[Dstny618]

A litte over a year ago, I met a man that I was certain was the one. What started as a long distance relationship has grown into what I had only dreamed about. I recently moved to be with him and now that I have everything I've ever wanted, things should be perfect, right? Just one problem... my insecurity/anxiety issues!
At first I was fine. Even with how hard it was at times trying to make the long distance thing work... I didn't mind because I loved him so much and I was sure that eventually one of us would make the move to be together. I love him now more than ever, but now that I'm here with him and I have everything I wanted, my insecurity is ridiculous.
If he doesn't kiss me when I get home, send me a sweet email/text throughout the day, the worries start to pour. I will worry myself SICK about things that I make up in my head. That he doesn't love me like he did, that he's having second thoughts... that now that I've left everything I've ever known to be with him he's going to change his mind and I'm going to be here all alone.
Truth is... he is an amazing guy, and I want this so bad. The ugly truth is... I am ultimately ruining my dream. Things will start going well, and I'll have another episode. I get upset over those tiny things and my anxiety takes over and I'll admit... I'm hell to be around. We talked last night after another one of my moodswings. I asked him where he saw us 5 years from now and he said that if I would have asked him that 3 months ago he could have told me, but now he doesn't know. He said that all he wants is the old me back... the happy-go-lucky, beautiful, secure me. Crap... where did I put her?!
I don't know why I even asked that... I guess I thought my insecurity would ease if I could hear that he sees a real future with me even though in the back of my mind I know I'm asking at a time when I'm probably going to get an answer I don't like. As much as it hurt to hear that, I can't blame him. If the shoe was on the other foot, there's no way I'd deal with my attitude and mood swings. I know I have a real problem and as much as I want to fix it for us, I need to fix it for me.
I'm seriously considering seeking professional help, but am a little embarrassed that I've let it get to a point where it is out of my hands and to be honest... don't even know how to go about it.
Please someone out there give me advice. I want to get back to my old self... for him and for me. It's so much better being happy and just living in the moment, but I don't know why I let my problems take that away from me. Ahhh... HELP!

[tickle]

Have you ever heard the expression 'biting your lip' before you say something you will regret, and looks like that has happened many times. Reality is keeping your mouth shut and not putting your foot in it. If you really try hard you can do it and when you master that, it will be a piece of cake and you can have all you ever wanted with him.

tick

[talaniman]

Fear, and insecurity does make us needy, and I think the best way to not give in to those feelings is to think well before you act, or speak, and not just impulsively try to get the reassurance, and control, you only think you need. Practice that, and it becomes second nature, and automatic over time.

Most things in the world are beyond our control any way, but that doesn't stop us from wanting, or needing to control them, and get what we want from them. It's that disappointment when we don't have the expectations met that triggers our fears, to make bad decisions based on that fear, and not facts. Maybe our expectations are not realistic, and need some adjusting.

What stands out most in your post though, is that you have wrapped your whole being into this relationship so much, that it has replaced your entire identity, and you are defined by how well its going. You want to know where you lost yourself? Just look back to where the relationship became more important to you, than you are to yourself. All you can see, is what you can get that justifies your being there, and its easy to see the conflict that this has caused, because you want this guy to be responsible for YOUR happiness. That's impossible, and you are the only one responsible for what makes you happy, so being more realistic about what he, and this relationship, can and can't do, and balancing what you should be doing for yourself, will bring the YOU back that has gone missing.

If you need further guidance through this process, then by all means ask your doctor for his referral or help in getting it. There is no shame in needing help with skills that you need to survive, and make yourself a better person. The shame lies in not reaching out, and not seeking that help.

I suspect you of being isolated, and with not much going on outside this relationship. Would I be right??

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.



How long were you two communicating long distance before you moved to be with him and how long have you been there?

I think you have put so much in to this fairytale and you have forgotten reality.
This relationship is not going to be perfect, no relationship is no matter how much you love each other.
Talk to a professional about this insecurity you are feeling and calm down and think before you speak.
Make some friends and get a life apart from him. Don't allow him to be your world, that is unrealistic. You need other things, hobbies, friends, things to bring you back to reality.

[Dstny618]

We dated long distance a little over 9 months and I have been here about 3.

[Dstny618]

Yes... unfortunately you are right.

[tickle]

I know what Homegirl means, Destiny. You must, to save your sanity and your relationship, get out and do something in the community where you live. Jog, join a gym, meet other people so you can go home to him with a fresh perspective on what you two mean to each other.

Tick

[Dstny618]

I am ashamed at what I have become, but you are all so right. So much... ok, lets say all of the way I feel on a certain day spins off this relationship and I hate that I am this way. I do realize that I need to keep my mouth shut, but then my anxiety overwhelms me and even when I do not say anything I have trouble hiding my mood. He asks what's wrong and I don't know what to tell him. I've tried the simple, "nothing", but it's obvious that's a lie. Then he feels as if I'm mad at him, but the honest truth is I am so mad at myself. I can't believe that I could have this right in front of my face and I'm going to be the one to throw it away if I don't do something about it. I feel like I need constant reassurance from him or this ugliness inside of me starts making up reasons as to why he's not and I don't want to be like that.
I never had a problem being completely OK with myself before I met him, and even while things were long distance I had no issues. I guess because when we would go so long without seeing each other the attention was always focused on just us when we did. I need to learn how to get back to my old self again and just be happy that we are together. I realize that the only problem here is me and I need to fix it. I just am at a loss for where to start.

[talaniman]

Start by making yourself happy when you are apart. Do some good things for yourself, and enjoy just being you, (thats your problem, you just ain't happy with yourself) and let him know that you are mad at yourself, but assure him that you're dealing with it. And smile.

[Cat1864]

Stop feeling ashamed. You have recognized there is a problem and are asking for help AND you didn't wait five years to do so.

Start by building a life outside the relationship.

Do you work or go to school? Get involved in your new community. Learn more about it. Make it home.

When you weren't with him, what did you do to occupy your time? Did you have any hobbies or activities that you enjoyed?

Meet people and make new friends. Look for for creative ways to keep up with old ones.

Do you feel like you are living in his house as a guest or in your (the plural form) home as a partner?

[Homegirl 50]

Could it be you are so caught up in the fairytale, you are not really happy and are feeling insecure because you're not?
You moved a distance away from the familiar and so yes you may feel a bit insecure. Are you sure you are really happy with him after all you have given up?

[Dstny618]

I am happy here. It has definitely been a huge change, but I don't regret coming here at all. I have thought about finding a hobby, or getting involved in something that I enjoy doing but I haven't thought of anything just yet. The thing is... sometimes I find myself thinking about my relationship so much that I don't allow myself to think about other things. I have found before that even when I go out and try to do something on my own that I normally would enjoy I don't because it seems then I'm thinking things like, "it would be so much better if he were here too," or "I wonder what he's doing..." Pretty pathetic I know... I can't get my mind to stop. I purposely free myself from anything else I could be doing when I know he is going to be around because it's like I don't want to miss any time with him.

[Homegirl 50]

Well you need to get a grip on that, is not healthy. You need a life apart from him. He should not be encompassing so much of your day and activity. It does not mean he means any less to you if you do things without him, if fact you should.
Do you two live together?

[Dstny618]

Yes we do live together.

[Homegirl 50]

Yeah, you need a hobby, some friends something to do apart from him.
Your life should not revolve around him.

[Dstny618]

I will find something... I have to. I really don't want to loose this. I don't know why or how things got to be this way for me, but I don't like what it has caused me to become. It has turned into an obsession for me to not be able to do something without thinking of him.

[aussiejobbo]

Answers such as those will not help unless you recognise the cause of your suffering in the first place. I would suggest finding a recommended psychologist to help you through for sure. Not a therapist, a psychologist.

I'm not directly addressing your relationship. That is not the issue at stake. The issue at stake is you. This is not a bad thing. In fact it is an amazing chance to learn who you really are and find yourself. Once this happens you will have no insecurity. Be mindful though. It takes courage, dedication and passion. I will give you a very broad spectrum of self analysis to consider and use. It does not work if read once but if you adopt the ideas below and learn them, it is absolutely possible to remove the conditioning from your mind that gives you such fears. I hope this helps.

There is a reason for you feeling this way. Your mind is telling you that something is wrong. The problem is you have no idea what it is. Insecurity, yes but why? You do not believe yourself equal to this man. What you wrote tells me that you have little self respect, self awareness and self worth.
He is not the issue to focus on here. It is you.

Having little of these vital components does not mean that you are inadequate in any way. It simply tells you that along the way you have been blinded to who you really are and fallen under the weight of others opinions about you, assumed or directly given about you.

Couple this with the love felt for your man and you have a sticky situation. Why? Because you need him to love you and show you this as much as possible... because you are replacing your own opinion of yourself with his opinion of yourself. Otherwise you'd be feeling love without all this worry. We will always have worries but you have shown me that what you have is beyond that.

It is difficult to judge without talking to you properly but if you remember a time that you felt secure in yourself. What made it change? Others opinions of you, opinions you assumed they had or opinions they told you they had (in a negative or positive way it does not matter) all carry a massive influence if we hold them above our own. This is a very bad practise but is easy to do because positive ones makes us feel good when we feel fad.

I agree you need to find passions/activities etc that that you enjoy. Do you have any? Note there is a fine line in pride reflected in others appreciation and seeking that appreciation or approval as the way to feel good... the latter means that you are giving their opinion precedence over your own self pride which means that instantly you are susceptible to their disapproval by inherently giving it precedence over yourself respect. This is exactly how we get stuck needing others to make us feel good, and when we hide our true beliefs to seek this approval in the fear that they might dislike them then we lie to ourselves, hurt ourselves and put a dent in our self respect and self worth.

Why be afraid of what other people think? Their thoughts are of no more value than your own, particularly when making assumptions about you or anything to do with yourself such as beliefs, values or opinions. At most you can choose to value theirs and maybe even adopt parts of them... BUT there is no shame in having a change of opinion. You've learned new information, judge it worthy if you will and add it into your opinion if you like. There is no failure in such things. I've changed my opinion of many things and they were certainly not failures, despite sometimes being judged harshly for having them. This judgement tell you nothing about yourself. It tells you about the person making the judgement and their values and beliefs... and often their arrogance and misconception in doing so. In short... its their problem not yours.

I'll put it like this. Take out your current relationship and focus on what you like. If you don't try at something you care about then you have nothing whatsoever to feel good about personally. If you give something a pretty good go then congratulations for trying. If you give something your all, massive kudos for being so determined regardless where your limit is found.
This is simply all that can be asked of you by you as a reasonable expectation. It is this way of doing right by yourself by understanding this and put it into practise. This is where you will start to break your cage.

You remind me of my partner actually. For so long she tells me she is afraid of embracing or exploring her likes, interests or opinions which in turn give her identity and all because there might be other people with the same "expectations" or beliefs about her that she experienced when she was younger. There might be other people who disagree, be contemptuous, have a better opinion, believe they have a better opinion or dislike her for it. I'll get to the reasons that why what others think of you is absolutely trivial in the evaluation of yourself in a bit.

Now as an adult you know that heaping expectations on yourself or having them heaped upon you as a child/teenager do terrible things to yourself respect, self worth and self honesty. Are they worth keeping then? Hell no. Those expectations to do well at all things no matter from what source, parents, yourself, loved ones are not worthy of your ability OR efforts. You were younger then. There were many perceived reasons to hold other's in higher regard than yourself... this is pushed upon children in our society, not necessarily in a cruel or unloving way. The only expectation worth anything is to do something to your best ability and effort. Even if you try and don't it is nothing more than a way to learn more about yourself.

Unfortunately due to feelings of expectations, age, lack of understanding and fear she stayed with it, using it to protect herself from other's judgement, not realising how it would crush her and her self respect, teaching a falsity balanced on the omission of truth. Now after following it for so long she tells me she is afraid of embracing or exploring her likes, interests or opinions which in turn give her identity and all because there might be other people with the same "expectations" or beliefs about her that she experienced when she was younger. There might be other people who disagree, be contemptuous, have a better opinion, believe they have a better opinion or dislike her for it. I'll get to the reasons that why what others think of you is absolutely trivial in the evaluation of yourself in a bit.

I'll put it like this. If you don't try then you have nothing whatsoever to feel good about. If you give something a pretty good go then congratulations for trying. If you give something your all, massive kudos for being so determined regardless where your limit is found. This is simply all that can be asked of you by you as a reasonable expectation. It is this way of doing right by yourself by understanding this and put it into practise. This is where you will start to break your cage.

The truth is anything worth learning is going to be varying levels of difficulty, easy to hard depending on your natural ability and effort spent, or everyone would be able to do it from the get go. Willpower or effort is required. So is passion. The former comes easy when paired with the latter... so FIND YOUR PASSIONS. Don't let others stifle them with possible dislike. They have nothing to do with it. Passions are for your enjoyment and personal gain, not for you to seek praise from others over your ability with them.

Note there is a fine line in pride reflected in others appreciation and seeking that appreciation or approval as the way to feel good... the latter means that you are giving their opinion precedence over your own self pride which means that instantly you are susceptible to their disapproval by inherently giving it precedence over yourself respect. This is exactly how we get stuck needing others to make us feel good, and when we hide our true beliefs to seek this approval in the fear that they might dislike them then we lie to ourselves, hurt ourselves and put a dent in our self respect and self worth.

Why be afraid of what other people think? Their thoughts are of no more value than your own, particularly when making assumptions about you or anything to do with yourself such as beliefs, values or opinions. At most you can choose to value theirs and maybe even adopt parts of them... BUT there is no shame in having a change of opinion. You've learned new information, judge it worthy if you will and add it into your opinion if you like. There is no failure in such things. I've changed my opinion of many things and they were certainly not failures, despite sometimes being judged harshly for having them. This judgement tell you nothing about yourself. It tell you about the person making the judgement and their values and beliefs... and often their arrogance and misconception in doing so. In short... its their problem not yours.

Say some hot girl calls you a fat lesbian *****? Does that mean you are some or any of those things? You'd take offence I'm sure wihtout even questioning the total lack of worth in what she just said. Are you fat? Would you feel bad? “Oh God I look fat! I feel horrible and sad.” “Are you a lesbian? Oh maybe you find girls attractive, how did she know ***!” “Am I a *****?” “What did I do?” I must have done something nasty. I'm a loser. In reality the hot girl has absolutely no reason valid or otherwise to call you such a thing and for whatever reason (ie taking "her" car park) was just trying to hurt you and threw an insult off the top of her head. Even if she did have a good reason... extremely unlikely... it does not warrant acceptance of such a worthless and spiteful opinion. Does her opinion have more merit because she's hot? What a ridiculous thought... one we are conditioned to accept in this society by the sheer amount of emphasis on looks in advertising and fame. Do we want to be famous? That is just seeking approval unless we have that pride in self already... it gets so many people.

Maybe this analogy wouldn't affect you but I know many would be affected by it. So... is such behaviour worth you taking to heart? Worth justifying against or even considering? Fuuuuuck no lol! They're of no more importance no matter how pretty they are, how rich they are, or how smart the are compared to say a crackhead in the street. They are just someone with a problem they have made for themselves, one that's making them unhappy, again their problem, not yours. This is the way you have to watch your thoughts, if something happens and you get a bad feeling or a good one... question it!! See what makes it tick and see whether its "real" or not! I've given you a guideline. So be aware and catch them out, fix them in your head with cautious reflective understanding and then move on... it can happen all day long on all levels of interaction.

This is what I've been doing as many times as I can remember. At first its hard to remember. By reading this, by writing this by thinking about your thoughts it gets easier and more common until you're doing it half the time... by then you'll be noticing your opinions and values on this stuff changing. Its really not that hard it just takes a choice to commit, just like anything worth learning.

This is what I mean when I say be aware!! If you just think think think without looking at the thoughts and seeing if they're any good then they're worthless! Especially old negative thoughts that are the same as the ones you had years ago!!

How can you view yourself as inferior. Because you can make mistakes? Because you can fail? Because you don't have a perfect body or perfect intelligence? If you had Jessica Alba's naturally amazing and extremely expensively maintained body with your mentality you'd feel great but quite a bit of that would be for the wrong reasons, then you'd start to fear getting old, losing your looks, whether people actually value you as you or just your body etc. What if you were smarter and more educated than Einstein but had scars all over your face? Its all a mindset and the truth is everyone else does so much of the same thing. Often just as much and its going on all the time. Some are more clued up than others and often confidence you think you're seeing can often be just ego from others and nothing to do with self evaluated worth. We see it in hollywood with suicides, drugs and lack of purpose. Such a life has very little meaning. A succession of instant gratification followed by loss and longing until the next sating. Can you see the pattern in your relationship? You need those comments those texts those calls... This is no way to live.

On the topic of likes and opinions, they're just that. It does not define us. It does not make us who we are. It is our creation, derived from our experience with information interpreted by our senses. Language, speech, words are not directly sensed. They are learned. You can spell a word wrong, thus something learned can be understood by us but that does not mean it is true or right.

Take anything you learn from any source other than your own direct experience... it is information. Not truth. It may have a degree of truth but this may be omitting other unknown truths or based on particular circumstances. This means it is information presented but with every possibility of being very different to truth.

It has reached this point by being processed through other minds. No mind is perfect. They bias information no matter what. Just using words bias information. Minds make judgements, assumptions, conclusions and all of these can and usually are flawed in more than one way.

If you take what someone says as the truth it means you believe them to KNOW EVERYTHING about what they are presenting as information for you to "believe." Obviously impossible and even being close to this is very, very rare.

Even if you don't know much about something it does not mean that someone who knows a great deal has a better opinion. This is a misconception, after all you can have a journalist who believes that someone is guilty based on information they have found and believed to be true. They have also made assumptions about the person based on their past experiences or knowledge about similar people, also assumptions that their information is correct and whole. This in turn will bias their opinion when they write an article. That article can be read by many and many of those people will be influenced by the journalist due to a lack of ones own opinion or self worth as well as the common misconception that a single article is factual enough to base a whole opinion on. You cannot form an opinion on one article, one experience, one person... or many for that matter. It takes time, diverse experience, understanding and an interest to uncover the truth.

If I say you're crap at sport because you can't beat me at hockey... you'd take it as truth and be upset. That's absolutely terrible reasoning. Do I know if you could play other sports.. do you for that matter? Do I know if you've given it your best shot? Do I know how long you've practised for? A day? A few weeks? 3 years?

How hard have you tried? Have you committed everything you've had?

Some are born with more ability than others. YET there are the former beaten by the latter in all aspects of these abilities...
That's because ability can be gained by substituting effort at learning to be more skilled. In fact everyone's ability only takes them so far. Then one must substitute or at least add an increasing amount of effort. Determination comes in handy and when you know the reward its much easier.

Someone goes to the school carnival, comes last in the 100m sprint. Even if they trained for weeks it doesn't mean they aren't worthy as a person. No they're not as good as others at sprinting but does this mean they come in the same spot in a maths exam? Or an art competition, or a car race, or at playing guitar or at being funny or at ballet or at being a Mum or at being a wife or at being a valued friend...

See what I mean?

"Failures". A failure that doesn't confine you to being a failure at everything related or unrelated to what you failed at... this would be an assumption of absolutely no value yet you make it every day because of habit and fear.

So used to feeding your happiness and ego off having ability at things you did well at... when you struggled at something you did well at this shook you deeply. It didn't mean you suddenly stopped being good, just that the level of ability required outstripped you at some point. You couldn't keep up with the possibility of endlessly improving ability. Surprising? Uh Aah... No. Not at all. This may not apply to you but even if you didn't have this in the first place you can see how it traps us.

When someone gets to this point they will need to put in serious effort to improve even a tiny bit, like diminishing returns (again with the maths) - ability requires exponentially more effort to get exponentially less ability. An example? Anything really... how about sport? You hate sport?. no you hate potentially failing at sport... which is one of the activities that takes a lot of repetition and oractise to become good at. How much did you put in?

Practise and play for 6 month. First few weeks will be an overload of information, you'll forget a lot (repetition helps) stuff up a lot, struggle a lot. After a while things start to click. Skills will develop etc, experience gives insight into what makes a better player.
At the end of that 6 months you'll be passable or even good (depending on natural ability).

This could be from being a poor player (only played a bit or played a long time ago) or even not knowing a single rule or which end of the stick you hold. A year down the track and you might be pretty good/very good depending on how much EFFORT you put in to getting better.
5 years and you might only be a little better than after the first in regards to physical ability, but then you're far more experienced... so this means you'll be much better overall.

6 years. You might get a tiny bit better, you might not. Are you the best in the world? Your country? Your state? No?
Does this mean you failed? Say you missed two goals last game? Are you a failure? Should you stop trying to fool people into thinking that you can do better but can't be bothered? Should you have quit in that first 3 weeks when it was all arse to elbow? Should you have quit when your natural ability ran out and you had to start putting in effort to slowly learn more skills with lots of practise and repetition?

You gave up something a long time ago? Does that mean you can't pick it up again and get better than you ever were or even start something else and learn that? No. You can learn anything you want to. All you have to do is actually try your best.

If some things don't sound like you that's fine but I'm trying to guess here what could be holding you down = ]

"I failed at this thing, so I will probably always fail at things that I try to do. I'm scared I'll fail at everything and everyone who sees me will think I suck and that am no good. Now I've tasted failure I know that it hurts. Whats worse is I tasted it doing something I loved and it was extra upsetting. I ended up sorting it out and am ignoring many facts but that's not the point. I don't want to feel that feeling again so I'll just not try at anything I like...ever again.” This will stop that happening.

Old habits die hard. This is why you're stuck. Time to recognise it and leave it for dead. Failing felt bad right? You are scared of it and what people might think. Now because you've lived by this motto for so long people expect you to fail. You've lost people's high expectations of you anyway, and made yourself feel like **** in the process because it wasn't even the real you that you showed them.

How do you feel when you think about not trying at anything for so long? Bad? I bet.

Why? You failed to respect yourself and instead placed others and their beliefs above your own...about yourself. No one knows you better than you. No one can respect you more than you. If someone else respects you or think you're good at something or have ability or potential. It means nothing to your happiness if you don't have that same respect for yourself. This is why your giving up has been pivotal in making you so miserable.

Having taken this path has inflicted alot of self loathing and suffering. I mean how could it not. You were destroying yourself by eliminating future experiences that are what develop into our true selves. It is a deep wound. One that won't heal until you go back to that point...the point that you struggled at something, but this time even though you've tried again and again you use courage, determination and resolve to clear that barrier. When this happens it will be the moment of a true epiphany, and one of the most important ones in your life.

How to get there? You probably know this but just in case, firstly:

Use courage and the knowledge that you deserve self respect - to face the truth. Now compare it against the assumption you once made. Note all of the factors you didn't consider or unknowingly misconstrued which fed that false assumption. There's no doubt that you'll see how flawed it really is.

If it was someone else's thought, you'd see quickly how they got there but also that it is so utterly mistaken.

How do we value opinion, its accuracy regarding facts and how much of the facts it takes into account, lastly how much is based on outside influences, from whoever holds it or held it before passing it on.

If you look at your opinion on your lack of ability, how it came to be and how it has developed to be all encompassing...read it and watch how little sense it actually makes to your mind.
Now you can understand why and how it is something that you must overcome. This will allow you to be yourself.

You are selectively blind to your potential, even so far as to smother it in fear at every opportunity. You are a shadow of what you can be at the moment. Why live in fear as a shadow of what you can be? It doesn't do you any favours...look at how down it makes you. Imagine letting your passions, ideas, opinions and beliefs flourish...it would set you free. Scary? Why? You're afraid of what? Failing? An opinion can not fail...it can only improve. A belief can not fail...but it can change. An attempt is well known as a potential failure...is this where the fear lies? If we make an attempt and fail at it. We can shut down in fear of failing sure...but this is a mistake. In every failed attempt there is a lesson to learn, no matter how repetitive.

For example: You have attempted to be happy and shake free of the habitual hiding of who you are which generates this insecurity, I'm sure. Have you failed? Does that reflect badly on you? If you think on it with clear and mature thought (which you are more than capable of), then of course it does not. All those attempts mean is that you need to see the lesson behind them. It will give you insight into what isn't working. If something doesn't work its often overlooked to try something completely different, instead we try the same or similar way again and again until we despair.

What holds you back? Fear of what other people think? What puts them above you? Your opinion of them or your opinion of yourself? Others not agreeing? Should we all agree on everything? It is the same with anyone else worthy of being your friend or family or lover in this case. Analyse these opinions on yourself and on others around you and see whether they reflect truth...or false belief. Are you less worthy of life, love, freedom, choice, respect, opinion? How and what could make such an injustice exist? Only your very own mind, making up false assumptions that it turns into rules without even thinking them through, testing them to see if they have faults. In your case the faults are blatant and just because you believe something for certain reasons it does not mean that when faced with better contradicting reasons, that you can't choose to accept those instead.

This is how we change our beliefs...we just forget that its possible so much of the time, we grow attached to them even if they are false. The unknown generates fear. Fear controls us. How do we control fear? By making a choice and sticking to it. If I choose to stick with learning to ride a bike, I might fail at first, i might repeat many mistakes, but sooner or later I will be able to ride a bike. When I ride now I feel so good! Why? Because I am teaching myself that fear is there to be conquered, and doing so gives is the best more self assuring feeling in the world...self respect for sticking with something. Congratulate yourself. Realise what an achievement it is and stand proud. I'm guessing you've forgotten how to do this. Luckily for you there's no time like the present and all it takes is making a choice and sticking with it.

Remember also that impressing yourself with talent and dedication is far more important that impressing others with the results that it brings. Believe it or not it will make you feel so good when you earn that from yourself. Focusing on what others think gives you pride. This pride is strong when you know that you have worked hard for such an accomplishment. Find what you would like to take pride in, whether it be art, dance, music, preference, sport, anything physical or mental requiring passion, skill and dedication.

I understand completely how empty and dark it must feel to not be experiencing such things. I have had times where I have shut off from them also, it felt terrible and life lost meaning. Again we are lucky because we know how to find it again. instead of spending time sitting watching meaningless shows, playing meaningless games, writing meaningless statements on facebook...all it takes is a bit of courage, a bit of passion for something and lastly a bit of determination to stick by the choice you make until you see some results.

You don't think you have what it will take? Are you able to see the future? Are you able to accurately predict the path of your existence. You can predict it, but only if that path is a succession of choices to NOT TRY. This is the biggest waste of life imaginable...how could anyone NOT feel **** if they did this!? Another example. I can't skate for ****...I tried for years and only got marginally better. I felt bad for a while because i "failed" but then I decided to try something else becuase I knew I couldn't be bad at everything. I started to do BMX, within weeks I was pulling jumps and having an awesome time. The feeling was incredible and i was so proud of myself. Had I not done anything else because I was scared it'd be like skating I would have missed out big time. Should I have felt like a loser or "less" worthy because I couldn't? You tell me and then look at yourself. The failed attempt doesn't even have to be at anything anywhere near as challenging as your role in that play at 11 years of age... it doesn't make you less. It just teaches you a lesson, work harder at it, ask for help, try again and again, have a break, try something else.

If a person can't sing even after lessons what does that make them? Less worthy as a person that someone who can? Can you see the incredulity behind your reasoning? Damn right you can lol. Besides the person who can't sing uses their passions for music to learn to play the guitar and 5 years later he's in a band having an absolute blast. This is where a bit of courage, determination and passion can take you... from shadow into sunshine.

If you've lost touch with what you think is important, what you love, what you enjoy doing or what you think... all it takes is the choice to start again. I mean its not like they're lost forever... they're just waiting where you left off.

So! Its time to make some new choices ones and I'm going to help you. Your choices are ideally going to be focused on what you like and finding out about it, that and doing it at a less demanding level because that little girl is demanding a lot of your effort!

Scared you don't like anything? Not humanly possible. You might be scared of liking something but that's not the same thing is it.

So... what do you like?

What music, job, sport, activity, interest, ideas? You might not feel anything concrete but that's natural. We get a feeling of interest but then we have to try it out. They change over time too. It is by experience that we find whether it is a passion or not. This isn't a half hearted 5 minutes once or twice. It is applying yourself for your spare time in a couple of weeks. In two weeks time you'll know about it, have an opinion about it, realise your level of interest and be able to relate to others if they have interest for it also. What's more rewarding, looking back on those two weeks and half remembering some episodes, Fb comments, solitaire games etc... or looking back at how far you've come and developed yourself from who you were two weeks ago into who you are now... a much happier person. The only real challenge here is sticking with your choice... and when its sticking with something = happy and neglecting a choice made = unhappy... what more motivation could you want.

Of course the first time will be the hardest but only because you don't know how good the reward feels!

I have the passion, courage and determination to help you break down this wall of yours and I have made a choice to do so. I will stick with this choice until I see real results, namely the happiness you will exude when you unearth the potential you've buried for so long. I have no expectations, other than you will try your best because you deserve it, not me. You are tired of the way you feel. The solution is right here for the taking. It is time now, right now.

Time for you to take a bit of courage and come out from the shadows, look yourself up and down with a mature and understanding gaze of who you are who you aren't, realise your wonderful qualities and minor flaws are all a part of being human, just like everyone else whether we see them or not. Step forward, mindful of where you came from and where you want to go, understanding of your past mistakes, the lessons they teach and that your future's potential is decided by what you do right now.

Waiting for the future to make things better is probably the worst mistake we all can make.

Right here, reading this and acknowledging that you must be completely honest with yourself, choose your path with resolve and continue to do so from now on. You owe it to yourself.

Yours to read. At first it is easy to forget to be aware of all this during each day and night... in 15 minutes and so on. That is why you need to go over it often. A concept you can revist each day, reading and remembering, learning to apply it to your daily life. It won't be instant and will take all of the virtues I've listed. You have these. I know you do even without having met you. You just have to choose to learn this as a belief. Over time it will become more and more solid until you won't have to read it anymore. You will be free.


Anyway if I've repeated things that's OK because it is key to learning! Plus I'm tired and need sleep lol.

No one is set in stone.

Best wishes.

Anon.

[talaniman]

Just an observation, but you have latched on to his fellow after knowing him for a year, yet your expectations for him to be perfect for you have disappointed you, and already you hope he changes to meet your needs.

Seldom does change, and adjusting to reality occur that fast, and it takes years to define, and establish a relationship, with a lot of work along the way. You want an instant fix, a quick comfort zone, and that's not going to happen. You can start to build a life that you enjoy, that makes you happy, or be like a junkie waiting for a fix. It is entirely your choice to make, and I hope you get a better plan than the one you have.

Heck volunteering your time would be better than making excuses as to why things are not happening as you want them too, and you really should start being good to yourself, and making yourself happy. Then you would have something good to share with your partner as you enjoy getting to know each other.

Baby steps, one day at a time.

[Homegirl 50]

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.



Get your own place and your own life and date each other in a normal setting, then you will I think feel more secure because your life would not hinge on him. You have known this guy long distance nine months but that does not mean you two really know each other. You then picked up and moved in with him.

[Dstny618]

I really don't know how or why these feelings started. It's just that I seem to have a real problem knowing how a healthy relationship should be. In my head I know that when things settle they are never going to be what they were in the beginning. The so called honeymoon phase of the relationship. I have always been one to hold back for so long in a new relationship... trying not to lay all of my feelings on the line. Eventually these feelings have to be expressed. But it's like once I let these feelings go, this is where all the worrying/stressing comes in. Before all of this, things are amazing and I love the person that I am when I'm at that point. Maybe I feel as if I've lost the control that I feel like I have before my feelings are put out there. I am always trying to live in the future and I am constantly paranoid and fearing the worst. But why do I feel like I have to have that control?. there's something wrong there.

There's really nothing I can think of that he needs to change... He's great to me. The whole problem here is me, my unreasonable expectations and trying to figure out why I have become so completely worried over nothing. I just think up things to worry about and I don't know how to stop. So what if he gets home after a long week of work and doesn't want to be all over me? So what if I don't get that simple email/text on a daily basis just to say that he's thinking of me? Deep down I realize those things are so petty to expect. But why does my mind run crazy trying to make me believe that it is some HUGE deal when I know that it's not?

I wish I could stop my mind right in it's tracks and push my negative thoughts/feelings out the window, but I just don't know how.