[Greenfaust]

OK My wife and I have been together for 5 years, and since the very start anytime she is out with here friends *POOF* her sense of time, and me go out the window. That started my not being able to trust her. That eventually got better.

A couple of months ago I got home from work (I work until 11pm) and she wasn't home, she got home right after me, and when she got home she said she was at Kirk's(who I had never met) house getting her oil changed. I flipped out. She said during the fight she wasn't even going to tell me she went over there because she knew I would get mad. A little history, she has single guy friends who she hangs out with, and it has always bothered me and I had been crappy to her over it.

The next day, one of my friends tells me while golfing he saw her with a couple of guys out shopping. When I asked her what she had done that day she intentionally left that out. When I confronted her she apparently had been lying by omission about what she was doing 'because it was easier' than telling me the truth.

I knew something had been bothering her for a long time, and the next week I finally confronted her about it, and she said she thought we were so different she thought we might be happier with other people. Long story short, she had been internalizing emotions instead of talking to me about them because I had a bad tendency to over-react to things. We worked things out, I have been working on staying cool, and succeeding. I really had turned into an A-Hole looking back. It's slow going, but we are dedicated to each other, and are working on our relationship. This is the first time in our history we've had to go through anything remotely like this.

That was a couple of months ago, and things really are getting back to how they used to be. We're more open, and all that, but I just can't trust her. She lied to me... I don't even know how many times, and I can't help but wonder what else she lied about.

I know she would not cheat on me. I do not believe she would given her parents history, she would end it first. I find myself looking through her phone, e-mail, etc. and I feel guilty, but I can't help it. I'm afraid of her catching me and being super pissed, but I can't believe what she tells about what's going on. I know it takes time to rebuild that trust, and I feel like I'm breaking it myself by spying.

Any Suggestions Much Appreciated!

[confused1145]

A relationship is based on trust. If you are working things out you need to let the past be the past. Not saying it will never cross your mind again because it will, but give her a chance and if you see her old ways coming back again then you have a reason to doubt her

[N0help4u]

Working things out means trying a different approach.
Very likely she isn't doing anything wrong. Most likely she doesn't want a scene by telling you she was hanging with her guy friends. You need to give her the benefit of the doubt and not let your imagination get the better of you.
Some girls are better friends with guys than girls. I know I would rather hang with the guys and watch them rebuild a carburetor or tell their fishing stories than with girls asking do you think he will like me in this outfit or that outfit.
When you aren't all caught up in the insecurities and jealousy letting your imagination run wild it is easier to pick up on little things, red flags and intuition.
Jealousy and accusations only destroy a relationship.

[Fr_Chuck]

A married women is not going out at night hanging out with single men.
She is the one causing these problems since if this is bothering you, she should understand it

[simoneaugie]

Not overreacting is great. Going through her email, etc. is a different form of overreaction. Being alert is good, micro-managing every little thing is not.

[NowWhat]

If things were truly getting better, you would not feel the need to go through her emails and her phone.

You said yourself that you had been a jerk to her when she did try to tell you things. If nothing is going on with her and her friends - then I could see why she would leave things out. It is probably easier for her to do that than having to constantly defend herself to you.

And you have said that from the BEGINNING when she would go out - she would lose track of time. So, essentially, that is nothing new.
Do you feel that by her not rushing home - she is forgetting about you? I doubt that very seriously or she would not have married you.

And if you work until late, do you want her to sit around the house waiting for you?

Does she have the same male friends that she had while you were dating?

Trust sometimes takes a leap of faith. You love your wife. That is obvious in what you wrote. By sneaking around - you are breaking her trust in you. Yes, she lied, but in a lot of ways, you didn't give her any other option. Does that make it right? No. But - if you are being more open and honest with each other - then you have to TRUST what she is saying.

[talaniman]

This isn't about trust at all, but your inability to deal with your own personal issues, which if not dealt with proactively, will destroy this, and every other relationship you ever have. Seek help if your having trouble on your own.

[0rphan]

You've been together for 5 years don't blow it now over an over active imagination.
Lots of women have male friends and vice versa, nothing wrong with that as long as its all clear and above board.

You've a big problem with jealousy, which you need to control, or it will destroy your relationship.

Whilst I can understand her keeping quiet over certain things, she must also realize that she has to be totally straight with you, whilst your going through this bad phaze in your marriage.

I think you need to sit and talk a while, maybe arrange to go out as a couple... perhaps a film or a wine bar or maybe just fish and chips at home together watching your favourite D.V.D or alike, you both seem to be going off in different directions, you need to come together.

I suggest you stop searching through her things... how would you feel?. if your caught ( and you will be) the tables will be turned, and there'll be no going back.

[hjpan]

Relationships are, like previous posters have mentioned, based on trust. Apparently, it seems like SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS THE TRUST ISSUES. It is disappointing to find out that your wife of 5 years ARE FOOLING WITH OTHER GUYS. That is absurd & ridiculous!

Going through the mail, email, phone bills etc. is NOT OVER-REACTING. You want to be sure your wife has nothing with other guys and can come clean when questioned. But, she can't come clean so she lied.

[jfraz14]

If you have to do all those things, then something must be wrong in the relationship. If you have to second guess and check her on all those things all the time, then you obviously don't believe what she is saying. You should either fully trust her and stop "spying" or confront her again and explain to her how you feel and what you've been doing to possibly reach an understanding. The things you listed seem kind of sketchy though and I could see anyone having doubts and suspicions because of that. But you really need to talk it over with your wife so you can fully resolve the situation. By the way a half truth is still a lie.

[Greenfaust]

I do need to work on my trust issues... hell half the time I don't trust myself. I am going to seek some pro. Help, I just don't know how to do it.

I'm going to take that leap of faith and quit the spying, I haven't found anything that would suggest anything.

She has agreed to tell me before she hangs out with her male friends, not to ask permission, just to tell me what is going on. That is big for me, I think that will alleviate my fears (well grounded or not.) She had previously agreed to do that for me, but had never actually done it.

We had a fight last night that was completely my fault... I swear sometimes it's like there's another evil version of me just waiting in the lees to come out and eff things up. We made up and I think it might actually help in the long run since we both said some things that we probably needed to. You know how that goes. Sometimes my brain goes for a joyride down worst-possible-scenario lane and has a field day, and I can't seem to put on the brakes.

I think we'll be O.K. we both love each other, and want to be together, and want to work on our relationship, and nothing has happened that is a deal breaker.

[talaniman]

Asking your family doctor for a referral, may be a good start. Now a days you can Google and get a list of therapist in your area and get one who specializes in self growth issues.

[0rphan]

I do need to work on my trust issues...hell half the time I don't trust myself. I am going to seek some pro. help, I just don't know how to do it.

I'm going to take that leap of faith and quit the spying, I haven't found anything that would suggest anything.

She has agreed to tell me before she hangs out with her male friends, not to ask permission, just to tell me what is going on. That is big for me, I think that will alleviate my fears (well grounded or not.) She had previously agreed to do that for me, but had never actually done it.

We had a fight last night that was completely my fault...I swear sometimes it's like there's another evil version of me just waiting in the lees to come out and eff things up. We made up and I think it might actually help in the long run since we both said some things that we probably needed to. You know how that goes. Sometimes my brain goes for a joyride down worst-possible-scenario lane and has a field day, and I can't seem to put on the brakes.

I think we'll be O.K. we both love each other, and want to be together, and want to work on our relationship, and nothing has happened that is a deal breaker.

Well done Greenfaust... something positive at last.

I think you will gain a lot by talking to a counciler, reading between the lines it seems to me that perhaps you have been let down a lot in your life and the only way to preserve any thing that means something to you, is to go on the defensive,your not evil just frightened of losing the things that you love.

Yourself esteem is obviously at an all time low, why is that!.

There has not been any mention of children,so I'm thinking that you don't have any yet, in which case, if your wife didn't really want to be with you, she would have flown the nest along time ago married or not.

That must tell you something... I think you should cheer yourself up, get a new image if necessary, maybe new haircut, new set of clothes,splash on a bit of aftershave and surprise your wife with a bunch of flowers, they don't have to be expensive, the thought is enough...

Sometimes an argument can clear the air,getting rid of surplus tension,which is good.I'm sure with a lttle effort from both of you things will be much better for your future... believe in yourself... the good guy... the rest will follow.

[Greenfaust]

Myself esteem has never been the best, and before my wife every single woman I ever dated with one exception cheated on me, and it was always with friends, and they never meant for it to happen it just did...

Yes I've told my wife about that, and she understands, even if she is hurt that makes it hard for me to trust her.

I've left messages for several counselors, but so far none have called me back.

I do think it's time a take a look at myself and see the bad things I don't like and make a change for the better.

I think you're right about her not flying the coop, we don't have kids.

I do remember a time when I was an optimist, I just need to get back there.

[hjpan]

Good song to calm yourself:

Coldplay: Viva La Vida