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juliop · Jan 25, 2009, 02:08 AM

She was going to college. She met this 23 years old guy in a cruise in the summer of 2007. In the fall she left home to leave with him in a different state. My wife and I were heartbroken. We did not know where she was. After a couple of days , I tracked her down, met her she did not want to come home. She had no car, money. I had an encounter with the boyfriend. There was nothing I could do. For 3 months boyfriend support her. I must indicate that while she was living with us, she had a nice home, cell phone, a car and a good family and A + gpa in college and needed only one semester to graduate. She found a job and had to take a bus, my wife and I brought her car that we paid for to make her a little easy.there was no much comunication. She kept going to school but could not continue. Months went by and had to take several trips to see her. Nothing was accomplished. Last December, I went to her apt and took the boyfriend out for dinner and negotiate with him to influence my daughter to come home at least for one semester to finish her school and perhaps after that she can go back. My daughter is now home and began her last semester in College. However she has changed, she is not the same person when she lived with us . The boyfriend is a total looser, no job now, no education, and has a criminal record when he was a teenager. As a father is difficult to have a relationship with him. We are continuing paying for her cell phone and car insurance. She does not open to us like she is blocked, no symptoms of abuse

Any comments please

rush2aaman · Jan 25, 2009, 02:43 AM

Your daughter is adult now. So feel free now.

artlady · Jan 25, 2009, 03:04 AM

You need to sit her down and have a pow wow. Open ,honest, talk and tell her your concerns.Just say *we are getting to the bottom of this* and I want to know what is going on. With love and acceptance and the assurance that she can tell you anything. No judgment.

If you never had good communication and were never open and honest together its not going to happen overnight.

It starts from day one with kids and you have to let them know that they can tell you anything.

Show her you are willing to try to understand what is happening,even if you don't understand her lifestyle or anything at least let her know you want to try.

Tell her you love her and are so worried and feeling so lost.
She has to understand you have feelings too.You are suffering and you should express that to your daughter.

Talk,no yelling ,no recriminations,no I told you so's talk to her like a friend and not a parent.

You have to be both

juliop · Jan 25, 2009, 10:27 AM

Originally Posted by artlady

You need to sit her down and have a pow wow. Open ,honest, talk and tell her your concerns.Just say *we are getting to the bottom of this* and I want to know what is going on. With love and acceptance and the assurance that she can tell you anything. No judgment.

If you never had good communication and were never open and honest together its not going to happen overnight.

It starts from day one with kids and you have to let them know that they can tell you anything.

Show her you are willing to try to understand what is happening,even if you don't understand her lifestyle or anything at least let her know you want to try.

Tell her you love her and are so worried and feeling so lost.
She has to understand you have feelings too.You are suffering and you should express that to your daughter.

Talk,no yelling ,no recriminations,no I told you so's talk to her like a friend and not a parent.

You have to be both

Yes, you are right, I would like to add that we are doing that. She never ask us for anything and that bothers us. Because when she was gone, I knew she did not have even for food but she will not ask and the man she is with can not provide. It is a difficult situation, because most people respond to the good treatment positive. She is becoming some sort like him like her mannerism, the way of talking like a looser would talk. S he does not apear to care abot much. I think she may be in love with this man. But she may be on denial also. We are reasonable, we do not scream, we talk but seems like she does not get it. I would like to ask her if she is willing to talk to a counselor on her own to see if that could help her to lift her self stem. Any commets

Fr_Chuck · Jan 25, 2009, 10:34 AM

You allow her to go on and live her life. You can not make her learn. And there is food stamps and other help for low income.
Depending on the situation, being poor is not a crime and often helps a couple grow.

You allow them to be and don't burn the bridges between yourself

templelane · Jan 25, 2009, 10:51 AM

Maybe she just has different priorities to you. Maybe a car, money and luxuries are not important to her right now. She is an adult you cannot force her to live like you would like her to. You just have to stand back and be there for her if it all goes wrong, and maybe you will be surprised when it doesn't.