[Minuoma]

Hello!

So I'll start to start from the beginning. About two years ago I met my now-girlfriend, we clicked really well from the very beginning, we started meeting up frequently and everything was just so perfect, she lived in other town, which is like 120miles from me, but we often found time to go over, or to meet up, everything just went so well, sure we missed each other a lot, but we had skype and that made things a little better, sometimes we had small arguments, but nothing that bad.. we had met each other's parents quite quickly and everybody liked everybody pretty much, just the perfect match.
She was living all by herself in a rented apartment in this town, she always told me that it is very difficult to pay her rent and bills, and so we decided about 10 months in to the relationship that I should move in with her, so I did. Everything was good, there were some stressful times that caused some problems, but nothing major, but after awhile we started fighting over the dumbest of things, but we got over them and held each other and told we love each other, and everything ended up being fine. But sometimes it involved tears - from both sides, hard to say it, but yeah, I tend to be somewhat gentle when it comes to love. I know I love her, she is everything that I ever wanted.
So we had fights, sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller... fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, she had the graduation ceremony of her college, which I helped her, I bought her a nice dress and some really pretty expensive shoes, she just looked stunning in them. But the night before I had to work security in a night club, got home about 6 a.m, and she woke me up about 10 a.m, naturally I was pretty upset, so we got in to this stupid fight and argument, but eventually we went to the ceremony and I got to congratulate her with her family and everything. And I had to work the night club the same night, she went to her home town to celebrate with her family, unfortunately I couldn't go.
But she had other things to do in this town, like preparing her mother's 50th birthday and so on, naturally it takes time. I was patient, but she promised to be home the next day, but there were some problems with the landlord of the place her mother is renting for her birthday, so they got to go there late, but I really wanted to see her, since we never got to really speak calmly after the fight we had on her graduation morning.. so I got offended and started some stuff again, then she calmed me down and she went to bed, wished her goodnight, but then it struck me... I started reading our old text messages and had a big realization... she has always been the perfect woman for me, this whole time it has been me who's been starting fights because of my stupid insecurities... which are caused because I've been cheated on by a psycho ex who I was together in the past for like 4 years... so I decided that it is time to make this change, time to treat her like she deserves to be treated, she is perfect and I want to show it to her, I want to be the man she needs.
She got home before I woke up, was really sweet to me, came to my side and hugged and kissed me, so I was extremely happy to see her. But after I had my breakfast with her, she started talking that she wants to break up, I already knew the reason but I totally panicked and tried to talk to her into changing her mind but she wouldn't budge, and then she had to go to work... can you imagine I had to be alone the whole day after being broken that kind of news, so I called her from time to time to ask her how's she doing over there, but mostly she was really busy and couldn't talk..
Then I decided that I should do something romantic, so I did, I wrote her a letter which I put on the table where I said I was so sorry and that I loved her in a most poetic way I could, I decorated the room with candled and brought some flowers and waited for her, then she came and started crying and long story short answer was still no... the next day, I wrote her a sweet poem on the table, buut the answer was still no, the next day while she was at work I cleaned and did everything at home, and then we got to talk about it...
She said that "If we tried again right now, we would just break up badly later, she said that she can't do it right now, that all the fights we had developed some kind of an emotional block for her"
So after a while of speaking to her, we decided that I should move back to our home town, and that we wouldn't speak for at least a week... but until then we were still together, we slept together tightly every night and did everything together which was nice, however we didn't have sex, because she told me that sex is hugely emotional for her and she don't want to have any bad experiences with me, knowing that she couldn't commit in bed, so I was okay with that.
We spent this week together, and then on last Sunday we brought my stuff here, and I stayed here, but before it we got to spend some time together, we went for a walk and kissed and everything was just so good, I felt exactly the same way I felt when we first kissed, when we were all so happy... but then she left, I was watching by the side of the road, tears started coming to my eyes, and everything I could do was to hope that she felt the same way.
Mid-week I had a breakdown cause I was working on a video that I want to send to her at the end of the week, but on this morning my PC broke down and I was devastated, it meant so much to me, so I called her, she tried to comfort me, but also tried to remain somewhat distant... and about a few hours later I stupidly tried to call her again, then she didn't pick up, and sent me a text "I'm sorry I can't do it right now, it is really tough for me, and we have to be strong I just have to be with myself right now"
I understood... but now the week is coming to an end, I haven't been able to eat, I haven't been able to sleep... basically I have been a train wreck all the time, but I have had time to think everything over, and I really want to be the man she deserves, not the silly boy I was to her, I'm making some pretty major changes about who I am, like selling my powerful overkill PC etc, etc.. but I'm still afraid about what she's going to say, I just love her and losing her would destroy me.

Sorry for the long post, but does anyone have some advice? :)

[smoothy]

Move on and learn from your mistakes... some things can't be undone... some injustices can't be set right... things that have been said can't be unsaid, and memories are unlikely to be forgotten. And statistically... while the only way a person (in this case you) will ever change is if you really, really, REALLY set out to... the odds are most people will fall back into old behavior patterns.

Perhaps in the mean time get some counselling and eventually down the road in a future relationship with someone else you won't make the same mistakes you made with this one. Most people (actually I believe ALL people do) along the way to finding the right person makes mistakes....and we learn from them.

[Jake2008]

I am sorry to say it sounds like too little, too late.

While it is a very good thing you have some insight into how the relationship ended to help you with the next relationship, the relationship you have just lost, isn't about to be re-started simply because you've come to some realizations about yourself, too late.

One of your reasons for your insecurities, as you said, was a psycho ex. What you did was bring the past into the current relationship. That statement alone tells me, that you had not worked out enough about letting go of the psycho, and indeed, blaming her for you bringing feelings of insecurities, into the next relationship.

It is never okay to live in the shadow, under influence, of anybody. There are reasons you allowed that to happen in the first place, and figuring out why you allowed that in the first place, will help you take control of your own emotions, without blaming your past for causing them.

We always look for reasons things end, and you have some very good insight into your situation. But to blame another, is to not realize that you had control all along, but your own roadblocks caused the demise of the relationship.

Before you carry the hurt and destruction emotionally into the next relationship, and you undermine healthy healing, I think that counseling would be a good option for you. Become your own person, without the heavy fog of the past, overpowering you.

Without some insight into your own behavior and decisions, finding a new love will be very difficult.

But, clearly this current relationship you had, is over. She has been kind and caring about this, and she remains in a far better place than you. She let go of what wasn't working, and moved on. Love has nothing to do with it.

Best of luck to you.

[talaniman]

Sorry guy but your hopeless romantic, needy kid act hasn't worked so accept being dumped and have the dignity and self respect to just leave. Time to stand on your own and work on your own issues without her. Maybe she misses you, maybe she won't, that's no longer the point. The point is accepting what has happened and acting mature about it.

Leave and get your act together.

[Minuoma]

No, I'm not about to let go of this kind of woman for me being stupid, tomorrow will be the day we finally talk and I'm really, really, REALLY set out to change about it, I was an idiot but now, when I saw myself from another side, I can fix this, I know I can.
Thanks for the replies, will let You know how it went.

[talaniman]

How can you FIX this?

[Minuoma]

By treating her right, I know she still loves me, she told me so.I think that I can fix this by showing her that I'm truly the person she fell in love with, not the idiot I sometimes turned into, she and I both know that sure we had fights but we had hell of a lot more good times.

[talaniman]

Good luck guy. Please keep us updated.

[smoothy]

No, I'm not about to let go of this kind of woman for me being stupid, tomorrow will be the day we finally talk and I'm really, really, REALLY set out to change about it, I was an idiot but now, when I saw myself from another side, I can fix this, I know I can.
Thanks for the replies, will let You know how it went.

You ARE aware of how dangerously close you are coming to being a stalker by saying that? Just something to seriously think about (and you really should as should anyone trying to force their way into anyone's good graces)... before it gets ugly. Which it CAN do very, very fast. You are sounding obsessive with the words you are choosing to use.

Nothing worth having needs that kind of work. Because if its right and meant to be....you won't need to.

Doesn't sound to me like you've dated very many people.

[Cat1864]

By treating her right, I know she still loves me, she told me so.I think that I can fix this by showing her that I'm truly the person she fell in love with, not the idiot I sometimes turned into, she and I both know that sure we had fights but we had hell of a lot more good times.

I have to agree with smoothy that you are very close to sounding obsessed. That is not good for you, her, or any relationship.

In all of your writings, I have not seen where you are truly willing to listen and abide by what she wants. Everything seems to be about what you want and how you can get it.

Maybe, she will be willing to give you another chance. Maybe she won't. Even if she still loves you it doesn't mean she will be willing to go through all the stress and pain again. For her there will always be a shadow of fear that you will revert to the negative ways especially if you don't get what you want.

It takes more than flowers and cd's/videos to rebuild trust. It takes time and fully understanding what you put the other person through. It takes patience. It takes putting your wants aside to fill your partner's needs. It takes your partner being willing to allow trust to rebuild. She has to be willing to give you a chance. If she is hesitant and you are too focused on what you want, then walk away before there are more negative than positive emotions between you.

Stop and think about this: You are not and cannot be the person you were when she fell in love with you. She isn't the person who fell in love with you. The relationship cannot be what it was. That is all in the past. Do not try to repeat the past because you will only end up back in this spot again. Instead, if she is willing to try, start over. Go back to dating. Rebuild the relationship on a more secure foundation. Rebuild the trust together. Work on your insecurities and issues so they do not cause problems again in the future. Give her time to let go of the pain and negative emotions. Do not try to force the relationship to go at your pace.

There is a chance that you can build a stronger relationship but it will take a lot of patience, time, and understanding.

[ma0641]

"...can you imagine I had to be alone the whole day after being broken that kind of news...". You sound and act like an OC person. From what she has said, move on.

[Jake2008]

I do wish you the best of luck.

You might want to put your money where your mouth is, so to speak, and seek counseling for yourself. It would be very beneficial to you to gain some insight and understanding into your behavior, in order to change your behavior.

But, to head down the road without learning how to make changes, will likely end you up in the same spot you are in now. And that is not a healthy place to be.

Learning how to argue for instance, is learning how to communicate just as much as communicating with general everyday conversations about nothing in particular. But we all argue with our mates, and learning how to effectively argue by communicating, only builds a relationship, it does not destroy it.

That is one example of what you can learn. What your triggers are, your fears; how pride and insecurity undermine the foundation of a relationship, all of that and more are common topics that can be insightful enough strengthen any relationship. I hope that you aren't thinking that only love will take you (again) through the rough spots.

You need to learn.

Best of luck.

[Fr_Chuck]

Your trouble, is that you are selfish. Plan and simple, you talk about all you did for her. Sorry buying and paying for things is not what she needed. She was graduating from University, this is a big deal, you needed to have taken off work, and be with her and help her. This was for her, one of the biggest time of her life, and you think she should be happy over a few "things" you bought her. Then you were angry when she woke you up. (god stupid) You should have either not went to sleep, (it will not kill you) or had your own alarm sit, or been all smiles and jumped up to fix her breakfast.

You just do not get it, and to be honest, it seems that there was lots of fighting, most likely because she was not getting the attention she wanted and the two of you did not know how to communicate well.

If you want to fix it, the only chance I see, is ask her to go to counseling, admit you were a jerk for not being there for her graduation more. But honestly, to me, it sounds like it is over, and had problems all along