[jeremy4719]

Anyone that has read my previous posts knows that I've gone through a bunch with my fiancé... Many ups and downs for the last 4-5 months... We are still together and are trying our best to work out any and all problems we can...

I'm trying to figure out why I feel this anxiety, unsure feeling, and a bit of depression over things even though we are "trying" to make them work... Will this feeling go away as things (hopefully) get better? Is it the past bad experiences we've had the last few months that are making me think about will this work? I know I love her, but I'm really not sure about things because of the problems we've had... I've given and will continue to give as much effort and love as I can for as long as I can, but when do I decide to stay for good or leave for good? I know this is a bit out there, but I really need someone to help me understand how to deal with these feelings, and if they are normal?

Thanks!

[Dennis777]

Hello Jeremy.

A relationship is all or nothing. There is no wait and see after you cross the line into the relationship. Unless both of you are giving 110% then the relationship is never going to work.

Good Luck
Dennis777

[talaniman]

Get yourself checked by a doctor so you can rule out anything physical or mental, as what you call feelings may simply be a chemical imbalance so go for a check-up.

[Pook_Myster]

I think you're pretty normal... doubt that it is any sort of imbalance... but no harm in checking either.

You're fighting with your conscious... your head and heart are telling you two different things... it's up to you which way you go - but you already know the answer, and it's now what you want to hear... and whullah - Anxiety!

I am unaware of your past as I have not read your past posts, but I can offer this advice - past wrongs, past bad experiences never go away... you can forgive, and I know that they say that to truly forgive is to truly forget... but it takes a mighty strong person to be able to do that...

Are you going to cut your losses or tough it out? That is the question that you have been asking yourself and your head is saying Go, your heart is saying Stay.

Maybe? Lol... I write as though I am certain, and of course I'm not... I'm applying my past experiences to your situation and understandably coming up with the same conclusions... we are all human, and most emotions are universal to us all...

[LettuceBFrank]

Are you sure that you are engaged? Do you have a wedding date?

I agree with a previous post, marriage is all or nothing. If you are still considering what should be included in "all", we call that dating...

Dating is the greatest gift in the world, because it is practice for marriage and teaches us what should be included in our personal collection of "all" and gives us a chance to potentially meet our future mates who make it "all" worth it:)

If your are indeed engaged and not dating... I highly recommend pre-marital counseling. If your are truly committed to each other for the rest of your lives, isn't it worth it to put some effort towards success?

[Jiser]

I suffer from anxiety, it certainly does suck big time. Just need to learn to relax and breathe!

[talaniman]

Make sure we get a little background,
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=1527818
One one his problems is he and his lady don't see each other enough at this time, and don't have a very good communication going, but there are other factors at play. I think his previous posts show a clear resentment with his needs not being met, because his g/f works many hours to get debts paid for their future.

[jeremy4719]

Pook_Myster... That's exactly it, my head and heart are fighting because of the way things have been... Right now, they aren't necessarily bad... I mean we haven't raised our voices, argued, or anything since our big fight about 10-12 days ago... This has helped, but the fact that my love needs, physical needs, and emotional needs aren't being met is a tough one...

Here is roughly what she does every day with work...

Two days a week:

Gets up at 6am
Showers and gets ready
Drives 20 min to work
Works 8:00am-4:30pm
Drives 20 min home
Goes to bed by 10:30pm

5 days a week:
Gets up at noon
Showers and gets ready
Drives 50 min to work
Works 2:00-10:30pm
Drives 50 min home.
Goes to bed by midnight.

Soooo as you can see there isn't much time for me unless she has enough energy on a back to back 2-10:30pm day... If she does, she stays over the night... This actually has been a bit non-existant lately because of her having to get other errands done (car repairs, g-pa is sick in the hospital, etc)...

I know she is working hard to pay bills, and to be able to move 20-30 min closer... It's just really hard for me to feel like I'm in a relationship (let alone engaged) when my fiancé and I have no time together, very little intimacy and affection, or fun... It's really really hard to hang on to someone you love when you aren't getting what you need... I know that once she gets her own place a bit closer, she says I'll be able to come there a few nights a week and stay (this being 2 months or so from now)...

I appreciate all and every comment, regardless if I agree...

[Shaunta]

Jeremy, I have to give it to you! I don't know how you do it?? What is a relationship when there is only ONE person?? To me it seems like your all alone.. You have that other person but that other person just isn't there... I would be extremely aggravated... You seem like well you hardly ever see your fiancé... I get mad when I can't see my boyfriend for one day... I have to give it to you... Your strong and sticking in there... I think I would have left... But that's just because I feel like I need attention and if its not given to me I begin to think he doesn't care about me... But that's just how I feel when it comes to me and him... In your case she's just extremely busy... You would think she had like 5 kids and was a single parent and had to work two jobs to take care of all them... Goodness... well I can say she's a hard worker... But you will know when enough is enough... You won't be able to take it anymore and you will do what you feel is right... I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK AND I WILL KEEP YOU IN MY PRAYERS! GOOD LUCK HONEY :)

[jeremy4719]

Thank you Shaunta! For this and your personal comments! Means a lot... :)

[talaniman]

I'm going to disagree with the others as it not a good sign in a relationship when your needs come before the needs of you both. That you are in the middle of an agreed plan for you both to have a future, and having second thoughts, then maybe you have no future. Relationships are hard work and they don't just happen without sacrifice to reach a common goal, and if you can't get into it, maybe you should step back and reevaluate this whole situation. If your unwilling to work this plan, then you should tell her, so she isn't wasting her time, or yours.

[jeremy4719]

Talaniman... You aren't quite grasping the situation correctly... It's not that I'm not willing to work towards goals, a future, a life... It's that things in our life have not been what a "normal" relationship or semi-normal relationship should be... It's hard to step out of a pretty good relationship for a year, then wait around for 4 months (so far) for things to get back to that normacy... If I can go without seeing her, physical intimacy, and going out for fun nights for 4 months, I think I've done a pretty darn good job in my opinion... Most people would not of made it this long... I've not left, I've not quit, but my limits are being severely tested... I'm going to hang on to us and the love I still have for her as long as I can, but if there are anymore big bumps in this pot hole filled road in the next month, then it might be time for a detour... Wish me luck... I do want us to work, and that's why I'm still here writing isn't it...

[talaniman]

I have seen many, take the easy way out and quit working when the road was to bumpy. I can understand very well how separation, and life can keep us apart and we have to do the best we can to keep it together. I grasp the situation very well, and yes I was questioning your loyalty. After 33 years of marriage, and going through many things including life changing illnesses, I can tell you from first hand, what going down a bumpy road is about. I can also tell you that things can fall apart in the blink of an eye when one partner can make up their minds, and the commitment wavers, which is why my first post was for you to have a check up and make sure their where no medical, mental or physiological reason for depression or anxiety. Many of these contribute to our moods, and or emotions that can be dealt with. I have read ALL your post and questioned your loyalty and commitment, mainly to make you see how you sound, and to actively either find and correct your issues, or get out. Your whole life is about tests that take you to the limit, just wait until illness comes in the picture, God forbid, and you are tested to your limits. Seek all the possibilities and come to know your issues and deal with them is my point, I hope you can grasp that.

[jeremy4719]

You are making it sound as if I have some sort of problem... You said, "correct your issues"... I have a normal non-crazy life... I'm also a loving man who cares for his woman deeply... I have anxiety and frustrations only because of issues in this relationship that have come about primarily from the lack of time together... I want the normal relationship or something close to it... We used to have it a few months ago, before she decided to never be off a day... I'm the one who is waiting for things that should always be there, things that I should not have to wait for as her lover, friend, and fiancé... but yet I do... She could cut her hours back, or simply make a bit of time for me... Even if it was for 15 min... In the past, I've not let work or anything get in the way of "us"... Now, I'm trying ridiculously hard to stay in this, because I DO LOVE HER... I DO CARE ABOUT HER... It's been like this for 4 months, if that's not sticking it out, I don't know what is... It's hard when I feel like I want to see her and should be able to, yet she doesn't see seeing me as a priority... I asked her the other day, "When are we going to have some time together?"... She responded, "We'll see... One day at a time, i've got to run errands this week."... I'm sorry but, I should be more important then that in her life... A freakin' errand takes rank over me in this relationship? I would drop most if not all errands for her... I digress...

Things right now are so-so... Still haven't seen much of each other, but there have been no fights in nearly two weeks... I'll keep those interested updated...

[talaniman]

Originally Posted by talaniman
Why is she working herself to death????

By Jeremy, To pay off her past debt... Plus she wants to move closer to town from the 1hr drive she current lives at... That's why she is working so much... She will be down to about 48-56hrs a week from 80+ a week starting in late May..

So what am I missing since this seems to be a goal for you both and your future. I've read all of your posts, and you have a few, and since you can't seem to makeup your mind what's important, then you should leave her alone. Go get someone who will give you enough attention to make you happy. She is working for you and do you appreciate it? Your coming off as selfish and this is not love you have but her fullfilling your needs. No once have you mentioned her needs or appreciated her sacrifice and this will not get better until you face your own issues and get with the program, or get gone and get your needs met.

I have anxiety and frustrations only because of issues in this relationship that have come about primarily from the lack of time together... I want the normal relationship or something close to it...

You are not ready for the rigors of this relationship, and as you've seen no matter how many threads you make you will get the same answers. If your love is that conditional, its not real.

[jeremy4719]

Thank you Shuanta... It's good to see someone that knows what a relationship is really like... I appreciate your response...

Talaniman apparently thinks I'm in the wrong some how... She works for herself to pay off her own debt that she has made over the years... I think that it is wonderful that she is trying to work that hard towards paying it off, I really do! When a relationship gets a bit down and out because of working too much, that is when you should drop a few hours and set them towards the relationship itself... Working towards the future involves more then working... You seem to think that work takes all priority over anything... That is not how true and real relationships work...

Update: Things have gotten better in the last week or two... We've had better communication, better conversations, and a bit of a spark that we've not seen recently... We've still not seen each other, but I think in about 5 days or so, we'll have a night finally... That would make about 20 days since last time we saw each other...

[talaniman]

When you have your true relationship, you can tell us how you got there, especially after a few kids, and heaven forbid illnesses. And I bet it is good for someone to finally agree. I doubt she is as familiar with all your posts as I am.

We've had better communication, better conversations,

I am glad this is happening as this as you will find out is the basics of a good relationship. I hope it continues.

[talaniman]

Shaunta disagrees: I disagree...Hes not being ungrateful...If they are in a relationship together about to get married..He should be able to spend time with her...I think their lack of spending time together is unhealthy...Hes right..I would be upset also!!

If you had bothered to read ALL of his previous posts they should be working together for a common goal. He is having a problem holding up his end, a pattern he needs to correct before marriage.

[jeremy4719]

If you had bothered to read ALL of his previous posts they should be working together for a common goal. He is having a problem holding up his end, a pattern he needs to correct before marriage.

If you had read all of my previous posts, you would know that I have held up my side of this relationship... I don't know where you get these ideas from, but you are clearly mistaken... I've been there through good and bad in this relationship... Shaunta hit the nail on the head, not you...

[talaniman]

So be it!!