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zakka · Jan 30, 2009, 04:50 PM

Hi all, this is going to sound really silly but I just need some honest impartial advice so please bear with me. I'm 26 have had 2 relationships in the past, one lasted several years, the other lasted about 6 months. Have been with my current girlfriend for about a year now, she had had 2 previous relationships, 1 for 2 years the other a few months (no sexual activity). She recently told me she had sex at home with her father at home, on a piano, jacuzzi, hotel room, car, public places etc... and went into quite a bit of detail. Granted it was my fault for bringing this out but I felt I had to know something about her past in order to take it to the next level.

I personally feel that for a 21 year old she has done way too much and there's nothing new that I could possibly share with her since she moved in with the guy. I keep having these recurring thoughts and really want to get rid of them but cant. I know her past isn't any of my business, but I feel like my past doesn't come anywhere near hers... its not really jealously or experience here its just that I simply cannot build new memories with her since she's "been there"... maybe I'm wrong?

Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.
Thanks

ja77 · Jan 30, 2009, 04:55 PM

You need to let the past stay in the past and not compare yourself to hers or yours. What you have is the building blocks of your own special relationship where you can create what you want.

slapshot_oi · Jan 30, 2009, 05:05 PM

Originally Posted by zakka

she recently told me she had sex at home with her father at home...

... Do you mean to say she had sex while her father was home?

roxypox · Jan 31, 2009, 07:43 AM

let her past be her past, and stop being insecure about it.

You just got to trust the fact that she's with you because she wants to be with you for you.

and as for building new memories, dude why does new memories have to be a about sex, and where or how you have it?

should a relationship really be about that? Or about breaking new ground? If you want to make new memories, go on vacation, take her to a restaurant... besides new people usually = new memories.

I've always wondered why someone would ask their bf/gf about their old sex life, it just sounds like it's a really bad idea if you ask me... ;)

talaniman · Jan 31, 2009, 08:33 AM

You either get over it, and accept her for what she is, or leave her alone to find a real man who can.

This is your problem to deal with, and until you do its unfair to judge, and compare her, by your insecure standards, and make this her problem.

You can be honest about it, and let her know your working on it, but be very careful not to act on impulse, when you have those feelings.

She may see you as not ready, and can't handle the truth.

I know you have more questions about how to cope with your feelings better. Ask away.

artlady · Jan 31, 2009, 08:48 AM

She may have experienced many things in her past but she did not experience them with you.What you have together will be different and special because you are different.

Just because she did a lot of different things does not mean you can't top that.What makes good sex great is love and a mutual desire to please and be pleased. That is the truth.It may sound like a platitude but the bottom line is that every experience with you is new and exciting.

Remember that communication is the most important asset to any healthy sexual relationship.Talk it over and ask what her expectations and desires are and share yours as well.

We all feel inadequate sexually at one time or another but try to remember that she is with you now and there is a reason for that.

Good luck!

Romefalls19 · Jan 31, 2009, 08:59 AM

I've never told anyone on this forum this before so here we go. I sometimes get the thought of my fiancé sharing herself with another, granted it's usually at the gym and I turn it into motivation. It's not something I dwell on in the relationship because it is the past and we all have done stuff in the past. I could be upset because she has had "relations" while in a place where someone could just walk in, but I chose to take the love connection that we share over the connection or lack there of that her and her ex used to share(there was no love) and was often forced to endure things she didn't like or enjoy.

My advice, turn it into something positive. Take in consideration that she has chosen to be with YOU, not him. Sure she shared herself with him, but she is with you NOW and the present can't hold a candle to the past. It's the past because that candle has already burned out. What you are doing is trying to light an already burned out flame. If you don't like the answers, don't ask the questions. Sure, I have questions about my fiancé but I don't care to know the answers so I simply put them to the back of my mind and accept that what we share is deeper than sex. Anyone can have sex, but a loving couple can experience making love.

zakka · Jan 31, 2009, 09:41 AM

Thanks a lot for that folks, you're all right and it does make me feel a whole lot better. I am trying desparately to ignore the past, and believe me I've stopped bringing up subjects even remotely relating to her past. But how do I get over it when she brings it up? For example she'll say things like "trust me i've done that..." or "been there..." and it comes across in a sort of mocking/show off manner.

I think that's inconsiderate, maybe that's just me, but it's a touchy subject and don't know how to tell her that I don't want want to know about her past.

One of my friends thinks the only way for me to get this out of my head is to cheat on her thereby "evening the score", I know that's not right since she wouldn't do that and I'd like to think of myself as a person with good moral standards, just wondering if anybody has ever gone down that route and whether it made things any different.

Thanks

zakka · Jan 31, 2009, 09:42 AM

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

....Do you mean to say she had sex while her father was home?

Yes slapshot, while her father was in the next room, it disgusts me but I know if I was that person I'd have a different view... just can't get this out of my head though. Its about how far you'd go morally or maybe I'm just too old fashioned

artlady · Jan 31, 2009, 09:53 AM

Hay Zakka.. I think your friends advice is horrible!!
I don't even understand the mindset there. How is cheating going to erase her past? Plain goofy,glad to see you are taking the higher road.

You need to tell her very clearly that her reference to her past is hurtful and just because she has done something with someone else does not mean it is going to be any less enjoyable with you.

Every sexual experience is not all fireworks and supernovas.

Sex is fun and great recreation and when you try to make it an Olympic event based on some sort of point system you are taking away the spontaneity and missing the whole point.A mutual sharing of love and passion.

Some people who try to lose them self in sexual pleasure are really seeking something deeper but don't know how to get there emotionally.

Consider her motivation for her previous sexual encounters and you may find that it is more than just sexual.

talaniman · Jan 31, 2009, 10:18 AM

Do you think focusing on what she has done before, is stopping you from appreciating who she is now? Just me, I would tell her that you really don't want to know what she has done before, just what she is doing now. If you come across as non judgmental, and casual, she may just stop. Whats the point of being with someone you can't honestly express yourself with??

zakka · Jan 31, 2009, 10:28 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Do you think focusing on what she has done before, is stopping you from appreciating who she is now? Just me, I would tell her that you really don't want to know what she has done before, just what she is doing now. If you come across as non judgmental, and casual, she may just stop. Whats the point of being with someone you can't honestly express yourself with??

talaniman, you got it spot on, I think it is preventing me from appreciating who she is, and she is a wonderful person who's made some sacrifices in terms of altering her lifestyle to be with me, and I wholeheartedly adore her for that. I just can't seem to imagine her partaking in those sort of activities, I guess I just had a certain picture of her planned in my mind which has now been ripped apart.

artlady, thanks for that you're right about the physical stuff, and I'm going to try my best to get over this.

ja77 · Jan 31, 2009, 03:39 PM

one of my friends thinks the only way for me to get this out of my head is to cheat on her thereby "evening the score", I know that's not right since she wouldn't do that and I'd like to think of myself as a person with good moral standards

Zakka good for you keep those moral standards your friends advise is very bad.

chuff · Jan 31, 2009, 04:36 PM

While I wouldn't ask her again about her past I would say to you, feel lucky you have a girl that was honest about it with you when you asked and more important, trust who you were now to accept it and not hold it against her.

ladysodivine · Jan 31, 2009, 04:40 PM

I had the same problem.. when I met my boyfriend he was 23 and I was 18.. I used to ask him questions.. and it was my own fault.. I know too much about his past.. it's a real difficult situation to overcome.. message me if you want to talk about it believe me.. ive been there.. I got so bad they put my on annxiety medication.. feel free to contact..