[Vazzago]

Hi everyone, I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 yrs now, and things are getting serious now, I mean we have intentions of getting married and have a life together. My problem and I'm starting to have seconds thoughts about it, that sometimes I feel she test my provider skills in a way too invasive.

I have been working in the retail business for a about 6 years and I just recently develop a own business. This situation makes my budget shorter because I'm in the seeding level. I work as hard as I can trying to pull forward my own company in highly especialized and competitive market, and also I'm seeking for other more stable incomes as well.

The point here, is it's normal of her to nag me if in one afternoon she call me and I'm a having a little nap, resting my half hour (I have stablished my office at my house yet) and she inmidiatly start to complain about my ways, and questioning my efforts and nosing around, asking me what did I do that day? How much business I made, etc, etc, and when I put my foot down, she start filling my brain, with quotes about, how you would feed our children (in the future), and telling me she doesn't want to be with a lazy man.

This is very annoying, for continuing loving her, because beside that, we had great times together. And when I confront her about this issue, she replies in offensive way back to me. Not accepting that her commentaries are far from been motivational or supportive to me, my business, us, and probably the financial future of our relationship.

Any approach to this matter will be so appreciated. :(

[shygrneyzs]

If you are this annoyed now, just wait until you are married.

Seriously, since this relationship is getting more serious and you are considering marriage, I am sure she is starting to be more serious about your ability to provide for her. What does she do? Does she work?

She is wondering about your stability, trying to ensure the future. No one wants to get into a relationship that can become financially crippling. But, no one ever is guaranteed financial success. That comes from hard work, some good luck, a good business plan, etc. Even then, the best plans can go awry.

If she is looking for some security, which is what this sounds like, all you can promise is that you try your hardest and best. No one can do more.

If you continue to have these feelings and cannot resolve them with your girlfriend, then step back from the relationship. Don't make wedding plans. Myabe it would be a good idea to concentrate on your business and then once that is up and solid, go ahead with the wedding plans. If she is willing to wait. If not, then you have a decision to make.

[Vazzago]

What does she do?
She's on college

Does she work?
Nope.

One of the reasons I decided to go for my own company beside the fall of the job market in my country, is to have access to the opportunity of unlimitated incomes. Of course, depending on a good business plan and also hard work. And precisely that is why I need more support from my partner (I don't need bs brain filling garbage). I know, I'm in the economical situation NOW to support a life together (at least modest but great). But I'm starting to feel scared on a hypothetic scene to come back from work, and she's yelling me about why we can't buy yet the car or any financial situation. Is the way she approaches to the subject what it causes defensive positions from me. I just had a fight with her and I told her I have to hang the phone because she started to sending me unfair indirects, questioning the source of my actual incomes. The other thing, is that she starts to act like nosing around when she feel this way. She want me to show her my company financial reports and so on. I know it sounds funny that any of you outsiders could see this as she's bossing me around but I don't let that happends. But that's when we get cold with each other because I don't give in into her complains.

I wish it would be other way, to talk her about this, to make her realize the damage she causes me and us. I even talked to her to put a little business for her with some capital of both of us. I just I don't understand why I feel she likes to put me down or discourage me.

[shygrneyzs]

I don't know where this comes from either. It sounds like she is scared a bit, unsure of what the future holds. You are also unsure. When you think of it, who is totally secure in what the future has?

Maybe it would be wise right now to slow down the relationship. Tell her that while you love her, you cannot concentrate on the growth of your business with her nipping at you like she does. She either has to be supportive of you or step aside.

One thing, potential mates do really want to know everything. That includes financial matters. If you cannot provide all the information because of the starting up of this business, I can understand that. But you do need to be willing to share your information, as someday, that information would be hers to know also.

So it comes to your concepts of what women should know and what they should stay out of.

[NeedKarma]

What business are you involved in? You said retail business then you mentioned "unlimited income potential".

Oh and if she wants a car she can buy her own.

[talaniman]

I think your getting preview of her personality, and its up to you to see if you love her enough to deal with this personlity or not. If you are annoyed by some things she does now, then you really will be annoyed later, when the pressure of life together empowers her to take actions she is entitle to as a wife. She will probably work and help financially, how much we will have to see. But take a long honest hard look at what you want in a mate and she if she has the potential to not only fill the bill, but work with you on a long term basis for mutual happiness.

[Vazzago]

Thanks shygrneyzs, well I have no trouble to present my financial company status and strategies to my love partner, which I mean, I will not get embarrassed or insecure because it's hasn't the numbers of ROYAL DUTCH SHELL or something. I know, I'm starting to roll up my company, and for now, it's a time to spend and invest to collect later.
I really would like she get involved a little more into my business, and sometimes she claim that too. But there's many times that I talk with her about my work issues and she didn't seem quite interested so I just step back. Then in other times she nag me because I didn't told her about a good negotiation, so this makes me confused.
And specially my loved girlfriend seems to have problems at a extreme level with Men Resting on a Bed, it's not the first time she reacts this way. And I have told her that she doesn't have to say those things when I told her I'm resting my bones for a while. For God sakes, sometimes I have to lie to her about that...
Does she have a problem with this?
Is it a psycological proyection of some fear of her?
And if so how can I help her?

For NeedKarma, when I said unlimeted incomes, I was referring to the point that I have no longer depend on a same paid check. Now, it depends on how many business and contracts I made. It's industrial supplier company for the Petroleum Refineries and others.
And about the car, well, that was just a though of me, of what would be the future like.. What can I say I'm a giver!! I love to treat my princess right and give her good things and a good person.

It's just I'm having a great analysis these days about if she would be a good supportive partner. I deserve a great partner.
I'm still mad with her about her last day indirects and awful commentaries

[shygrneyzs]

It sounds like you both need a break for awhile. Which is not a bad thing. It can be healthy. You are right, you deserve a great partner. She deserves that too. You cannot work 24 hours a day and she needs to calm down in regards to her criticisms.

Is she graduating from college soon? What does she do during the Summer break? What does she do, that shows you she will be a supportive part of your business?

[Vazzago]

Break? Hmm I don't know. You mean to split up? Well, I don't work 24 hours a day, I try to give some time every day to our relatioship and we travel together on weekends. I try my best. As well into my company. But when her unfair criticisms (to put it soft) appear, well that put my motivation so down, because I don't expect that from someone that close. And I told her that, and she just don't get it inmediatly, it has to pass some days, even mad at each other and not seeing us, for her to get my feelings. And frankly, I don't like either this mini splits we have.
Well, she has 2 years left on college, I just encourage her to take as many classes she can on her holidays (her idea from beginning) so she can advance faster, since she fail to pass others. I always try to motivate her to prepare her self, to make a post graduate after like I did, and to be a prepared and independent woman. Also, I get a long wit her, to have fun and party since she gave me that sparks into my life.
Her reaction it's the problem, it's what scares me now and on. Wish I know where that came from and if there would be a cure for that.
On summer breaks, well she started to work with her brother on a small disco he has, but that is only on some weekends. And her relation with her brother isn't quite peaceful all the time.
As I told before, I even have prepared some capital to invest in a small business for her to manage. And I told her. But since the other 50% will come from her mom, well I sense some tension there for me to be part of.
Ohhh boy

[shygrneyzs]

It sounds like you both need time away from each other. Honestly. You are not compatible right now. There is too much going on that is negative. That is my opinion, for whatever it is worth. Tell her to go and finish her two years of college, grow up and then make your decisions about your personal involvement with her. In that time, you will know if your endeavors are successful or not.

Okay?

[Fr_Chuck]

I have had for many years basically my own business, and I will tell you up front, if my wife called and I told her I was taking a nap, I would not get a chance to sleep that night listening to her about day time is work time and that I should be working.

Often, people can get into bad work habits, and perhaps she is very concerned that working at home is close to being unemployed and often it is one customer away if you are in sells of any kind.

[Vazzago]

Thanks for your point of view shygrneyzs, that would be the last option I will consider since she has her good qualities that makes me love her so much. I just trying to understand this dinamic between us and how can we improve it.
Any other opinions will be so appreaciated, maybe a woman point of view.

[Vazzago]

Fr_Chuck, thanks for your opinion. That day, I was with flu and resting my bones since the previous day I had really heavy train, since I'm getting ready for a Tennis Tournament. I Usually take 30 min to an hour to eat and rest.
And yes your right, I try to keep separated my home behavior from my office behavior. But then again, one thing is hear your wife concerns about "day time is for work" rather than, "tell me where did you get money to buy that computer?" or "I dont want be in a relationship with a lazy man". For heaven, she sees how I work hard many times I'm so tired but I still with her my time.

[chuff]

From everything I've read here it sounds like you're a hard worker and with goals. If she doesn't appreciate that, then I agree with shygrneyzs, it's time to give it a rest for awhile. She should be supporting you, not breaking you down and making you question yourself. If she doesn't see that, and doesn't respond to you telling her then maybe letting her know that you don't need her around bringing you down is a way to show her that you mean business.

Your not going to be successful in life or in this relationship if your constantly having to deal with her nagging, because that is only going to distract you from what you need to be doing.

[Vazzago]

shygrneyzs, oops I didn't notice you are female. My mistake and thank you so much.
Actually I'm not whining and then defending her. I just try to make it clear that, she has many qualities that I really like, and makes me love her for them.
I was trying here, to get a course of action to improve my communication with her and her behavior. Saying that a break up would be the last option.

[chuff]

When we said time apart we didn't mean break up. We meant to show her that you focus on other things besides her and let her know through your actions.

You can sit down with her and tell her but I think the problem you'll run into is that if she has always been like this it will be hard for her to change just by a conversation.

That being said, sit down and tell her that in order for this relationship to work and for you to accomplish what you need to she needs to be encouraging and supportive of you. Tell her that constantly questioning and nagging at you is not going to help either of you.

[Makiavelic76]

Well bro, you should set some boundaries what is acceptable and not inside your relationship. I can feel that you are goal oriented to make your business grow as well your relationship with this woman. I don't see any trouble if you take a nap or rest since you need it to recharge your batteries to keep going on with your productive life. Maybe she needs to understand this. Maybe she needs to get involved more deep into your life so she can see what you do. But there's a tiny porcentage that she would be a person with a abusive behavior, and that's is not up to you to fix.. It's up to her ONLY
That's when limits and boundaries came into the scene. She should be the one who support you the most since she's interested in developing a life together. Financial issues can be frustrating when you head is fighting with your emotions.
Talk with her, I know for what you tell us, it is not the first time, but tell her that you are not open to accept her criticism in a destructive way, and if she can't be supportive, you would rather to put her aside on this matters. But then, you would be the guy with money on his pockets or not, and that's up to you, if you want this kind of relationship on a marriage level.
You seem a self confident man since you are motivating your female partner to develop her self too as an independent woman. That's a plus not a minus. You deserve someone that makes you feel the same.

Best wishes, keep it cool

[ramblinguy]

Perhaps she is feeling insecure because of your new business. Assuming that other parts of your life are in pretty good order, her behavior doesn't seem unexpected to me. Remember, this is a strain for both of you.
Of course, you deserve to take a nap, too.

[talaniman]

One thing for sure if you two cannot communicate your hopes and fears, to each other, and have respect, and work together to be happy, don't get married. I suggest you express yourself to your partner, and let her know, you don't appreciate her always getting on your case. She is probably trying to help but she isn't a mind reader. Don' assume she knows how you feel, its your obligation to let her know, and understand, exactly how you feel.

[Vazzago]

There's a new imput for this story, well after I resented her for her commentaries. We haven't spoke in 2 days only by text mjs. She go out with her friends without telling me where she goes. That doesn't bother me much, which it does is the fact the she got very mad at me if I go out with my friends after a fight without telling her where and who I go out with. She starts to make indirect accusations of my going out's full of distrust. That bothers me.
Well at least for mjs I let her know, detailed and specifically what bother me about her commentaries and how they make me feel, since she didn't care to call me back. She replied that I was the one who has to go to visit her and call her, and I told her I just I can''t since I'm too resented and leaved behind with that.
Today we text mjs again, and she doesn't seem to accept or take any regrets about how she make me feel. She just tells me that I shouldn't be offended or discouraged, categorizing me as too sensitive. I confront her if she thinks that cuestioning me about the origin of my incomes or her discouraging indirects are her way to be supportive, and she just avoid it.
This thing is messing my mind right now, I just don't know what to do.
Visit her and talk her or let her understand what she make me feel and hopefully she can be empathetic with me?
I'm afraid I'm not doing right on this..