[ardfam]

Ok here is the situation. My wife and I, have been married for 18 years and have two wonderful boys, 13 and 9. Now the problem is she is saying for unknown reasons her feelings for me are lessening. Here is a synopsis of the last year and half. I am in the military and from 17 July 07 - 05 July 08 I had a tour overseas unaccompained. During that time, I could only come back once and that was around Christmas for three weeks. After that tour, I came back took 35 days of leave (vacation) and went went on a family vacation. The best we have had! On August 9th, I had to report to my current duty station in VA on a ship for two years which will take me to retirement. Ok now for why the tours by myself. Honestly, no BSing, my goal for 18 years was to put my family first! If they are happy then I am. So with that said, about a year prior to going overseas we decided we wanted to retire where we were and with that we made the decision to purchase a house. The whole time we were planning this I knew what was a head of me/us, but again I knew how happy it would make her. So we purchased it. Since I've came back from the overseas tour she said her feelings towards me have lessened. Mine on the other hand have multiplied. There have been many occasions where I could have "stepped out" of the marriage, but this lady is great and is the woman of my dreams! I could never do that. Our current living arrangements have me 724 miles away, but since arriving here I have driven back five times on a Friday to spend Saturday there to only leave again on Sunday. This is a long weekend, but worth every mile of the drive. I just don't understand how she can feel this way. We have mutal friends and they have assured me that there is no one else in the picture and I believe this. As I said, I just don't understand. Normally I'm a fun person to be with try to live life to the fullest, but with the problems we are experiencing it has brought me down. All I really want to do, sad to say, is cry. I know I'm in a state of depression, but with the way things are I don't know how to get out of it. We talk about the problems when we need to. It is like while I'm there every thing is fine, but as time progresses the problems begin to come back. I know this by the way she talks and acts. A prime example is, I text her many times throughout the day and with each text I always end it in "I Love You," but after a few days of being gone I don't always get the same response. Another example is, I will put in there I Miss you and never rcv this response. We talked last night for three hours and told her that to make this work it will take both of us giving 110% nothing less and it has to be us both. If there is any negativity we are going to fail. We got off the phone and she seemed happy and agreed we are going to make this work. I told her that the only I don't see myself being with her is when I die. I mean this. This lady is the woman of my dreams! I am being very serious in this post! I am scheduled to be out to sea for a couple weeks and it will be very long, wondering and feeling the way I do. The plans are to go home for four days the first week of November and five days at Thanksgiving, but these days seem far away. If anyone can give me some advise I would appreciate it. All serious here, no playing around. I just can't see myself without and don't know what I would do if something did happen. One more thing, while overseas every month at least once I sent flowers trying to just say I'm thinking of you and I Love you. Thanks to all who responds.

[Alty]

Wow, she's a lucky women.

Sadly, absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder for most, especially a women who is left alone to care for two kids, a house and all the day to day things that implies.

You're gone, she's left at home, basically a single mom, that has to be hard.

Has she told you why she feels this way? Is it something specific? Is she lonely, depressed, angry? I think she has a very specific reason for all this, but she hasn't told you what it is, she's hoping you'll figure it out.

It's time for a very serious talk, maybe even some counselling, for her, you and both of you together. You need to get this out in the open before it gets worse, and it will get worse unless you get to the bottom of it and fix it.

I wish you all the best and I hope it works out. We're here if you need to talk, I wish I could offer more advice.

Good luck.

[ardfam]

Altenweg, she has stated she thinks she is depressed. I have told her we could or she could attend counseling. I am open to anything that would help the situation. I know it is hard on her and I am sympathic to it. We are both stressed out for different reasons. With talking to mutal friends she has no anger towards me, she doesn't bad talk me, only has good things to say. She comments to them how I'm a great husband, father, and provider. But my question is if this is true then what is the problem? I don't understand. As you said, there is a specific reason for all this. I also believe that! We have talked about it and nothing comes to other than she doesn't know why she feels this way. Like I said, I have tried keeping the love and feelings going. I'm always commenting on her, surprising her with little gifts, flowers ,etc... but for some reason it is as though I'm getting pushed away. Tonight her and the boys are having a Halloween party and I texted her telling her to text me afterwards to let me know how it went, send me some pics, and closed with what I always do "I Love You" and all I got in response is "k good night." This hurts for so bad. I have always thought guys (men) shouldn't feel this way, but now I guess we do. I was thinking earlier maybe I need to start shutting down also and maybe the pain will ease, but that's not what I want! I want back what I put into a relationship. I wonder if this will ever be? Little stuff builds up and it has built up to almost a peak. Don't know what to do anymore. Thanks for the response.

[Alty]

Okay, I'm going to give you a bit of insight into a women's mind, or at least, my mind. I don't know if this is what's going on, but I know that I've been in a similar situation and I reacted exactly as your wife is reacting.

When you're sad, depressed, lonely, and someone is continuously sending gifts, expressing their love, adoration and loyalty, then sometimes you just really want to shove those gifts down that persons throat.

She may not even know why she feels the way she does, but it seems to me that she is angry about something, maybe even angry at you, the fact that you aren't at home, aren't there to help her raise your sons, aren't there to cuddle with after a long day. Those things can take a toll on someone.

I'm not blaming you, I don't think you did anything wrong, I'm sure she doesn't either, and that makes what she's feeling even worse. She doesn't want to be angry, she realizes that you aren't at fault, but she is angry and she probably feels guilty for her anger as well.

She needs to go to counselling, talk to someone about this, get it all out and learn how to deal with it. If she doesn't, I predict that things will only get worse from here on out.

Don't blame yourself, don't stop loving her or stop trying, but do realize that this situation is beyond your capabilites to fix.

[liz28]

Maybe she should try a hobbie. I understand she has kids but while they're in school she can do something to keep her mind busy. Counseling is good and maybe a support group would help or a social group.

My father was in the army and it was hard for my mom to deal with. She was lonely when he was away and happy when he was home. My mom once told me that she was scare something would happen to him while he was away and at times she wish he wasn't in the army so that we could a normal family. She was delighted once he retired and so me and my siblings.

Maybe your wife feel that way too, maybe she is afraid that you might never come back. Once she get counselling she can put everything on the table and talk about everything. She might not want to talk about with you but it is always good to talk to someone.

It good to hear about how much you love your wife and family, that you never stepped out your marriage, and all the little things you do for your wife. I hope that everything works out and know that it will.

[ardfam]

Liz28, thanks for the reply. She has hobbies and many good friends, but in particular four "listening/supportive friends." Her schedule is very busy. She works about 30 hours a week, one of the boys plays soccer (2 practices and 1 to 2 games a week), running the house and everything associated with it. There is a lot there, maybe too much, to keep her busy. I Know things will be better once I retire, but we have to make it there. Thanks again for your posting every little bit helps.

[lady_rose]

I say she is a lucky wife! My hubby is a truck driver and hardly every home. I sometimes wish I could walk away cause I get lonely. If my hubby did 1/2 the stuff you do, I be happy... I say have a long talk with her, and ask her what she really wants?

[450donn]

My guess, she has become self sufficient over the years of being alone and is finally to a point in her life that she feels that she no longer needs you. That does not mean that she does not love you, just after doing everything for so many years why does she need the complications of a man? Get my point? This is one of the hardest things a military family has to endure. The months of being separated and alone. That is one of the reasons there are so many divorces in the military. I understand your dilemma too. Two years until you can get out and have that pension. But maybe this is not right. Have you given any thought to renting the house out for two years, and moving the family to your duty station so that you can continue to build your relationships. Maybe this is going to take some serious counselling. Do you have a minister you can talk to?

[sylvan_1998]

I too have felt the way she is feeling and the continual attention and focus on something Ican not quite get my mind around only makes me feel worse.

I definitely think counseling with someone trained to help her explore what she is feeling and why will help her devise a solution. Counseling may help both of you as to what you have or have not done to exacerbate the situation.

My first year of marriage was awful. My husband was great and very attentive. But the more attention he gave me, the more he annoyed me. I knew he was great and all he was doing was wonderful but all that did was make me feel worse.

I really think some space with scheduled times to communicate about this situation might help. Good luck. I really hope it works out for you!

[talaniman]

Not being there enough is hurting you both, not just her. It takes a special person to deal with all that time without your partner. What suffers first is the communications. Time and distance have you at a disadvantage, as how can you share, care, and grow, and bond like normal, through texting? It can't be done sorry, so all I can say for now, is YOU go to counseling.