[imbilly111]

Me and my wife have been married for a little over a year. We've been together for 10 years and lived together for 5. She is this only person I've ever had sex with. She has had sex with 8 guys, 7 of them before we met. About three years ago she was going out a lot at night while I was at work on 3rd shift. This went on for nearly a year. She wouldn't come home until 5 in the morning sometimes and there were times when she would tell me she was going to bed that I would be suspicious and leave work to see if she was home and she wouldn't be. I can't even count how many times that happened. We had been engaged this whole time. After about a year she quit staying out all night and wanted to prepare planning for our wedding. We set a date and all seemed fine. Well one night at work she called me and told me that she had been raped by a guy she worked with at the time when she was staying out all night. I asked why she didn't press charges and she said that she just wanted to forget about it. I was upset, severely upset. I never really believed it so I postponed the wedding for a year. We got married a year later and everything seemed great. That is until a week ago when we were at the grocery store. We ran into a guy that knew her. He said that "the guy my wife used to date a couple years ago said to say hi to her." Well she acted like she didn't know what he was talking about so he went on to say, " You know, the guy you used to come up to see when he was working 3rd shift." I can't even explain the feeling of sadness that went through me. I actually was so numb that I walked 5 miles from the grocery store to get home. Later that night me and my wife was talking about this and she finally came out and said that her and this guy she worked with at the time had talked on the phone for about a month and that she finally went to his house and they had sex. She said that she went back and had sex with him one more time. I think she's still not telling the whole truth and I feel that she was probably sleeping with him for longer. She said that it doesn't matter because we weren't married yet. She tells me I shouldn't mad about it. If I'd known that she'd cheated I wouldn't have gotten married. What hurts me the most is that this wasn't a one night stand, it was an actual relationship. She said that they worked it out that when I would answer the phone when he called that he would act like it was a wrong number. Because of her attitude towards the cheating being like she didn't really do anything wrong and the fact that I don't really believe she's telling me the whole truth should I stay or get a divorce? It's apparent that she had no intentions of telling me what really happened until she got caught in the lie the day we were in the grocery store. I don't know what to do. Please help me with some advice.

[BetrayalBtCamp]

Sorry you are dealing with this, it's a horrible situation to have to face. Right now you are hearing what she told herself to make it OK to cheat. Of course you have every right to be angry you were betrayed! It is possible that as you two process what happened, she will realize how devastating & wrong what she did is, but she may not. If she doesn't, then the odds of a successful recovery & a good marriage for both of you will be much lower.

It is important that this not be swept under the rug, which is what she would prefer to have happen. There are a lot of great resources to help you both. Here's a great place to start:

SurvivingInfidelity dot com

The books I recommend you start with are:

Amazon.com: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: Books

Amazon.com: Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart: Douglas K. Snyder, Donald H. Baucom, Kristina Coop Gordon: Books

Discovering a betrayal has happened is an extremely painful thing to experience, but it wasn't you or the marriage that caused the cheating. It was only her own poor choices, so don't let her blame shift the responsibility for that. No marriage or partner is perfect & everyone gets unhappy or dissatisfied with the relationship but not all decide to cheat.

It is possible to have a successful marriage despite the betrayal but it takes a long time to regain the lost trust & to restore a good working relationship, so be patient with the process. Obviously, you can not make a good marriage happen without her cooperation & her compassion for the terrible position she has put you in.

[BABY_LUV]

I am so sorry that you are going through this! My experience has been once a cheat always a cheat, but since you just found this out and you're hurt and you're angry, I wouldn't do anything right now. Give yourself sometime to process what you're feeling. You never want to make decisions based on anger and hurt. You and your wife need to sit down and talk and she needs to own up to what she did and quit acting like she did nothing wrong. Your marriage can still work but, its going to take a long time to build that trust again. Wish you the best of luck :)

[axmetoo]

All good advice... sort of. There is a difference in "believing" someone and "trusting" them. When you believe what someone is telling you it may get you through the day. When you trust them you don't have to ask. The anguish that burns inside of the betrayed person is a horrible feeling. It wastes precious days and years of your life. If there are children or significant financial commitment involved or she has convinced you that you are such an undesirable loser that you are lucky to have even a cheating spouse, then stay put and deal with it. I do however suggest you take a real interest in taking care of your health mentally and physically if you stay.

A relationship without trust is a slow burn. If you doubt what she says and are tempted to grab her phone and check it every time she puts it down... then free yourself. No blame, no fights, just slip out the back Jack...