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N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 10:19 AM

If he is having uneasy feeling then he should follow his instincts and not jump into anything. It doesn't sound like this girl is too concerned about if they stay together or not.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 10:37 AM

If she says it's bill collectors it very well could be. I signed up for a debt management program a while back because I was only working 12 hours a week and for a while I couldn't pay my bills. So I was getting these calls constantly for a month or two and after a while of me telling them that I'm going through a debt management program they stopped calling and my debt management company took over all the calls. You may want to sit down with her and see how her finances are. Ask her if she needs help sorting things out. I'm just saying if she's telling you that it's debt collectors calling her and they're phone numbers from different states, from my experience her story checks out. Get a paternity test because that will ease your mind, but if you don't trust her you don't belong together

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 10:42 AM

True but if she is purposely avoiding answering calls when he is around I question her reasons.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 10:50 AM

I thought of that too, but when I was getting those calls, I didn't answer at all, it didn't matter who was around. Lol. It just got old, telling them over and over again that they need to call my debt management company.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 10:52 AM

Yeah I don't answer calls unless they are on my phone list but I think if it is his instincts telling him she is hiding something then that is more than likely why she is not answering.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 11:01 AM

Could be, I'm just giving her the benefit of the doubt because I've been there. My fiancé swore up and down there was someone else when I broke up with him, because of all those calls and it really hurt that he didn't believe me. I should have just given him my phone to have him call them back, so he knew. But I didn't think of that then.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 11:08 AM

I would have to go with NoHelp4u, regardless of whether she is being honest about the bill collectors or not... they are contemplating on getting married... HUGE STEP and she is pregnant. He needs to get to the bottom of it if they are to move on and if she is unwilling then he may want to reconsider his proposal and forget it or propose at a later date when she can get straight with him. If she is serious about getting married, then she needs to understand his concerns and make some compromises... otherwise forget it. Work through the problems or move on. You can't say I DO when you aren't sure YOU DO.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 11:13 AM

I totally agree that he needs to get to the bottom of this, but I'm just saying that it might actually be what she says it is, bill collectors. I can't tell you how pissed I was when my fiancé kept asking me if there was someone else when the whole time I was getting calls it was from my gm card or capital one. The OP needs to say "fine, if these are bill collectors, let's get this under control" and ask to see some statements to show that he wants to help her sort this all out, if that's actually the case. If she can't prove that she's behind on paying bills, then he can worry.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 11:16 AM

I agree it could be bill collectors and he should not go accusing her of anything but just continue to watch her behavior and try and work things out IF possible. But if she is uncooperative or continues doing sneaky things then he need to think twice about going any deeper in the relationship. It is not good to assume and accuse but if you can't shake a gut feeling then usually it is what to go on.

ZoeMarie · Dec 17, 2008, 11:19 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I agree it could be bill collectors and he should not go accusing her of anything but just contiIt is not good to assume and accuse but if you can't shake a gut feeling then usually it is what to go on.

Absolutely!

Edit: but she has to be cooperative or it won't work.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 11:22 AM

Originally Posted by ZoeMarie

absolutely!

edit: but she has to be cooperative or it won't work.

Yeah that is what I am getting out of this is she is doing her own thing and not concerned with their relationship.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 11:27 AM

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

I also failed to ask what other indications (other then the phone calls) is giving you the inclination that she is cheating? (ie. is she going out all dressed up? etc.)

I still think that Sam should elaborate on this to give us a clear idea on if there are any other indications she is cheating. If it is just the debt collectors then they need to sit down and work it out together. How can you start a future together without being open... financially or emotionally? They need to get to the bottom of it. He will have to make decisions based on everything he finds out. I think this thread and all the posts given where great and an awesome support for him... especially on giving him ideas on how to approach the situation. I said also in a previous post not to make assumptions; I do agree that gut feelings are valid but sometimes they are confused with insecurity and past events. Approach the issues with a problem solving, positive attitude first and try to assist this way and the truth will unfold itself. I am not sure on whether she is or is not concerned about the relationship but I can say that her actions are compromising in any event.

Regards.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 11:37 AM

Also it would help to have the numbers.
If they are bill collectors I can find out really very easily.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 11:47 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Also it would help to have the numbers.
If they are bill collectors I can find out really very easily.

I guess if he wants to invade her privacy and raid her phone for numbers... sounds awful but us women are great P.I.'s and think really twisted sometimes (we are evil) hahaha. I don't suggest that he go about it that way; I think he needs to have her talk it out. But to add to the post, if he was going to he could get the numbers and Google it or use the search engin Find a Person or Business with our free online White Pages and Yellow Pages for USA or 411.ca - Canada's Local Search Engine - Reverse Phone Lookup for Canada.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 11:50 AM

He must know something about the numbers since he said they are out of state numbers.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 17, 2008, 11:59 AM

Originally Posted by N0help4u

He must know something about the numbers since he said they are out of state numbers.

Agreed, he evidently does, but we can't possibly encourage him to be unethical about it (including my contribution) search and possibly call around... I guess he will make that move if he wants to.

N0help4u · Dec 17, 2008, 12:11 PM

Not trying to encourage him. If he did see the numbers and remembered the area code and the first three numbers that should be enough
Actually here is the site to look up many collectors numbers
http://800notes.com/

sams721 · Dec 18, 2008, 11:29 AM

Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine

So if you met her online, chances are she is talking to people online...that is all I am saying. I am relieved to hear that she is not using you for money but that was not really the big concern of yours. You where not sure if she was cheating on you or not. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't missing anything - sorry :). After everything we talked about; have you decided what you are going to do?

Yes I want to get a paternity test and we had a talk lastnight and you see I have two kids from two past relationships that I never got a paternity test for I admit for any man to sign a birth certifcate with out knowing if the baby is his is probably stupid and she always tells me everyonce in while that I should have got a dna test on both of my kids so I wouldn't have to go through the child support drama you know pay a lot out of pocket for kids that ain't mine well last night I approached her and well I didn't how to tell her I wanted a dna test so I got into the conversation of getting a dna test done on both of my kids because in my mind if I ask her for a paternity test then I should go back and get a paternity test done on my 2 kids I have now right so when I brought that up to her attetntion she told me she been trying to tell me to get a dna test done on my kids for awhile then she asked me if I ever asked the mothers of my 2 children for a paternity test I said no she asked me why I told her because I believe they were mine and I didn't want to offend them and she said if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his OK then I explained to her that I wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy I don't understand I am so damn confused and I got myself in so deep and I do love god knows I do what do I do

Oh and another thing she said is that if I am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test so I know that that chils was mine

talaniman · Dec 18, 2008, 12:33 PM

I can't believe she didn't see that coming, and I smell a rat!!

Judge for yourself, do her actions match her words?

To be fair, she might be just in shock, so even though its best to back off a bit, stick to your guns, and when the emotional dust settles, just be honest about why you feel that way.

Don't be intimidated by her reaction, not for a minute though, as resolving issues, may hurt in the short term, but clear the air in the long run.

xoxaprilwine · Dec 18, 2008, 03:10 PM

Originally Posted by sams721

yes i want to get a paternity test and we had a talk lastnight and you see i have two kids from two past relationships that i never got a paternity test for i admit for any man to sign a birth certifcate with out knowing if the baby is his is probably stupid and she always tells me everyonce in while that i should have got a dna test on both of my kids so i wouldn't have to go through the child support drama you know pay alot out of pocket for kids that ain't mine well last night i approached her and well i didn't how to tell her i wanted a dna test so i got into the conversation of getting a dna test done on both of my kids because in my mind if i ask her for a paternity test then i should go back and get a paternity test done on my 2 kids i have now right so when i brought that up to her attetntion she told me she been trying to tell me to get a dna test done on my kids for awhile then she asked me if i ever asked the mothers of my 2 children for a paternity test i said no she asked me why i told her because i believe they were mine and i didn't want to offend them and she said if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his ok then i explained to her that i wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy i don't understand i am so damn confused and i got my self in so deep and i do love god knows i do what do i do

oh and another thing she said is that if i am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test so i know that that chils was mine

OMG, first she was completely hypocritical... she said "if any man asks a woman for a dna test on their child and she gets offensive the odds are the child could possibly not be his" then when you pop the idea she responds by "i wanted a dna test for this child then she went crazy" AND "if i am doubting that the baby is mine then she won't have the child she will just get a termination then get a dna test". She shouldn't go back on what she says and is not taking her own advice not only that but threatening abortion! Kind of dramatic. I think your approach was correct and a good way to ease in and pop the question. I can see why you feel confused she does give you a lot of mixed signals. This really concerns me, if I was you, I would pursue the DNA test for sure now (along with the other two kids) and you should mention to her, her mistake of being in support of DNA in the first place then retracting what she said. Why should you pay child support for kids that aren't yours?. gosh you will be working only to write off your cheques and that is hard because you will never get ahead. My Brother-in-law has 4 and only 1 of them are his (I think anyhow)... he has a hard time paying bills and everything - I maintain that he gets the test but he loves them too. Stand your ground and insist further... reassure her you love her and want to be with her (keep it as civil as possible till you know) but you are considering testing all the children and if she still refuses then you might have to slap a Court Order in her face if things get nasty. Testing will have to wait until the baby is born, if she aborts then you have no control over that... she will do with her body as she pleases but I don't think that was mature of her at all. You are going to face a difficult time but all will turn out in the end as it should (remember how we all feel about you getting married to her).

Another problem: How are you going to get her to explain the phone calls or talk about assisting her in her debt issues (if any)? Are you going to suggest counseling?