[123laura123]

Hello, my boyfriend and I have been together 3 years (living together for one). He is 29, I am 30. We are both of healthy weight and as far as we know are healthy. We have an excellent relationship; we talk about everything, have fun, spend time together, snuggle, compliment each other, respect one another, etc. Honestly, sometimes I feel guilty that I even complain about our sex life because I know how fortunate we are to be in such a caring and honest relationship. But, the truth of the matter is that his sex drive is really low. Since we met he has had a lower sex drive than, but we had sex at least once a week. Yet, in the last 5 months we have had sex 6 times (and it was just as low before that, but I wasn't paying attention to the exact amount).

To cover some foreseen responses:
We've spoken openly about this many times. I've asked if there is an issue in our relationship, if he's lost attraction, if he's bored, if he's interested in other women (or men), if he's stressed, tired, ill, distracted. He assures me that its none of those things, that he is just not interested. He says he really wants to please me, but he can't, sexually. He also mentioned he doesn't masturbate and doesn't watch any porn (both of which I am totally for). My boyfriend is very good about showering me with compliments and cuddling, and he is very sincere when he shares his love for me, so I trust his words.

BUT, he does work a ton. Maybe 50-55 hours a week, plus he participates in other activities like playing music and taking a class. So, obviously my thought is that he's stressed and on top of that, naturally has a low sex drive. My question is this: at 30 I have had plenty of sexual experiences, and there is no doubt I love sex like the next person, but I truly love this man and I can see a great future with him---minus the sex. Is it ill advised to continue as we are? Is sex so important? Can I get by with a bit of sex and a bit more of masturbation? I'd like to hear from folks with more experience than I, who can shed their wisdom of relationships & sex on a lady that surrounded by others telling her how great her relationship is. Thank you in advance.

[liz28]

Maybe it is time for you to invest in some toys for yourself.

You have to see how much you value sex over the relationship you have with this guy.

Maybe, if you haven't already done so, instead of talking about sex with him, just do. You be the aggressive one by making the first move. You can always get someone in the mood even if they aren't in the mood. Do you know where his weak spots are?

[Synnen]

He needs to have medical tests done to rule out any problems MEDICALLY that could be causing this.

Only YOU can decide what you can live with. I know some couples who are happy with sex very seldom. I know other couples where if there wasn't sex, one or the other would walk.

We do see questions here all the time from women (and men!) who reach their breaking point of their partner's sex drive not matching up with their own. You need to decide if his low sex drive is going to affect your confidence, your self-image, and your attitude toward yourself.

[kp2171]

What does "He says he really wants to please me, but he can't, sexually" mean?

That his drive is just too low, or that he struggles to get you over the top?

Is he willing to perform oral?

When is his "prime time" of interest... meaning is he a night person? Morning guy?

Has he had any issues with ED?

The hours worked can absolutely play into libido.

And, as mentioned, there easily can be other reasons that tie into this. His hormone levels could be wacked... this would decrease his physical drive, even if he was interested.

Does he have nocturnal erections? I guess you need to answer the ED question before we go there.

Do you have privacy? Ever get away together? Etc?

Are you willing to self stim with him with you... biting at your neck or ears or skin on skin, even if its not intercourse?

More info please... especially concerning ED and the "cant pleasure you" comment.

[123laura123]

what does "He says he really wants to please me, but he can't, sexually" mean?
He wants to make me feel good, but he says he doesn't feel like having sex. Do yeah, I told him there are others ways---oral, touch me---and he's kind of responsive, but its not without my invitation to do so.
that his drive is just too low, or that he struggles to get you over the top?
He knows my buttons and I have no problem showing him, when we do have sex, its good. Not mind blowing, but very satifactory.
is he willing to perform oral?
Yeah, but its rare.
when is his "prime time" of interest... meaning is he a night person? morning guy?

has he had any issues with ED?
Nope, not that I can see, he gets the typical morning erection.
the hours worked can absolutely play into libido.
Agreed, and we have spoken about this a lot.
and, as mentioned, there easily can be other reasons that tie into this. his hormone levels could be wacked... this would decrease his physical drive, even if he was interested.

does he have nocturnal erections? i guess you need to answer the ED question before we go there.

do you have privacy? ever get away together? etc?
Yeah we have good, quality time together and we get away atleast once a weekend
are you willing to self stim with him with you... biting at your neck or ears or skin on skin, even if its not intercourse?
I'm def into touching, rubbing, being close, dry sex, but its rare if he initiates this. Last night was a little better, he snuggled and kissed me in bed in a very hot way, but then he rolled over and spooned me. I was so worked up just from the soft kissed I guided his hand down to help me "finish."
more info please... especially concerning ED and the "cant pleasure you" comment.

I don't think there is any ED issue in play here. He pleasures me mentally for sure, its the physical pleasure---or the sex---that lacks and then by default takes a tole on me mentally. As one women suggested, invest in more toys, I can do that. I can work on myself no problem, what I am having trouble wrapping my head around is can I live with having sex once a month? I am not the type to be "oh, he'll change, its a phase" cause I think the low sex drive is valid. But as someone mentioned, its hard to not feel rejected, unloved, not good enough not matter how much he assures me that I am everything he wants.

[123laura123]

what does "He says he really wants to please me, but he can't, sexually" mean?

He wants to make me feel good, but he says he doesn't feel like having sex. Do yeah, I told him there are others ways---oral, touch me---and he's kind of responsive, but its not without my invitation to do so.

that his drive is just too low, or that he struggles to get you over the top?

He knows my buttons and I have no problem showing him, when we do have sex, its good. Not mind blowing, but very satifactory.

is he willing to perform oral?

Yeah, but its rare.

when is his "prime time" of interest... meaning is he a night person? morning guy?

has he had any issues with ED?

Nope, not that I can see, he gets the typical morning erection.

the hours worked can absolutely play into libido.

Agreed, and we have spoken about this a lot.

and, as mentioned, there easily can be other reasons that tie into this. his hormone levels could be wacked... this would decrease his physical drive, even if he was interested.

does he have nocturnal erections? i guess you need to answer the ED question before we go there.

do you have privacy? ever get away together? etc?

Yeah we have good, quality time together and we get away atleast once a weekend

are you willing to self stim with him with you... biting at your neck or ears or skin on skin, even if its not intercourse?

I'm def into touching, rubbing, being close, dry sex, but its rare if he initiates this. Last night was a little better, he snuggled and kissed me in bed in a very hot way, but then he rolled over and spooned me. I was so worked up just from the soft kissed I guided his hand down to help me "finish."

more info please... especially concerning ED and the "cant pleasure you" comment.

I don't think there is any ED issue in play here. He pleasures me mentally for sure, its the physical pleasure---or the sex---that lacks and then by default takes a tole on me mentally. As one women suggested, invest in more toys, I can do that. I can work on myself no problem, what I am having trouble wrapping my head around is can I live with having sex once a month? I am not the type to be "oh, he'll change, its a phase" cause I think the low sex drive is valid. But as someone mentioned, its hard to not feel rejected, unloved, not good enough not matter how much he assures me that I am everything he wants.

[kp2171]

You know that by ED I mean erectile dysfunction... an ability to get and/or maintain a quality erection? No problems with that physical aspect at any time?

Even when it was more frequent, was he able to get you over the top? Were you able to have an orgasm? How long did it take?

Is/was sex ever "all about him"... meaning he doesn't have to hold back?

Guess I'm trying to understand when you did have sex, what was it like? Both able to hit orgasm? Who initiated? What about foreplay on him? Does he like to kiss... or did he? etc...

Not trying to be a pest... but I still don't have a good feel for what's happening. I know he isn't initiating or responsive now...

But I don't have a good feel for the past.

You said his drive was lower than yours from the start... that probably means his drive is just lower than yours... since its common to have an amped drive during the early stages of a relationship and then it hits its "natural" state...

But what about his response in bed when you did have sex? And your response to him?

[Gemini54]

A relationship without much sex when one partner wants it is often very painful.

Resentment and frustration builds over time and this starts to infect other parts of an otherwise healthy relationship. You are already beginning to get a sense of this.

These issues are difficult and in the end are always about the choices we need to make:

Your boyfriend can choose to do nothing and risk losing you, or he can take your concerns seriously. He says he really wants to please me, but he can't, sexually.
Is it that he can't or is it that he won't, I would ask?

You can choose to have a relationship without much sex. You can say to yourself the relationship is so good otherwise that it's worth compromising. That’s your choice.

Or you can admit you want more from a relationship and may be prepared to lose what you have to get the relationship (and the sex) that you really want.

In the end , all relationships are about reciprocity. They are about give and take, and of course they are about compromise. You both need to take steps to see whether you can resolve this issue - perhaps his hormone levels are low, perhaps he's stressed, perhaps he feels pressured by you - you need to both figure it out, if the relationship is important to you.

Don't dance around the issue - have the “definitive” talk. Some things can’t be ignored.

[makapuu]

He sounds like a normal over-worked guy. Sex is exhausting, maybe he doesn't want to start something he can't finish. It sounds like you two have a great relationship. Why does he work so much if he knows it affects your love life? I know the economy is bad right now, but quality time is priceless.

[mum45]

So many things can effect this. Hormone levels, even an undiagnosed blood flow problem. My husband had an artery in his heart that was spasming and not getting good blood flow out to his brain or anywhere else. Both of you talk with the doctor for sure. And as far as yourself... we danced around this subject and put it off until our marriage was in deep trouble. Don't do that to your relationship. What we allowed to happen to our relationship took a long time to repair. Eventually it isn't just about sex anymore, as resentment will build, (unless you are a saint)!

[janine9]

Hi 123Laura,

I am you in about another 12 years from now. You still love him, he's a great friend, great husbnad, great provider, and now he's a great Dad (and you can still see yourself growing old with him). Life is good... in general. But the sex thing doesn't really get better, it get's a little worse, to be honest. At some point or another, you can't help but get frustrated. You feel somewhat indignant about having to initiate sex most (if not all) of the time - you are an attractive woman! And at times, you're down-right horny. Well, I'm not here to promote my lifestyle, but I'm a wife and a Mom... and I have a lover on the side. In the beginning, it was hard to wrap my head around not being immature or treating sex with another man as something more than it really is... but I've come to accept my marriage as a huge success, subtracting the sex. I don't care how the remainder of responders react or judge, I like having a lover. It's exciting to be with a man who gets you really hot and you get into the moment of being together for a short amount of time. The need is met. Then it's back to your life, and that's so nice too. The life I've built for so many years with my husband, and also my children is cherished, but having a lover satifies my other needs, the lessor of the needs, but they are still there.