I let her break the NC rule
I just feel the need to vent because after all the advice I have been giving about maintaining NC and after more than 2 months of NC I violated this golden rule.
To cut a long story short we were together for 3 yrs, during which I helped her with a lot of difficulties. When I was going through the roughest patch she basically cheated on me and took me through hell until deciding on whether she wants to be with me. (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html)
Anyway I am heading back home after almost 6 months to see my family and friends. We grew up in the same environment although we both live abroad so we have a lot of common friends. I haven't been back home since all this happened because I needed time alone. On the other hand she was back for the summer so was able to feed people her own version of the story and as a result many people that I have known for more than 10 years have taken her side.
It was about 1 am last night when I get a call from a private number (she had never called before from a private number and that is why I had never answered her calls). Without even thinking about it I answered the phone and it was her. I didn't know whether to hang up the phone or just tell her I was busy. I decided to stay on the phone and stay focused. She asked me if I wanted to talk to her in person and my reply was that there is nothing really to talk about and that there is no time as I am leaving tomorrow. That's when she told me she was outside my house. Ouch! I felt like such an idiot for not hanging up at the first place. I did not want to be an a$$ so went out to see what she wanted. I ended up just sitting there and listening to her bs for 2 hours. She said that she cannot recognise the person she has become and that she has no idea what she is doing, she still cannot get over the fact that she feels like she threw away the best relationship she ever had and that she will never forgive herself for the way she treated me, that she doesn't know whether she feels like this because she still loves me, asked me if I hate her, said she is really not a bad person, that she feels she is really messed up in the brain and that I should feel lucky I escaped sooner than later. It was basically her talking and crying and me just sitting there thinking that this is not the girl I used to go out with. That girl used to be sweet, cheerful, loving. When I looked into this girls eyes all I could see was chaos and to be honest it scared me. Maybe it was her using her great acting skills maybe not who knows. Its none of my business. So I am not looking on advice on what I should do, because the answer is start NC again because the way it worked for 2 months now it will work for the next 6 months hopefully. I do feel like this was a bit of a setback but hopefully I will cover the lost grounds faster this time.
My question is why do I feel like $hit today? I was really psyched about going back home but all of a sudden I feel down again.
