[destinu]

Okay... this is a real messed up situation. I got married when I was 19 and has been married now for 4 years. During the dating stage of our relationship my husband was so supporting, generous and kind. Shortly after getting married I realized that my husband had a lot of insecurity issues. He was very controlling, verbally abusive and would always put himself first; for example, I would need money to go the dentist and after he stated why we couldn't use the money, I would sacrifce my need to abide by his decision. Then he would go out and by something like a stereo for the car, smthn that is highly unnecessary after denying my need. WHen I asked him why he is the totally opposite to what I fell in love with he told me that everyone "pretends during dating"... that shattered me.

My friends told me that he was in a relationship with a co-worker. I confronted him many times which he denied; he even threatened to hurt himself if I didn't believe him, which I basically told off my friend and begged his forgiveness for doubting him. I found a web conversation between them, confirming what my friend told me, so he was cheating. When I confronted him about it he then admitted and stated nothing ever happened. We went through counseling and weeks after he started acting suspicious and was hiding his cellphone when I tried to check it we got into a fight. I admitt, I pushed him first and then he lost it on me, strangled me and the whole works, I thought he was going to kill me. Okay I forgave him and tried to be a better wife.

We have had a lot of issues, he is not a talkative person and he is highly annoyed by friends and family, especially mine. So I have been pushing my friends and family away in order to please him. I have always wanted to go to college and he has denied me of doing this. Early this year, I lost complete interest, I felt burnt out. I was tired of him, if we were having sex it literally felt like I was being rapped. I was an emotional wreck. I told him that I wanted to leave then he got really sick, so I stayed inorder to help him.

I started confiding in a close friend of mine, opposite sex who was also having problems in his marriage. It wasn't before long we fell in love, I mean deep love, something I have never experienced in my lifetime and the same for him. After months of a friendship we had one weak moment and had sex. I confessed to my husband, and he is now going around to my friends and family telling them what I did. Besides that he has taken my cellphone to companies to unlock it, he has gotten logs from my cellphone company and is walking every where with them to show whoever he desires. He has contacted my friend's(person I slept with) wife told her and I am in a complete mess.

I do not love him anymore but everyone around me is disappointed in me and telling me to make it work. He does not want me to leave, but I feel very uncomfortable knowing his anger issues and he has made threats to hurt & kill my friend. WHere my friend is involved, he is my best friend, we understand each other and has been friends for years. I truly love him, he loves me to and he wants us to be together. I want to please my friends and family by staying in the marriage but it would be at my emotional expense which I have been doing for years now. I am sorry I messed up and my culture looks really down on women who do that, so I am being treated like a dog. Everyone is mad at me and the only person I have to talk to is... well you can figure that out. I am stressed out, I am afraid to sleep at home, I sleep with a knife and all of my family members are constantly pressuring me about my mistake.

I want to be with my friend to be honest but I am not making any rash decissions... I need help.

[JBeaucaire]

Do you want to even save this marriage? Truly? You state you don't, and it's clear by his behavior he literally RELISHES embarrassing you in front of others over your sins.

Don't misunderstand, you SHOULD be embarrassed, just not by your friends. Your own image in the mirror should be enough to shame you.

There is no rationalizing an affair. If you're married, you don't do it. You didn't slip up in "a weak moment"... you methodically and steadily worked your way up to having sex with him. You spent time getting there. The affair didn't start with the sex, it started with a cup of coffee.

So, no need to put any of that on your husband. He's an @#shole... no doubt, but he wasn't the cheater, that was you.

Your friend is married and unavailable. Stop thinking about him. Your problems aren't about him, so don't keep putting him in the middle of it. Even if you decide to end the marriage, it won't be to be with your friend, it will be because your marriage is over. Keep this stuff separate.

Your husband was right, people lie when they date. They "honeymoon" to get each other interested. That's why you have to date someone for upwards of 2 years to TRULY get to see who they are. It's hard to fake it that long.

How long did you two date before marriage?

If you want to try and save your marriage, you will HAVE to get his forgiveness, else he won't listen.

Ask your husband to forgive you. Calmly, directly, no pleading, no girlie crap he can dismiss, no begging, just sit down across from him and ask for his forgiveness... right now.

If he says, "no", tell him you understand... and leave. After you pack and as you head out the door, stop and tell him, "I want to make this work, but I won't be a doormat to your anger. I truly am sorry. Truly. I want to be your lifelong committed wife, but I won't be your emotional punching bag, not ever again. When you're ready to forgive me, I'll be at my Mom's house. If not, well...understand I wish you only the best."

Then leave. You've made this horrible mess, the two of you, but infidelity is the nail that seals many a coffin. So, unless/until he can forgive you, you can't be subject to his overly horrific ways.

If he doesn't forgive you... well, I hope you've learned. After you do get your divorce, keep the things you've learned close to mind.

And I'm not talking about your relationship with your friend. My guess is you completely miss the issues there as well, and that's a whole 'nother speech.

No, I'm talking about what it takes to be a committed couple. You'll hopefully have garnered some useful information about what NOT to do next time around the block.

I hope he forgives you. If so, let us know, we can talk some more.

[kitten420]

Sounds like your husband has some serious issues of his own. You shldnt have cheated though, that's never the answer. If you are not happy with your husband leave him. Don't listen to what your family and friends say. You have to think about yourself. You ahld always put yourself first and do what you think is best for you not your family. If you truly don't love your husband leave. But don't expect your best friend to leave his wife for you. In most cases it probably won't happen.

[artlady]

You have to live your life.Your family and friends do not! It is very selfish of them to ask you to sacrifice your happiness for someone who you do not love anymore and who is emotionally abusive to you.
No one has to walk in your shoes but you and you are responsible to yourself only!
Be advised that when you are leaving an emotionally/physically controlling person that is when you are in the most danger from them.
I would add that rarely does a relationship that starts in deceit have a fairy tale ending.
If your marriage is over then you should move on but not if you are only moving on to someone else.
Leave for your own well being and concentrate on being single and happy by yourself.You can only have a decent relationship with others when you have learned to have a good one with yourself.
Best of luck!

[kitten420]

Very precise ART that is exactly what I was trying to tell her.

[liz28]

It seems that many things are lacking from this marriage. Love, compromise, trust, friendship, etc and is replaced with hate, insecurities, control one sided, unfaithness, and everything ungly.

Cheated never solves anything but only causes more problems. It hurts everyone involved and in this case I feel sorry for your friend wife. Sometimes when your not getting the things you need at home you look else where or sometimes things do happen unexpectly but one thing you have to have is self-control and if your unhappy leave before you cheat.

Secondly, there is no reason for your husband to put his hand on you and you shouldn't put your hands on him. When things get out of hand like that it is best to walk away instead of acting out of anger.

Thirdly, your husband priorties are messed up. Choosing a car stereo over your dental work confirms that. Being controlling is never good and verbual abuse can lead to physical abuse. I hope your have no kids because a child can be damage in a situation like this. He don't want you to leave because he views you as his property over his wife. He doesn't want you to have a life because in his mind you don't need one since you have one. That includeds family, friends, school, etc

As mention eariler this is your marriage and don't stay if you don't want too. It will only lead you down the road of misery and you don't want to live that life. You only have one life to live and only you can live it. I think you would do more harm then good if you stay.

[destinu]

Thank you for responding, I appreciate it very much and I am taking your words of advice into serious consideration. It is helping me a lot. Here are some answers to some questions you asked:

Well he stated he forgave me since the night I confesssed it to him. I asked him then to forgive me. But his actions prove otherwise. We dated for 2 yrs before we got married, so I guess he pretended for that long. And yes, I know that I was wrong despite what I went through with him.