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notsurewhat2do · May 5, 2009, 06:19 PM

I have been reading the posts here for the last few days, debating if I should post. Here it goes;

I've been with my girlfriend for 10 months now. She moved in with me and we have been living with each other for 8 months. We are 20. We always tell each other we love each other and she always talks about her future with me.

Two weeks ago, she came home from work and said she needed some time to clear her head and said she was breaking up with me. She took a few things and went to her parents. Later that night she said she doesn't want to beak up, just needed time. She has been there since. At first, I was txting her. Then I decided I needed to back off. I really love her and want to marry her when in a few years. She voiced that she needs time because she is hurt that I don't spend enough time with her. I'm starting a business (I work from home) but am always working when she is at work and home. I now realize that I messed up in that aspect and feel terrible for doing that to her. I have since cut my hours so if she comes back I can spend more time with her.

Once I stopped txting her, she started txting me and calling me @ night. She always tells me she love me. Sometimes, I do text her first and I know I shouldn't. From what I read on here, most of the time this is a way of them breaking up. I really don't want to believe that, but I know it's possible. But I have a few questions;

If she wants to break up, why would she tell me she loves me every night. In a sense, this is torture because I want her to come back but she's not. So why would she keep telling me that?

Should I not text her anymore and wait for her to text?

I made the mistake of asking her when she was coming back. She said I don't know. I want to ask her if she is coming back. Should I?

She understands that I understand what I did and need to change. One night I told her what I needed to change. She said now I know you understand, now I just need time. What does that mean? She will come back eventually?

Basically, I just want to know what our future is. I will do anything to save it, but I don't want to do anything to mess it up.

Any advise?

Thanks very much. This is very very hard.

nicolerocks711 · May 5, 2009, 06:53 PM

Well it seems like I am missing part of the picture here. One night out of the blue she said she was breaking up with you? Did she not voice her concerns before this? I think you should make a phone call/voice mail telling her you would like to talk. Tell her that you would like to hear her concerns about everything and work things out. Tell her you will cut your hours and whatever else it would take. It sounds to me that it's just a misunderstanding thing, unless I didn't understand it correctly. Good luck with everything and I hope all goes well.

notsurewhat2do · May 5, 2009, 06:59 PM

She has talked about this before and I did make changes, but not enough. I thought they were enough, but now I realize it wasn't.

I already talked to her about and explained exactly what I did and how to change it. I told her it tears me up to know I hurt her. I guess when she told me this before, I didn't do enough to correct it. I guess she needs time to get over this hurt. But now knowing hurts so much.

How much time should I give her before I decided there is no way she is coming back?

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 07:00 PM

There's nothing wrong with wanting to sort things out, but if she initiated a break up then it's clear that she's not sure what she wants. Maybe she was stressed and acted hastily, but if she cannot confide in you (as a partner in the relationship) and rely on you for help, then you might want to reconsider the relationship as a whole.

You guys are just a bit younger than me, but I was in a similar relationship at your age. It sounds like you guys moved really fast instead of figuring out what you liked about each other first. Have you defined your life and personality around hers, or has she done that for you?

Your best choice right now is to give her the space she wants. If she can't figure out that she wants to be with you on her own, then a healthy relationship is not possible.

~ Tee

Gemini54 · May 5, 2009, 07:00 PM

No one can tell you what your future is, least of all the posters on this site.

However, what we can offer is some advice about how you might approach your current situation.

Firstly, your GF has said that she needs time to think and reflect. I think that you need to respect this, and lay off the texting. She wants time, give it to her.

Secondly, you asked her if she's going to come back. She said she doesn't know. There is your answer. Let her be until she can tell you for certain what she wants to do.

Yes, it is difficult to live with uncertainty. But that's exactly what you need to do. Just sit with it, it won't kill you to feel anxious and uncertain, and you will most certainly'mess it up' if you insist on hassling her.

Some of your actions have created this situation, take responsibility for your part in it, and wait until she gets back to you.

nicolerocks711 · May 5, 2009, 07:02 PM

Well I think you are jumping the gun thinking she won't come back. If you two really care about each other then I think you guys will work it out. To me and my last 2 years, this really doesn't seem like a huge issue. I just think you need to show her that you care and will be there for her. Right now you should let her figure this out for herself and try not to contact her first. Give her like a good week of silence and see if she sees the light for herself.

notsurewhat2do · May 5, 2009, 07:02 PM

Secondly, you asked her if she's going to come back. She said she doesn't know. There is your answer. Let her be until she can tell you for certain what she wants to do.

I asked when she was coming back, she said she doesn't know. I haven't asked her IF she is coming back.

notsurewhat2do · May 5, 2009, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

well i think you are jumping the gun thinking she won't come back. If you two really care about each other then I think you guys will work it out. To me and my last 2 years, this really doesn't seem like a huge issue. I just think you need to show her that you care and will be there for her. Right now you should let her figure this out for herself and try not to contact her first. Give her like a good week of silence and see if she sees the light for herself.

Thank you. I like the optimism. I will do that. From tonight on, I will not txt her first. I will let her txt first.

Triysle · May 5, 2009, 07:06 PM

Originally Posted by notsurewhat2do

Thank you. I like the optimism. I will do that. From tonight on, I will not txt her first. I will let her txt first.

Just make sure that when she does text you, you maintain control of your feelings and emotions. Don't set yourself up for more heartache ;)

~ Tee

Gemini54 · May 5, 2009, 07:07 PM

Originally Posted by notsurewhat2do

Secondly, you asked her if she's going to come back. She said she doesn't know. There is your answer. Let her be until she can tell you for certain what she wants to do.

I asked when she was coming back, she said she doesn't know. I haven't asked her IF she is coming back.

Not sure I see the difference - "when" - "if" - they amount to the same thing.

All I was saying is that she's told you she doesn't know- I was suggesting you respect that.

notsurewhat2do · May 5, 2009, 07:09 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Not sure I see the difference - "when" - "if" - they amount to the same thing.

All I was saying is that she's told you she doesn't know- I was suggesting you respect that.

I will, thank you. I realize now that I can push her away and I don't want to do that.

notsurewhat2do · May 7, 2009, 07:47 AM

WOW. Guess what happened? A few hours after I posted my question, she showed up. She spent the night and we went to the beach yesterday. She went back to her parents last night.

Here is what I figured out.

She wants us to start over. Basically, she is going to go to work for a few more months and then go to school. She is going to be getting a apartment by herself. Our lease here runs up in Aug 31 (thank god, its very expensive). After the lease runs up here, I will do one of two things;

Move in with her (if she is ready she said)
Or get a short term lease somewhere until she is ready

Now, I'm still going to see her but not like I used to (everyday of course since she lived here). I don't like the idea but I know it will make our relationship stronger, I hope.

She thinks we moved too fast. We got an apartment that was really expensive. Even tough we could afford it, it didn't allow her to go to school. After a few months of moving in, we got stuck in this routine that was not good for our relationship. I was always working on my business and she always felt neglected when she came home from work. In a sense we were living like we were married, not dating.

I think doing it this way will be good for a few reasons, 1. when we hang out from now on we are going to have fun memories of each other, not stress of paying bills, etc. 2. this gives me time to put more hours into the business without hurting her. 3.she can now go to school to build her future (she only has 1 year left for MRI Tech).

But there are a few things I worry about. What if she drifts away with all the time we spend away from each other. Or if she meets someone and since I'm not around wants to have fun.

What's your take on this situation? I feel much better now that we have a plan. I always plan stuff and it was driving me crazy that I didn't know what our future was. In a sense, I still have some doubts.

Thanks to everyone that has helped.

kctiger · May 7, 2009, 07:50 AM

Life = a whole bunch of "what ifs"

Life being fun = not constantly worrying about those what ifs. Just enjoy and cross a bridge when you come to it.

liz28 · May 7, 2009, 07:58 AM

You can have anything planned out to the tee but nothing is guarantee. Life is a gamble--you either lose or win. But it is also about taking risks because you never know what could happen if you don't take a chance.

Just have a back up plan.

talaniman · May 7, 2009, 08:20 AM

I think you moved to fast also, and will benefit from just dating, and see how things go, and have fun getting to know each other. You can still keep your own lives, without each other, which will help eliminate the stress of living together.

You have a chance to start over, and do it better, good luck with that, but keep expectations reasonable, and talk, and listen to each other. Please don't do the moving in thing for a while. Stay independent, and see how things go.

As others have said, relationships, as in life, are a risk, with no guarantees.

Romefalls19 · May 7, 2009, 08:20 AM

My take on the situation, your entire life is based on when SHE is ready for anything dealing with you

notsurewhat2do · May 7, 2009, 11:08 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

Life = a whole bunch of "what ifs"

Life being fun = not constantly worrying about those what ifs. Just enjoy and cross a bridge when you come to it.

That is a good answer, thank you. I just love her a lot. I've dated several girls and never felt this way about any of them. It's a little unnerving not knowing. But I'll just have to sit back and chill out.

nicolerocks711 · May 7, 2009, 12:03 PM

Good luck with everything. I hope it all works out the way you want it to.

notsurewhat2do · May 14, 2009, 09:41 PM

Since I received a lot of great advise, I believe it would be right to update you.

Yesterday, she told me she want me to move in with her after the lease is out here (few months). I'm very happy that she has had her time and wants me to come back. I will still have to wait a few months but I believe this time will make our relationship stronger in the future. We really do love each other.

Thanks again. And good luck to everyone with their relationships.

nicolerocks711 · May 15, 2009, 12:10 PM

I'm glad everything is working out for you, now only if I could find someone lol