself..

I'll get over you.. I know I will
I'll pretend my ship's not sinking
And I'll tell myself I'm over you
'cause I'm the king of wishful thinking
I am the king of wishful thinking

I refuse to give in to my blues
That's not how it's going to be
And I deny the tears in my eyes
I don't want to let you see.. no
That you have made a hole in my heart
And now I've got to fool myself..

[amicon]

Bella its fake it till you make it.healing takes time but you re doing well.keep posting we re here.:-)