[MelanieRay]

My daughter (26) and her ex boyfriend got into a really big fight at a football game Sunday night. My husband and father were there and took both kids home seperatly. They've been broken up for over a year and I guess the "lets be friends" thing didn't work out. I thought that was the end of the story.

Tuesday my daughter came home crying. Her ex is now leading a smear campaign against my daughter. Her best friends boyfriend has joined in.

Wed, her best friend is tired of hearing her cry. She is even more upset than before. She wanted someone to talk to and asked me to listen. She knows its all a bunch of childish drama, it will all blow over and "please dont get dad involved any more than he already is". He was there when it all happened Sunday.

If that was all there was to the story, I would agree to leave it alone. I know she is old enough to deal with it and my husband cant really do anything about it anyway but, both boys work for my husband. If how horrible a person my daughter is, is the hot topic around the water cooler, shouldn't my husband know?

[joypulv]

Does she work for her father too, and lives with you both?

No, don't say or do anything. She made it clear that she doesn't want you to.

She needs to move out of your house AND stay away from her ex. You aren't helping by helping. Any fool who believes the smear tactics isn't worth knowing.

Oh, and the title of your question is not applicable. You don't have the right to call this 'keeping a secret from your spouse.' There is no general rule that says spouses have to tell each other everything, and your adult daughter asked you not to talk to yours.

[talaniman]

I doubt your daughter will tell you anything her dad doesn't know about these fellows, so yes save him the drama in HIS workplace. It's a good question though, does your daughter work for her dad and with this other two? How about the so called best friend?

At some point the whining and complaining has to stop, and your daughter has to grow up. I mean what do you really expect your husband to do about these workers gossiping about his daughter?

Naw, save Dad the drama like I said. Encourage your daughter to get a life.

[Cat1864]

I need some clarification before giving advice: Making certain there wasn't a typo. 26 or 16? I was glancing over old threads and saw the old one about your daughter volunteering at a stable. She was 15 and the thread was from 2015. Is that your only daughter or is this thread about an older sister?

Thank you. Part of my advice changes based on the ages involved.

On a related note, have you and your husband discussed what happened at the game and how to handle the issue between the daughter and ex?

[MelanieRay]

My daughter is 26 and doesn't work with her dad. She has a full time job and is going to school to get further ahead in the career she has chosen. Her "friend" works elsewhere as well. My husband isn't saying much about what happened Sunday other than they needed to be separated.

I do have a now 17 year old who is actually still at the stable but, this is her older sister.

Is it possible to change the topic of a replied to post?

[Cat1864]

Thank you for the clarification.

The part of my advice that was age dependent is to try to stop thinking of them as "kids", "girls" and "boys". I am a mother and I know how difficult it can be to think of them as adult females and males instead of the immature children "kids" implies. Give her a shoulder to cry on and let it stay at that. If the ex has made any physical threats, that is completely different and should be properly handled.

As for talking to your husband about what she says, I think he may have a very good idea of what is going on. He probably heard enough to know if he needs to monitor the situation at work. Let him handle that aspect as he sees fit. If you need his emotional support for how this is affecting you and maybe the younger sister, let him know you need a shoulder to lean on and hug. Enjoy some time just holding each other while the rest of the world goes on about its business.

The friend sounds like she has made her choice of who to listen to and who to support. Encourage your daughter to spend time with other friends and/or make new ones. Sometimes, walking away from the whole mess is the best thing a person can do for their own piece of mind and healing.

I am glad to hear that the 17 year old is still at the stable. It sounded like she enjoyed it.

If you are asking about retitling the thread, how would you like to change it? If you are wanting to ask a related question all you have to do is post it as a reply/answer in the thread.

[Alty]

It's really hard when your daughter asks you to act like a friend and just listen and offer support. As a mom you want to squash anyone that's talking badly about your child, and you want them to suffer. Totally get it.

The thing is, when she asked you not to tell your husband, her dad, she was talking to you as a friend, not her mom. She needed to vent, to have a shoulder to lean on, and you were there to give it to her, like a friend would.

So in this case you have to ask yourself this. If your friend came to you with a problem, and you promised not to tell your husband about it, what would you do?

It's hard not to be momma bear when your child is hurting, especially when the people hurting her work for her father, your husband, but right now I think you need to just be there for her, listen to her, and respect her request to leave daddy out of it. I'm sure he knows more than you both think he does, and I'm very sure that if either of these men make any comments about his child in front of him, they'll be looking for new jobs, and may have a few bruises as well.

[MelanieRay]

Thank you cat.

I may have been only a shoulder to cry on. I've worked so hard to make me the one they come to with problems, now they do. It probably wouldn't take much to break that trust. I guess that is why I am so torn. It has only been once that it caused an issue between my husband and I but, she was younger and the situation was very different. The fall out was huge.

I do have a very hard time accepting they are not all still children and can handle this all on there own.

My daughter got both boys the job with her dad. Not as a favor but, a great job with great benefits and plenty of room to advance. Just not one they would have looked for on their own. They are both qualified to be there and work really hard.(this is apparently difficult to find despite the opportunities available) applications went through several people before my husband even interviewed them. Her friend probably thinks her future will be threatened if my daughter cries to daddy. Both my daughter and her friend work for smaller buisnesses, my daughter at a dentist office and her friend with a dr and they can both be fired for a wrong look. That is probably her mind set. Sadly she chose to just stay away from my daughter.. stand by her man and all of that.

There is a good chance my husband knows what's going on at his job. Maybe he is saving me the stress of telling me all about it. Maybe he is able to separate his personal and professional worlds. Either way, thanks for the advice. All of you.

Maybe I could call this post Do I tell my daughters secret? Ididnt realize the title I chose was inacurate

[joypulv]

I apologize for sounding abrupt and sort of harsh.
Don't worry about your title. (To edit, see the edit button on the bottom bar of your comments>)

I do worry about your relationship with your daughter. She and her ex acted 10 years younger, and I'd be concerned that she isn't learning how to be an adult.

[Alty]

Thank you cat.

I may have been only a shoulder to cry on. I've worked so hard to make me the one they come to with problems, now they do. It probably wouldn't take much to break that trust. I guess that is why I am so torn. It has only been once that it caused an issue between my husband and I but, she was younger and the situation was very different. The fall out was huge.

I do have a very hard time accepting they are not all still children and can handle this all on there own.

My daughter got both boys the job with her dad. Not as a favor but, a great job with great benefits and plenty of room to advance. Just not one they would have looked for on their own. They are both qualified to be there and work really hard.(this is apparently difficult to find despite the opportunities available) applications went through several people before my husband even interviewed them. Her friend probably thinks her future will be threatened if my daughter cries to daddy. Both my daughter and her friend work for smaller buisnesses, my daughter at a dentist office and her friend with a dr and they can both be fired for a wrong look. That is probably her mind set. Sadly she chose to just stay away from my daughter.. stand by her man and all of that.

There is a good chance my husband knows what's going on at his job. Maybe he is saving me the stress of telling me all about it. Maybe he is able to separate his personal and professional worlds. Either way, thanks for the advice. All of you.

Maybe I could call this post Do I tell my daughters secret? Ididnt realize the title I chose was inacurate

The title is fine, don't worry about that at all.

I bet you're right and your husband knows more than you think he does. After all, he was there on that Sunday and saw what went down.

It's funny because with women it's all about being open and honest and telling all (not all women ,but most) to their spouses. To us an open and honest and loving relationship means telling them everything that goes on in our lives, especially when it involves the kids. And we expect them to share all with us as well.

I've been married for 21 years, have two teenagers, one 14 one 18. I'm female.

One thing I've learned is that when something is bothering me and I discuss it with my husband, he doesn't just see it as venting, or discussing, he sees it as a problem he has to fix because he's the man and that's his job, or at least his instinct. Most times I just want to talk, just want to vent, and I don't want or need anything fixed. So he gets stressed because he can't fix it, and I get stressed because I don't feel he's listening he's just problem solving, and man on man, men really are from mars, because he doesn't share everything with me, and as a woman that makes me wonder if he cares. As a man he just doesn't share it because he's not looking to fix it, and the only reason to share something (in his mind) is if it can be fixed. If that makes sense.

Fact is, there are some things he'd rather not know, and even though I want to tell him everything, like last month when our daughter got her first period, which I did tell him thinking he'd want to know because it's a big thing, and thinking that he'd somehow act like me, give her a hug, give her advice, give her a gift? Well, I told him, with my daughters permission, and his reaction was, "Do I tell her I'm sorry because man that sucks? Do I buy her something because I'm so sorry for her? What the heck am I supposed to do, I can't fix this, it's just part of life", and that's when I realized that unless it's a problem he can fix, or if it's something he's actually interested in, I shouldn't talk to him about it, because it just stresses him out. Bra shopping the other day with my daughter almost made him lose his mind. She, a typical female, proud of her first "real bra", wanted to share it with all that she loves, so we got back from shopping and she took the bras out of the back to show daddy,and hubby, all he could think was "that's my daughter, she's wearing a bra, I don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to think about her growing up, and this is making me really uncomfortable and I can't fix it".

I also know that he knows more than he lets on.

TMI? Just saying, your husband, her dad, will step in when he feels he can fix the situation, and I'm very very sure that if either of these guys says anything about his daughter, they'll be looking for new jobs, and they'll be sorry they ever said a thing, because daddy can't fix stupid, but he can fix what people say in front of him about his little girl.

Bottom line, I don't think you should tell him, and I don't think he'll want to know because that would mean a lot of stress for him trying to fix something that really only his daughter and her ex can fix.