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nerak · May 25, 2009, 05:32 PM

Hi,

I have a baby mother, she is still in love with me and I do not want her. I just want to take care of my child. I have a good career support my child fully but she uses my child as a pawn the get to me. I am tired of her taking advantage of me because she knows I love my child and my child in under 5 yrs old. How do I deal with such a person who does not take no for an answer and argues about everything?

Troubled young man

N0help4u · May 25, 2009, 05:40 PM

Do you pay child support through a court order or are you just paying her with no order?
Do you have a custody/visitation order?

If you don't get them because then you have something to back you up rather than her doing and wanting what SHE feels like when SHE feels like it.

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 05:40 PM

Get it all in writing, do you have a court ordered child support, court ordered visits, set up for all exchanges in vists to happen in a public place ** the court can order this, a police station or fire house or though another location.

Then follow though with what the court orders exactly

nerak · May 25, 2009, 05:52 PM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Do you pay child support through a court order or are you just paying her with no order?
Do you have a custody/visitation order?

If you don't get them because then you have something to back you up rather than her doing and wanting what SHE feels like when SHE feels like it.

Yes, I pay for everything for my child including vacations. When I call my child the mother decides when to answer the phone and tries to tell me what to do with my life. I do not have a court order but I have contacted 2 lawyers and I am rounding up all my information including back reports to show deposits to my child's account etc.

She always try to call and lure me into arguments that make no sense and keeps my child from my parents. We do not live in the same island. She takes advantage of that to tell me I am a bad father because I live far away. I make sure I take care of her and my child since if she is OK my child will be. But I am getting a bad name from her because she can't have me and she has tried to chase every woman who is interested in me away from me sighting that I cannot speak to my child if I am in the company of any woman. My parents speak to her and try to tell her to move on she gets close to my friends and tries to give me a bad name which of course does not work since my friends know who I am and what I do for them both.

I do not necessarily want custody. I just want to keep boing in my child's life and keep taking care of her to ensure that she grows up in the healthiest possible environment.

Thank you for your comments. I never thought I would have ever used a forum like this. It only goes to show how desperate I am for help.

Thanks

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 06:14 PM

You are not getting it, we did not say you had to fight for custody, but there has to be a custody order in place from the court,
It can rule out when you can see the child and how the exchange is done.
It also says what you pay for.

You are leting the drama happen by being part of it,

nerak · May 25, 2009, 06:20 PM

Thank you,

You are so right and that is the advice I have been getting. God knows and I have prayed that I did not have to go down this road to ever go to a court. I just wish was willing to cooperate with me. Especially when she knows that my child has such a strong support system in my family.

N0help4u · May 26, 2009, 10:36 AM

Yes you need to get the court orders
Simply file for joint custody/visitation and an order for what the court requires you to pay for support.
This way when she wants more money out of you you can point to the court order and simply say this is what I am required to pay and you know I have already paid and even gave you more than that.

You need to do this asap and take ALL proof of everything you have paid so far including the vacations because from what I understand the court can get you for back support if you haven't had an order. With the proof/receipts the Judge can see you haven't been being a dead beat dad and go easier on you.

Gemini54 · May 27, 2009, 01:26 AM

It's really hard but you will have to go down the legal path to be able to see your child when you want.

Remember that your child's mother is using the child as a pawn to get your attention and hurt you. Don't participate in the drama. Don't fight with her, she will just feed on it and then use it against you.

Once you have the court orders, things will be easier. It will take time and you will have to be patient and learn how to handle your ex as dispassionately as possible.

Remember that you're doing it for your child and the Courts will support you.

zippit · May 27, 2009, 02:31 AM

If the child is only 5 then I take it the divorce is fairly new,if you do what everyone is saying hopefully in time she'll see that you'r doing what's best,but don't think that you have to keep her financially stable you'r obligation is to the child if she is on the struggle or not as long as she is a fit mother your child's rearing won't be damaged you have a lot ahead of you and she's really going to flip the script when you do find someone you want to settle down with

dontknownuthin · May 28, 2009, 02:47 PM

Get a very clear court order stipulating how things will be managed including how support is provided, what dates you will see your child, and so on. Set up a policy for phone conversations with your child - hours you can call, the expectation she will put him on the phone and that she will not play gatekeeper for your calls.

And be firm, kind and consistent with her, "Kim, I respect you and value you as David's mother but there is no possibility for a relationship between you and I except as David's parents. I want us to be able to be friends for his sake, and to work together as parents, but that is all." Repeat the same message every time it's a problem with her.

nerak · May 28, 2009, 06:52 PM

I have said all that to her. We are not married, I tried to show her that arguing takes us no where and it does not benefit our daughter. God knows it hurts that I have to consider court. I do not need power or anything, I am trying now to ignore her. She keeps saying I do not call but I always do and she chooses when to answer the phone and takes the time to rant and curse me. Yet I still fully support my child. I get all of this because I cannot be with her. At times I am lead to believe that she has a mental problem. She was in a marriage before and had kids and her ex-husband now has custody of them. As a young man I should have listened to my parents. I am a good person who is well respected and she tries to smear my name. Everyone tells me that I should not be negative with her. I have in the past but I have no strength for fighting now. I just want to be a dad to my baby who loves me and my family so much. My friends tell me to ignore her and one day she will stop. I try that but maybe I am not trying hard

Jake2008 · May 29, 2009, 04:59 AM

You have to set some boundaries here. I think it's pretty clear that you can expect more of the same behaviour from her, not less, and that she will likely be essentially the same person as you child grows up. It is possible that she may never let go of her attitude toward you, and continue to make your life miserable, IF you let her.

Until you have legal visitation and child support matters in place, you will have to make visitation arrangements with her directly.

Once you have taken care of legal matters, you have legal means to ensure access to your child, without having to take the abuse from her.

You can only do the best you can, and by taking care of business, you will be ensuring a relationship with your child, not her.

Gemini54 · May 30, 2009, 07:51 PM

Originally Posted by nerak

I have said all that to her. We are not married, I tried to show her that arguing takes us no where and it does not benefit our daughter. God knows it hurts that I have to consider court. I do not need power or anything, I am trying now to ignore her. She keeps saying I do not call but I always do and she chooses when to answer the phone and takes the time to rant and curse me. Yet I still fully support my child. I get all of this because I cannot be with her. At times I am lead to believe that she has a mental problem. She was in a marriage before and had kids and her ex-husband now has custody of them. As a young man I should have listened to my parents. I am a good person who is well respected and she tries to smear my name. Everyone tells me that I should not be negative with her. I have in the past but I have no strength for fighting now. I just want to be a dad to my baby who loves me and my family soo much. My friends tell me to ignore her and one day she will stop. I try that but maybe I am not trying hard

Just as an aside, I do keep referring to this website, but you may find something on it that assists you, as it deals with the effect on men of behavior like you're describing. "Shrink4Men" is the website. Your strategy should not be about ignoring her, but informing yourself about what drives her urge to control you through the child, and putting in strategies to deal with it. Once you feel more informed and you've created some boundaries with her, you'll feel less helpless and more empowered.