Ask Me Help Desk - Bigdee's story

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WARNING: This post discusses the hot topic of abortion. If you feel strongly against abortion then I respectfully request that you decline reading and commenting on this post. Both participants discussed in this post have what some people would consider liberal views on abortion (though we take it very seriously) and live in an area where it is completely legal.

Hi,
Recently I have broke up with my girlfriend of 8 months and I am still very confused as how it all went down. We first met when my ex approached me and we hit it off right away. We were serious after a month and everything was near perfect. She kept saying how happy she was in the relationship and how happy I make her throughout the entire relationship. I did my best for her, supporting in any way I could. She moved ahead quickly and in fact the only issues that arose between us was when she perceived that I didn't take the relationship as seriously as she did. It got to the point where we were discussing marriage, our thoughts on kids, meeting each other's parents, and even house shopping together. Even I was amazed at the pace but I also started to believe this was "the one", never was I more comfortable with someone. And she kept saying how happy she was and how well I treated her and that she loved me... even on the last day I saw her. But there was a trigger that caused everything to tumble down. We had a "scare"... her period was late. She thought she was pregnant and we were both scared, but we were determined to stick together. Next she called and we talked about what to do and she said that she wanted to get an abortion (please I know this issue is a sensitive topic to many so if you have strong political issues against, please I'd like to not get in such a debate). I said I would support her decision on anything she wanted to do. She also told me that she needed time to reflect on things and needed to keep her distance from me for awhile... and that she also could not image being intimate with me for awhile because of this. I told her to take all the time she needs (though I was devastated). She was all scheduled for the procedure when she got her period and it turned out to be false alarm. We were releaved but she still said she wanted time alone to still reflect on her life. I said "sure". But I realized that included in the "time alone" request was to not consider us in a relationship. I got distraught and after a few days I confronted her via phone what is going on. She said needs more time and figure out what her heart is telling her. I told her that this state of limbo waiting to see if she gets back to me or not is torture and I told her to follow her heart and she said her heart is telling her that she should breakup with me and be single and move on. I asked why and her main response was that she thought she was in love with me because I treated her so nice but when she made the decision to not have the baby (even though it was a false alarm), it told her that she didn't love me otherwise she would have wanted to keep it. I told her that some couples make such hard choices even though they are in love for a variety of reasons. But I didn't get a response on that one. She says she is being as honest as she can be when she tells me that I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was so good to her. But now she is telling me that she is following her heart and moving on without me. She is starting a new career soon (just finishing up school) and wants to focus on that and not get wrapped up in other things (like a relationship). We are not young, we are in our 30's, I am very stable with a good job. She commented that she felt the relationship was unbalanced a bit as I supported her a bit (financially... but not too much as she was bothered by not being more self-reliant) while she was going through school but why is it an issue now when she is finishing school and starting her career? Anyway all I know is that things were rolling along perfect, just perfect, and now everything is completely derailed after a few days. I am crushed. We keep marginal contact via e-mails (she says she still loves me (just not in "that" way anymore) and probably wants to check up on me) but I'm not sure what to do anymore. I'd like to move on 'cause it sounds like she wants to, but I feel like this relationship was ended over reasons I can't full comprehend and I am thinking about fighting for it and saving this relationship if possible. Like I said I am not young and been through my share of relationships. In every one I could see where things were "wrong" even though I was hurt. In this one it was so smooth... so nice... I just don't fully understand it.

Any insight is greatly appreciated...

I would just say move on right now, and do what's best for you. It seems like she is going to be focusing now on her career, and she doesn't want a serious relationship. End it nicely, you never know what happens someday. Good luck.

But I realized that included in the "time alone" request was to not consider us

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in a relationship. I got distraught and after a few days I confronted her via phone what is going on. She said needs more time and figure out what her heart is telling her. I told her that this state of limbo waiting to see if she gets back to me or not is torture and I told her to follow her heart and she said her heart is telling her that she should breakup with me and be single and move on.

Life has a way of getting our attention, and this whirlwind ride the two of you were on has been derailed by a good dose of reality, and she was sufficiently scared to change the course her life was going, and re evaluate where she is going. Back off, and focus on you, and leave her alone to think for herself without pressure from you. Not easy, I already know. Its so necessary, for you both.

I agree with the two above - you need to move on and see what happens. You can't spend your time pining for her to come back to you, watching the phone or the email inbox waiting for a message. Get happy by yourself and focus on you...

And about the "fighting for the relationship" point you made -- keep in mind that you can fight all you want, but it takes two people to have (and save) a relationship. You'd be doomed from the start.

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Originally Posted by bigdee

She says she is being as honest as she can be when she tells me that I did absolutely nothing wrong and I was so good to her. But now she is telling me that she is following her heart and moving on without me.

Facing the reality of a lifelong connection to someone can clarify your feelings for them like a flash of lightning. I know it hurts to be told that it wasn't anything you did wrong, and there's nothing you can do to make it right. The hard truth is that it's who you ARE, not what you did or didn't do. I've been on her side of such a dilemma, and I guarantee you that it's no more fun for her than it is for you.

Be thankful that she's being honest with you, and move on with your life. I truly feel for you, but it's not happening. The sooner you get started on the hard work of accepting that, the better for all concerned.

Thanks so much to everyone who has replied! It really really helps. I have been clinging on to some hope that she may come back to me but I really think what everyone here is saying is makes a ton of sense. It was just so disappointing thinking you've found the "one" and so shocking since it was her who kept pushing the pace and saying I was the "one" first. I was having a hard time letting go. But your insights are helping a lot.

She still contacts me via e-mail... very light stuff like "how was your day?" and I've been keeping my response light also with no reference at all to our past relationship. Is this recommended or should I really cut off all contact? Also the last time I saw her was when things were fine (she asked for time apart from calling from her friends place). I have been told from some friends that I should see her physically one more time for closure. Is this a bad idea? She brought up getting together just to check up on each other in a bit.

You don't mention how old you are, but I feel that many times when people are in their first "real" relationship, they grab on to words like "I want to be with you forever", "You are the one", etc, and they never let go. The problem with this is that its likely neither person knows enough to make these statements.

As far as the contact goes, technically its up to you, its your life right? I can tell you that I tried to keep light contact once, and I could not do it. Each conversation, no matter what it was about, got me thinking, analyzing and searching for any sign of anything at all - VERY UNHEALTHY. Doing something and saying that your doing are two different things, and you might simply not be able to keep contact without holding onto hope. My advice - don't, but its up to you.

Hi bigbird, I think I mentioned in my original post that we are both in our 30s. We have both been through our fair share of relationships. We both had mostly negative experiences so this is most likely contributing to our quickly thinking we are "the one" for each other. We are also near that age where we both were thinking that we are at the age where we need to "settle down" and that we are running out of "chances". So it wasn't a matter of us being young lovers experiencing our first love but maybe age and past experiences made us "want" it to work?

By the way - I am agreeing that it is tough to be "just friends" and not getting too emotionally wrapped up in it. Sad but definitely true

Oops sorry, I skimmed quick before I wrote that post and didn't see it. Hope I didn't offend you.

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Oops sorry, I skimmed quick before I wrote that post and didn't see it. Hope I didn't offend you.

No problem! I wrote a lot so it was a lot of info to digest! I greatly appreciate your advice. Thanks!

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Originally Posted by bigdee

I have been told from some friends that I should see her physically one more time for closure. Is this a bad idea? She brought up getting together just to check up on each other in a bit.

I think it is a bad idea. My guess is that she feels guilty for doing a complete 180 reversal on you and wants to reassure herself that you're going to be able to accept it without hating her. But you don't owe her anything except maybe to tell her "Don't think twice, it's alright". The less contact you have with her, the sooner you can begin to heal and move on.

I agree that contact is not good and I will try and heed your advice, as hard as it is... thanks!

Im wishing you the best bigdee!! Stay strong and be the man out there!

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

Im wishing you the best bigdee!!! Stay strong and be the man out there!

Thanks! I'm hanging in there the best I can

Keep going bud, it gets better trust me!

I'm glad you're still doing good!!

Hello folks,
Thought I'd give an update to what's been going on in my life. I can't believe it has only been a month since I first posted my question here... it felt like so long ago...

In any case I'm doing OK... I actually did meet with my ex once since then. We had some logistics to take care of (return personal items we had of each other, return keys, etc) and we then sat down for a coffee talked a bit. It was OK, she explained herself a bit (of which her explanation I still didn't fully agree with), I kindly put my 2 cents in and then I wished her luck and we had a pretty amicable farewell. Since then we had some intermittent exchanges of e-mails that became less frequent. The NC time had reached a bit over 2 weeks when she sent a short SMS of nothing just a few days ago.

Looks like we are both moving on. I've gotten on with my life and am enjoying it the best I can. Overall I feel pretty good, I have a bit of bitterness about the relationship but otherwise I'm fine. I admit I think about her everyday but as time moves on, thinking about her doesn't get me down as it used to. Occasionally I regress into bouts of sadness/anger, usually over something stupid (like just recently when I noticed she is slowly removing all traces of me by removing all photos or messages of me from her personal webspace on a social networking site - I know I shouldn't get upset at her for that but I can't help it, seems like even though she says she will always love me for how I helped her with everything, she wants to pretend like I was never there? - sorry, got off track there :-P). LOL - As I said, usually over something stupid. I guess she's moving on a lot faster than I but I guess that is always the case with the dumper vs the dumpee..

Anyway being in past relationships, I know time heals all and it's working. It's tough but I know I'll be good in awhile.

Just want to thank the folks here who have given advice and words of encouragement! It was and still is greatly appreciated!

And finally... one more piece of advise is needed... as I have mentioned, my ex is starting a new career. She is finishing the program that she needed to get her new career in a few weeks. I am thinking about sending a quick text/e-mail to congratulate her. I know that is breaking NC but it seems like both she and I invested so much in this program (a lot of the time we spent together was helping her with her course work) and I know how much it means for her (especially since one of the reasons she gave for breaking up is to focus on the new career) and considering how much focus I gave it myself when we were dating, I don't know... I feel it is worth a mention...

She's not on another planet and knows that you helped her - she even thanked you for it. So, if it won't hurt too much or cause a 'relapse', just send her a short 'congrats' message.

Another step to healing is having no regrets later to ponder about, so if you feel the need to congratulate her, do so.

Keep up the good work.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

The whole idea of healing is being able to be healthy enough to make decisions based on fact, and not just emotions. You've accepted this very well, and as long as your past resentments and anger, and have no false hope, go for it.

Honsetly, from what I read I would love to see the story end where she came around and you wound up together. It sounds like a very good relationship. As far as you fighting to keep it, you can fight all you want but in the end its her decision too. I suppose I agree that you should move on, but I would advise you to make your mind up right now on if she came back later if you would take her back. Since you are around the settling down age, she might focus on her career for a little while and then come back to you when she gets lonely. Best of luck and I hope everything works out.