[panamasurf]

I am a 56 year old man, married for 17 1/2 years to my current (third) wife. I am her second husband. Her previous husband was dating another woman while they were married and got the other woman pregnant before my wife decided to divorce him.

When I met my wife, I was still married to my second wife. We got divorced because of other preexisting problems, but I had dated my current wife before we got divorced.

I am retired from the Army, after 20 years. I worked as a physician assistant and pilot before moving to Panama 2 1/2 years ago to be able to spend more time with my wife and son. We live at the beach and my son and I surf almost daily together, which has been my dream for years.

My problem is that since we moved to Panama my wife has convinced herself that I brought her here to leave her and find a younger Panamanian woman. I tell her daily that I only love and want her. I tell her that she is still the most beautiful woman in the world to me and that I don't want to change her for anyone. Whenever we try to talk about it she ends up by telling me that we need to get a divorce.

I'm getting so frustrated that I can't do anything without her getting jealous. A few days ago we went out to dinner and she got jealous of the waitresses because they were cute and I smiled back at them. She accuses me of going to the beach more on Sundays so I can look at the girls. I fly to Mexico without her and she accuses me of having a girlfriend here. When I worked as a physician assistant she accused me of having affairs at work. When I worked as a pilot in California she accused me of having girlfriends everywhere I flew to.

About a year ago I invited a girl that I met while skydiving to come to our house for a while so she could enjoy some time at the beach while visiting Panama. It may sound suspicious, but I only wanted her to see something other than Panama City. She wanted to learn to surf and I thought that we could help her learn. I was in Mexico the first two days that she was there and my wife really enjoyed her. When I came home my wife was OK until she decided to do some other things and left my son and I alone with the girl. I was extra careful that nobody would even think that anything was going on between us (there wasn't), but she just completely came unglued and threw the girl out. That is when things really got bad.

Before we took a trip to California for Christmas she found out that I had been writing to some girls in different countries through one of internet friendship site and became very upset again. It was a stupid thing to do and I was doing it because I was bored. I quit doing it and haven't done it since. She still thinks I've met some of the girls, which I haven't and didn't plan to.

Well, now you know about the problems and why we have them. Please give me some ideas on what to do to help her overcome her jealousy so we can get on with our lives.

[NowWhat]

It sounds like your wife is insecure - obviously. Did you have affairs when you were married before? I could understand why your wife would be a little gun shy due to her last marriage. And also, you seem to be sending some mixed messages. If you know your wife is insecure - why would you invite a girl to your home? Or why would you write letters to other girls in other countries? It is just not a smart thing to do when you have a wife that feels this way.

I would recommend spending more quality time with your wife - doing things that she likes to do or something you both like to do.
Before I would entertain divorce - I would seek counseling.

[panamasurf]

You're probably right that I shouldn't have invited the girl to our house, knowing that my wife is so jealous. I was raised that we always opened our house to strangers and this girl seemed like a nice person and that she would enjoy staying here for a few days. I thought that my wife and son would enjoy spending some time with her too. I honestly had no bad intentions and nothing happened between the two of us. I can't undo that now and just want to get past it.

As far as writing the girls on the computer, once again that was stupid. I felt safe writing them since they lived in other countries. I was just interested in talking to someone. It really didn't help anything and ended up causing more problems.

I only wrote about those things to let you know that I've mad mistakes too. My wife is a wonderful person and I don't want a divorce, but feel like that is the direction that our marriage is headed if we don't get some help. I would love to get counseling with her if I knew where here in Panama.

[NowWhat]

I am sure your intentions were good - but try and think of things through your wife's eyes. If you can do that - it might save both of you from an unpleasant argument.
I am sure there are counselors where you live - you may just have to look extra hard for them.

[shygrneyzs]

How soon after the respective divorces did you two get married? You possibly, neither one of you, had time to get your heads clear from the rubble of the marriages, and brought a lot of baggage to your current marriage. Her husband cheated on her, you cheated on your previous wife with your current wife - that spells disaster right there - grounds for your wife's insecurity.

That being said, a marriage counselor can help you two work through these issues. You can learn what triggers your wife's reponses and modify your behavior (you already realized that inviting a young woman to your home to learn surfing was not the best idea in the world), and you can both learn how to establish trust. As I am not too sure you both had even time to establish the trust very well.

I know you have been married a long time already but "old dogs" can learn new tricks. I believe you love your wife and sincerely want to stay in the marriage. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone can learn from them. Counseling can work and I truly hope that it works for you and your wife.

[talaniman]

Please think before you act, as you have made some mistakes that you acknowledge as stupid. You both could benefit from some counseling, and there are things you and your wife could do in your communications that may help, such as instead of talking listen more as she sounds more that just insecure and I think it very important that you engage in activities that are more couple oriented, as opposed you having fun by yourself doing your thing without her. You are at the age that it means a lot for her to be included more. Let her go on a few trips with you. The way I see it, she needs more attention than she is getting from you.

[gypsy456]

Marriage counseling sounds like a good option here...

You seem to spend quite a bit of time without her...
Do more together...

Maybe not so wise to invite single girls to your house anymore..

Give her more attention...
Real attention and communicate with her.
Make sure she feels safe.

Trust is precious...


All the best

[NowWhat]

You had said that you travel abit and you weren't sure about where to get counseling - so here is an idea/option :
They have marriage workshops - you go and spend a weekend together and focus on your marriage. I have heard that people love them.

[panamasurf]

[QUOTE]

How soon after the respective divorces did you two get married? You possibly, neither one of you, had time to get your heads clear from the rubble of the marriages, and brought a lot of baggage to your current marriage. Her husband cheated on her, you cheated on your previous wife with your current wife - that spells disaster right there - grounds for your wife's insecurity.

We had both been divorced several years prior to getting married. We dated for four years before we decided that we were sure. I can understand her insecurity and unfortunately I have given her more reasons, but I love my wife and am not looking for anyone else. We have a great marriage and a 12 year old son who needs both parents, together. I can't change anything that has happened in the past and am only interested in the future and want the future to include all of us.

I appreciate all of the responses and my wife says she is going to call around and find a counselor. She is also reading these.

[gypsy456]

Quote=shygrneyzs]How soon after the respective divorces did you two get married? You possibly, neither one of you, had time to get your heads clear from the rubble of the marriages, and brought a lot of baggage to your current marriage. Her husband cheated on her, you cheated on your previous wife with your current wife - that spells disaster right there - grounds for your wife's insecurity.

by panamasurf
We had both been divorced several years prior to getting married. We dated for four years before we decided that we were sure. I can understand her insecurity and unfortunately I have given her more reasons, but I love my wife and am not looking for anyone else. We have a great marriage and a 12 year old son who needs both parents, together. I can't change anything that has happened in the past and am only interested in the future and want the future to include all of us.

I appreciate all of the responses and my wife says she is going to call around and find a counselor. She is also reading these

That is absolutely good news.
Thank you for letting us know..!

Good luck for you and your wife.

All the best,

[shygrneyzs]

Wishing you the very best in getting a good counselor and working through the problems you and your wife are going through. You both deserve to be happy and healthy and your son deserves parents who work together. Take care.