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    Dasanii05's Avatar
    Dasanii05 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 19, 2015, 05:32 PM
    Hurting, confused, and annoyed...
    So because of our financial difficulties that we are encountering during this time, my husband and I are not currently living together. I do honestly believe that being apart from each other is putting a strain on our relationship. We constantly argue, and it feels as if we are slowly drifting further and further apart. He's constantly worried about what I'm doing and I'm doing the same thing. He now has this little female friend, that he claims to have never had any sexual relations with, following him around when ever she catches up with him. I don't like it and I've told him that plenty of time's. Now he's gotten to the point where he's lying about if he has seen her, but I always find out. I asked him the other day if he's developed feelings for her and he did say of course not but that he does care about her cause he feels sorry for her. But whatever... Since our little hardship he's gotten lazy, quit a good job so now he's back working at the labor hall barely making it. Oh and get this... im always making sure that when I have money he gets half off top no matter what, but when he got his little check last weekend I had to beg him to give me some money. And he still never did give me any! I know that seems so small but its these little things that matter. And us women never forget the small stuff.
    Anyway, he's just different, weird. I used to be so sure of his love for me, now I'm not so sure. He constantly tells me that he loves me and cannot imagine spending his life without me, shows me affection sometimes when he's in a good mood, but I still have my doubts.
    We have one child together, both of our first, and we are planning on getting married soon. Our relationship is 5 1/2 yrs strong and I really want to make it 95 more yrs! How do we move forward from something like this? This isn't the end right? I'm not going to be like so many other women and have multiple baby daddies. This has to work. What do I do? If I keep harassing him over this girl I may drive him right into her arms! Help!
    ~*~Da$aNii <3 ~*~
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,792, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert
     
    #2

    Dec 19, 2015, 08:30 PM
    First off, is he your husband or not?
    I'm not understanding how financial difficulties have you living apart. Wouldn't it be easier to put your money together? Sounds like you both need to commit to be together or he does his thing without you. It sounds like that might be what he's doing. Is he paying child support?
    Jake2008's Avatar
    Jake2008 Posts: 6,721, Reputation: 3460
    Emotional Health Expert
     
    #3

    Dec 19, 2015, 08:38 PM
    You say he is your husband, and then you say you hope to marry soon. Which is it?

    Hard to respond to your question when you start by being dishonest right off the bat.
    Dasanii05's Avatar
    Dasanii05 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #4

    Dec 20, 2015, 12:41 AM
    Excuse me for the technical difficulties... he IS considered my husband. TX is one of the few states that still recognize common law marriage. We have been together for almost 6 yrs, cohabitated with each other up until recently, have been holding ourselves out to be husband and wife since year 2, file our taxes together, and are on the same health insurance plan. Sooo the state of TX recognizes us as husband and wife. We just have not gotten that itty bitty piece of paper to tell us so. I'm a late bloomer when it came to settling down. I was a SGT. In the army, deploying to Iraq, and my career is all I thought about. I'm 34 and just had my first kid! Getting"for real" married just wasn't on my mind. So I'm actually very satisfied with living in a state that does recognize common law marriage. So I was not being dishonest, I just didn't give you the whole story. And yes I know smoothy, I'm new and thought my question pertained to each forum topic. It won't happen again. Have a nice night everyone.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,244, Reputation: 10853
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    #5

    Dec 20, 2015, 09:09 AM
    I think that while you are apart you deal with your finances separately, and that includes the taxes and support and any custody issues. That calls for an agreement between you (through the court if necessary), even though you are NOT together, but are all entangled in each others lives. You may be common law but you live separately now, so for starters stop supporting him living apart.

    You do your position no good by financially supporting him while he doesn't support you the same way, while he does his thing without you. For now your priority is not him, but you and your child so start acting separated and independent until you can do better for yourself. I assume he left(?), rather than stay and resolve the issues you have so accept that as a new fact and stop this enabling him to NOT resolve anything at all.

    Common law or not you have no obligation to continue as you have been when it's clearly not working.
    Dasanii05's Avatar
    Dasanii05 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #6

    Dec 20, 2015, 12:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Homegirl 50 View Post
    First off, is he your husband or not?
    I'm not understanding how financial difficulties have you living apart. Wouldn't it be easier to put your money together? Sounds like you both need to commit to be together or he does his thing without you. It sounds like that might be what he's doing. Is he paying child support?

    Financial difficulties as in we had to move out our apartment that was our first home as a family and we had to start living with different people who only have room for one, I. e. As in my son and I stay with my uncle's and he stays with his brother and his wife and three kids.
    So living together just cannot happen right now. BUT I do understand what u are saying. And I have not found a reason yet to put him on child support because although me and him have our issues, he really is an awesome dad and does for his son. BUT lately he's done some things that do have me questioning him. Pray about it, that's all I can do. 😊
    Dasanii05's Avatar
    Dasanii05 Posts: 15, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #7

    Dec 20, 2015, 12:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    I think that while you are apart you deal with your finances separately, and that includes the taxes and support and any custody issues. That calls for an agreement between you (through the court if necessary), even though you are NOT together, but are all entangled in each others lives. You may be common law but you live separately now, so for starters stop supporting him living apart.

    You do your position no good by financially supporting him while he doesn't support you the same way, while he does his thing without you. For now your priority is not him, but you and your child so start acting separated and independent until you can do better for yourself. I assume he left(?), rather than stay and resolve the issues you have so accept that as a new fact and stop this enabling him to NOT resolve anything at all.

    Common law or not you have no obligation to continue as you have been when it's clearly not working.

    Thank you so much for this advice. I have been enabling him. I let my feelings and emotions get in the way of logical thinking at times. I get all soft hearted cause I think of how his family does him (EVEN HIS OWN MOTHER) and it makes me sad that he really has no body and what would happen to him if he didn't have me to depend on. I need to stop this way of thought and give him some tuff love. I'm a recovering addict for the past five years and I should have gotten clean sooner but my parents were enabling me. It's when they finally put there foot down and cut me off completely that I realized I need to get it together. It sucks having people turn their backs on you. Maybe that's exactly how he needs to feel. And if we are wrong then guess its not meant to be. Much appreciated!!

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