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paako · Nov 22, 2016, 10:22 AM

My son hasn't talked to me in seven months. I'm pretty sure it's his wife's doing. For years when they were struggling financially my husband and I helped them. My son now has a decent job and they don't need us anymore. I had suggested to his wife that she get a job and I think it made her mad at us. They haven't spoken to us since. What can I do to get my son back in my life?

Wondergirl · Nov 22, 2016, 10:25 AM

Have you reached out to them by mail or phone? Do they live nearby or far away?

Alty · Nov 22, 2016, 05:06 PM

Keep up the contact, be it phone calls, emails, mail, send a Christmas card telling him you miss him. Make sure to ask about his wife when you contact him, to let him know that you care about her too.

Hopefully if you don't give up, he'll come around.

Same thing happened to my Aunt and Uncle. Their sons wife was very controlling, and didn't want him to have anything to do with his parents. For 10 years they had no contact with him at all. They sent gifts for every birthday for their grandkids, and for Christmas too, and never even a call or a card to say thanks.

Then, 5 years ago, he and his wife got divorced. Now he's suddenly back in his parents lives. He realizes now that letting her dictate whether he should talk to his parents, and see his parents, was the wrong thing to do, but at the time he just wanted to make her happy and avoid fights with her. She now has him in court every few months trying to keep the kids away from him and his parents. She's still trying to control everything. Some people are just like that.

I hope it doesn't take 10 years to resolve this issue with you and your son. Never give up, always do your best to keep communication open and available to him. Hopefully he'll come around.

Good luck.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 22, 2016, 07:12 PM

Do they live close, do you call him, do you go visit him ?

paako · Nov 23, 2016, 10:05 AM

He won't answer his phone. I do text once a week to tell him I miss him and love him, but never a response. He lives within 15 minutes of us.

paako · Nov 23, 2016, 10:11 AM

I'm 74, I may not have 10 years to wait for him to come around. The holidays are going to be the hardest. He has two brothers that will be here, and it's hard on them too.

Wondergirl · Nov 23, 2016, 10:22 AM

Do either of his brothers talk to him? Do they know what's going on?

talaniman · Nov 23, 2016, 10:41 AM

I feel for you, it's a heart wrenching situation but you do have two other sons to lend love, and support through this hard time. Unfortunately until the estranged son has a change of heart there really is nothing you can do other than understand his dilemma with his wife.

I can only suggest you try to mend fences directly with his hateful wife.

paako · Nov 23, 2016, 12:03 PM

The brothers do know the problem, but don't want them to get involved and risk losing their brother too.

After seven months I'm pretty upset with her and I'm not sure I can be fake niceness.

talaniman · Nov 23, 2016, 03:06 PM

Originally Posted by paako

The brothers do know the problem, but don't want them to get involved and risk losing their brother too.

They are already involved and upset so what can hurt with them trying to help? I bet they have already made suggestions to help.

After seven months I'm pretty upset with her and I'm not sure I can be fake niceness.

If you keep harboring bad feelings and resentments toward her, then you will never even be willing to mend the fences that YOU probably started with YOUR own "insult" to her about her not working. I am willing to bet there is more to this story, and this is NOT the first time you females have butted heads, or had bad words between you.

I venture that you have a history of disagreements with his wife.

paako · Nov 25, 2016, 08:34 AM

You are absolutely wrong, I have never had a disagreement with her in the 14 years I've known her. Maybe that's part of the problem!

talaniman · Nov 25, 2016, 09:24 AM

Thank you for correcting my assumption. Sorry if it came off as judgmental, just trying to understand your son's (and DIL's) behavior, and your own to keeping your son's out of this dilemma.

I suggest that you go to her and deal with this between you and her one on one. I don't think you have to FAKE being nice, but an honest respectful dialog is where I would be going. If indeed it's her and NOT HIM. No way to know for sure. Maybe you start that dialog one on one with your son and maybe get some insights and facts.

I could tell you stories of my own conflicts with my own children (GROWN) over the years that lasted more than 7 months in a few cases. What a grueling process!! Strong willed, hard headed BRATS (THEM, not me of course ;D)!!

Upset is a very inadequate description! Highly PISSED OFF is a more accurate one. (Me, not them?? )