[EASTcoaster]

Entire story merged

First off, thank you to anyone who reads this... get ready for some DRAMA!!

I am in a unique situation & I need advice. I am a 27 year old man from the east coast. I have a good job & I love to have fun. Now that you have a basic idea of who I am...

Basically my father remarried a woman from another country 4 years ago. She had a daughter. She brought the daughter here to the states 3 years ago. From the moment we met, there was instant chemistry. Although she is beautiful, I did not take it as anything serious because (A) she was only 17 at the time & (B) the most obvious: she was technically my step sister.

I never had a conversation with her until 2 years ago (she was now 19) when I was stuck living in my fathers house for 3 weeks so she & I ended up hanging out a decent amount. No sex, no kissing, NOTHING! Just conversations & we went out dancing a few times. She was very mature for her age & a very positive, calming person. After I moved out of my father's place, I noticed that I missed her & I noticed she missed me. So we went out one night, ended up getting a little drunk & kissed. But it was the best kissing of my life. It was very intense. Soon after, she completely broke up with her boyfriend at the time & so did I with my girlfriend of 2 years. At the time, my girlfriend & I were having crazy troubles & aggressive fights so this was a nice change of pace. She admitted to me that she always had a little crush on me.

So we started to date "secretly." It was really good in the beginning but I noticed she was catching feelings quicker than myself. I also still had feelings for my ex & so did she for hers. She started telling me how much she liked me & wanted to be with me. I really felt flattered but couldn't take it seriously because she was technically my step sister. (Had she not been my step sister, I'm sure we'd be pretty damn serious by now, if not married.)

After a few months of us hanging on & off, out of nowhere, I find out she got back with her ex. I was very mad at her because I thought she was just rebounding because I wasn't committing & he was always trying to commit to her again. A few days later, she admitted that was exactly what she had done & they broke up again.

Our secret relationship went on& off for months after. We both liked each other so much & it felt so good to be together. We started having sex & it was the best EVER. Deep down I was falling for her but I couldn't admit it to myself so never cherished her like she deserved. I never offered her a full commitment. There were times where I got drunk with friends & like an immature loser I called her & confessed how much I loved her. But it was only then that I had the balls to say anything. We always knew we should stop hanging out since it was never official but neither had the strength to stop. On & off she would occasionally see her ex-man because his family was close with hers & I would see my ex-girl because she lived so close to me. She claims that they never "hooked up."

I DID miss my ex-gf a lot because she was the coolest female I had ever met. But we had a lot of physical & aggressive fights over nonsense which made me really take a liking to my "step sister" because when it came to problems, we both handled each other so well. She was attractive, fun & mature, for her age.

So new girl & I continued but I felt terrible knowing that I was falling for her & kept thinking how hard it would be to tell my ex that we are completely done due to the fact. Part of me, still had feelings for my ex-gf because I wanted us to work out but I knew that we could never in the long run because of the way we "bumped heads."

Little by little, I started to notice in the past few months that "new girl" was regretting leaving her ex for me. Mostly likely because I never wanted to commit. She went back to her country for a month & I missed her so much. I called her a few times while she was a way & I sent her an email that I was ready for her. When she got back we hung out & I STILL didn't pop the question.

Through out our "relationship" we had some awesome times but I admit that I was the one who gave us problems. I was always hiding our relationship & kept thinking "what would people think? they'd never understand." etc.

Recently I noticed her pulling away & she told me she had stronger feelings for her ex & they got back together. She has been with him since. I was hurting bad when she first told me! I felt like I had messed this all up. I really loved her but it was so hard to admit it to myself, to my family & my ex. When she first was gone, I was distraught & realized what I lost. I did what everybody does & called, txted & emailed her like crazy. I even went to her house & confessed everything, apologizing & taking full blame. It was nice to let it out but again, she gave me some mixed signals.

The problem lies in that she still shows clear signs that she has feelings for me/us. She seems like she only got back with him because he's a nice guy who makes her feel secure but deep down I think she knows that she & I have something more special. She never talks about him, she has no pictures of him & her together on her social networking profiles, which is very odd to me since there are pictures of her on there at events I know they went to together but she doesn't put any of him. Although, it lists her as "in a relationship" which I think is personally very unfair to him but I can't base their relationship from her myspace.

So to add more confusion. She came by my job with her family recently. We have also been texting moderately back & forth. She seems like she is putting up a wall because I hurt her badly & maybe she regrets getting back with her ex but I know she won't admit that because it would make her look immature. Anytime she & I would talk on the phone recently, it would always end up with us talking about how we met, things we've shared etc. Never a mention of his name or my ex's.

Regardless, my feelings for her are true & I totally understand why she would go back with him. I have nothing against him & I have no anger towards her. But I do want a second chance with her. I want her to be happy but I'd love to be the one to share that with her. I honestly do not care any more that she is technically my step sister. We have a special connection that I've never felt with anyone. Overall, being with her has been better than any of the 4 females I've dated long term so I can only imagine how things would be if we are both on the same page.

The latest update is that her boyfriend went out of state for a few days & she & I hung out. It was really nice. No kissing, etc. Just went out to dinner & dancing. Again, we constantly talked about us & our past & the good times. She claimed that she wanted to meet with me for us to have closure & end on good terms. She later told me that she is really confused & didn't necessarily mean that. But she is still with him to this day. We spoke on the phone a few days ago & she confessed that she really was falling in love with me but didn't see any progress so she had to move on. But she never once said anything direct like, "i want to end up with you." She did say that she wants to "fix this" but didn't directly say for us to get back together. She made it seem like she wanted to fix things in order to be happy, whatever that may take. Things were looking up & I felt great knowing that we were both unforgettable to each other. I noticed she didn't contact me at all the day after & later I found out they had spent the day together.

BUT, just the other day he got her a kitten & she told me which set my feelings back. Because ONE: she is still with him, TWO: now they have something to share for a long period. Her response, "Well i didnt ask for the cat."

I know some of this may sound immature but I am very confused. I got upset knowing she is accepting gifts from him like that.

I need to know where to go from here. I ignored her texts after that kitten conversation. She claims I am being impatient. She also has brought up how she was in the exact opposite situation when she was waiting for me to commit. She said she doesn't think its fair to me that I wait for her but that I need to be more understanding. But what is she waiting for & what should I be waiting for? She admits to being confused so shouldn't she be alone versus being with him or me? I want her to be happy therefore I feel I need to leave her alone & allow her to figure things out without me there. But I am sitting here feeling guilty for ignoring her texts. She also sent me some pictures of us through email that were taken recently. I didn't even respond to the emails.

- Is she really confused & trying to figure out how to let him down easy?
- Is she so hurt over what happened with us that she doesn't want to go through that again?
- Is she keeping me in the background as an option to fall back on? (Altho she claims she is not)
- Is she simply toying with me? Maybe getting a little revenge (altho she is a sweet heart & never showed signs of being spiteful in any situation.)
- Do I contact her at all in a "nicer" way so that we are cool or does she need to miss me in a harsh way? I don't want to push her away by being mean & making her think it's a bad idea to get back with me.
- Should I wait for her since she waited so long while we dated & nothing came about?
- Should I just forget about the whole thing? I really don't care about her being my step sister, I'm willing to challenge that to anyone in my way.

*Any advice or comments are welcomed. I'm a big boy, I can deal with the truth!

THANKS EVERYONE!!
:-D

[Shadowburn]

What a story.

I don't think there is a problem with her being your step-sister - unusual, but you're not blood relatives and therefore can date, get married and have kids and so on - normal stuff.

But from reading all of it, I think you really blew your chance with her. She may still have feelings for you and that's why she's confused and giving you mixed signals, but apparently she was deeply hurt by your non-commitment and indecisiveness too much and now feels much more secure with her ex.

I don't think you should "wait" for her. There is nothing to wait for, she is with another guy, that's the choice she's made, and you have to respect that and to step back. I think you should stop contacting her so she can get over you and move on, and so you could do the same.

Good luck.

[talaniman]

Wow some story. Even though you are not related, you are part of the same family. Given that this has been a big secret, you both have crossed a line, and cheated for sure on your exes. Well she went back to hers, and is with him now.

You have no choice but to leave her alone, and get your own thing together without her. Sure you clicked, but what of your families, as while you don't care for now, it puts her in a very bad position doesn't it.

You need to back off, just because you are confused, and left out of the loop, and need to get some sanity back.

No don't wait for her, she has other plans I can guarantee, and it doesn't include a life with you. Not openly at least.

She is not confused one bit, but since she already has you as a willing secret lover, she can keep you close, and have the outward trappings of respect, and that's what she really wants. FOR SURE.

Take the ring out of your nose, and look in the mirror, and promise the one you see, that you will do whatever it takes to restore your dignity, and self respect. There is nothing confusing about that is there?

[lickemlolly]

Well... heres a little female perspective... you want to believe that she only went back to him because you didn't want to commit... however that is what you WANT to believe.. she still wants to be with her ex... shes been on and off with him this whole time... im not doubting that she probably has some attraction to you but the fact remains is that she has history with this ex.. there is something that is still keeping her there and I got to agree with tali when he says that she is not confused one bit.. she knows what she is doing... if she gets into a fight with her boyfriend she still has you hanging around in the wing to make her feel better... and then she will continue to be with him.. personally I wouldn't be surprised if shed been with him this whole time and seeing you... seems like you were just a rebound for her to try to get over her ex and when she decided she still wanted him she left you hanging out to dry

[Jake2008]

What is your definition of love, commitment, honesty, integrity, loyalty, faithfulness, respect, morals and values? Would those be some of the characteristics that two parties need for a successful realationship? At least all or some of that together?

While you say that you were not able to make a clear choice with regard to being honestly committed, you were, for a good chunk of time, still involved, or still in the process of healing from your last girlfriend. You never stopped to figure out what went wrong, and how you were unable to see the mistakes that were made. Let alone heal. Let alone learn from these mistakes, and how you want to be a different person and partner.

When you 'click' with someone under these circumstances, it becomes a confusing mess of emotions. What do you have to base your feelings on other than instinct, and what you have experienced in the past. To carry emotional baggage into a new relationship seldom works, as you have found out, that even though you wanted to commit to her, you were unable to. Too much conflict, and confusion by blending the past with the present with the future.

To have a clear vision of the values and qualities you want in someone, is also to be able to identify them in yourself. You don't describe yourself as a caring, loyal, sensitive to others type of person, but rather a guy from the east coast with a good job who likes to have fun. That sounds like the kind of stuff reserved for dating sites and one night stands.

My advice to you is to leave both women alone. Realize that although you have very strong feelings toward your 'stepsister', you are not over your last relationship by any stretch, and therefore not ready for another. Time and reflection on your recent past, and then a little self analysis on how to be a better person and partner, have to come first. Better to allow yourself time to reflect and heal now, rather than just keep adding one failed relationship onto another.

[EASTcoaster]

What is your definition of love, committment, honesty, integrity, loyalty, faithfulness, respect, morals and values? Would those be some of the characteristics that two parties need for a successful realationship? At least all or some of that together?

While you say that you were not able to make a clear choice with regard to being honestly committed, you were, for a good chunk of time, still involved, or still in the process of healing from your last girlfriend. You never stopped to figure out what went wrong, and how you were unable to see the mistakes that were made. Let alone heal. Let alone learn from these mistakes, and how you want to be a different person and partner.

When you 'click' with someone under these circumstances, it becomes a confusing mess of emotions. What do you have to base your feelings on other than instinct, and what you have experienced in the past. To carry emotional baggage into a new relationship seldom works, as you have found out, that even though you wanted to commit to her, you were unable to. Too much conflict, and confusion by blending the past with the present with the future.

To have a clear vision of the values and qualities you want in someone, is also to be able to identify them in yourself. You don't describe yourself as a caring, loyal, sensitive to others type of person, but rather a guy from the east coast with a good job who likes to have fun. That sounds like the kind of stuff reserved for dating sites and one night stands.

My advice to you is to leave both women alone. Realize that although you have very strong feelings toward your 'stepsister', you are not over your last relationship by any stretch, and therefore not ready for another. Time and reflection on your recent past, and then a little self analysis on how to be a better person and partner, have to come first. Better to allow yourself time to reflect and heal now, rather than just keep adding one failed relationship onto another.

I really like most of what you've said here although I made myself look bad by not giving more details about myself. I am honestly just afraid someone will see that I posted this so I tried to keep it very basic as far as my description. But I can tell you this, I have NEVER had a one night stand & not since I was 18 have I met someone from the internet. Back in the AOL 5.0 days. Now I agree that they way I described myself was poor. I just wanted everyone to understand that I like to have fun, go out, meet new people, try new things, laugh, etc. I love women but I have never been the type to try & get a quick ****. Did you not read that we hung out for a while without even kissing? That the last time we met while her boyfriend was away, that we didn't even kiss? I didn't even try any moves on her. You must understand that I have been in many failed relationships & finally a good one came along but I was scared. She was my step sister. You can't understand that until uve been there. She gave herself to me. She saw him from time to time but she kept her distance. She always liked me from before & when we hooked up it was so intense that I didn't know what to do whereas she went with it & was very positive. She didn't care if he saw us in the street kissing together whereas I was paranoid. Its very hard to explain this situation but one thing for sure is that I know when a woman is passionate about her boyfriend & its clear she is not about him. She loves him. I'm sure he's great but she shows very clear signs. Why does she call or text me? Why won't she talk about him etc? Using that knowledge is what keeps me holding on. She went back to him once before & bounced on him the moment I left her alone. But yes, I know that I emotionally scarred her because I was not ready. I loved my ex very much but I always knew we weren't meant to be. I am a very sensitive person which is why I am even on this website. If I didn't care, I wouldn't be here. Trust me, this is my first I've done something like this & sought help from the internet world.

[EASTcoaster]

What a story.

I don't think there is a problem with her being your step-sister - unusual, but you're not blood relatives and therefore can date, get married and have kids and so on - normal stuff.

But from reading all of it, I think you really blew your chance with her. She may still have feelings for you and that's why she's confused and giving you mixed signals, but apparently she was deeply hurt by your non-commitment and indecisiveness too much and now feels much more secure with her ex.

I don't think you should "wait" for her. There is nothing to wait for, she is with another guy, that's the choice she's made, and you have to respect that and to step back. I think you should stop contacting her so she can get over you and move on, and so you could do the same.

Good luck.

Thank you for responding. The reason I hold on is because of her clear signs that she is not "crazy" about him. Whereas, we were crazy about each other. I really am a good guy but I have my issues. My parents' divorce is a major factor in my not committing 100% plus the step sister thing was scary to me, at the time. My father left my mother for her mother so to commit to a girl who is a constant reminder to my mother of her heartache was very hard for me to do. Honestly, I really think she is my soul mate. I could be wrong & maybe she is toying with me because she still has some feelings but its very hard to admit judging from her actions.

[EASTcoaster]

well...heres a little female perspective...you want to believe that she only went back to him because you didnt want to commit...however that is what you WANT to believe..she still wants to be with her ex...shes been on and off with him this whole time...im not doubting that she probably has some attraction to you but the fact remains is that she has history with this ex..there is something that is still keeping her there and i gotta agree with tali when he says that she is not confused one bit..she knows what she is doing...if she gets into a fight with her bf she still has you hanging around in the wing to make her feel better...and then she will continue to be with him..personally i wouldnt be suprised if shed been with him this whole time and seeing you...seems like you were just a rebound for her to try to get over her ex and when she decided she still wanted him she left you hanging out to dry

Understandable but this girl had no problem with us being together whether if he saw or anyone else. She was so open & positive about us. She told me how much she was falling for me & how she liked me from a long time ago. I always knew but never thought anything of it. She went back to her ex but I can assure you that she is not as "passionate" for him as she may seem. Her own father agrees with me. He even told her not to play with his heart in order for her to feel safe when she is alone. Bottom line is that its very hard to explain all the details on here. But she has not left me alone & opened up to me a great deal the last time we spoke. She kept saying how afraid she was to go back to me. I think you are wrong but of course I'm going to say that since I don't want to hear otherwise. At the same time, you are just reading a message versus being in the situation & knowing all the details. For example, her birthday party was this weekend. He was there. She put pictures up from it but did not include ONE picture of him. They also went away for a few days, once again, pictures of her WITHOUT him. So what does that mean? Maybe neither of us are for her, it seems because when a woman is passionate about a man, she lets everyone know

[vanheart]

C'mon. You wanted to get w/her from the beginning.
Whether she "threw" herself or not. Stop.

Your step sister.

That's off limits as far as Im concerned. Sorry, Im not an believer of that.

BS excuses under a false pretense.

"i have been in many failed relationships"
Just like jake 2008 said.

Go back & read his post again.
And then again.

Values.

Grow up, date outside your back yard. Check it out.

[EASTcoaster]

C'mon. You wanted to get w/her from the beginning.
Whether she "threw" herself or not. Stop.

Your step sister.

Thats off limits as far as Im concerned. Sorry, Im not an believer of that.

BS excuses under a false pretense.

"i have been in many failed relationships"
Just like jake 2008 said.

Go back & read his post again.
And then again.

Values.

Grow up, date outside your back yard. Check it out.

I agree that its very weird which is why I couldn't commit. I knew of her for 2 years & it was only after 2 years that I had to live in my fathers house which was the first time she & I ever had a conversation. We felt immediate connection. Step sister or not, it was there. When we finally "hooked up," it was great. Maybe I should have ignored it but I didn't. I made the mistake of pursuing something I was not ready to be in. but I miss & love her very much. Of course since you are totally against this notion you don't have much substantial to say besides "grow up, date outside your back yard" but I can assure you it was NOTHING like you assume. 2 years I never even thought about it. You never know who you may fall for. It could be your brother's wife. BUT IF ITS REAL, its very hard to ignore it

[vanheart]

"step sister or not"
Its in the family already. Get it?

"it could be your brother's wife"
Which isn't good either. So, that's OK with you?

Does your dad know? He must. What's he got to say?
And her mom & family when they come around?

Are they all happy with this?

Still a secret? Huh?

Regardless, you had a hot, no-tell time. Now she's on to the guy that's not her family and others. Who maybe wants a bit of danger.

Boo-hoo. And you are left trying to justify your actions.

"NOTHING like you assume"

Hmmm...

[Jake2008]

I think your original contact with her, never should have got to the point of kissing, let alone eventually sleeping together, let alone talk of commitment to each other.

She was,and is, in a relationship with another man.

She, like you, is not in a position to make a commitment. Both of you are holding onto false hope.

If you re-read your original post, you mention aggression toward your ex, having serious doubts about a relationship with your stepsister, as you call her, and the fact that you had to be drunk to express your true feelings, over the phone.

You were not sure you were doing the right thing, and felt that you had no control over yourself, yet you chose to become intimate with her.

The very bottom line is, I normally go with what is presented, and I can only say what I do, based upon that. It happens that further posts will alter or offer explanations as to actions and behaviours, as you seem to have done.

I'm not going to split the finer points of your personality, I'm sure you have good and bad traits about you, just like anyone else does.

Perhaps you should have gone with your instinct the first go round with her, and tried harder to control yourself, and made a better decision- who knows. But what you have decided so far seems to me, left you more confused than ever.

While she chooses to remain with her ex, my best advice to you is, take her at her word, and consider the situation/relationship/potential relationship with her, as over, and not going to happen.

Should she choose to split with her boyfriend, for whatever reason, she will need time and patience herself to figure out what went wrong in that relationship, before she is ready to jump into another one. With you, or with anybody else.

Same advice follows for you, and your recent ex. Clouding a new relationship before completely dealing with the past one, isn't fair to you, or her.

I really wish you well, and I hope you can sort through these emotions and all the confusing thoughts you have on the mixed messages you receive from your step-sister. She too, does not seem emotionally mature enough to invest herself fully in any long term relationship, at this point in her life, with all that has gone on, and is going on.

Try to back away, and even give yourself two free, completely free, weeks, just to be on your own, without contact with any female. Really think things through, and try to see how futile your efforts are right now. It's just not the right time, for either of you, to make a go of it.

[kaka67]

Geez, that's a drama and a half.

Do you always want what you can't have?

You kept it a secret because you knew it was wrong.

That's because it is. Move on.

If you two were so wonderful together, why are you apart now? You wouldn't of let her go in the first place.

Leave her alone and let her get on with her life with someone who obviously loves her more than you did.

[vanheart]

Sorry if I touched a nerve.

I was referring to morals, values & judgement.

Wherever they come from. Guess its different for everyone.

Hiding secrets are one thing. The reasons are another.

27 year old man w/baggage & a 19 year old step-sister that you've been after since 17.

This was all wrong. Call me crazy.

[kaka67]

Vanheart you may be crazy... but your right... In my opinion anyway.

[talaniman]

You can spin this any way you want it, but the facts are what they are. You had your fun, but now its on the outside looking in. That you now choose to see everything about her as being about the two of you, is not fact, just your seeing what makes you feel good, and keeps you from understanding why she is not with you. Soul mate, or compatible souls, I don't know, but for whatever reason she has chosen the safe conventional route, for now, and no doubt she will do so again, to have the respectful life that everyone expects, at least family and friends.

Step sister or not, you are still doing what every other jilted, dumped lover, in the world has done, holding on to false hope of returning to what was, and NOT moving beyond it, and getting a life that you enjoy without her in it. Maybe she isn't into this guy as you say. Does that mean you wait for her to dump him, and come back to you? Of course not.

What you fail to take into account from her is that she is with him, for whatever reason, and will be with someone else later, just to have what all females want, after they have had their fun, a house and family. Imagine what your family, and hers, would say about anything to do with the two of you being a couple and you see why you are where you are, and she is where she is.

That stands out in your post, more than anything, that this affair was done without the knowledge of anyone but the two of you, and clearly she sees that. And just as clearly, she will keep it that way. That you ignore this very obvious fact is telling, as it's the biggest fact you have. The rest are feelings, that may or may NOT last as long as you think.

For it to work the way you want, then you better have a plan that doesn't include family being a part of your life, which was the biggest obstacle you faced from the beginning. My advice is the same I give all after a failed relationship. Move on with your life and get your proper healing, and get a healthy, happy life without her. It was fun while it lasted, now its over. Stay out of her business, and stop looking for signs that the good old days will come back.

If you don't, you will be a secret lover forever. No way will she trade a life with you at the expense of family.

[lickemlolly]

understandable but this girl had no problem with us being together whether if he saw or anyone else. she was so open & positive about us. she told me how much she was falling for me & how she liked me from a long time ago. i always knew but never thought anything of it. she went back to her ex but i can assure you that she is not as "passionate" for him as she may seem. her own father agrees with me. he even told her not to play with his heart in order for her to feel safe when she is alone. bottom line is that its very hard to explain all the details on here. but she has not left me alone & opened up to me a great deal the last time we spoke. she kept saying how afraid she was to go back to me. i think you are wrong but of course im going to say that since i dont want to hear otherwise. at the same time, you are just reading a message versus being in the situation & knowing all the details. for example, her birthday party was this weekend. he was there. she put pictures up from it but did not include ONE picture of him. they also went away for a few days, once again, pictures of her WITHOUT him. so what does that mean? maybe neither of us are for her, it seems because when a woman is passionate about a man, she lets everyone know

You will never see what others see because you are the one in love in this situation... of course she didn't care if he saw the two of you out together because that is what happens when you have an ex whom you are trying to let see that you have someone else.. in a sense make them jealous... I know because I have done it before... I have liked for my ex to see me out with the new guy so that it will hurt him.. so he will know that I'm not sitting around pining for him.. do you think that couples don't do this all the time when they break up? Passion hasn't much to do with the fact that she is still with him... but from a psychological perspective as I have just fininshed a semester of psychology.. relationships tend to start with a lot of passion and over time have a way of mellowing out to become a deep sense of love and connection... you aren't going to get what you want to hear on this site... but ill say this much.. she probably broke up with her ex... was hurting a lot... got closer to you and because you were a distraction from him it worked for her.. because that's what happens when you rebound but it doesn't change the fact that she still loves him and obviously wants to still be with him.. why would you want to play second to any guy?

Just another thought... say this to yourself over and over and perhaps it will become clear to you.. she is still with him... they are still together.. and where are you? That's right sitting on the sidelines... let it go... you are her thing on the side... you are her option... her OPTION not her priority... you are just getting sloppy seconds... not a great option at all man...

[EASTcoaster]

"step sister or not"
Its in the family already. Get it?

"it could be your brother's wife"
Which isnt good either. So, thats ok with you?

Does your dad know? He must. Whats he gotta say?
And her mom & family when they come around?

Are they all happy with this?

Still a secret? Huh?

Regardless, you had a hot, no-tell time. Now shes on to the guy thats not her family and others. Who maybe wants a bit of danger.

Boo-hoo. And you are left trying to justify your actions.

"NOTHING like you assume"

Hmmm...

There's no boo-hoo. I will move on & meet someone in better context as I have before. I have been confused about my current situation. You seem pretty negative & aggressive. I am here for advice, not to be bashed. I'm sure you're perfect but I am not. Thanks for the attempt at feedback regardless.

[EASTcoaster]

I think your original contact with her, never should have got to the point of kissing, let alone eventually sleeping together, let alone talk of committment to eachother.

She was,and is, in a relationship with another man.

She, like you, is not in a position to make a committment. Both of you are holding onto false hope.

If you re-read your original post, you mention aggression toward your ex, having serious doubts about a relationship with your stepsister, as you call her, and the fact that you had to be drunk to express your true feelings, over the phone.

You were not sure you were doing the right thing, and felt that you had no control over yourself, yet you chose to become intimate with her.

The very bottom line is, I normally go with what is presented, and I can only say what I do, based upon that. It happens that further posts will alter or offer explanations as to actions and behaviours, as you seem to have done.

I'm not going to split the finer points of your personality, I'm sure you have good and bad traits about you, just like anyone else does.

Perhaps you should have gone with your instinct the first go round with her, and tried harder to control yourself, and made a better decision- who knows. But what you have decided so far seems to me, left you more confused than ever.

While she chooses to remain with her ex, my best advice to you is, take her at her word, and consider the situation/relationship/potential relationship with her, as over, and not going to happen.

Should she choose to split with her boyfriend, for whatever reason, she will need time and patience herself to figure out what went wrong in that relationship, before she is ready to jump into another one. With you, or with anybody else.

Same advice follows for you, and your recent ex. Clouding a new relationship before completely dealing with the past one, isn't fair to you, or her.

I really wish you well, and I hope you can sort through these emotions and all the confusing thoughts you have on the mixed messages you receive from your step-sister. She too, does not seem emotionally mature enough to invest herself fully in any long term relationship, at this point in her life, with all that has gone on, and is going on.

Try to back away, and even give yourself two free, completely free, weeks, just to be on your own, without contact with any female. Really think things through, and try to see how futile your efforts are right now. It's just not the right time, for either of you, to make a go of it.

I agree, I am trying to back away. Certain aspects I didn't express well on here. I left out some keys things. But it doesn't matter. She is with him while telling me **** on the side. Which is ****ed up for everyone. Sucks because I believe I had her heart, not something to make her ex jealous. She was very open to us, never caring to hide it from anyone meanwhile I was petrified on what people would think knowing she was my step sister. Regardless, maybe I was a rebound. I doubt it because we last a year & a half like this (in a messed up situation). He was always trying to get her back. When my ex & I last fought, she found out, right at the time he was begging her back again. I know that drew her over board. I left out that detail that my ex & I got into a huge fight & she found out when she returned from her country. When I was supposedly going to pop the question. I'm learning though. Thanks!

[EASTcoaster]

Sorry if I touched a nerve.

I was referring to morals, values & judgement.

Wherever they come from. Guess its different for everyone.

Hiding secrets are one thing. The reasons why are another.

27 year old man w/baggage & a 19 year old step-sister that youve been after since 17.

This was all wrong. Call me crazy.

Wrong it may be but we lasted almost 2 years. Doesn't sound like a rebound to me. What I failed to mentioned is two key things: she invited me back to her country when she visited & I said NO (cause I'm an idiot) & the other is that my ex & I got into a huge fight when she returned at the same moment her ex was pushing for them to get back together. Either way she chose him but what you people don't understand is that I take full blame for what I did wrong. I understand this was a ****ed up situation. All I am asking is what to do from here? How can I fix this? Should I even bother?