[itishappening]

Marriage without sex, is it over?

I have no interest in having sex with my husband, ever! We have been together for 10 years, married for 3. I am 32 years old.

THis started about 4 years ago and I thought it was my weight, lost the weight. Thought it was my birth control, changed that. I saw a dr and everything. I have ZERO sexual I libido. Since I rarely have sex, when we do (I am often drunk) and it hurts.

When my husband asks (begs) for sex I have to remind myself not to sign and make a face. It is now to the point, every couple weeks I lay next to him while he masturbates and kiss his neck and face. That is such a pain. I just don't like him touching me at all. Keep in mind, I have not cheated on him and I don't have desires to have anyone else touch me either.

He goes between saying sex isn't everything in a marriage, then he will say normal marriages don't function like this. When I do turn him down you can clearly see the frustraion and upset in his face. Sometimes he will then even ignore me or be cold to me for the next day or so.

Once the sex goes, is the marriage doomed? This is not the only issue our marriage has but prob the biggest. I am considering divorce, I feel like I am hurting a good man who deserves more than an occasional handjob. Any advice is welcome.

[kaylalynnjones1]

All right I am new to this web site but find your topic fairly interesting. You said there are more than just that one particular problem in your marriage I would suggest a counselor. Analyze those other problems and maybe you will then be able to understand what is causing this sexual distance between you and your husband..

[liz28]

You said this starting happening about 4 years old so something change. Right now you can't even stand him touching you but soon it is going turn into you can't stand being around him.

So I must ask why are so disgusted by him? What are the other problems the two of you are having?

I couldn't be in a sexless marriage but if you want this marriage to last then the two of you must agree to counseling. If not, then a divorce might be in the future.

[itishappening]

I am not grossed out by him, but I am not intrested in having sex with him. Most other issues are textbook; control over money (his parents are loaded so he doesn't have to to work, but I do) I work and go to school full time(grad school). He has no goals to find a real job outside of what his dad will pay him to do. I am just sick of being married, I want my freedom and I don't want to take care of a child anymore. He loves me to death and says he can't live without me. It is an honor to be loved by someone so strongly but I am so unhappy.

[itishappening]

To be clear; we do not have childern together. I was referring to taking care of a man who acts like a child,

[simoneaugie]

You work and attend grad school full time. Then you come home to take care of him? Resentment would not be too much of a stretch. You can love someone and hate them, or the circumstances at the same time.

What are your hobbies? What gives you joy? Giving sexual service to someone you're seeing as a child is not one of those.

Are you willing to attend counseling with him? The two of you need to start communicating more effectively. Lack of, or an aversion to physical contact is but a symptom of a lack of connection on mental or spiritual levels.

[Fr_Chuck]

And what does his parents having money, mine are rich, and I get 25 dollars a year for birthday.

So you need counseling to work out your issues.

[Gemini54]

Good relationships are about couples being able to negotiate their needs and expectations on a regular basis.

I am just sick of being married, i want my freedom and I don't want to take care of a child anymore.

Well, I think that says it all - it's not really about the sex, it's about your expectation of the marriage. The lack of libido is a symptom of your greater unhappiness.

Until you deal with the underlying issues, your libido won't return. However, you may not feel prepared to do that work, it may be easier for you to just give up. The problem is, that these sorts of issues recur in subsequent relationships until you deal with them.

Relationships very rarely survive when one partner want sex and the other doesn't. For men in particular, sex is incredibly important in a relationship.

Why don't you go and get some counselling, on your own? This way you can begin to work through what's really troubling you and then you'll be in a better position to decide if you want to continue with your marriage, or not.

At least then you'll know that you've given it your best shot and you'll hopefully have a better understanding of why your libido has vanished.

[Jake2008]

I don't think it's about the sex at all, it's about the intimacy, the core of the relationship itself.

If he were a little more ambitious, out working, contributing his own blood sweat and tears to the relationship, and sharing more of what married adults usually share in a relationship, you might feel differently about him.

He already has security and doesn't have to work hard at anything, where you do. It is like a couple where one has retired, and the other is still working. The expectations of each has become different and the lifestyle itself is different.

In addition to that, your needs are not being met somewhere along the line. The sex is the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.

He is not necessarily doing anything wrong especially if you are unable to understand why you feel as you do, how is he supposed to.

If you do decide on counselling, it would be a good way for you to learn and understand why you feel the way you do. It may be something the two of you can work out with a little insight, understanding and work, or it may turn out that continuing on this path will not make you any more committed to the marriage.

Either way, it is surely unhealthy for both of you to be at polar opposites.

[susangpyp]

Being unhappy and not wanting to take care of a child are good reasons to leave. It doesn't have anything to do with sex. He sounds like a spoiled baby. Who would want to work, go to school and then deal with him? I don't think it's the sex. I think that you're turned off emotionally and that is leading to no sex.

[Meredith1978]

You said you gained and lost weight, you're on birth control, are you on any other medicatins? The sex thing sounds like a text book minor hormone imbalance. There are a million and one medications that will make sex unsatisfying and the pain thing, makes it sound like it really is a physical issue and not an emotional one.

A healthy sex life is just as much a part of a healthy relationship as any other part (communication, intimacy).

As far as the other stuff, it did not bother you that he didn't have to work in the beginning right? Often times the biggest problem in relationships is that we get lazy. Please don't take that personal. Everyone does it. I used to write love letters like once a week and leave them around the house, life got busy and I stopped doing it for like a year, it hurt my significant other, it turned out these little letters were important and let him know that I loved him and wanted him. Soon he was defensive, and insecure. We fought more and it all came down to him not feeling as wanted.

Fighting over money... that is normal. Stop yourself from mothering him, it is a hard habit to break but that is something we as women tend to do to ourselves and it is the fastest way to destroy a relationship. What is it that he did in the beginning that made it okay for him to not have to work?

[itishappening]

Thank you so much for everyone’s advice and general thoughts on the topic. I wanted to make sure my feelings weren’t that unusual. I know I need to sort out my own “stuff” before I can ask anyone else to make changes to work with me. I am working with a counselor to take a closer look at how I define happiness and if I am really cut out to be in a marriage. I plan to refer back to thread and keep it updated with the results, so if you have additional comments please leave them.