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jcsaunders · Feb 28, 2009, 06:16 PM

Help My Gf of 2 yrs told me when we first got together that she was abused as a child by her father and never really said 2 much more on the subject, I never asked any questions about it as I didn't want to upset her. Now 2 yrs later it has come back with a vengeance and she is really depressed. To the point of wanting to self harm. She tells me she loves me. But doesn't know if she is in love with me. She told me today (of her own accord) what her father did and she feels that because of what happened that it is affecting how she feels about me. One minute she loves me the next she won't talk to me. We went to the doctor and he gave anti depresant tablets and she is seeking counseling and I want to stand by her 100% but she keeps pushing me away. I give her space and try to cheer her up but my efforts are failing. Can anyone advise me on the best approach please

talaniman · Feb 28, 2009, 09:08 PM

Sometimes the best support is just to be there, and say nothing, and be a listener, when they need it.

I wish · Feb 28, 2009, 10:25 PM

Reading your post made me relive a past relatonship. I had a girlfriend with the same problems and we broke up after 2 years.

Her problems continuously got in the way of the relationship, even though it was not my fault, as is your case. I don't know what the solution is, but after breaking up with my girlfriend, I can tell you what she said to me.

Like what talaniman said, just be there to support her and listen to her. Hug her as often as you can. You don't need to solve all her problems, just "listen." I can't emphasize that part more. I tried to help my girlfriend solve her problems, but all she really wants is for someone to listen to her.

As for the "like" you one day and "not like" you the next. I had the same problem and I couldn't take it, so that's one of the reasons we broke up. I had no security in the relationship.

talaniman · Mar 1, 2009, 07:28 AM

Some times we care so much and want to help, but don't know how. The worse thing you can do is be in the way of a person solving their own problems. Its hard in the long run. Patients and some balance in your thinking goes a long way, but knowing when enough is enough is a hard call to make.

chuff · Mar 1, 2009, 11:25 AM

It sounds like she's afraid of committing fully to the relationship because she feels if she does then a possible break up will put her right back into loving her father and then being rejected. The irony is, she is self destructing before the relationship ends as a safety measure for herself. I would follow what Tal said and also point out to her that you are not your father and your record of consistentacy speaks for itself. I would also give her a list of reasons you would break up with her, cheating, verbal abuse, etc. and tell her those would the be reasons for a break up and anything else she has nothing to worry about. Her father never gave her any guidelines so give her some of your own.