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busterite · Sep 25, 2008, 06:18 AM

I just feel the need to vent because after all the advice I have been giving about maintaining NC and after more than 2 months of NC I violated this golden rule.

To cut a long story short we were together for 3 yrs, during which I helped her with a lot of difficulties. When I was going through the roughest patch she basically cheated on me and took me through hell until deciding on whether she wants to be with me. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html)

Anyway I am heading back home after almost 6 months to see my family and friends. We grew up in the same environment although we both live abroad so we have a lot of common friends. I haven't been back home since all this happened because I needed time alone. On the other hand she was back for the summer so was able to feed people her own version of the story and as a result many people that I have known for more than 10 years have taken her side.

It was about 1 am last night when I get a call from a private number (she had never called before from a private number and that is why I had never answered her calls). Without even thinking about it I answered the phone and it was her. I didn't know whether to hang up the phone or just tell her I was busy. I decided to stay on the phone and stay focused. She asked me if I wanted to talk to her in person and my reply was that there is nothing really to talk about and that there is no time as I am leaving tomorrow. That's when she told me she was outside my house. Ouch! I felt like such an idiot for not hanging up at the first place. I did not want to be an a$$ so went out to see what she wanted. I ended up just sitting there and listening to her bs for 2 hours. She said that she cannot recognise the person she has become and that she has no idea what she is doing, she still cannot get over the fact that she feels like she threw away the best relationship she ever had and that she will never forgive herself for the way she treated me, that she doesn't know whether she feels like this because she still loves me, asked me if I hate her, said she is really not a bad person, that she feels she is really messed up in the brain and that I should feel lucky I escaped sooner than later. It was basically her talking and crying and me just sitting there thinking that this is not the girl I used to go out with. That girl used to be sweet, cheerful, loving. When I looked into this girls eyes all I could see was chaos and to be honest it scared me. Maybe it was her using her great acting skills maybe not who knows. Its none of my business. So I am not looking on advice on what I should do, because the answer is start NC again because the way it worked for 2 months now it will work for the next 6 months hopefully. I do feel like this was a bit of a setback but hopefully I will cover the lost grounds faster this time.

My question is why do I feel like $hit today? I was really psyched about going back home but all of a sudden I feel down again.

tickle · Sep 25, 2008, 09:07 AM

I guess it is the reaction she wanted. Did she know you were leaving ? Either that was the ploy of a very nasty person, or she was sincere.

JBeaucaire · Sep 25, 2008, 10:49 AM

The best thing for her will be to lose you permanently. You know that. That's the only thing that might lead her to treat her next relationship better.

Growth through loss, very basic.

You feel like crap because you're a good guy, you have empathy. Not that you want that craziness back in your life, but you feel bad for her, mostly because you're thinking you're doing it to her, in some small way.

You're not doing it to her. You're doing it FOR her.

Have a great life.

BrewCrew0981 · Sep 25, 2008, 01:45 PM

JB is right, as usual. :D You still care for her. Not necessarily as a mate, or even as a friend. But you still care for her as a person, you always will.

busterite · Sep 25, 2008, 06:26 PM

Did she know you were leaving ? Either that was the ploy of a very nasty person

Well she recently found out I was leaving. At first I didn't want to believe it but I think this is all a ploy. She is really scared that I will talk to people going back home and that they will really see her differently firstly for doing what she did and secondly for lying about it. What she doesn't know though is that I won't fall to that level. I refuse to go around spreading rumours about her because that is not the type of person I am. I am not looking for revenge, I have truly forgiven her. All I am after is peace of mind and to be able and continue my life in dignity.

busterite · Sep 25, 2008, 06:37 PM

The best thing for her will be to lose you permanently. You know that. That's the only thing that might lead her to treat her next relationship better.

Growth through loss, very basic.

You feel like crap because you're a good guy, you have empathy. Not that you want that craziness back in your life, but you feel bad for her, mostly because you're thinking you're doing it to her, in some small way.

You're not doing it to her. You're doing it FOR her.

Have a great life.

Yes you are 100% right. The best thing for her would be to lose me permanently and I guess that is what she is experiencing because although she has done similar things to her other ex's she has managed to keep stringing all of them along even until today.
When she told me that she is still wandering whether she threw away the best relationship she ever had my reply was that we live and make choices but most importantly we should be prepared to face the consequences and ultimately learn from these experiences.