[caringmother]

Hi. This is my first time on the site asking a question. I have a 19 year old daughter who is currrently 1st year at University. She stays in a flat about 45min from home to be closer to University. She comes home every weekend. As a mother is it unfair from me to expect her to be home at 12h00 at night when she goes out? The problem that I have with this is - am I setting this rule for just being able to do so as I am the parent and that is the way I was brought up - you do as your mother as father says? I have read many posts and some say that as a parent you have the right to do so and others say that adult children should be able to make their own choices. My husband is very leniant when it gets to house rules which leads to our children playing us. I am really confused and do not know what is the right thing to do.

[Fr_Chuck]

If she is coming home, is it not to visit you ? If it is to go out and party and run around with friends, why not go to her own home at night.

Midnight is very early for a 19 year old in university. So I may say I think the time is not reasonable for her age.

But with that said, it is your house and you have every right to set rules. I can not believe anyone would say a adult child can do like they want. If it is not their home.

[Cat1864]

I am wondering what your motivation for setting a curfew is and what your expectations are. If it is because she gets in trouble or you are afraid for her safety, that is one thing. If it is because 'parents make rules and children abide by them', that is another. Do you have a set of house rules that you expect everyone including guests to abide by?

Do you think of your daughter as a child or a young adult?

If your daughter doesn't like your rules, she doesn't have to come home on the weekends. She doesn't have to come home at all. If you treat her like a fifteen years old, then she may rebel and stay away.

You mention other children. Is your daughter the oldest and first to effectively leave home? Are you concerned that if you show her trust and let her live her own life her freedom will affect how younger children act? Have you given any thought to treating her like an adult and discussing your concerns and setting reasonable 'rules' to set positive examples for the other children?

You have the right to set rules for your home. But make certain they are needed. Too many restrictions and you may lose your daughter. You do not want going 'home' to seem more like reporting to jail for the weekend.

[joypulv]

I see you each on the cusp of change, and I would sit down and talk with her about knowing a 20 minute time range in which she will be home, tailored for each occasion. If she knows that you toss and turn waiting to hear her come in, then she should have respect for that, more than just obeying a parent-child set rule.
I'd be glad that she comes home, but without being taken advantage of. There are positive ways to get that across, I think.

[DoulaLC]

As a mother is it unfair from me to expect her to be home at 12h00 at night when she goes out? The problem that I have with this is - am I setting this rule for just being able to do so as I am the parent and that is the way I was brought up - you do as your mother as father says?

Only you can answer the question as to why you are setting the rule. If you are setting it simply because you are the parent... you may need to consider that she is now an adult. A young adult, but still an adult.

If this is all relatively new, it can be difficult to see your children as adults. You will always feel a sense of wanting to be sure that they are okay, but there comes a time when you have to start letting them make their own decisions. If you didn't have the curfew, what time would she usually return? Maybe a compromise can be made.

If you staying up and waiting for her to come home because you just want to know that she is home safely, maybe ask her to give you a call or send a text message when she is heading home. When she gets ready to go out, ask when she thinks she might be back and ask her to just call if she is going to be later than expected. Both of these can help you let go more little by little... and it can be a courtesy on her part. Talk to her about any concerns that you might have.

Just as a side... you and your husband may want to consider discussing some compromises yourselves in the house rules so that you can lessen the problem of the children playing you. Discuss it with your husband, and then, when you both are in agreement, share it with your children so that they will know that you are both on the same page and can no longer be played off each other.

[Jake2008]

It's your house. Your rules. Period.

[simpleman75]

I agree with Jake2008. Being an "adult" does not give you the right to come and go as you please. If you set a curfew, she should respect your wishes. It's understandable that she may want to stay out later. If so she should have prior arrangements and call before curfew to let you know.

I would not let my parents stay out until "whenever" if they were living with me (or getting most/all of their support from me). I like to be able to lock the door and sleep comfortably without worrying who is coming and going.