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regreting · Aug 3, 2009, 12:52 PM

My boyfriend and I have been dating for more than 4 years and I love him a lot.

Two years ago, however, I cheated on him. Because my boyfriend values loyalty a lot, and had made it clear from the beginning that if I ever had sex with anyone, he would break up with me. Hence, I decided to hide my unfaithfulness from him. I hid it for two years...

A month ago, while I was at church, my pastor told a story of a couple who had troubles with their marriage. I can't really remember the details, but the guy in the story decided to be honest with his wife about what happened before they were married. I took that as a sign, and decided to tell my boyfriend about what had happened two years ago. A week after I told him, he had to leave to another city to see his family. We haven't seen each other since then.

Throughout this month, we've talked about our relationship several times. At the end of the first week, he said he'll just use me if we stay together. I said that was fine with me. A week after that, he suggested that we should break up again because he can't forgive me and doesn't want to turn into a person who would treat me bad. Somehow, with a lot of sorries and I will change, I persuaded him to stay with me. Just this afternoon, which has been a month since I told him the truth, he told me we won't work out again. This time he just kept on saying sorry to whatever I said, and won't change his mind... So I kept on saying things like, I can't live without you... please don't abandon me... and I think that scared him instead of moving him. He finally said we won't break up, but told me not to not talk to him until we see each other again, which is another month later.

I am so scared... he's so firm on his decision I don't know what to do. Considering how much he's changed in just a month, I'm scared that if I wait another month, he might decide to never see me again...

Anyone with similar past experiences, please share with me... Or if you have a clue as to how he's feeling or what he's thinking... please let me know.

s_cianci · Aug 3, 2009, 01:00 PM

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, 2 years into this relationship, you cheated on him, after he firmly told you up-front that, if you did that, it'd be over. I don't honestly know what to tell you except to say learn from this mistake and move on with your life. Putting a guilt trip on him or trying to beg him to stay won't work and will likely lead to all the more anger and resentment. Even if you don't totally agree, the best thing for you to say is something to the effect of "I understand how you feel and you did warn me from the beginning that this would be grounds for killing the relationship. I truly am sorry for what I did. I was frightened to tell you but decided that I should be honest with you, regardless of the consequences. So if you want to break up I fully understand and accept your decision."

regreting · Aug 3, 2009, 01:09 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, 2 years into this relationship, you cheated on him, after he firmly told you up-front that, if you did that, it'd be over. I don't honestly know what to tell you except to say learn from this mistake and move on with your life. Putting a guilt trip on him or trying to beg him to stay won't work and will likely lead to all the more anger and resentment. Even if you don't totally agree, the best thing for you to say is something to the effect of "I understand how you feel and you did warn me from the beginning that this would be grounds for killing the relationship. I truly am sorry for what I did. I was frightened to tell you but decided that I should be honest with you, regardless of the consequences. So if you want to break up I fully understand and accept your decision."

So there is really nothing I can do to mend the relationship anymore..

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 01:30 PM

What bothers me is that he said he can't forgive you. That's pretty major in my book. Also major is that you knew he wanted 100% loyalty and yet you cheated on him. Sooooo, you cheated and he can't/won't forgive you. I suggest you stop contacting him and move on.

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 01:32 PM

I think you should give him whatever space he asks for, but you should also be willing to walk through fire for him. Does that make sense? I don't think you should simply say what s_cianci says because that doesn't sound very convincing and I would think you didn't give $hit.

You're at his mercy at this point.

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 01:34 PM

He's hurt deeply wondergirl. He can say that. It doesn't make him some kind of weirdo. Everyone can learn to forgive after time. What the hell would you expect him to say. "Ohhh, no problem, I love and forgive, but remember my rule... bye bye".

Be realistic.

regreting · Aug 3, 2009, 01:36 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

I think you should give him whatever space he asks for, but you should also be willing to walk through fire for him. Does that make sense? I don't think you should simply say what s_cianci says because that doesn't sound very convincing and I would think you didn't give $hit.

You're at his mercy at this point.

Thanks... Yeah I get what you mean... and so far I've tried my best to cooperate. But sometimes I wonder whether not seeing each other is the right thing to do. Doesn't that just make you give up a person more easily? Especially when he's feeling so betrayed and angry...

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 01:42 PM

Depends. For a time... maybe. However, I think if you want this to work, then you will fight for it. If you are already giving up (and you cheated) just to spare your feelings, then yeah, walk away.

regreting · Aug 3, 2009, 01:47 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Depends. For a time... maybe. However, I think if you want this to work, then you will fight for it. If you are already giving up (and you cheated) just to spare your feelings, then yeah, walk away.

Definitely not giving up... but I'm scared that my persistence, like s_ciani said, will stir up more anger and resentment. I really don't know what I should do anymore...

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 01:48 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Everyone can learn to forgive after time. Be realistic.

I am being realistic. So he will be able to forgive you after some time passes? Will he ever trust you again? Do you really want to be with someone who wonders where you are every time you leave the house? If he finally forgives you, it will all be nice again, just like it was before?

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 01:48 PM

Be patient not persistent. Be gracious, loving and kind. Don't push. Just love. Give him whatever space he needs.

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 01:50 PM

Tough!! Wondergirl. She's at his mercy right now. Time will tell if he can truly forgive her. If he can't, then at least you know you tried. However, saying I cheated and if you can't get over it were done is being a bi**h of epic proportions.

slapshot_oi · Aug 3, 2009, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

I'm sorry you're in this situation. But, 2 years into this relationship, you cheated on him, after he firmly told you up-front that, if you did that, it'd be over. I don't honestly know what to tell you except to say learn from this mistake and move on with your life. Putting a guilt trip on him or trying to beg him to stay won't work and will likely lead to all the more anger and resentment. Even if you don't totally agree, the best thing for you to say is something to the effect of "I understand how you feel and you did warn me from the beginning that this would be grounds for killing the relationship. I truly am sorry for what I did. I was frightened to tell you but decided that I should be honest with you, regardless of the consequences. So if you want to break up I fully understand and accept your decision."

This is the best advice on here because it's realistic, please take it.

Ya, you're situation sucks, but this is life. We make mistakes and we move on as hard as it is. You obviously feel remorse for what you've done, and the fact you only cheated once and never did again says a lot (to me anyway), so you've taken something away from this, but you can't change the way he now feels, nor can you blame him for the way he feels.

You don't want this relationship anymore, he said he will use you and he will, at least he's being honest with you.

Whether you want this to work or not is irrelevant, he won't forget this. Don't waste precious time fighting a losing battle.

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 01:53 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Tough!!!! wondergirl. She's at his mercy right now. Time will tell if he can truly forgive her. If he can't, then at least you know you tried. However, saying I cheated and if you can't get over it were done is being a bi**h of epic proportions.

I didn't say she should tell him "we're done." I told her NC -- stop with the crying and pleading and give him space to get over it, and meanwhile move on with her own life. If they get back together, great! If they don't, at least she would have made some progress on her own.

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 02:01 PM

I support NC in just about every instance. However, in cases where you cheated on someone and they need some time AAAANNNDD you want the relationship to work, you need to pay your dues. Where did I say "beg him and cry". All I have said, is give space. I'm sorry though, saying "I know I cheated and you don't like it, I respect your decision to leave" is limp advice. If I were him, I would think she was a spineless fish.

inertia · Aug 3, 2009, 02:07 PM

Sometimes "fighting for it" does work. Especially when you messed up. This is an example of when swallowing your pride is the thing to do.

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 02:31 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

Sometimes "fighting for it" does work. Especially when you messed up. This is an example of when swallowing your pride is the thing to do.

She said, "So I kept on saying things like, I can't live without you... please don't abandon me... and I think that scared him instead of moving him." "Fighting for it" hasn't worked so far, unless there's a more psychologically-advantageous way for her to "fight." What do you think she could do or say, other than what she has said and done so far?

s_cianci · Aug 3, 2009, 02:36 PM

Originally Posted by regreting

so there is really nothing i can do to mend the relationship anymore....?

Probably not. If I were in his shoes, it'd be over between us. I don't mean to be harsh but I simply wouldn't accept the idea of someone cheating on me 2 years into a relationship. Of course, I personally wouldn't let things drag on 2 years without taking things to a higher level as it is.

s_cianci · Aug 3, 2009, 02:40 PM

You're at his mercy at this point.

No, she's not "at his mercy" at all. She needs to take back her power just as he appears to be doing. She can and needs to make her own decision, regardless of what he wants or doesn't want. And I stand by my initial response that the mature decision for her to make is to accept his decision, learn from her mistake and move on with her life.

Wondergirl · Aug 3, 2009, 02:43 PM

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What do you think she could do or say, other than what she has said and done so far?

To answer my own question, she could change into Miss Susie Sunshine. Email or vm him with, "I just baked a batch of caramel brownies. Should I save some for you?" or "Do you remember the name of that (movie/book/graphic novel) we talked about a few weeks ago? I'm thinking of buying it." In other words, no crying and moaning and promising to be faithful forever, but just being normal and her usual cute self in her communications with him.