Ask Me Help Desk - Renewing relationship with a child molester.

Hey I just want to say I was with a man for 14 yrs before I found out he had touched my daughter... he never penetrated her just touched her 3 times but still it was wrong... when I found out I was shocked because I never thought he would do that... we were separated at the time when I found out but we were thinking about getting back together until I found out about what he had done... I was angry at the time and for a couple of yrs later but the last few months I have started allowing him to see the kids... since seeing him I have had a lot of mixed feelings and have thought about being with him again... am I a bad mother if I do go back to him and what sort of a person will people think I am... I am very lost at the moment and I don't know what to do... it has been 13 yrs since the incident went on please is there someone out there that can give me some advice

Moved your question to its own post, for better feedback.

Has he changed, or gotten help? Have your children gotten help? I think he has shown what he is capable of, and I think your daughter will resent you greatly for bringing him back around to keep old wounds open. Is she still in the picture, and did she get some help for his past actions?

I really don't think you should even take a chance with him being around your children, since he is stirring up old feelings in you.

Please give this some thought, as its more important to protect your kids, than renew a relationship with someone who molested your daughter.

Can't give you good rep Talaniman but very sound advice.
Just touching your daughter is bad enough but how do you know it will just be 'touching' in the future?

Why are you allowing him to see your children, particularly the one he molested. How old is this child now? How do you know it was only three times.

Was he ever charged, and convicted? Ordered into treatment? Does he have a past record of sexual abuse with children?

How can you be certain there weren't more victims, recently.

This is not a safe situation for your family. You indicate that you wonder what people will think. For one thing, you are considering allowing this criminal back into the household, and it sounds like he is 'known'. I would think anybody would be concerned.

What he has done, cannot be undone. To have your daughter face this monster and bring the past back into focus will reverse and destroy any sense of security she has, and trust in you. Think about her future.

I personally believe, and this is only my opinion here, that once a pedophile, always a pedophile. To allow him access to his (past) victims, and give him a role of 'father' puts far more power in his control over your family, than he should ever, ever have.

Please reconsider what you are thinking of doing. For your own sake as well think about the consequences of this relationship on your family, particularly your daughter.

This man has done enough damage.

I am sorry I can't believe people, he molested your child and you will allow him to still see them. The only seeing should be on visiting day at the local prision where he is serving time.

Of course you don't allow a person known to be like this around your children ever, if there is a court order for supervised visits you may have no choice but personally I may even defy a court order in a case like this.

I agree with friar chuck, also where you abused as a child? Cause I think you are a little overly understanding to this child molester. Does your daughter feel comfortable around this man? Have you asked her how she feels about seeing him and having him around?

WOW.

Hello?! Are you trying to justify his behavior?

Quote:

he never penetrated her just touched her 3 times but still it was wrong

.

JUST! JUST. It's like your saying "Oh he JUST did it.."
Definition of JUST: merely, and nothing more; "I was merely asking"; "it is simply a matter of time"; "just a scratch"; "he was only a child"; "hopes that last but a moment"

I'm sorry but you got to be one sick s.o.b to even consider that thought. This hits me so close to home- wow. You and your daughter need to seek some psychological attention!

Imagine what your daughter would feel if you were to go back to her molester- you know the one who took her innocence, the one who scarred her for life.

It doesn't matter how long it's been. It could've been 57 years ago, he violated YOUR child. You didn't think it was going to happen then what makes you think it's not going to happen now?

You got to be kidding me lady.

Sarah

Mudd I agree totally

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexyy010

Hello dear
i want you to know that you are very special person who can be loved
again. i really love to be your friend. i want a relationship that is full of love and understanding. am a caring person that is full of love.i really want us to be friends cos i believe that you will find me a very interesting person to be with. i really do desire a serious relationship from you.am a loving person that really seeks a good relationship that will lead us to marriage.i know that you are a beautiful person because beauty starts from the heart. please feel free to contact me via email [email protected]

Baby i want you to know that you are the sweetest thing that

has ever happened to me. i want you to get back to me for am already
loving you from here.am seeking a real and geniue person that will love
me and i will love her to.

WHAT:eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by sexyy010

Hello dear
i want you to know that you are very special person who can be loved
again. i really love to be your friend. i want a relationship that is full of love and understanding. am a caring person that is full of love.i really want us to be friends cos i believe that you will find me a very interesting person to be with. i really do desire a serious relationship from you.am a loving person that really seeks a good relationship that will lead us to marriage.i know that you are a beautiful person because beauty starts from the heart. please feel free to contact me via email [email protected]

Baby i want you to know that you are the sweetest thing that

has ever happened to me. i want you to get back to me for am already
loving you from here.am seeking a real and geniue person that will love
me and i will love her to.

This person is in now way able to have a relationship at this time, her mentality is busted. By the way AMHD isn't a dating site. I would reddie you but I'm not sure if I can!

Sarah

Once again, ask your daughter how she feels, thinks about this.
If he hasn't been seeing any one, then he doesn't sound very safe. He is only human and yes we make mistakes, but your chilren need you to be strong and keep them safe from those who hurt them. Not to bring them closer to the predators.

Please, ignore what you feel for him, and focus on your daughter. Would you let him do that again? Could you forgive yourself if he did it again? Would your daughter forgive you? What if she has developed a sexual pervertion as it is? A child can learn terrible things from such an experience, and now she may even like that idea. (this is due to the assotiation of pleasure with an adult/older man touching her, depending on where and how he touched her and various other factors.)

This is a very very sensative issue. Be sure you aren't allowing your emotions for him cloud your judgement to protect your children. You already know what you need to do, don't you? Trust that little voice inside, and not that feeling of desire.

Most importantly, trust yourself.

Peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

This person is in now way able to have a relationship at this time, her mentality is busted. By the way AMHD isn't a dating site. I would reddie you but I'm not sure if I can!

Sarah

I've already RIPed it . This person has a couple of identities now :rolleyes:

I RIPed it too M.

Wow, there are some pretty sick tickets in this world! :(

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

I RIPed it too M.

Wow, there are some pretty sick tickets in this world! :(

What is Ripped? Sick tickets? What is that, I've never heard that be for?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nestorian

What is Ripped?? Sick tickets?? what is that, i've never heard that be for??

RIPing something is "reporting inappropriate post".

Sick tickets is my cute way of saying nut job! ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Why are you allowing him to see your children, particularly the one he molested. How old is this child now? How do you know it was only three times.

Was he ever charged, and convicted? Ordered into treatment? Does he have a past record of sexual abuse with children?

How can you be certain there weren't more victims, recently.

This is not a safe situation for your family. You indicate that you wonder what people will think. For one thing, you are considering allowing this criminal back into the household, and it sounds like he is 'known'. I would think anybody would be concerned.

What he has done, cannot be undone. To have your daughter face this monster and bring the past back into focus will reverse and destroy any sense of security she has, and trust in you. Think about her future.

I personally believe, and this is only my opinion here, that once a pedophile, always a pedophile. To allow him access to his (past) victims, and give him a role of 'father' puts far more power in his control over your family, than he should ever, ever have.

Please reconsider what you are thinking of doing. For your own sake as well think about the consequences of this relationship on your family, particularly your daughter.

This man has done enough damage.

My daughter is now 20 and he isn't the biological father to her but he is to my 4 other children... I haven't allowed him to see his children for 4 yrs and they have suffered because they don't know what he has done... I have spoken to my daughter about how she feels about him seeing his children and she said she doesn't have a problem with it she even asked if she could talk to him on the phone because she said she wants to be friends with him instead of having hate for him which I think she is very strong for doing so... he was convicted of the 3 offences and was jailed for 18 months he was a very heavy drinker and was drunk at the time of the crime he has sought help for himself I am not condoning what he has done at all and I am not screwed up like you all think

Never said you where screwed up, but it seems your daughter has moved on and does not appear to be too scared from the abuse. I assume she gotten counseling. But that does not mean you should expose your children without appropriate supervision with this man. I think you have become very complacent and may not be able to detect any wrong doings this man may or may not do to your children. Yes he is their father and they should have a relationship with him, but it has to be closely monitored. i.e they should not be left alone with this man. He can easily re-offend.

How old are the children in question? Also are they boys or girls? This is just my opinion I don't think these kids deserve to be put in harms way. I think once someone displays pedophile characteristics its pretty much their for life. Don't in danger your kids. Some lines in this life are never meant to be crossed and sexually abusing children is definitely one of them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cowcow37

my daughter is now 20 and he isnt the biological father to her but he is to my 4 other children...i havent allowed him to see his children for 4 yrs and they have suffered because they dont know wat he has done...i have spoken to my daughter about how she feels about him seeing his children and she said she doesnt have a problem with it she even asked if she could talk to him on the phone because she said she wants to be friends with him instead of having hate for him which i think she is very strong for doing so...he was convicted of the 3 offences and was jailed for 18 months he was a very heavy drinker and was drunk at the time of the crime he has seeked help for himself i am not condoning wat he has done at all and i am not screwed up like u all think

I don't think you are "screwed up", but this situation is rather complicated, as I"m sure you can agree. Other wise, why would you have come here. Now we know a little more of the story. A necessity when giving any advice.

She wants to be friends with him? That would seem like a good Idea, but has she forgiven him? Or is there some other reason behind her desire to befriend him? (Do not read into what I Ask here, "I say what I mean and mean what I say."- Nicole a friend of my who is a teacher.) Did she give a reason for her forgivness of him?

"... was a very heavy drinker and was drunk at the time of the crime he has sought help for himself."-you Does this mean he doesn't drink at all? Because any one who acts under the influence of a Drug, yes alcohol is a drug, is still responsible for their actions. Even if you find that some one who drinks is not responsible for how they act while under the influence, just remember they had to choose to take that drink in the first place. One consequence leads to another. I"m afraid I have no solid proof of this, only my own moral belief.
What kind of help did he get, and how does he act now? What changed, how did he change? What took over for the alcohol addiction? (you said a very heavy drinker) Does he pray, exercis, walk, paint, play music, or something?

YOu have to choose this for yourself, but please do not be angry with us as we gave you our best analysis, and our most logical response based upon what you gave us, which was not much I'll admit but that quite all right, our morals, values, beliefs, and what ever information we can draw upon.

All I hope for you, is to be careful, keep your kids safe, respect yourself/daughter/ex. Also, be mindful that this may be hard to deal with. Also, you may consider telling your kids what their Father has done, they do have a right to know as they are living with him. (No offence but his or not, sober or not, they are children.)

At any rate, peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lighterrr

never said you where screwed up, but it seems your daughter has moved on and does not appear to be too scared from the abuse. I assume she gotten counseling. But that does not mean you should expose your children without appropriate supervision with this man. I think you have become very complacent and may not be able to detect any wrong doings this man may or may not do to your children. Yes he is their father and they should have a relationship with him, but it has to be closely monitored. i.e they should not be left alone with this man. He can easily re-offend.

How old are the children in question? also are they boys or girls? This is just my opinion I dont think these kids deserve to be put in harms way. I think once someone displays pedophile characteristics its pretty much their for life. Don't in danger your kids. Some lines in this life are never meant to be crossed and sexually abusing children is definitely one of them.

The ages of my other 4 children are a girl that is nearly 15 a boy that is nearly 13 another boy that is 8 and a girl that is 5... my daughter never wanted counseling I tried to get her to go but she wouldn't... when he got out of jail he went to counseling and also went to a rehab facility and has since been getting a lot of help from there... I understand what you all are saying about keeping an eye on him and there is a part of me that loves him very much but there is also a part of me that keeps saying why did he do such a horrible act... I am scared of the consequences of my actions if we do start a relationship I don't want to lose my other kids through children's services... I haven't as yet started a relationship with him he lives about 4 hours away from us and I still have not let him know where we are living so at the moment I am still deciding on what to do because in the longrun it is my kids that I care about the most

Quote:

Originally Posted by cowcow37

my daughter is now 20 and he isnt the biological father to her but he is to my 4 other children...i havent allowed him to see his children for 4 yrs and they have suffered because they dont know wat he has done...i have spoken to my daughter about how she feels about him seeing his children and she said she doesnt have a problem with it she even asked if she could talk to him on the phone because she said she wants to be friends with him instead of having hate for him which i think she is very strong for doing so...he was convicted of the 3 offences and was jailed for 18 months he was a very heavy drinker and was drunk at the time of the crime he has seeked help for himself i am not condoning wat he has done at all and i am not screwed up like u all think

Your question was, "Renewing relationship with a child molester." That was your question, posted to get responses. Now seriously, had you read that question posted by someone else, what would you think.

He has done time for three convictions of child molestation. Nobody takes the fact that he was a drinker into consideration as some sort of bizarre excuse for the behaviour. It is not the alcohol that changed this man into a child molester. He was a child molester with or without alcohol, for all three assaults on your daughter. Do you honestly think that there were only three? Or is it more likely than not that he was only caught and convicted of three.

He is not only a convicted child molester, but a convicted child molester with a drinking problem. His drinking did not make a shmick of difference as to what he did. He knew what he was doing. He was a conscious individual making a choice to molest a child, three times, that we know of.

That your daughter doesn't have a problem with him, now that she's 20 years old, does not mean that HE is no longer a pedophile, and convicted child molester.

That he is not the 'bilogical' father, does not make him less of a father to her, than he was to the other children, and it does not change the fact that he is a convicted child molester.

There were three molestations of your daughter, and you make it sound like it was minor and inconsequential, however, he was convicted as a pedophile on all three counts.

That she wishes to talk to him on the phone may be to appease you, and is absolutely the most irrisponsible thing you can allow her to do. She says she wants to 'be friends' with him, instead of 'hate him', shows me she has not yet had any, or enough, counselling to deal with what happened to her. By you wanting to bring him back into your life, will have her facing her worst nightmare, without the support of her mother, because you want to believe that she is strong, and that somehow, she must have got over what he did to her. Not to mention the fact that if this young woman is friends with him, it is a green light for you.

Think about it. She wants to be friends with a convicted child molester, and SHE was the victim, your daughter! And you don't think this is screwed up??

He has sought 'help' for himself you say. You mean to tell me that he wasn't ordered into treatment? When he was jailed for molesting your daughter, did he attended counselling because he was ordered to? You make it sound like he is remorseful and when he got out, he went for counselling. I don't buy it for a nano second.

I don't know if anybody can get through to you, and that is very sad. When I asked you to reconsider what you are thinking of doing, and that is renewing a relationship with him, I was encouraging you to think rationally about everything. I had hoped that a little smack of reality from the answers I knew you'd get, would have you thinking "what on earth was I thinking", but apparently, you are bent on not listening to the truth.

You must be a terribly lonely person to settle for a convicted pedophile, and I do feel sorry for you. Why, even if it had not been your child that was his victim, you would settle for a convicted child offender is beyond me.

While he may have grown up knowing that it was wrong, immoral, and intellectually bankrupt to molest a child for sexual gratification, he did it anyway. I would even suggest that it is possible he got with you in the first place, because you had a small child, and that was an opportunity for him. They are predators after all. He had to get past you, to get at her.

And despite all of that which is known about repeat offenders, you still have this man as some sort of valuable, or potentially valuable, person in your life.

There will be no 'normal' relationship with any of your children, ever. To pick the lowest form of a male influence for them, is just mind boggling to me. To subject them to this, regardless of how old they are, is purely selfish on your part. You as an adult can make your own choices, but consider that that will never be the case, ever, that this decision you make, is not the wrong one, for every single one of your children.

I urge you to get counselling before you make the second biggest mistake of your life.

The first mistake of course, was allowing him in the first time.