[ANGIE4124]

My 55year old boyfriend thinks he can get a Bank Loan for a house of his own... At this age he wants to go into debit when others generally aspire to be debit free!

He has always been jealous of me owning my own home in which we live a debit free lifestyle and is extremely bitter after losing houses to 2 Ex-wives 8>20+ years ago. Being insecure in himself (generally); he totally boasts and exaggerates about being able to have a place of his own. His thinking is that it would make him be a better man towards me; he wants to show me what he can do?

(He thinks he can't do anything at home... 1. It's already established with garden and pergola etc. 2. He's plain lazy as there is a 'chores list' in things to repair and create at free will!)

There is no rational to his thinking and he does not heed sound advice! Banks have also tightened their lending practises of yesteryear to older borrowers, especially to those who don't have a wage income, which is he. Even if he could get a Loan, the interest rate is phenomenally higher! Still he arrogantly insists he can.

Would someone please kindly work out how he would be a better man towards me? What could he possibly show me that he can't already show and do for us here at home?

Cheers

[smoothy]

He'll go into the financial hole... and you would be expected to bail him out at some point.

Personally... don't you think this is a preview of some of the reasons he has 2 exwives you might have overlooked previously?

[Oliver2011]

"Still he arrogantly insists he can."

Maybe it's just me, but he doesn't sound like the arrogant one. If he has no legal ties to you he's allowed to do whatever he wants with his money.

[Cat1864]

How long have you been together as a couple? How long has he been living in your house?

If it is established, how much of the things in it are his? Furniture, decorations, appliances, etc.? Does he have the freedom to move things around or do you have a set place for everything? Is he really comfortable in your house?

You say that "He’s plain lazy as there is a ‘chores list’ in things to repair and create at free will!" Does he have any freedom in what he does or do the repairs have to be to your standards? What does "create at free will" mean? That he can do what he wants or is there a list of things you want him to 'create'?

Does he have any real say or do you override anything that doesn't fit your established house and garden?

I think you sound like a strong female who knows what she wants and has achieved a lifestyle she enjoys. However, I don't think you quite understand that he has essentially lost his home twice and it has affected his view of his manliness and 'home'.

You own the house. It is yours. He has no stake in it. You can evict him if the relationship doesn't work out. He would be homeless with no place to go. Part of him probably feels a bit vulnerable. Another part probably feel like a failure for not having his own home. He is old enough to have been raised that the male provides the house and stability. What can he provide in this relationship that you haven't already taken care of?

He does need to let the past go. If he is holding on to the mistakes he made, then he isn't giving the present the attention it deserves. He is also allowing the past to damage his current relationship. He might think about counseling if he can't do it on his own.

Is there a way to find a compromise? Instead of getting a house of his own, perhaps renting a small apartment or looking at ways for him to feel like he is more invested in the house.

[odinn7]

Debt-
Something that is owed or that one is bound to pay.

Debit-
The recording or an entry of debt in an account.

[DoulaLC]

His money... but it sounds as though his pride is getting in the way of sound financial reason. As was asked, how long have you been together and do you consider this a permanent relationship? If likely permanent, and you are living together, another option might be to sell your place and purchase something together outright. Would it make a difference to him if his name was on your home as well so that it was both of yours?

Obviously if you don't know if this might be a permanent relationship, keep it the way it is.

If he feels the need to show he can provide, maybe he can put his money towards investing for retirement for the two of you (smartest idea), purchasing a car, treating you to a vacation now and then, etc.

[talaniman]

With this fellow, I think blunt brutal honesty works better than logic or reason, since he doesn't seem to have either, but calmly of course. Makes you understand why he has TWO ex wives though, and that may be something you shouldn't ignore.

[aliseaodo]

Is this the same man you had problems with a few years ago regarding laziness and cleanliness?

[ANGIE4124]

Smoothy
Thank you... there is no expectation to bail him out; our financial arrangement is separate from one another. Much to his previous experience and mutual desire.

Yes in the course of our 7 year relationship I have seen and been given plenty of reasons his 2 ex-wives divorced him. I have not been granted an escape or reprieve from his aggressive temper nor appreciated for not being anything like his Ex's to warrant or accept this behaviour.

Oliver2011
Yes there are legal ties... However he is a free person to do whatever he wishes with his money... that has always been the case! We both prefer separate accounts, yet I manage the household budget and make investments as he would admit himself he has no aptitude in this area.

[ANGIE4124]

Cat1864
You are not a Marriage Expert fornothing... You’ve hit a number of issues that we have discussed in counselling ourselves

The "does he have any real say or do I over ride anything that doesn't fit your established house and garden... ” “Does he have the freedom to move things around etc” sounds very familiar and the answer is YES! Yet in the course of 7 years he has rubbed it in my face, that it’s “YOUR HOUSE!” I accept and understand his loses etc... But his terminology only provides him with an excuse Number 358,695, to do next to nothing. Thus is his make-up

However you are more apt in saying; “he is holding on to the mistakes he made, he isn't giving the present the attention it deserves. He is also allowing the past to damage his current relationship.

Sadly this is the crux of his/our demise. No-one can move forward until from what I see, him going into debt at his age to purchase a house of his own. By his thinking he will show and be a better man towards me. He will be left with no savings which is another important certain for him.

The chore/repair list is something our Counsellor had suggested. As with any household there are odd jobs that need attention, other listed items are at free will – something to do in your own time, they could be special creative projects.

EXAMPLES: 1. He loves his Footy team (ditto) so I drew and designed the team footy emblem as a coffee table for outside when we entertain, he loves it! Yet it’s still unfinished :( 2. He bought a Dartboard 4 years ago, because he had to have one too have his friend over, it’s still unpacked? 3. He bought a Spa 3 years ago; I said it will need to be fenced! Still NO FENCE! 4. He wanted to paint all the rooms a different colour – PINK; thankfully we compromised on Yellow :) only 4 of 9 areas are done since he started in 2010. 5. I suggested his Footy Club colours in the WC; he liked the idea, but still no paint.

I believe; free will has been forwarded to him to express himself, to make his stamp; too feel like he is more invested in the house - to make it a home for both of us.

[ANGIE4124]

Odinn7
I appreciate the correction :)

DoulaLC
Your ideas are very sound indeed. But we'll stay put for now and not purchase something together

Talaniman
I certainly have a true picture why he has TWO Ex-wives, although that's another story.
In short; as I explained to him; I can see how he was a good provider materialistically, he built a house, NOT A HOME!

In learning, these 2 women had divorced him due his lack of emotional comprehension of their needs. His prevailing attitude is that HE built a house and owed it, but she got it all after their divorce, she didn't work... I applaud him for that good achievement, yet he went about ignoring the needs of his first wife and children to play Soccer etc. when he could be playing with them. She in turn found another man who played with her instead of Soccer and built a HOME with him... The second wife after she sustained an injury at work was left to be cared for by her (live in) Mother... His thought was; she's got her Mother there!? He sat and watched TV...

Aliseaodo
Yes it is the same man... but he is no longer unclean :) just Lazy or Laid-back

[joypulv]

I don't see much hope for this unequal relationship.
You have too much and he has too little, and although that CAN work, I don't see it surviving his bitterness over his past and his resentment of what you have.
And you don't seem to be really aware of how obvious all this is, and are here asking even though you see a counselor together.
End it now.

[DoulaLC]

You have not been granted a reprieve or escape from his aggressive behavior?? Is this a matter of convenience for both of you? Of staying with the known?

His is behaviour is not likely to change after 7 years already... you'll have to learn to live with it;accepting that is just the way he is... try the possibility of counseling together... or decide if this relationship is something you want to continue or not.

His going into debt would only be a wedge between you.....whether or not you can convince him of that is hard to say. It sounds as though once he makes up his mind on how to view something might end any discussion?

[ANGIE4124]

Joypulv
You’ve identified his bitterness as have I... It sure has been obvious and the end is near

DoulaLC
There is a smattering of convenience for both of us here I will agree. I would identify us as (complete) opposites although we have equal positive values when it comes to $aving, discipline of children, loyalty, work ethics and sex drive :) that is how we work as a couple

Where we are totally opposite to one another is in the intellectual department. Example; going into (foolhardy) debt as in this case, to come out the poorer for he has no wage income coming in due to a recent disability. He deliriously thinks and arrogantly boasts that he will still be able to borrow money, travel and live in the custom we did before...

Even if we parted ways, he gave up smoking, this is not possible on a $400.00+per week benefit, but it would be his life to which he can attribute that to holding bitterness of the past, his own insecurities and reluctance to appreciate a debt-free lifestyle, which so many would aspire to have and not want to go backwards!?

If he persists in his train of thought, then so be it. What will be, will be

Thank you all for the therapy of your advice to this concern of mine – ANGIE4124

[Jake2008]

You have been with this 55 year old man, for 7 years. Why is he unemployed? And if he wants a mortgage for a new home- are you to co-sign so he can get it? How else would he get a mortgage.

From what I've read, you don't have much going for you when I don't see that you truly care about him, or he truly cares about you. I have to ask, why are you still together? What is good about the relationship, to balance what you have described so far, as a miserable relationship.

I assume you are close to his age, you have worked hard all your life to be debt free, and you've managed your life to a point where you can enjoy your home, and your garden and your freedom. Tell me why you allow him to stay? You aren't considering bankrolling him are you?

I'm not sure if you are still in counseling, or if you and your boyfriend are in counseling together. He does go too, right?

What do you hope to accomplish in counseling? What are the main issues?

Unless I'm missing something here, I'm not sure where you stand with your relationship, or where you want it to go- if anywhere.

[ANGIE4124]

Jake 2008
I think you may have had a different focus on what's been asked and said; perhaps you missed my last reply and some relevant points?

Due to a 'recent' disability he is no longer a wage earner.

I can truly vouch that I care for him a great deal! We may not be a perfect fit but he's my sweetheart until it is over and as he says; he knows I care for him, better than anyone else has in the past...! (Ditto from his family and parents.) At present he's simply suffering a malfunction to think clearly on this matter and I have no intention to abandon him or care for him less because he's not well.

He can stay and share what I have freely offered him from day one or go and please himself of his own desires. Meanwhile he has chosen to stay, but old memories and insecurities are affecting his judgement. His friends have also voiced the same concern for him, as to his age and borrowing money, but they're laughing whereas I have better insight to understand where all of this is coming from.

Cheers