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bigdee · Jun 16, 2008, 07:51 AM

Chery, Tal - thanks again for the insight. I think I will send that short "Congrats" message.

smokedetector - When we first broke up, I always had some hope that after she had a bit of time to think it over, she'd want to come back to the relationship. But as time moves on, more and more I get the sense that it is truly over. When her career gets settled (i.e. routine), I'm sure she'll want to start looking for someone again but I have a feeling that when that time comes, it won't be with me. She's a pretty girl and I'm sure she'll have someone else to catch her interest. As for would I take her back if that opportunity ever presented itself? I don't know. I'm a little bitter right now so hard to say. But I think I have an issue with trust now. All the stuff she said about our relationship turned out to be untrue. I know she wasn't lying or anything but for someone to say what she did about the relationship, saying how committed she is and asking for the same level of commitment from me, convincing me to make some long term financial decisions which I am locked into based on her and my needs... and then in 2 days decide to throw the relationship away... I don't know.

bigdee · Jul 1, 2008, 06:51 AM

Hello folks,
I've broken up with my girlfriend about 2 months ago. Background here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-214728.html

In any case we've been moving on with our lives. It's hard of course but I think I'm doing rather well. However I am irked by one thing. When dumping me, she has told me that she "loves me" and will "always love me and appreciate what I've done for her" and thinks I was "amazing to her". OK, that's good. However what irks me is that she seems to be removing all (public) remembrance of me. Basically removing any pictures she has posted of me. Removing any comments by me or about me on her social networking site. Pretty much anything related to me publicly anywhere. She has slowly done this over the 2 months. She first removed the photos/comments which explicitly look like where we are a couple (us hugging, etc) which I totally understand. But recently, she has removed more benign photos of me (me just standing there or me hanging out with her friends). Even comments like "hey, what's up" have been removed. It appears she wants to remove all traces of me. It bugs me because I look back on the relationship and look positively on it and still look somewhat positively at her and hope for the best for her. I even still help her out a bit here and there (I don't need to contact her to do this and she knows I do this and says she appreciates it so much and will try to repay me someday). Now for someone who says she still loves me (as a friend), thinks I'm great, etc... it seems weird that she seems to not want to have anything to do with me. Maybe what she told me is a bunch of BS? Which is making me think that I am being stupid for still thinking positively about her and still helping her out and wishing the best for her. We keep minimal contact (mostly she has sent the occasional short text or e-mail to see how I'm doing and I will respond) so it's not like I pester her. I'm actively looking to move on (date others, etc). It's just that if she truly wanted to be friends like she was looking for in the beginning, it seems strange to not want to do anything with me. Am I looking too positively on her and all that "I will always love you" comments was just her trying to let me down nicely? Am I being a sucker helping out someone who doesn't even consider me a friend anymore?

I could be blamed for firing the first salvo so to speak when I first removed her from my "friends" group initially since I was upset. So maybe I'm just being hypocritical? May have done that but I still have memories and photos on my site because I still look back positively... anyway I don't know...

Any insight is appreciated. Thanks

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2008, 07:20 AM

It sounds like she is moving on - and the way she is doing this is removing your photos. Also sounds like the whole abortion crisis was a very rough time for her and maybe she can't separate the good in your relationship from that painful time. Maybe it's her way of letting you know it's really over. Why are you checking out her website or profile or wherever she is posting? I would think that would be incredibly painful for you, sort of like driving past her house to see who's there.

Breaking up is a grieving process and people handle it in different ways - live with the photos, remove the photos.

There have been people in my life I will always care for, perhaps even also love but that I am no longer IN LOVE with. I think the staying in touch thing - phone calls, e-mails to say "how are you doing" - is terribly painful and counterproductive. Sometimes it's almost better if you don't speak after a break up.

I think she's moving on - and I think if this bothers/upset you you may not be moving on and this is a sign that you have to.

Michelle4452 · Jul 1, 2008, 07:35 AM

Hello BD, First of all, I believe she was sincere when she said she loved you and will always love you. It's almost like saying I will always hold a special place for you in my heart. As I type, I can think of one guy that I still love and will always love; even after other relationships and two marriages. I will always love him, no matter what because he is special to me and no one will EVER be able to take his place even though I broke his heart when I ended our relationship and this was at least 25 years ago. I make contact with him every so often and somehow or the other, the conversation always come up about how I broke his heart. He knows that I still love him and I know he still loves me, but we have both moved on with our lives. In the past 25 years, we've contemplated several times about rekindling those flames, but I ALWAYS put a quick halt to it. Why? Because I love him too much to hurt him again and I will always love him no matter.

Oh, her removing your pictures, messages and what have you, to me is an indication that she's moving on and getting closure. I don't think it has anything to do with her not considering you a friend or anything. The thing about it is, if she left your pictures up and referred to you as her friend and you being like a brother to her, how would you feel?

bigdee · Jul 1, 2008, 07:44 AM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It sounds like she is moving on - and the way she is doing this is removing your photos. Also sounds like the whole abortion crisis was a very rough time for her and maybe she can't separate the good in your relationship from that painful time. Maybe it's her way of letting you know it's really over. Why are you checking out her website or profile or wherever she is posting? I would think that would be incredibly painful for you, sort of like driving past her house to see who's there.

Breaking up is a grieving process and people handle it in different ways - live with the photos, remove the photos.

There have been people in my life I will always care for, perhaps even also love but that I am no longer IN LOVE with. I think the staying in touch thing - phone calls, e-mails to say "how are you doing" - is terribly painful and counterproductive. Sometimes it's almost better if you don't speak after a break up.

I think she's moving on - and I think if this bothers/upset you you may not be moving on and this is a sign that you have to.

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?

bigdee · Jul 1, 2008, 07:58 AM

Hi Michelle,
Thanks for sharing your experience. I was very moved by it. I think it is quite special that you two could remain close in each other hearts for that long and still have moved on with your lives.

Originally Posted by Michelle4452

Oh, her removing your pictures, messages and what have you, to me is an indication that she's moving on and getting closure. I don't think it has anything to do with her not considering you a friend or anything. The thing about it is, if she left your pictures up and referred to you as her friend and you being like a brother to her, how would you feel?

I'm not sure how I'd feel. When she first removed that photos of us together, I completely understood. No issues there. But I was pleased that she left the more benign photos of me since at least she didn't want to completely eradicate my existence from her life. While she didn't explicitly refer to me as a friend, it was implied in the photo that I was someone she was friendly with. And I was fine with it. I was glad she still wanted something to do with me at least. Now apparently those images bother her too. For someone who really gave all for this person to help her though a trying time, it's hard.

JBeaucaire · Jul 1, 2008, 08:48 AM

It's hard, but everything she's doing is reasonable. She has to comfortably live her life, and that may mean you don't get to stay on her networking sites in any way. It's her choice.

And her making that choice doesn't make her feelings for you (past or present) a lie either. They were fine, and now they are irrelevant. Just like your lingering feelings for her are ultimately irrelevant now in the future, as well.

Moving on means doing what you have to. She appears to need less remnants from your time together than you do. There's no harm in that.

It's hard. But it's normal.

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2008, 09:24 AM

Originally Posted by bigdee

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late.... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?

Who knows what the time frame for properly moving on is? I don't think there are rules - as I said, it's a grieving process and everyone has to move through it at their own pace. Should you care how she is? Sure. You loved/love her. Should you avoid her profile - if it hurts? Absolutely.

I can only address my own experience but if she was important in your life and more importantly, if you can have contact without ripping out your own heart, knowing 100% that it is over, that she is not coming back, that you are not going back, then, sure, have contact. But if it hurts, if it gets your hopes up - well, then I'd say it's a bad idea.

I lived in Baltimore, had a difficult break up, actually moved back "home" to NYS just to get away from the memories. As long as we had any contact, any time, any place, it wasn't going to be over and it needed to be over - half the time he was checking to see if I was OK, half the time I was checking to see if he was OK - most of the time one or the other of us thought, "If only -" It was not working.

I feel for you, I really do - it's rough. I would also focus less on the "wanting" to leave you and more on the "needing" to leave you. Sometimes for whatever reason this time, this place, something is not right and you just have to go even if both of you get hurt.

Life is full of what if's. Don't torture yourself.

bigdee · Jul 1, 2008, 02:35 PM

JB, Judy,
Thanks for your insights. I am having a hard time fully letting go. I had invested a lot in the relationship and in her and I am having a hard time accepting that I will have nothing to show for it. Obviously this is par for the course for most breakups but still doesn't make it any easier. I have decided to continue to help her out as I've always done (I'm kind of locked into it for a year+ to make a long story short) but otherwise expect no contact (or payback) from her.

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2008, 02:38 PM

Originally Posted by bigdee

JB, Judy,
Thanks for your insights. I am having a hard time fully letting go. I had invested a lot in the relationship and in her and I am having a hard time accepting that I will have nothing to show for it. Obviously this is par for the course for most breakups but still doesn't make it any easier. I have decided to continue to help her out as I've always done (I'm kinda locked into it for a year+ to make a long story short) but otherwise expect no contact (or payback) from her.

And as long as you look at it that way, you'll be fine. And I wouldn't get my hopes up - but you just never know, another time, another place.

bigdee · Jul 1, 2008, 02:41 PM

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I lived in Baltimore, had a difficult break up, actually moved back "home" to NYS just to get away from the memories. As long as we had any contact, any time, any place, it wasn't going to be over and it needed to be over - half the time he was checking to see if I was OK, half the time I was checking to see if he was OK - most of the time one or the other of us thought, "If only -" It was not working.

I've been considering for some time what you had to go through... move away. I travel quite a bit for business and when I am away, my thoughts of my ex are minimal. When I come back... it is rough because I am reminded of her all the time. I may, at the very least, have to move to a new apartment since my current apartment is the worst since that is where we spent a lot of time together... *sigh*

JudyKayTee · Jul 1, 2008, 04:47 PM

Originally Posted by bigdee

I've been considering for some time what you had to go through... move away. I travel quite a bit for business and when I am away, my thoughts of my ex are minimal. When i come back... it is rough because I am reminded of her all the time. I may, at the very least, have to move to a new apartment since my current apartment is the worst since that is where we spent a lot of time together... *sigh*

Trust me, it gets better. It doesn't seem that it will, but it does. And, yes, a change of scenery might be a very good thing. So do it - take charge, change your life.

Kitty1978 · Jul 2, 2008, 11:10 AM

Originally Posted by bigdee

Hi Judy,
You are definitely correct that the abortion crisis really was rough on her. She even told me that if it turned out to be true, she would have resented me for the rest of her life. Not a good sign I guess. I asked if she still resented me now that it turned out to be a false alarm and she said she didn't but the fact that she almost did is telling. I feel so sad over this... that everything could have been perfect for us if this scare not happen... if she didn't panic over 1 day late.... ah well...

As for why am I checking her website/profile? Well because I was listed in some photos, I get notified when I've been removed. So when I find out I've been de-listed, I get curious and can't help myself but check which ones got delisted. So inevitably I end up on her profile... I know I shouldn't care. I guess you are right, I am not properly moving on.

As for continuing to help her out, should I just stop this also? Does it make sense to continue to help someone who wants to leave me in the past?

You know, I'm a very very emotional person, when I break up and I'm in love, I HAVE TO remove everything from that person, to be able to move on! Otherwise Id be in pain for ever. So it means for me that I love him sooo much. I even deleted my ex. Profile and also from my friends list, because I couldn't stand to see his picture again... I would remind me of not having him anymore...

freeatlast1 · Jul 2, 2008, 12:27 PM

"I will always love you" is said when the breakup is still fresh. The person still has strong feelings for you. However, they may or may not last. And certainly, they were not enough to keep the person from leaving you.

Don't dwell or overanalyze the meaning, just move on as best you can.

bigdee · Jul 2, 2008, 02:07 PM

Originally Posted by Kitty1978

you know, im a very very emotional person, when i break up and im in love, I HAVE TO remove everything from that person, to be able to move on! otherwise Id be in pain for ever. so it means for me that I love him sooo much. I even deleted my ex. profile and also from my friends list, cus I couldnt stand to see his picture again ... I would remind me of not having him anymore ...

Hi Kitty,
In your case, who initiated the breakup? I would guess that the one who initiated the breakup would not have the need to remove all memories of the ex. Hence why I was expecting my ex not having issues having pictures of me lying around - especially if she wanted to remain friends...

JudyKayTee · Jul 2, 2008, 04:23 PM

Originally Posted by bigdee

Hi Kitty,
In your case, who initiated the breakup? I would guess that the one who initiated the breakup would not have the need to remove all memories of the ex. Hence why I was expecting my ex not having issues having pictures of me lying around - especially if she wanted to remain friends....

This is difficult for me - but here goes.

If you are suffering this much maybe your ex is the one you should be talking to. You only go around once and if it hurts this much, it's not over for you. So you ask her to sit down and talk to you and you lay it all out for her. She either says, "OK, let's try it again" or "It's over and that's final." No more questioning where you go from here.

And here's why I say that - gulp - my husband died last year. We were married 5 years and 13 days. I knew him 2 months and 10 days when we got married. Everyone thought we had lost all reason - and maybe we had.

All I know is all together he was my life for 5 years, 2 months and 23 days and I am so glad we didn't waste a single minute of our time together.

There are no guarantees in life and if you waste time - well, you're not going to get it back and I'd rather hear bad news straight in my face than wonder - what if?

So please think about it -

And no one should feel sorry for me, not at all. That's not why I'm saying this. If I had known on the day I met him that I would be alone in such a relatively short period - I'd do it all over again. No regrets and that's maybe how you should begin to process things.

bigdee · Jul 2, 2008, 05:53 PM

Judy... wow, I am speechless... but I am happy that you lived life to the fullest when you were together with him.

As for myself... well, a while back I did have a sit down of sorts with her after the breakup. We discussed some of what happened... I did put her on the spot a bit... she wanted time apart and I asked her to follow her instincts and feelings. She said her feelings told her she didn't want the relationship anymore. She said that she was traumatized by the whole scare and she just didn't want to deal with a relationship right now anymore so she can concentrate on her new career. I've more or less accepted this. Seems like everyone is telling me I need to leave her be so she can figure things out and move on. But I suppose deep down I secretly still have hope that when her life is more settled, we may renew things. But reading various threads in this forum this sounds like a fool's dream... I know I need to move on. I'm almost there... really. Just sometimes I get a little angry with everything because I helped her so much to get her going on her new career (it was my top priority for her) and now that she's starting it, she wants out of the relationship to concentrate on it. Once I get over this anger... I'll be fine...

talaniman · Jul 4, 2008, 04:03 PM

Slowly but surely you will heal.

bigdee · Jul 7, 2008, 07:49 PM

Hello,
I've broken up with my ex for over 2 months now. She basically wanted time apart to reflect and concentrate on her new career and we ended up deciding to end it as I could not sit around and wait and hope she decides to come back to me in who knows how long.

(full story here from an old thread: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-214728.html)

I always held out (small) hope that there might be a chance we get back together when thing settle down in her life even though we are moving on from each other.

I have begun to get active in the dating scene again and now have a few opportunities. However I still felt that I had some special chemistry with my ex that I don't know if I can find with someone else. So I was entertaining the though of contacting her and just re-asking if she still is happy with ending the relationship... maybe hinting that this our last chance to try rekindle the flame so to speak, before I completely move on from her life and start trying some of these new dating opportunities.

Is this just stupid thinking? I think it probably is and I should just move on already...

snuffy · Jul 7, 2008, 08:16 PM

Move in, my friend.

Grasp the new opportuntiy with an open mind and seek to have some fun and enjoyment.

Life is too short for waiting around for exes.

If you and the ex were ever going to get back then it may happen one day but don't hold out for it. Increase your options, and treat this new girl with a fresh plate and don't obsess over the ex.

Count your lucky stars that you ex is not pregnant and refusing to have you back at all.

You could be in a far worse position.

Go for the new girl. Go. Do it. You'll thank me one day.