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starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 05:34 AM

Hello my friends at AMHD,

Well, it looks like my insecurities are in full force once again. My boyfriend had to leave this morning on a business trip and I am a little nervous. I'll explain. He is going with a bunch of people from his office, mostly men, and my boyfriend is a bit of a flirt. He also reassures me when my insecurities surface that he is not the cheating kind, but he flirts, which he assures me is harmless. I do trust him, it is just my insecurities play a big part in my fears. I know after they do their work for the day they will be going out to eat somewhere, and I know that all the guys talk 'guy talk' (for instance 'would you do her' when a pretty girl is in the vacinity) etc. But none of these guys I don't think would act on it. My boyfriend goes with me to therapy most of the time when he can, to really be supportive of my trying to get over my low self esteem and insecurties. I am also nervous because when he drinks he gets even more flirtatious and acts like a bit of an a$$ with me. Granted, he is away and he may drink, but I am really nervous and I don't want to give him SH&^ especially while he is away, and when he gets home. How do I be that loving girlfriend that he would be happy to come home to? And, when guys flirt, does that mean that they will cheat or stray?

Thanks guys,
Starlite

Romefalls19 · Mar 30, 2009, 05:45 AM

Hey Star, nope if guys flirt it doesn't mean we are going to stray. I'll admit, at times I could be taken as a flirt, my fiancé tells me it ALL the time. She said I was a huge flirt when her and I first started talking. I don't see it, I just see it at me being friendly and trying to get to know people. Most people don't realize they are flirting, unless it's obvious(touching body and such) but I've never done that when I was unavailable. Your guy sounds trustworthy, so give him the benefit of the doubt

My therapist told me two things about cheating and love. First one, love is like sand, if you hold it loosely it stays in your hand, if you squeeze it too tight it slips right through your fingertips. The second one, if someone wants to cheat, they are going to. No rules, boundaries or chains are going to hold them. The best thing we can do, is to trust them not to cheat as they trust us not to cheat.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 05:48 AM

Hi Rome,

Thank you so much. I am here at work, literally on the verge of tears. I am thinking what if a pretty girl that he is attracted to flirts with him, especially if he has a couple of drinks? And also, I haven't been the model girlfriend lately. We have been fighting because of me contantly asking for reassurence of his love and faithfullness. I hope I didn't cause him to want to be with someone else, long term or a one night stand.

kctiger · Mar 30, 2009, 05:54 AM

Most guys do NOT flirt as a means to an end. I do it, first and foremost, to just have fun and get to know people. I would NEVER cheat on a girl I was with, no matter what the situation. Your guy is most likely the same way. MOST guys simply do not cheat, it is just a numbers game on this website, as it appears to be that way.

Just know you are good enough to have him as your boyfriend and that he obviously loves you the way you are. Enjoy, don't over think or over analyze! You will be fine!

Romefalls19 · Mar 30, 2009, 05:59 AM

I doubt it, and about the drinks. Trust me, there are people that can actually control themselves after they have had a few. I had more than a few at a wedding for my friend last year(part of the wedding party so you know the deal) and I was dating my fiancé at the time but she was unable to accompany me. I had a few girls come up to me wanting me to spend the night in their hotel room. I knew what I had waiting for me is more than enough for me. I was in love, wanted only her and I just continued to have fun at the wedding dancing and having a good time. After I was done, I went home and she ended up coming over later that night.

BTW, more than a few for me meant 22 beers and 5 shots. People can be trusted with alcohol, believe me.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:00 AM

Thank you KC, so much. How do I stop obsessing about this? Also, he is so gorgeous to me, and I don't want to ever lose him to someone else. My low self esteem has me thinking that he is too gorgeous and I'm not in his league.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:01 AM

Thanks Rome, and that is so cool that you didn't give those girls a second thought. You are awesome! :-)

Romefalls19 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:04 AM

My way of thinking has always been, what I have at home is always better than some pretty face. I would never want to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. Personally, give your man the benefit of the doubt. When he comes home, give him a big hug and kiss.

When you have these thoughts, write them down on a piece of paper. Wait an hour and then look at it again. I know when I do that, I think to myself, what the hell was I so angry/worried about

liz28 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:07 AM

Starlite I think you need to relax. Take a deep breathe.

I think this business trip of his is a good thing. If you trust him and trust that he isn't going cheat than why even think it? You should know that your pretty too and if he didn't want to be with you, don't you think he would be man enough to admit it?

Stop shredding tears and getting yourself worked up for nothing. Get your girls together and have fun and stop thinking the worst.

I am sorry to say this but insecurites is the fastest way to kill a relationship. Use some of the tools your therapist thought you and know everything is going to be all right.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:07 AM

Thanks Rome, and my therapist also suggested I do that as well. When he calls also, I will not even mention anything of my insecureties either.

talaniman · Mar 30, 2009, 06:08 AM

Relax Star, do you need some retail therapy or something?

See this as some time for yourself, to be good to yourself. Keep your attitude positive and don't think about what he is doing, but what can you do for yourself.

Don't sit, and think, focus on actions, not feelings.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:09 AM

Thank you Liz, you are right. And that is what I don't want to ever do (kill the relationship). I want to be the strong woman who he would be proud of, and not have these stupid thoughts.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:10 AM

Thank you Tal, you are right. And as a side note, retail therapy may help too! ;-)

artlady · Mar 30, 2009, 06:14 AM

All the worry in the world isn't going to change the outcome of anything.

If a man is going to stray,your wishing it so won't do a bit of good.

This may sounds strange but there is a part of a prayer that I pray so often because it gets me through some very difficult times. I am not trying to preach ,I simply think its good advice.

God (or whoever) grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:15 AM

Also, after we kissed each other good bye this morning, as soon as I got into my car I called him and left him a message that I miss him already and to have a safe trip. Well, he wasn't able to answer when I called, so he called back (not listening to my message before doing so) and he was angry and asked what I wanted. I just told him that I left him a message to have a nice trip and I miss him already. He said that I just left 5 minutes ago, and he thought that I got in an accident or something. He wasn't expecting to hear from me so fast I guess. Anyway he said in an angry voice "don't call me until I call you first" because he was going to drive and head up with his co-workers. He was angry though.

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:17 AM

Thank you Artlady. That is a beautiful prayer. I will use it, thank you.

liz28 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:27 AM

Since he already knows about your insecurities he probably thought you was calling to give him some sort of guilt trip.

What your tone with him once you know he was going to be taking this trip?

starlite1 · Mar 30, 2009, 06:34 AM

My tone was okay, but a little nervous, I will admit.
Do you think that is why this morning he told me not to call him until I heard from him first?

talaniman · Mar 30, 2009, 07:54 AM

YEP!! We all have limits.

Romefalls19 · Mar 30, 2009, 07:57 AM

Yep, maybe he didn't feel like being angry on his trip or feeling guilty. So he will call when he calms down