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Christine1119 · Mar 4, 2015, 04:15 AM

My boyfriend is hurt by my past. We've been dating for 9 months, he tells me he is in love with me and treats me so good, and I am in love with him. He is the greatest guy in in the world and I've never had such a connection before. I told him about my past and he was very hurt, I've slept with 5 guys 4 of them not being in a relationship with and he has only slept with me. I wish I could take my past back and feel horrible.

My question is should I let him sleep with other girls and have the experience I've had even though it would hurt me so much, but not feeling as bad about my past? Do you think this could make our relationship stronger even for the future?

Homegirl 50 · Mar 4, 2015, 05:24 AM

How would allowing him to sleep with others girls help? If he is willing to do this he is no better. How old are you two?
Your past is your past. It sounds like he is jealous and wants to control you by using your past to do it. He needs to either get over it or you need to get over him before he tears you down

Fr_Chuck · Mar 4, 2015, 05:29 AM

Of course you don't "let" him sleep with other girls. That is, sorry, just stupid, and sounds like something a man (or boy) says when they just want to have sex with other people.Two people that really love each other do not ( and do not want to ) have sex with others, If he is wanting to have sex with others, then he does not really love you.

Next why does he even know about all of your past. That is yours and he really never needed to know. Past sex is not a score card, where we keep score.

Cat1864 · Mar 4, 2015, 05:40 AM

Originally Posted by Christine1119

My boyfriend is hurt by my past. We've been dating for 9 months, he tells me he is in love with me and treats me so good, and I am in love with him. He is the greatest guy in in the world and I've never had such a connection before. I told him about my past and he was very hurt, I've slept with 5 guys 4 of them not being in a relationship with and he has only slept with me. I wish I could take my past back and feel horrible.

My question is should I let him sleep with other girls and have the experience I've had even though it would hurt me so much, but not feeling as bad about my past? Do you think this could make our relationship stronger even for the future?

I am going to be blunt. You need a new boyfriend if this one is so hung up on your past that he can only think with his privates. If he wants to have intercourse with other women just to make himself feel better then he doesn't love you and he doesn't care about you. He is only thinking about himself and his desires.

What is being discussed sounds more like punishing you for your past than anything else. He isn't the great guy you want him to be.

You should not feel horrible or guilty about your past. It is your past and part of what makes you the person you are today. He either accepts it and deals with his feelings in a suitable manner (cheating is not suitable and it would definitely be cheating since you would be consenting under duress) or you both need to go your separate ways. This relationship will be doomed if you say okay to his having sex with others because it will not solve the issue of his disliking your past. It will only add to the negative thoughts and feelings.

talaniman · Mar 4, 2015, 07:15 AM

Give him an appropriate time to get over his immaturity, and grow up. If he does not, then the guy and this connection is not as great and healthy as you think. You should never be ashamed, or guilty, over the choices you made in the past if you have learned, and grown from them, and tried to do better today. That's what makes you a great partner now, because of those past experiences right?

See if he can grow up and learns what a good thing he has, and can he appreciate you for what you are, or else you will know if you have given your heart to a young fool who doesn't deserve you, or know how to deal with you. Then you have to let him mature without you and catch up to you on his own.

No guy who is worth it would ever make you feel bad about yourself, no matter what your past was like. Giving in to this immaturity is simply WRONG, when you know you deserve BETTER, and can do BETTER. Or have you not learned that for yourself from your own past?

Now that would be a real shame wouldn't it? Whatever his issues, don't make them YOURS!

Wondergirl · Mar 4, 2015, 10:13 AM

This is why your past is nobody's business. "Being totally honest" with a boyfriend/girlfriend about one's sexual past always backfires and causes tons of hurt feelings, distrust, anger. But it's no excuse/reason that your boyfriend should now knock himself out sleeping with other women -- to even the score? to get back at you? That would only pile on more distrust and anger in your relationship.

Others here will respond and have responded to your question to give you helpful ideas. Mine is to consider couples counseling, especially to resolve the hurt and anger and to help both of you move on together, if that's the hope and the plan.

joypulv · Mar 4, 2015, 10:46 AM

BOTH of you suffer from 'ownership' problems, which have subsets of 'parenting each other' problems, all falling under the dreaded umbrella of CONTROL.

He has no right to be jealous of what went on before he got involved with you, you are feeling needlessly guilty and horrible, and on the other hand, you don't 'let' him do anything. You may say that you didn't mean giving permission, but you did. Relationships that operate this way are doomed from the start - all of them. So sit down together and talk about the bigger picture of two separate people who share, compromise, and negotiate how to merge wishes and differences. Drop the childish 'Love will get us through' and 'love conquers all' mindset. It's work.

I would have tried to fix the damage by convincing him that sex didn't mean much to you until you met him. Sounds true - is it?

odinn7 · Mar 4, 2015, 06:58 PM

Oh man...not another one of these questions about a guy who can't seem to be man enough to let the past be in the past. Wait...don't tell me...let me guess....he cries over it and you feel awful when he does...oh! and you can't stand that you hurt him so much! Right?

Really...your past is your past BEFORE you met him. If he is hung up on it then you don't need this in your life. And no...letting him sleep with other girls is not the answer. It's really a rather stupid answer to a problem that doesn't actually exist.

Catsmine · Mar 5, 2015, 02:11 AM

A wise man once defined "Love" as "that condition in which the happiness and well-being of another become essential to your own."

Any relationship is more complicated than can be typed out, even in long books, but using that definition, do you think he loves you?

Precious7 · Mar 5, 2015, 03:40 PM

Are you serious? If you think if your Boyfriend will sleep with other girls while he is in relationship with you in present, that's going to wipe out your past or even out with your present and future! Then its totally absurd and a great ''Lie'' (if your boyfriend is suggesting this great IDEA) . If he does that that would be unfaithfulness in his part. What ever happened with you in past, is happened and he cannot change it. That past doesn't define you. The Truth is, If he is really is a greatest guy in the world, He will love you for who you are in your present and for your future. He may get little uncomfortable after hearing your past but a true love will surpass that also. There are so many greatest men in the world who has accepted people even if they had bad past stories. I'll doubt whether he truly loves you or its just his possessiveness.
This by no means will make your relationship better in future, in fact when you'll understand everything, it will hurt your relationship more.
Be careful, don't believe everything. Know the tree by the fruits it produces. ;).
I hope best for you.

smoothy · Mar 5, 2015, 07:47 PM

Cripes... with problems like this... she needs to find someone a LOT better... which should be easy because most guys aren't this paranoid.. controlling or petty.

And he needs to do a lot more growing up before he decides to play house with any other "girls".

Him acting like this is usually the first sign of a controlling and possibly abusive personality making itself known. EVERYONE has a past of some sort... I don't know ANYONE who has never done anything they don't regret themselves.. or some overly paranoid partner won't find fault with.

DoulaLC · Mar 6, 2015, 05:48 AM

I'm wondering if him sleeping with a few other girls is your idea to somehow make you feel better in hopes that he will consider you even and not be bothered anymore?

Either way, it's a very bad idea. Let him know that the past is just that, the past. The present and the future are what matter now. He'll get over it, and, if for some reason he can't, then you may have to decide to end the relationship for both of you to be able to move on.

Lesson learned... do not ask about past sexual relationships and do not tell about them.