[BimmerGuy]

Hey All!

I’ve been all over this forum and it has easily been one of the best resources I’ve ever found. Matteus’ “17 Points”, Ash123’s Break-up Survival 101 to Talaniman’s numerous and insightful post have all helped me through my current situation. It is good to know that I’m not the only one out there going through some stuff. So to begin, thank you already!

After reading through a number of the posts I still haven’t come across one that has given me the insight I’m looking for, although I know I may never find it. I will caution you that this is a LONG read but has a lot in it on my situation. If you read any of it then I really appreciate it! If you want to get to the "question" of this whole post go down to the bold line in the middle...

I met my now exgirlfriend roughly 5 years ago while in college. We had a class together and immediately became great friends. I’d often turn to her for female advice and we’d always have a good time. She had a boyfriend at a school she had transferred from but wasn’t totally happy with her relationship nor some other things (she’d transferred was living off campus, not many local friends, etc). Fast forward a year and a half her and I had another class together and always sat next to each other, studied together, etc. Well one night I asked her to dinner and myself, her and her cousin all went out. Nothing big at all just a few drinks and talking. Long story short this got around to her boyfriend and she was really down about it. So a few nights later I asked her over to talk about it and we ended up kissing, staying up the whole night together (nothing physical) and really had a connection. From that night forward we started dating and pretty much immediately started living with each other.

So skipping forward a bit more our relationship was awesome! I grew personally through some other family stuff, she immediately came out of her depression (remember few friends, tough time, etc.) and fell in love. She took up running and working out, I got more involved with school, applied and got into med school and work and life was great. We helped each other and were overall each other’s best friends. I met her family and they immediately fell in love with me as did I with them. The whole extended family loved me, I went on family trips, etc. I’ve already been told I was “part of the family.” Her sister looked up to me, her brother and I got along great. We got a dog together who we both loved and were really pretty tight.

We had a rough spot a year into our relationship where I got busy with some stuff, wasn’t giving her the attention she needed and she asked for space feeling out things with some other guy she worked with. A week later we were back together, fresh, etc. We moved forward, graduated and then I started working full time with her attending medical school at the same place she graduated. She got her own apartment, I bought a house right out of college (we each need our own spaces), we got another dog and really enjoyed the past year. We went out with her friends, with my friends, she studied, I worked, etc.

Unfortunately the past two months have been pretty rough on us both. When she started school this year things were a little different. She was studying what seemed to be like 120% of the time to the point where she was carrying a book and notes in her bag, we saw a little less of each other and we barely ever went out. I always asked her about going out and her friends, whether she wanted to get a movie, etc but she never really could. This was tough since we were both pretty much living together too. I spent MAYBE 2 days a month at my house. She also got upset if I did anything “active” with friends but wouldn’t run with her even though I asked her to go rock climbing, play tennis, etc.

Beginning in Sept she started to get indifferent. Around our 3 year anniversary she didn’t act like much (even though I bought her a VERY nice bracelet and earrings and tried to go out to dinner). In the mornings she would kiss me goodbye less and less and would start saying things like “I know we’ve been together for 3 years but you haven’t won me, yet” and she became really concerned about her body (why I don’t know but 5’7” blue eyes, blonde, GREAT figure and a size 4 while being in shape from running and small triathalons isn’t something to be concerned about). We talked and she said she didn’t feel like we were as close and she was stressed. We made some changes and all seemed to be good and getting better. For the most part I tried to stay out of her way letting her study and have her time but we drifted a bit.

For the past two years we’ve talked about getting married and she would ask me all the time if I wanted to marry her to which I replied “of course.” I started saving up and was ready to pop the questions this spring. We were taking our time with my work and her studies but it was on the books. About 2 months before we broke up we looked at rings online and she picked out the ones she liked and when in the mall she’d ask me if I wanted to go look at rings at the jewelers. Things were GREAT! She later said this was her “defense mechanism” that she used to try to make herself feel better about the future…

So the outcome of all of this is that roughly a month ago my girlfriend of 3 years asked for some space and wanted to step back from things. She was RIDICULOUSLY stressed with major exams coming up, her grandmother being put in the hospital (close family), all her friends coming to her with their problems but she didn’t want to burden anybody else, etc. I also was about to embark on 5 weeks on travel (4-7 days at a time to various places) and she was stressed with our relationship.

On the day I was coming home from my first trip she called and told me she loved me, needed to have a break, etc. I grabbed an earlier flight back, she picked me up and we talked about it. She said that she wasn’t happy, felt too much stress, and didn’t know if things could work for her. She kept saying that she tried to tell me but hadn’t gotten through and she wanted to find what made her happy, she needed time for some other things. My initial reaction wasn’t the best (logical and emotional) but after a few days I told her I understood and would be there if she needed me.

*******************************

So NOW here is what is killing me. She told me she wanted “space.” I gave it to her but no longer than 2 days after she messages me on Facebook asking me how I was doing and thanking me for the flowers I had sent 5 days prior but told her not to worry about them. She made a point to thank me and tell me they were beautiful. I said fine and we had a small conversation. This continued a few times and she would message me every now and then. I get back from a trip for thanksgiving, throw some pics up on Facebook and within 30 minutes she calls me. She asks about a $5 cable for her computer and I said I didn’t have it. We talked for like 15 minutes about Thanksgiving, family, etc. and had a good conversation. I told her I’d check with our IT guy for a cable. The next day I got the cable took it to her, she invited me in for a minute, we talked about casual stuff, I began to walk out and then turned around and ask “why are you messaging me, getting in touch with me, etc.” she responded that she knew and that we should “chill out with all of it.” Keep in mind I NEVER initiated it.

I say fine, you need space you have it. Not rude or anything just matter of factly. So I leave for another business trip, told myself NC is the way to go and began getting on with stuff. I was doing GREAT, meeting people, enjoying myself and new hobbies (running, getting back into cars, etc.) and what do you know, 3 days later after tell me we needed to “chill” she messages me on Facebook AGAIN! I oblige she asks me about my trip, tells me she is struggling with things (exams, family, etc.). I try to console her and tell her she will do great, etc, etc. She tells me to “have some fun for her” and we leave it at that. So that night I write her a brief email saying that if she needs anything pride, confusion, frustration aside I’m here for her (she reached out to me on Facebook, I know her). A couple days later she messages me on FB AGAIN apologizing for not getting back to me, thanking me for the email, asking about what I was doing ,etc. She also asks me to “hike” some for her as I was going on a big hike. Why she asked me that I don’t know. So moving forward I feel good about things, and email her VERY briefly about something she’d be interested in and did 1 line, like 6 words with I hope she was doing well. She emails me back a couple days later tell me she saw some things on Facebook (dog about broke my thumb off giving her a bath), she hoped I was all right, hope work was going well, etc. and ended the message with “I will talk to you soon, I’m sure.” I’m not one to read into things but c’mon that isn’t a “common” ending.

So after this and talking to some people I stepped back and thought she was trying to “have her cake and eat it too.” So I went NC for like 9 days before breaking it the other day. I asked her how she was with exams being over. We had a good conversation online. We got off and I remembered that I didn’t ask her about some financial documents so I send her a text message. Within minutes she CALLS me, we talk for a moment, she tells me she is about to jump in the shower, but would talk with me more and would check on my docs. She texts me later that she “Found it!” and I ask her back how she wanted me to get it. She says whatever is easiest for me so I tell her I will get it when I’m in the area tomorrow when I go for dinner with some friends, no rush on it though.

So (and the end is near I assure you!) the following night I decide to go out with some friends and end up in the rec room at her apt complex with 7 other friends from the same place. I, drunkenly, text her asking if I could come and get it. She tells me if it was in the next 10 minutes (she was going out) and then calls me like a minute later. I missed it at first and then called her back. I told her I was in the pool room but to not worry about it because of everybody being there and the situation. She insists on bringing it down. So she comes to the rec room, she gives me the docs, I let her in and she says hey to everybody (mutual friends) and looks great! She comes up to me, tells me I had something on my chin (I cut it while shaving) and I told her the story behind it and she tells me she was about to wipe it off for me. So she stays there for like 5 minutes then heads out to meet some friends. She doesn’t really hug me but gets close and says bye and that she’ll see me later. I stupidly ask “really” to which she replies, “I don’t know maybe.” She says bye to everybody and is headed out when I run up behind her and tell her at the door to tell her family hello for me and merry xmas. She says she definitely will and we tell each other to take care of ourselves.

So in the world’s biggest nutshell that is it. I know everybody on here will tell me NC, get over her, etc. but this situation doesn’t feel like that. I honestly feel that she has taken her time and space to concentrate on her and her studies and I’m of the belief that breaks can make relationships much stronger.

The thing that really gets to me are her mixed signals. She says she wants space but her actions speak 180 of that. What am I to make of these things? I thought she might want to “have her cake and eat it too” but it doesn’t feel like that and she knows that I won’t put up with that. I hate this limbo stage in which part of me is holding on to her and wants to talk to her but another half is pulling at me telling me that if after 3 years we can’t get through a trying couple of months, how will be cope as a couple with real issues like having kids, being married, etc.

Do I simply ask her what she is thinking, give her time and just bear the brunt until after she has national boards later this month, etc? I know she still loves me (she told me) but I’m upside down right now. I don’t want to push her away if she is really thinking about us, but I don’t want to appear like I’m just hanging out waiting and not moving on with my life. As I said before I've really reevaluted some things, am working out more, taking some misc classes to get a second degree, working on my house and until that one business trip was doing. Now I almost feel like I'm back at square one. Any advice guys? Should I reach? Hold out? I REALLY appreciate it!

[talaniman]

The thing that really gets to me are her mixed signals

I don't think she sends mixed signals at all, you are. Your hopes, and fears, are making you react when she contacts you. Instead of taking a stand, you run behind her, so what do you expect her to do?

What do you want out of all this, as these games are silly.

[N0help4u]

My guess is that maybe what she is meaning by break is she is not sure what is bothering her, She may just feel the relationship is going too fast or in a diredtion she is not comfortable with, Maybe just have a heart to heart talk with her and see if she is seriously wanting to get back or if she is just wanting to take the relationship back a few steps or what,

[BimmerGuy]

I don't think she sends mixed signals at all, you are. Your hopes, and fears, are making you react when she contacts you. Instead of taking a stand, you run behind her, so what do you expect her to do?

What do you want out of all this, as these games are silly.

Thanks for the response. Do you really think this one is on me? I'm not the one who broke it off, I'm not the one who has been making contact, I'm not the one who said we needed not to contact each other. All this has been on her. I'm just confused as she tells me one thing but then acts and does the opposite. Regardless of my reactions...

Something else to note is that earlier today on FB she sent me a message to let me know she went for a run "by my house" (like 1/4 mile away) on a trail. She asked me if I was going to my company Christmas party, etc. and when we both had to go she told me she "just wanted to say hey."

As I see it she is A) still confused ad trying to figure things out or B) is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

My guess is that maybe what she is meaning by break is she is not sure what is bothering her, She may just feel the relationship is going too fast or in a diredtion she is not comfortable with, Maybe just have a heart to heart talk with her and see if she is seriously wanting to get back or if she is just wanting to take the relationship back a few steps or what,

Thanks for the advice! I'm thinking I will just let it all go while I go home for the holidays and see what happens. I think once we both get time around our families and can back out from a few things we can both get some perspective. Maybe once her boards are done I might try to talk with her, especially if she keeps trying to get in contact with me.

[talaniman]

Do you really think this one is on me? I'm not the one who broke it off, I'm not the one who has been making contact, I'm not the one who said we needed not to contact each other. All this has been on her. I'm just confused as she tells me one thing but then acts and does the opposite. Regardless of my reactions...

Yes I do, as her actions are irrelevant, and yours are the ones that count. You, are the one who responds to Facebook, and its you who take her calls, and respond to her, so this is all about how you handle yourself. Be busy, and unavailable, and then you won't be confused.

As I see it she is A) still confused ad trying to figure things out or B) is trying to have her cake and eat it too.

That's all well and good, but means NOTHING, Busy, and unavailable, stops all that confusion, and lets No Contact give you a chance to let the emotional dust settle.

Its up to you to disappear from her life. Then she has no cake to eat, does she?

[artlady]

Boy,you are one prolific writer!

Some people really do mean it when they say they need space.

Its not always a blow off line.

If there was any discussion I would simply ask her if she sees a future for the two of you and if there are things that she does not like about you ask her to tell you.What does she want need and expect from the relationship? Reasonable questions all the way around.Can you fulfill those desires and also what do you want need and hope for the relationship?

No offense but if you talk as abundantly as you write maybe she just is tired of hearing you go on too much.

My BF of 11 yrs.is a friggin chatterbox and he drives me nuts.He knows I go crazy about it because a person who is always talking is rarely listening. But because I love so many other things about him I am willing to accept that this will never change.That I do not bring it up would be a lie.. believe me. :rolleyes:

I'm 54 yrs.old and I can tell you that the only thing that keeps a relationship real is honest communication.Its the key and its not easy and you really have to work at it.Or just be real and sometimes people do and then its over.You kiss and make up 5 minute later,if that long.You don't always have to kiss and say sorry and all that unless it was a serious argument,bad words said to each other kind of argument.We all have spats and we all get on each others nerves from time to time.You both understand what's happening ,stress,hungry,headache ,the gamut.You understand shi;) happens in a relationship and your love is bigger than that nonsense.

The family accepting you and all that may have put too much pressure on her.

You are young yet and you are working on careers and studies.. lighten up a little bit.

Enjoy your time apart as much as you can and see this a growth experience.
Why waste your time being miserable?

You are clearly very bright and have a good ethic about women so enjoy yourself for a while. You also seem to be one of a rare breed who is in touch with his feelings ,that's to be applauded!

Don't over think it too much ,it will make you crazy.
Ask for one chat and ask her if there is hope and ask her to send you a letter if need be and tell you what she wants and expects

Many blessings Michele