[sharonam2002]

I have 3 children, my eldest, a 16 year old boy is out of control and we don't know what to do anymore. The other two children are fine, but he has always had anger issues etc due mainly to his natural father's treatment of him. His father who is not allowed contact with the 3 kids was violent to me before I got out. My son was most affected as it started being directed at him just before I got out. He has been very difficult ever since this age and he was then 9. I have remarried a few years ago and my husband is a wonderful step father. The younger two (young teenagers) respect and love us with no issues. My husband has never tried to take the role of father and is the most un-violent person I know. My son has tonight self harmed himself, cutting up his arms because we have enforced consequences because he refuses to adhear to some simple family rules. We have listened to his need to be treated less like a child and have given him more freedom in exchange for doing the right thing ie: letting me know where he is, going to school, very simple set chores around the house etc It is fine for a while but then he will get moody and will refuse to do anything, starts swearing and backchatting, speaking rudely to us and we've just about had it. We called the police tonight and the ambulance has currently taken him to hospital for an assessment. Yet another assessment. He has been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, definitely not ADD, has had assessment at brainwave centre also. He refuses to engage with a counseller/phsyc and have had to call the police over violent behaviour probably about 10 times since he was 10. In between these episodes he's lovely and conversational. I feel bad as it's now at the point I don't want him at home anymore because even when he's OK, we feel tense about his possible mood swings and what he can do. Last week he threw punches at my husband and we had to restrain him. Contact is not allowed by the courts with his natural father so that is not an option (I wouldn't want to anyway), my mother just over compensates for what he went through by giving him whatever he wants and gets furious with me for enforcing discipline (a whole other issue!), my father lives about 30 minutes away, he is in a small unit and has offered to take him but my son says Im kidding myself if I think he's going there. I feel he's too young to kick out, if he were older I swear I would he is that difficult. I am 5 months pregnant now and finding this very very difficult. He will stick to the rules for a week or so and then take off and be rude and nasty and then expect to come back (once he can't stay at his friends places for too long I assume?). I feel sad to say this be he is manipulative, nasty, selfish and angry. Very hard to know what to do. My husband is very supportive but has confided that he finds it hard to relax in his own home when Chris is around now. I am so confused and upset and feel I have no options. I hope this makes sense as I've written this straight after watching the police and ambulance take him to hospital, please help, any advise is welcome.

[J_9]

Is he currently on any medications? Meds may be necessary at this point in time.

[isabelle]

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry that I don't have an answer. I think you are doing all that you can. Good luck.

[ldyastrid]

When you've called the police because of his violent behavior before, what happened as a result? Has he been charged with assault or destroying property? If not, and he has assaulted or destroyed things, he should be charged and find out what the consequences are for that... as a minor, to get that wake up call will be much better than finding out as an adult, which the consequences are more severe.

If you are afraid of him and what he is going to do, that's no way for you or the rest of your family to live. He needs help. If he runs away, report it... that is against the law. While I can understand your enjoying the peace you get while he's found a friend to take him in, it's a band-aid on a much bigger problem.

You have at least 2 more years of this unless you take some action now. Take back your home and family. Unacceptable behavior should not be tolerated... when he becomes abusive, contact the police and have him removed from the home.

From personal experience, I know how frustrating it can be... you have other children in the home watching all this take place. If there is no consequence for the unacceptable behavior is sending a message to not only him, but the other children as well.

We had problems with my son for years, and what I predicted when he was 7 is what we're seeing now... He spent his 19th and 21st birthdays in jail... he will be spending his 23rd and 24th birthdays in prison. He's scheduled to be released and on parole in April... I expect he will be back in prison before his parole ends... he was diagnosed with oppositional disorder as well... however, I'm convinced he has attachment disorder - but through the years of counseling, when I brought it up, I was dismissed immediately - and the more I read on it, the more I'm certain that this is what the major issue is... but I'm off track here.

Please make sure you spend time with your other children and they are not pushed aside because you have to deal with the 16yr old and his issues. Tho our other children turned out great, we all missed out on so much as a family. There were times that they had said the only way to get any attention was to act out, but even then it didn't really work, because Erick would always top anything they could or would do... don't let that happen in your home!

Best of luck to you!

[cece21]

I don't think you should kick your own son out even though he is being difficult. Maybe you should just take a couple of days out of the week and spend with him (just you and him nobody else) he would appreciate that and it would show him that you do love and care about him. If he doesn't won't to talk to anyone about why he is acting like he is then you should'nt make him or try and push it on him. I really think he feels left out and feels that you ave all your attention on your husband,pregnancy, and other two kids. Just try what I said it could'nt hurt to try... good luck

[ISneezeFunny]

Something tells me that he's not just unruly and being a "bad kid" but may have emotional disorders that needs therapy and drugs.

[ricky0604fh]

I have 3 children, my eldest, a 16 year old boy is out of control and we dont know what to do anymore. The other two children are fine, but he has always had anger issues etc due mainly to his natural father's treatment of him. His father who is not allowed contact with the 3 kids was violent to me before I got out. My son was most affected as it started being directed at him just before I got out. He has been very difficult ever since this age and he was then 9. I have remarried a few years ago and my husband is a wonderful step father. The younger two (young teenagers) respect and love us with no issues. My husband has never tried to take the role of father and is the most un-violent person I know. My son has tonight self harmed himself, cutting up his arms because we have enforced consequences because he refuses to adhear to some simple family rules. We have listened to his need to be treated less like a child and have given him more freedom in exchange for doing the right thing ie: letting me know where he is, going to school, very simple set chores around the house etc It is fine for a while but then he will get moody and will refuse to do anything, starts swearing and backchatting, speaking rudely to us and we've just about had it. We called the police tonight and the ambulance has currently taken him to hospital for an assessment. Yet another assessment. he has been diagnosed with oppositional defiance disorder, definately not ADD, has had assessment at brainwave centre also. He refuses to engage with a counseller/phsyc and have had to call the police over violent behaviour probably about 10 times since he was 10. In between these episodes he's lovely and conversational. I feel bad as it's now at the point I dont want him at home anymore because even when he's ok, we feel tense about his possible mood swings and what he can do. last week he threw punches at my husband and we had to restrain him. Contact is not allowed by the courts with his natural father so that is not an option (I wouldnt want to anyway), my mother just over compensates for what he went through by giving him whatever he wants and gets furious with me for enforcing discipline (a whole other issue!), my father lives about 30 minutes away, he is in a small unit and has offered to take him but my son says Im kidding myself if I think he's going there. I feel he's too young to kick out, if he were older I swear I would he is that difficult. I am 5 months pregnant now and finding this very very difficult. He will stick to the rules for a week or so and then take off and be rude and nasty and then expect to come back (once he can't stay at his friends places for too long I assume?). I feel sad to say this be he is manipulative, nasty, selfish and angry. Very hard to know what to do. My husband is very supportive but has confided that he finds it hard to relax in his own home when Chris is around now. I am so confused and upset and feel I have no options. I hope this makes sense as I've written this straight after watching the police and ambulance take him to hospital, please help, any advise is welcome.

I can relate to your son to some degree, I'm not hurting myself or backtalking but I hold my pain inside.
Most likely its an emotional disorder like bipolar, or he may just be acting out.

[sharonam2002]

Hi all, Im so grateful for all your answers, even the one that states I should spend more time with him. I know where this person is coming from, I have done this for so long, especially in the early years and I myself felt bad that he had experienced what he did with his natural father. I would find this worked OK when he was around 10 but later on and more recently, I am finding he is using me. He will take what he can get from me, and not only does it get thrown in my face, but he uses it against me. As an example, yesterday (day after I POSTED this), I get a text from him at school saying he wants $50 and by the way (in between terrible swearing and awful comments about me) he doesn't want to live and it's my fault etc. Then I get another one saying "so do I get the $50 or not'. Manipulation of course, and we've never given in to this but that's why Im finding it hard now to want to spend more time with him when I know what he'll do in a day or two. Maybe I am wrong about this.? By the way, when I picked him up from hospital after posting this, he agreed to a voluntary drug/blood test and it came back clear, so that answer that question I guess. Yesterday when I got the text threatening his own life again,I again called the police. They turned up at the school, took him to hospital again only to have the doctor discharge him 3 hours later. I did something we've not done before. With my husbands support and advice from someone else, we refused to pick him up, saying he needs help and we will not be driving to hospital every other day to collect him at all hours etc. I just can't cope with this and neither can my husband. We feel we have no life if we keep doing this. We've told him he is not welcome in the home whilst he is doing this. Naturally my mother picked him up and gave me an earful about how bad a mother I am but she doesn't live with it. Will be interesting to see how she copes! Or maybe it will work and then we may have a solution? I just don't know. The posting from the parent of the 19 yo, I hear you so well. My husband and I thought you were writing about our son and yes I worry he will end up in jail for pissing off the wrong person and not having any tools to control his manipulation and temper. My biggest fear is if he would kill himself, I would never forgive myself. My father says I can't think like that as if he will do it, then he will do it anyway and if he's doing this for manipulation then I can't give in to it. I tend to agree. He also feels that putting our foot down like this will send him a clear message. I hope Im doing the right thing and taking him straight home up till now has only resulted in being abused and walked over the next day. I also agree with the poster that suggested meds. I wonder (im in Australia) how much say I have in pushing this? I will have to look into it. Many thanks again for all your suggestions, very much appreciated.