[chuff]

How far away are you from her? If it's close, I'd hit her up with one last email and say I am going to pick up my stuff on this date and this time.

Or make a list of what she has and take her to court over it.

Or write it off as lost and not worth the emotional game your going through. This is the option I'd be picking right now if at all possible.

[tree56]

I don't wish to see her again, that's why I don't go myself to pick my stuff up.

One solution I came up with, is to ask a friend of mine to visit her & ask for my stuff back (I will not warn her about this visit, I prefer to catch her off guard).

Can please somebody explain what's the reason she's keeping my stuff?

Is she so selfish that doesn't care to ship my things back?

Or is it that she can't accept our break up and tries to find new opportunities for us to communicate?

Or maybe is it that she wants to me to even beg for my stuff, just to see me getting humiliated one more time?

My God, I can't understand what games she's playing.

(and what about this Facebook crap she did just to make me jealous? Sometimes I feel like I want to visit her just to SLAP her for playing with me emotions, and then leave).

[chuff]

I don't wish to see her again, that's why I don't go myself to pick my stuff up.

One solution I came up with, is to ask a friend of mine to visit her & ask for my stuff back (I will not warn her about this visit, i prefer to catch her off guard).

Take that solution. Get this done and over with. Do it tomorrow if possible.

Can please somebody explain what's the reason she's keeping my stuff?

Is she so selfish that doesn't care to ship my things back?

Or is it that she can't accept our break up and tries to find new opportunities for us to communicate?

Or maybe is it that she wants to me to even beg for my stuff, just to see me getting humiliated one more time?

My God, I can't understand what games she's playing.

It's a combination of things. To F with you head, to make sure you beg, to make sure you keep thinking about her, to test to see if your man enough to go pick them up, to create opportunities to talk should she need a place to drop her issues. It's a host of problems she's got that she's giving you. Which is why, if the stuff has no value you should write it off. If it does, send you friend over and quick playing this game.

(and what about this Facebook crap she did just to make me jealous? sometimes I feel like I wanna visit her just to SLAP her for playing with me emotions, and then leave).

Won't lie, I've been there. It really bothers me to know end that you offer your emotions to a woman and they take advantage of you for it when you just try to move on. There is a huge problem with respecting the person they've been with even if it did not work out. But why are you looking at Facebook. Delete it. You are attempting to move her out of your life. Facebook is not going to help you.

[tree56]

Your answer was straight to the point. Now I know you can really understand how I feel.

Yes, my question is: Okay lady, we broke up. Okay, we cannot work things out between us. Why the f*#$ do you continue playing games? How wrong was I, to deserve such bad treatment from you?

You know what's the most weird thing? All those 7 years, I was always too damn sure about this lady she wouldn't never treat me like this, don't know where this confidence came from, I was just sure.. She would always make me feel confident, as if she would never dump me.. (of course, I never took advantage of this, I -too- was very caring, and she would always admit what a good person I was, how much I took care of her, and how much she loved me).

Okay, maybe she caught me off guard once, when she decided to break up.. But now, she caught me twice off guard, with her behaviour after our break up.. Never expected it...

[Homegirl 50]

Well I hope you get your stuff back. I would email her and tell her you are having someone come and pick it up. Don't play the same games she is playing.

Just so you know, when you apologize to someone, you don't add "but you did wrong too"
You say you're sorry for your actions and be done with it, other wise your apology is seen as disingenuous

[chuff]

Oh trust me. I know exactly where you are emotionally. I think sometimes this is why we see men snap after the relationship is over. Women think their funny playing emotional games because they understand them and men don't so the man can not relate to this. In many ways this is a form of emotional abuse.

I've told myself the same thing about ex's, they are to good or to nice or to mature to do anything to play games even if we broke up. Then the break up happens and the games begin. That is why I keep on stressing if this is stuff you don't need write it off. If it's a HDTV, while I'd get that. But if it's some books, some clothes, or a even a couple hundred dollars worth of stuff, forget it. It's not worth the emotional hell she's going to put you through. I look at it like this, If you stuff is just stuff (not family or sentimental possesions) and is valued at $300.00, you would pay that same amount just to start to heal. It's not worth that much in the grand scheme of things. You can get new clothes. You can replace some DVD's. It's better to replace it then hold on waiting. Look at what waiting has done for you this far. She's got you holding on for no reason other then emotional game play.

If it's that important, send your friend over with a list of what's yours. One reason I suggested court is because once she gets the letter from the court house telling her to show up she'll know the games are over and you aren't F-ing around with her anymore.

[tree56]

Don't quite agree.. I think I acted as a man, accepting whole responsibility of my own mistakes (not just "okay, i'm sorry".. I actually explained why I thought I did wrong, so she could understand that I meant it.. But I couldn't just leave her think that I was the only one who did mistakes, this would amplify her ego and think "too little, too late".. Anyway, this is not the point, different people apologize in different ways..

The point is: is it so common for women to act in such a revengeful way to their ex-BF? Even when their ex didn't do anything wrong? Why? That's what really hurts.. Her way of breaking-up did not respect my personality, nor my feelings.

[Syzygy]

The reason she is keeping her stuff is really only to her knowledge. However, I can hazard a guess in saying that she is keeping it because that is the last of you and she's holding on to it. Once you have your stuff back, you can completely sever ties with her and be gone from her life. I think she is trying to prevent you from escaping her.

Her new Facebook and her vengeful antics are just methods to try to get you to become jealous and beg for her to come back. I think she enjoys that kind of power over you - which is also why she said in her email that she would have given it a chance if you didn't mess up in the email. This just proves that she is trying to push everything onto you, and thus, gives her a sense of power over you.

What you need to do is get your things back ASAP. If you have to go in person, then go in person. This will not only show that you truly want to sever ties with her but that you're also mature and capable of doing things on your own. Her keeping your things and you allowing it up to this point just proves to her that she is in power. Please take the steps to getting your things back.

[kp2171]

Just so you know, when you apologize to someone, you don't add "but you did wrong too"
You say you're sorry for your actions and be done with it, other wise your apology is seen as disingenuous

Yeah... "im sorry you are an arsehole" isn't an apology... ;)

Look... nobody plans for the breakup. When it happens, it might be decent and respectful, or it might be napalm in the early AM... my experience is the person you are newly broken up with is nothing like the person you were dating not so long ago.

Hell... I know my head was so far up my arse after a major crash and burn that I couldn't tell night from day... and I was the sane one supposedly.

And don't make this screwed break up a "woman problem"... both genders can be idiotic... while there might be some common themes about male vs female the potential to be an arse is really universal.

Sucks to be you.

Man... I've been you too many times before. Been there. Done that. Sucks rocks.

[Ren6]

(extra info: from the day we broke up, she acts in a very immature way: the day we broke up, she opened a Facebook account -which I know she always hated this Facebook crap-, which she intentionally left unlocked, so I would be able to visit her profile and check her NEW pictures from the night she went out to the club with some NEW friends.. Obviously she didn't really want to go to the club, she always hated nightlife. She just did to make me jealous. How immature is she?)

Well, how immature are you that you're obsessively checking her Facebook like a teenager? Go to the courthouse and find out what you need to do to get an injunction to get your stuff back. Don't email her any longer, just get down to business.

[Romefalls19]

Ok, I've stayed out for awhile.

1. You both are immature and whiny.
2. Maybe she wants to try new things like clubs
3. You're kind of stalking with this Facebook stuff.

Get your stuff back, be a man and go over there with a police officer if need be and get it back. Just get it so you can move on, which part of me thinks you still won't even after she gives it to you. If it were me, I would have given up on getting my stuff and wrote it off as a lesson learned

[Homegirl 50]

Maybe she is going out to clubs with new friends because that is who she is. Could be she has discovered who she is.
At any rate, get a friend to pick up your stuff, if that does not work, get a court order and be done with it.

[tree56]

Ok everyone, thank you for your support.

BUT: how easy do you think it is for me to just move on? You say it's immature of me constantly checking her Facebook profile.. Ok, I know it sets me back.. But, it's natural, isn't? You've been through what I'm going now, don't say you never did what I'm doing now.

Do you think it's appropriate for me to give her a court notice? Shouldn't I try to get my stuff back my sending a friend of mine first?

The most important thing I want back is "the ring" I gave her when we got engaged.. It cost me 3K.. And just to give you some extra info: we are NOT American, we come from Western Europe, and according to our culture, when an engaged couple breaks up, the woman SHOULD give the man back the RING.. And this is a MUST.. Don't know if you do the same in the US, but that's what we do here in our country.. It's just common sense, it's a principle we are taught from our early years..

Hell, I want my ring back.

[Homegirl 50]

Then let her know you are having a friend pick it up and if she does not comply you will get a court order. She will know how serious you are then.
Stop looking at her page, its juvenile.

[Romefalls19]

In the US, it is custom to give the ring back, if she calls the engagement off. If he does, they usually keep it(read it somewhere). Dude, my ex still has A LOT of jewelry that I bought her, a ring, Tiffany's bracelet's, necklaces, diamond necklace along with tons of other stuff.

As for the facebook/myspace. Yes, I did it, but only until January 1st, then I made it my New Years resolution and never went back on during NC. To this day I rarely visit her page, no desire too.

[tree56]

Glad to hear that in the US is imperative for her to give back the ring! Same culture, same ideas. Straight to the point.

Romefalls, did you ever ask your ex to give you back the jewellery you bought for her?

You know, it's not that I want the ring back, just to give it to another woman if I ever get engaged again. Hell, no. I'll buy another ring for the next woman I'll get engaged to.

It's just that I don't want her to keep it 'cause she doesn't desrve it. She dumped for silly reasons, and now she gives me the impression that she keeps the ring just because of its high value. Doesn't she have any dignity left? She promised she would give it back.

[Romefalls19]

Yep, several times I asked for it. She still wears some of the jewelry to this day

[tree56]

Oh God.. Why didn't you ever go with the 'court'-solution?

[chuff]

If she isn't committing to the marriage that ring is yours. What is your court system like? Here in the US we can take her to small claims court for that ring. Or you can speed things up and send your friend over today.

Facebook stuff, yes I've done. But it sets you back and is not healthy which is why we are telling you not to do it. You are correct, we have been where you... we also know how to get out and away from it which is what we are trying to impress upon you.

If she's not going to cooperate use every legal avenue possible. She's playing games and thinks you don't have it in you to get serious and stand up for yourself so she keeps toying with you. Why don't you win this last one and show her she has no idea who she is dealing with and get serious about it. Go over with a cop and get it (if they do that where you are at) or take her to court. The relationship is over at this point, you've got nothing left to put up with this for anymore.

[Romefalls19]

I just wrote it off as a lesson learned. A hard pill to swallow but it was better than reopening wounds