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G383 · Mar 24, 2009, 07:56 PM

So I have been dating a guy for a year now. When we first started dating I told him EVERYTHING about my past, I didn't hide anything, or hold anything back from him.

One thing I made clear--my best friend is a guy. We ALMOST dated, never anything serious... but regardless he is my best friend, and no boyfriend will ever change that.

My boyfriend agreed and understood. The next time I wanted to hang out with my friend, my boyfriend hit the roof, set an ultimatum, and told me that if I ever talked to my friend again we COULD'NT date, he just could not mentally handle it.

Although I have seen my friend a few times since then, which my boyfriend knew about... each time we have fought, screamed, cried and everything in between. I have since given up on talking to and seeing my friend, he was my best friend all through high school and college and I miss him more than anything, every day! All my favorite memories were with him!

I am afraid of breaking up with my boyfriend--aside from this and being slightly overprotective when I go out with friends, he is perfect.

Is this worth losing my best friend over?
Am I wrong to want to see my friend, even considering we almost dated?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

jjwoodhull · Mar 24, 2009, 08:02 PM

You are not wrong to want to see your best friend. Good friends are hard to come by - especially as you get older. Your boyfriend is acting irrational and is being really unfair to you.

You say he is perfect, but he sounds controlling and immature.

First, you need to apologize to your friend for blowing him off. Then you need to explain to your boyfriend that the friend is a very important person in your life and you are not willing to give him up. Ask your boyfriend to spend time with the two of you. Maybe they get to know each other, your boyfriend will see the innocence of the friendship.

HighandDryinnNy · Mar 24, 2009, 08:08 PM

Perfect comes and goes. Dump his butt and let him know you don't need a control freak in your life.
And it sounds like this best friend of yours is pretty important to you, maybe you are looking for love in the wrong direction.

mudweiser · Mar 25, 2009, 12:53 AM

You need to find it in your heart whether it's the right decision or not.

Is your boyfriend controlling in other aspects besides male friends? Does he try to control you in other things? If so this relationship is not a very good one to be in! You do not want to live a life with a parole officer, soon enough you'll get tired of it and you'll have no friends to turn to once you decide to terminate the relationship... or should I say the dictatorship.

If this is the only thing that bothers him, the fact that your best friend is a male try introducing them. If they already have been introduced and both parties dislike each other I really do not see anything else you can do but think with your heart.

I used to have a male best friend that my husband was uncomfortable with and well to be honest I chose my husband over him, and well I'm still with my husband after all this time and I don't regret it.

MRS.S

DoulaLC · Mar 25, 2009, 04:55 AM

Would your boyfriend let you choose who he could and couldn't be friends with?

Try, one more time, to explain that he has nothing to worry about, that you have been best friends with this guy for a very long time, that you are not interested in dating him, etc. try to get them together so they can get to know each other... see if that makes a difference. If your boyfriend won't even entertain the idea, continues to get angry when you see your friend or tries to stop you from talking to him, that should give you plenty to think about.

You've been best friends with this guy through high school and college, and would like to have him continue to be a good friend... you've been with your boyfriend for one year.

kctiger · Mar 25, 2009, 05:34 AM

Screw explaining, this is stupid. Why do you owe your boyfriend a sit down to discuss this? Your friend was there way before your boyfriend was, and I am sorry, but boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, PERIOD. Friends, good friends, that is hard to find. If your boyfriend has some serious insecurity issues, then that is his problem. It is not his place to sit you down and make you choose between him and your friend.

Relationships are not about choosing a friend over someone, or vice versa. We are talking about humans, not cars, not pets, but humans. He needs to grow up and handle his own problems. Everyone on this thread that spits that stupid, "Have a sit down or introduce him to your friends" stuff needs to get real! You need to tell your boyfriend to hit the gym or something, maybe then he can feel a bit more secure about himself.

I realize that insecurity is an issue, but the way he handles it is just immature as hell. Perhaps, if he doesn't throw temper tantrums like a baby, you should take the time to have a civilized conversation, but until then, I wouldn't give him the time of day.

I wish · Mar 25, 2009, 05:59 AM

Is your boyfriend is willing to control who you can be friends with... and we're talking about your best friend, which is a huge deal to you, he's going to want to control everything else in your life. Is this the kind of relationship that you want?

I know he's given you an ultimatum, but if you want to make this work, BOTH of you have to compromise.

It sounds like a much bigger issue than controlling. My ex girlfriend maybe 4-5 really close friends. Only one of them was a girl and the others were all guys. It didn't bother me because I trust her and we didn't even break up because of those friends. I think he has a huge lack of trust in you.

kctiger · Mar 25, 2009, 06:00 AM

The issue seems to be his blatant insecurities, which isn't a quick fix. It will take understanding on your part, and true hard work of self control on his part...

I was the same way with my girlfriend (EX) when we first started dating. I mean, I was an absolute baby sometimes. It just took a lot of hard work on my part (talking about my issue with friends, talking to a counselor), and she was really, really understanding, and patient with me. Sometimes I look back and wonder how in the hell my ex ever dated me...

inertia · Mar 25, 2009, 06:02 AM

Actually, I have a different take. You said that you and this guy almost dated right? So at one point in time there was mutual attraction. I'll come back to this point. As a guy (don't know if I'll get flamed for this) I'm fine with girls having guy friends as long as they are honest about the situation. What I have experienced though is that girls don't like to admit that their guy friends would (given the opportunity) sleep with them in a minute. Instead, they say no, it's not like that, he has a g/f or whatever. Then us boyfriends meet him. He tickles you or makes little inside jokes and shows off his intimate (yet platonic) relationship with our girlfriend. Us guys have a really good radar (most of the time) indicating whether these guy friends harbor secret (or open) crushes. My last g/f had some guy friends. Some were definitely just platonic. Some weren't. The frustration comes when you say "hey honey, I think Bill has got a little crush on you" and we hear, "no he doesn't, we are just friends". If we heard "yeah, it's innocent or not reciprocated" it wouldn't be an issue. In all honesty, does this guy still like you? Either way, your boyfriend is acting childish in his behavior and KC Tiger is right on. My last g/f was able to admit to which friends liked her a "bit more" and which didn't. Makes trusting so much easier. The alternative is that you don't see it, your b/f does and he thinks you are naïve. If there is no attraction from either party, tell your boyfriend to either grow up or take a hike.

I wish · Mar 25, 2009, 06:04 AM

But if you trust your girlfriend, then even if 100 guys hit on her, we shouldn't feel bothered by it.

kctiger · Mar 25, 2009, 06:11 AM

Originally Posted by I wish

But if you trust your gf, then even if 100 guys hit on her, we shouldn't feel bothered by it.

It isn't a matter of should... it is reality. I had no problems with me ex getting hit on, but there were times it bothered me, especially if I was right there with her, in which case I would make a fairly big deal about it to the dude doing the "hitting" and then he would be walking home with his tale between his legs... just a matter of respect...

We can all "say" we don't really care, but when push comes to shove, it can and will bother us from time to time. We are guys, that stuff is just in our DNA... no matter how much we deny it.

I wish · Mar 25, 2009, 06:17 AM

Originally Posted by kctiger

It isn't a matter of should...it is reality. I had no problems with me ex getting hit on, but there were times it bothered me, especially if I was right there with her, in which case I would make a fairly big deal about it to the dude doing the "hitting" and then he would be walking home with his tale between his legs...just a matter of respect...

We can all "say" we don't really care, but when push comes to shove, it can and will bother us from time to time. We are guys, that stuff is just in our DNA...no matter how much we deny it.

When it's obvious, we're not going to ignore it. I agree that there is no absolute, it bothers some people more and some people less. There are so many other things to worry about in life that it seems a bit insignificant to me.

Jealousy = Insecurity
Trust > Jealousy

I would trust my significant other to take my feelings into consideration. If she goes overboard, then it's a breach of trust and we have a bigger problem than just that one guy hitting on her.

inertia · Mar 25, 2009, 06:24 AM

The issue isn't guys hitting on her. The issue is whether she is honest about her awareness of her friend's intentions. In my eyes, girls who deny that certain guy friends are not attracted to them (when it's obvious that they are) can't be trusted. There is nothing wrong with saying "yeah, I know he likes me but I'm not interested. Come on guys. We have all played the friend's angle at least once (in my case, when I was much much younger and a lot dumber). We do have true platonic friendships as well. We have seen these guys. They pretend to be a girlfriend to your girlfriend and we see right through them. It's not a matter of whether your girl will cheat. It's a matter of honesty. That make sense?

inertia · Mar 25, 2009, 07:00 AM

Jealousy = Insecurity

Oh come on. Jealousy is perfectly normal. No one is above it. If it is out of hand then you have an issue. So many people on this forum act like they don't get jealous because it's soooo insecure. That's a cover. It's an uncontrollable emotional response. Maturity and confidence come in to play in how you handle it.

"Trust > Jealousy"?

Trust is earned, not tested in a loving relationship. Jealousy can be independent of trust.

wiki: is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values.

If you value something. You don't want to lose it. If you have a job that you love and your boss starts interviewing candidates with ivy league degrees... you may get jealous. If you don't, maybe you don't care.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 25, 2009, 08:35 AM

Hello inertia, I beg to differ with your point. Jealousy = emotional energy spent on worrying about things that "may" happen in the future. Typically, guys who get jealous easily have insecurity issues because they feel that other guys may appear more interesting or be better than them. A man who is truly confident in himself will feel no jealousy because deep down he knows he is a better man and has more to offer than other potential suitors - it isn't a matter of being a cover at all. You are ultimately in charge of what you feel or how you react to a given situation so if you feel jealous over something that's all on you. Don't get me wrong though, if the woman in my relationship ever intentionally tried to make me jealous I'd dump her rather quickly because I am above playing those kind of games.

To comment on your job example, I am extremely confident in my ability to do my job quite well that I have nothing to worry about if such a thing ever happened - also one more key point here is that I'm also confident I would have NO problem whatsoever getting a job in my field quickly as well due to my ability. You see, a truly confident man has options - in both love and other aspects of his life.

Back to your question though G383 - you set the ground rules at the beginning of the relationship right? Even though you say he "agreed and understood" it really looks like he didn't. You made this point FROM THE BEGINNING and as far as I'm concerned, he is totally in the wrong here. Stop wasting your time and energy arguing with him about it because it doesn't look like he'll back down anytime soon. Do you really need this kind of drama in your life?

My advice is to not put up with this silliness and dump him. A good friend is someone who will stick with you throughout your life. Is it worth giving up that friendship for some guy who has controlling and jealousy issues?

spitvenom · Mar 25, 2009, 08:39 AM

Pick your friend. He knew about your friend going into this.

DoulaLC · Mar 25, 2009, 08:41 AM

You are assuming this guy has intentions of being more than friends at this point. Since they have known each other through high school and college, odds are they had ample opportunity to date if they were going to.

If she wants to stay in the relationship with her boyfriend and remain good friends with her guy friend, she should try all that she can to help her boyfriend understand that she is not interested in dating her best friend. If he still can't accept it, and becomes so bothered by her wanting to talk and see her friend, she can choose to stay with him, knowing she will have trouble spending time with her friend, or she can choose to let him go and be open to finding some else.

G383 · Mar 25, 2009, 08:42 AM

Thanks guys..

My boyfriend has met my friend once, where they said no more than a hello to eachother--and this was before we were dating.

My boyfriend refuses to meet my friend any further, and therefore can't make a judgement on whether he likes or trusts him, and I know he would if he would given the chance. I have been perfectly honest with my boyfriend, my friend and I had a thing for each other in high school, but seriously--it was a while ago, we know we could never be more than friends--and we have both acknowledged that. I do not lie to my boyfriend, I am always up front with him, besides this we have an outstanding relationship.

Things go through my head all the time like "omg, i'll never have fun like i did in high school" and "what if we DO SOMEHOW get married, my BEST FRIEND won't be able to come to my wedding??!!"... etc...

I am afraid if I stay with my boyfriend, I will regret losing my best friend and resent my boyfriend for it... and to me that is just not something I want to happen. However, I love everything else about my boyfriend and I would be so heartbroken if I didn't stay with him, I feel like I am lucky enough to have found a great guy.

I don't know what to do.

kctiger · Mar 25, 2009, 08:43 AM

Tell your boyfriend to grow up... send his a$$ to some counseling.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 25, 2009, 08:47 AM

I understand the dilemma you face and how you may be feeling quite conflicted over this. The one thing you might want to focus on here though is that relationships should add to your already existing life. It sounds to me like your boyfriend doesn't even want to make the effort to get to know your best friend. In my opinion, our significant others should be able to integrate into the lives we already have - not conflict with them.