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talaniman · Apr 20, 2009, 07:08 AM

I haven't as yet started a relationship with him he lives about 4 hours away from us and I still have not let him know where we are living so at the moment I am still deciding on what to do because in the longrun it is my kids that I care about the most

I applaud you for not just jumping into this without due thought. Its good to forgive, but not so good to put your kids, or daughter, into a potentially bad situation.

I think he has to earn trust, and not just given it. That takes time and plenty of it, as being sure when it comes to the safety of your family is priority one.

Just me, I think there are better things in life than going back to a very hard time with someone who is best left alone to deal with their own issues.

I think YOU would benefit from talking to someone, as much as your daughter.

ISneezeFunny · Apr 20, 2009, 07:13 AM

... why isn't this guy in prison?

lighterrr · Apr 20, 2009, 12:49 PM

Originally Posted by cowcow37

the ages of my other 4 children are a girl that is nearly 15 a boy that is nearly 13 another boy that is 8 and a girl that is 5....my daughter never wanted counseling i tried to get her to go but she wouldnt....when he got out of jail he went to counseling and also went to a rehab facility and has since been getting alot of help from there...i understand wat u all r sayin about keeping an eye on him and there is a part of me that loves him very much but there is also a part of me that keeps saying why did he do such a horrible act...i am scared of the consequences of my actions if we do start a relationship i dont want to lose my other kids through childrens services...i havent as yet started a relationship with him he lives about 4 hours away from us and i still have not let him know where we r living so at the moment i am still deciding on wat to do because in the longrun it is my kids that i care about the most

Well your daughter is presently the age of your oldest daughter when he abused her. Look its not that hard here what you have to do as a mother. Keep your child away from this man under no circumstances should your young daughter be left with this man. If you enter into a relationship with him there are definitely times where you won't be around and your daughter may be in-danger and become his second victim.

If I do the math you stayed with this man after he abused your oldest daughter and you also had children for him after the initial abuse? Please correct me if I am wrong? I just get the feeling that you are deeply in love with this man and you are looking for too much justification to stay with him and allow him to be a part of your children's life. Look I can t tell you what to do but I think its best to leave well enough alone and move on with your life and find a man that will be a good role model and father to your children. Don't go back to this man. Your children deserve to be in a SAFE and non threatening home.

On a side note where you abused as a child? I find you are a bit to sympathetic to this abuser!

Nestorian · Apr 20, 2009, 02:12 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

I applaud you for not just jumping into this without due thought. Its good to forgive, but not so good to put your kids, or daughter, into a potentially bad situation.

I think he has to earn trust, and not just given it. That takes time and plenty of it, as being sure when it comes to the safety of your family is priority one.

Just me, I think there are better things in life than going back to a very hard time with someone who is best left alone to deal with their own issues.

I think YOU would benefit from talking to someone, as much as your daughter.

Once again you pick those points that matter and free your mind to the possibilities. One day I'll be as good as you, one day... :D

I like how you give credit, and fair warning, and responsibility to cowcow37. Good job Talaniman.

Peace and kindness be with us all.

cowcow37 · Apr 20, 2009, 07:56 PM

Originally Posted by lighterrr

Well your daughter is presently the age of your oldest daughter when he abused her. Look its not that hard here what you have to do as a mother. Keep your child away from this man under no circumstances should your young daughter be left with this man. If you enter into a relationship with him their are definitely times where you wont be around and your daughter may be in-danger and become his second victim.

If i do the math you stayed with this man after he abused your oldest daughter and you also had children for him after the initial abuse? Please correct me if I am wrong? I just get the feeling that you are deeply in love with this man and you are looking for to much justification to stay with him and allow him to be a part of your children's life. Look i can t tell you what to do but i think its best to leave well enough alone and move on with your life and find a man that will be a good role model and father to your children. Don't go back to this man. Your children deserve to be in a SAFE and non threatening home.

On a side note where you abused as a child? I find you are a bit to sympathetic to this abuser!

When my daughter was molested she was about 8 or 9 I did not know it was going on until she was 16 that's when she told me what had happened... I was not with him then we had already separated... I know what he did is unforgivable but I have always been in love with him but maybe I'm letting it cloud my judgement and I don't want to put my kids in danger ever again... I thanku all for your input it has helped me a great deal ithink I was just wishing it didn't happen but it did and it will always be an issue in our relationship and I will never be able to trust him around the kids

friend4u178 · Apr 20, 2009, 08:02 PM

Originally Posted by cowcow37

when my daughter was molested she was about 8 or 9 i did not know it was going on until she was 16 thats when she told me wat had happened.

Yep this is generally what happens.

I think the important thing to remember is it's something that stays with the victim for the REST of their lives.

mudweiser · Apr 20, 2009, 08:23 PM

Originally Posted by cowcow37

when my daughter was molested she was about 8 or 9 I did not know it was going on until she was 16 that's when she told me what had happened... I was not with him then we had already separated... I know what he did is unforgivable but i have always been inlove with him

How did you feel when your daughter told you this? Knowing that this creep-o violated your daughter, disrespected you, spat on her innocence and potentially damaged her for the rest of her life. My question is how can you love someone after knowing this? As a mother I'd be dammed if someone touched my child, that love would have disintegrated as soon as my daughter uttered those words.

but maybe I'm letting it cloud my judgement and i dont want to put my kids in danger ever again... I thanku all for your input it has helped me a great deal ithink I was just wishing it didn't happen but it did and it will always be an issue in our relationship and i will never be able to trust him around the kids

Did you press charges, seek authority about this [sorry if I missed that part]. He is sick, and needs to be put behind bars- it doesn't matter if it was penetration or not he crossed a line.

You shouldn't even trust him at all. He is a liar and scum- he's even worse than the dirt beneath us. No man or woman should give their child's assaulter a second chance- ever!

A relationship with your daughter is far more meaningful than a man, let alone her abuser. If I was your daughter and knew you were going to have a relationship with this man I would write you off, completely.

If this man matters more to you than your daughter, than you two both deserve each other.

:ugh:

Sarah

lighterrr · Apr 20, 2009, 08:34 PM

Mud you said it all, "woman keep your children out of harms way" , stay away from this man. Just the thought of this man being close to your young daughter makes me sick to my stomach, your children deserve to be in a safe home environment.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2009, 09:31 PM

... he was convicted of the 3 offences and was jailed for 18 months

Just so we know he was jailed.

tracyhilton1201 · Apr 21, 2009, 12:26 AM

My mom did this and let me begin by saying... you are an idiot! NEVER let someone back around your children who have hurt them in the past! What does your child say about this?? Mark my words you will regret this... im sick at my stomach just thinking what is going on in your child's head now... THINK BEFORE YOU REALLY DO THAT!! :mad:

tracyhilton1201 · Apr 21, 2009, 12:30 AM

Let me ask you this... are you really that lonely you'd take back a man that went to jail for touching your child?
Omg! Be sooooo glad we don't know each other because im so sick over this... man i have been here and you don't even know... mind you whatever your child is saying to, like they are ok with this and they are fine... they are not! That man broke sooo many rules, bounderies and violated your child in so many ways they are not ok with you bring the bastard back around... your child will grow up to hate you... i know they will take my advice and walk away from him for kids not for yourself... :mad::mad::mad::mad::mad

cowcow37 · Apr 21, 2009, 12:57 AM

Originally Posted by tracyhilton1201

LET ME ASK YOU THIS.....ARE YOU REALLY THAT LONELY YOU'D TAKE BACK A MAN THAT WENT TO JAIL FOR TOUCHING YOUR CHILD??
OMG! BE SOOOOO GLAD WE DONT KNOW EACHOTHER CUZ IM SO SICK OVER THIS...MAN I HAVE BEEN HERE AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW...MIND YOU WHATEVER YOUR CHILD IS SAYING TO, LIKE THEY ARE OK WITH THIS AND THEY ARE FINE.....THEY ARE NOT! THAT MAN BROKE SOOO MANY RULES, BOUNDERIES AND VIOLATED YOUR CHILD IN SO MANY WAYS THEY ARE NOT OK WITH YOU BRING THE BASTARD BACK AROUND....YOUR CHILD WILL GROW UP TO HATE YOU....I KNOW THEY WILL TAKE MY ADVICE AND WALK AWAY FROM HIM FOR KIDS NOT FOR YOURSELF....:mad::mad::mad::mad::mad

I just want to say that I have decided to take your advice and not go back there... I know I was stupid even thinking about it I don't know what I was thinking maybe I just wished it didn't happen but it did and that is something that can never be changed... I have done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking with a great friend of mine and I know what I was going to do would be the worst mistake of my life and my kids mean more to me than any man ever will and it is my job to protect them and by going back to him I am condoning what he has done and will probably do again so thanku so much for everyone's advice it has helped me a great deal and helped me make the right decision..

Jake2008 · Apr 21, 2009, 05:26 AM

It is such a huge relief to read those words cowcow37. You are fortunate to have a good friend to talk this through with, and many concerned people here too.

You can be absolutely sure that the decision you have made is the right one, and you will never have to worry about having that dark shadow over your family again.

You had a moment of weakness where your thinking was not quite as sharp as it probably is at any other time. Love does that to people, we are all blinded by it, no matter what the circumstances.

Personally, very personally, it is a weight off my shoulders too. I was really bothered by this situation, so your decision has put a smile on my face to know you are doing the right thing by your children. :)

I'm really proud of you for being brave enough to post the question, and listen to the answers, and come up with the right solution.

artlady · Apr 21, 2009, 06:23 AM

I don't know if it has been mentioned but I don't see how you could ,by law have a relationship with this man.If he is a convicted pedophile I would think the law would prohibit him from from any contact with minor children.

Clearly,your children will never be able to have other children in the home,ever! He will never be allowed to go to events that involve children.

There is no cure for pedophilia,the most that you can hope for is that the pedophile controls his urges.
Have you taken the time to arm yourself with knowledge so you can protect your children?
Are you aware of the nature of repeat offenses with this type of crime?
Are you aware that your daughters willingness to forgive him could be a psychological problem.

Stockholm Syndrome :
It is not unusual for the child to develop feelings for the predator and desire their approval and continued acceptance. They will compromise their innate ability to decipher good and bad behavior, ultimately justifying the criminal's bad behavior out of sympathy and concern for the adults welfare. This is often compared to Stockholm Syndrome - when victims become attached emotionally to their captors.

Simply because it happened years ago does not mean she is not suffering this very syndrome presently.

There are a multitude of reasons this is a dangerous and unhealthy.

I also have a concern for you that you would feel compelled to resume a relationship with someone who so clearly crossed all the boundaries of trust and respect.It speaks of your own lack of self worth.

Understand everything you can about pedophilia and when you do I think your decision will be clear.No reconciliation is possible!

lighterrr · Apr 21, 2009, 08:30 AM

Originally Posted by cowcow37

i just want to say that i have decided to take ur advice and not go back there....i know i was stupid even thinking about it i dont know wat i was thinking maybe i just wished it didnt happen but it did and that is something that can never be changed......i have done alot of thinking and alot of talking with a great friend of mine and i know wat i was goin to do would be the worst mistake of my life and my kids mean more to me than any man ever will and it is my job to protect them and by going back to him i am condoning wat he has done and will probably do again so thanku so much for everyones advice it has helped me a great deal and helped me make the right decision..

So happy to hear this wise decision you made. You and your children deserve to be safe and have peace of mind.

All the best to you:)

musicianguybrum · Apr 21, 2009, 11:43 AM

No offense but how is he alive after what he did (prison doesn't look kindly on molesters)...

I think you have done fine without him for 13 years, you don't need him, move on with your life, your daughter might pretend she is OK with it, but she could hide her feelings, and that could lead to her doing something she would regret (revenge for the past), or even a reoccurance. Its your life, but I strongly urge you to keep being strong for your family, a family without the child molester!

lighterrr · Apr 21, 2009, 11:49 AM

Cow have you also spoken to a counsellor, or sought out any medical advice for your emotional conflict, may be a good idea. As art lady pointed out I think you may also be an enabler and that's why I think you are so sympathetic to this man.

Wishing you and your kids the best