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toobs · May 13, 2009, 02:33 PM

Here is the long and the short of it. Help me if you can?

I have been dating her for 8 months or so. The relationship has had some ups and downs. I admittely have some trust issues with her-some she says are warranted some not- that have resulted in her having trust issues with me. I know jealousy is an ugly thing, but we recently had a discussion about how this was going to change. She went to NY with her friends recently and called me at 345 before she went to bed. As she was hanging up she left her phone on and I heard someone say come back to our hotel room we have a huge bed. I questioned her, mabye even accused her of some shady stuff. Turns out she let me listen to the rest of the conversation in the cab and it was her best friend from college and a girl she was at the concert with. I absolutely believed her. But, my mistrust spurned a huge argument and we didn't talk for the rest of the weekend. When she came home on Sunday night she called me over to help her get into her room because it was locked and she couldn't get in. I obliged and she asked me to spend the night. The follwing evening we had "the talk". She said that she thought she needed some space. I pleaded a little bit, but agreed to disagree and she was on her way. After she left she tried calling me once, I didn't awnser. Then she texted something like this: "I hope you know I love you very much. I hope that in a few weeks we can sit in front of eachother two changed people with the same feelings if that is what is meant to be. I KNOW THAT I HAVE SAID IN THE PAST THEN WHEN IT'S OVER, IT'S OVER. BUT I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS ABOUT ANYONE BEFORE" I love you and this is very very hard. But I think that we need this time to make the necessary changes. The hardest roads always yield the best results"
I didn't respond. The following night she called me around 1130 asking to come over. I did and the next morning was really weird. We spoke later that night and I expressed how I thought it was a bad idea and she agreed. I asked her not to call, text, or email me. She said fine and we hung up. I let it go until Sunday night and broke down a little bit and left a note on her door which stated that I agreed that we needed the space and that I respected her feelings more then she could ever imagine. She texted me back saying that she got it and really appreciated it and hoped I was doing well. We have not spoken since and it is 4 days later. I do not plan on contacting her. THE QUESTION IS: IS SHE LETTING ME DOWN EASY OR IS SHE REALLY INTO MAKING THIS WORK OUT? Thanks

inertia · May 13, 2009, 02:37 PM

The trust isn't there. The relationship cannot succeed. She knows this and you do too. Why don't you trust her?

toobs · May 13, 2009, 02:45 PM

Originally Posted by inertia

The trust isn't there. The relationship cannot succeed. She knows this and you do too. Why don't you trust her?

At the beginning of our relationship she told me that she had only loved someone once before and it's something that she was going to have to address at some point. He had planned a trip to visit her from Europe. She said that she tried to get him not to come, but he was coming anyway. She assured me that he wouldn't stay with her. Well it just so happened that I was out of town for work and she decided to let him stay at her place. She didn't contact me at all really. Then when I asked her what her plans were for the weekend she said she was going to take care of things with him and see him off to get closure. I asked her if anything happened, which I knew did and she told me that nothing had. Then I pressed a little later on and she told me that he had slept in her bed but nothing had happened. I accepted this as bull but still decided to move on because she had told me that he was coming. I should have let it go. However, our realationship blossomed from there. But I always asked ?'s that I hadn't before. I know I pushed her away.

inertia · May 13, 2009, 02:48 PM

You didn't push. She did. Let this relationship die man. She's still pining for her ex. Your relationship blossomed while he was gone. Sounds like you were a nice band aid for her. Don't beat yourself up. She sounds like a user.

toobs · May 13, 2009, 02:52 PM

See that's the thing. He is long gone living over sea's. She ended that chapter I am sure of it. I'm just wondering what I need to do to. Keep no contact or reach out and ask her what's going on in her head? The way things have been, I want it like that. We just hit another rough patch. So bottom line. No contact- or contact? I'm just scared she's gone for good you know?

inertia · May 13, 2009, 02:57 PM

You should be gone for good man. If I was with a girl who's "love of her life" was in Europe and occasionally made visits to the US to sleep with and visit her, I would walk away. He has become an idealized world traveling romance story for her. Lot's of women love those (think "Legends of the Fall"). Do you really want to be the "other guy" that settles down and marries her while she daydreams of her true love? Cut contact completely and become a mystery to her as well.

toobs · May 13, 2009, 03:04 PM

Good looking out. I have. I plan on keeping it that way. Just hard because she waffled back and forth by coming back to me twice without me begging or asking whatsoever. I find this as confusion. But I do think that she has never loved anyone like me before. She told me that I have given her the highest highs and the lowest lows. That is why she needs space. This girl is very very cerebral. Thinks everything through. Very smart, speaks multiple languages. So I'm just wondering why if she's always been no BS, why she would start now? I would imagine that she would just cut it off. I know I'm stretching it. But I guess all I have is hope right now. I realize that we had lows but the highs have me stoked on the chance of getting her back. Even though I realize it is a long long shot.

inertia · May 13, 2009, 09:22 PM

Yeah, the smart ones are always the most confusing. You learn to trust their intelligence and when they become confused it is hard to take. I don't let the confusion card get played man. In baseball, when you balk the batter walks. Pitchers learn that indeliberate mistakes can cost you a run. People sometimes need to learn it too.